Oh my I have neglected this project pretty badly. Remember when I told you that you shouldn't take my word on beating procrastination? Oh, I didn't say that? Well I meant to. I'm a lazy git who would sooner chew off his own leg than do a day's worth of honest hard work.

When we last left our dashing hero, he had found himself in platform 9 and 3 quarters; wondering what to do next.

Harry: *looking around* Oh man it's busy here isn't it. Wait...if that brick wall is the only entrance into this platform...how did all of you people get in here without causing any suspicion at all?

Busy Wizard #47: Well you see; we are so conspicuous we're inconspicuous.

Harry: What? How does that make any sense?

Wizard: When we walk around 'em Muggle parts; people are so confused and surprised about us; they don't give a second thought to ask or think about what it is we're doing.

Harry: That is a goddamn load of bullshit and you- *looks at Platform 9 ¾ sign*. Platform 9 ¾ - Hogwarts Express. So there's an entire damn station devoted to ONE train that only gets used THREE TIMES a whole year.

Wizard: Stop whinging and get on the train

Meanwhile; on the train:

Harry: *looking out the window* Damn I wish I was back with the Dursleys. I miss Petunia's thighs rubbing together in a way that makes me-

Ron: Excuse me, do you mind?

Harry: Of course not foolish child. A ginger can always shine my shoes. It is their moral responsibility.

Ron: No, I meant that everywhere else is full.

Harry: Well umm, I kinda need all this room *awkwardly spreads self over as much of the seating he can*

Ron: *shifts Harry's foot a bit to the right so it's now touching Harry's forehead* *takes a seat* I'm Ron by the way; Ron Weasley.

Harry: I don't give a fuck by the way; don't give a fuck and never will.

Ron: That's an interesting name; "don't give a fuck". It sounds Latin.

Harry: That's not actually my-. I was making a-. How can I put this in a way a ginger will understand? Hmmm... My *points to self* name is *circular motion* Har-ree Pot-err.

Ron: So it's true. So you really have the *points to head*

Harry: A what? Brain? Yes I do, and no you can't have it. But you can find one at the end of this yellow road...

Ron: No. A scar.

Harry: Oh yeah *lifts fringe to show crayon doodle over his right eyebrow*

Trolley Lady: Anything off the trolley dears?

Harry: I wouldn't mind having some of your sweet toffee *wink*

Trolley Lady: Ummm...okay...And for you?

Ron: No thanks; I'm all set *lifts up what looks like a human heart wrapped in cling foil*

Trolley Lady: *muttering* Always a freak compartment

Harry: We'll take the lot *pulls out chocolate coins*

Ron: Wow, I've never seen money before. It sure is amazing!

Trolley Lady: You do realise that "the lot" will cost you a few dozen galleons right?

Harry: Will a hundred galleons be enough to make you shut up and give me my food?

The film then skips past Harry killing the trolley lady and stealing her food with a nice shot of the train.

Harry: Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans?

Ron: They mean every flavour!

Harry: Weird...this one tastes like blood. So does this one. SO DOES THIS ONE!

Ron: Was that box one of the ones underneath trolley bitch's bloody corpse?

Harry: Oh that explains it.

Ron: As I was saying; there's chocolate and peppermint. There's also: spinach, liver and tripe.

Harry: That isn't THAT creative to be honest.

Ron: George swears he got a bogey one once!

Harry: 1. I don't know who George is. 2. I don't give a crap about his experiences.

Harry: *picks up chocolate frog box* These aren't real frogs are they? Wizards are pretty weird about their eating habits right?

Ron: It's just a spell.

Harry: So I'm eating enchanted chocolate. That is damn creepy.

Ron: But it's the card you want. Each pack has a famous witch or wizard. I've got about 500 miself.

Harry: *opens box*

Frog: Croak. Croak.

Harry: Jesus Christ! You expect me to eat that?

Frog: *jumps onto window*

Ron: Well yeah. Catch it!

The frog; saying it's final farewells, jumps out of the window; ending what it believed to be a cruel life.

Frog priest: We are gathered here today; to bid farewell to Kermit; our beloved friend and family member. Kermit had a prosporous life; graduating from Harvard, getting married to his beloved Jenine, and raising two children. It was not until he was caught by a wizard that his life was flipped; turned upside down.

[Author's Note: Sorry about getting a bit sidetracked there. And also; sorry for the reference]

Harry: I've got Dumbledore!

Ron: I once had a bad case of Dumbledore too. I hear it's going around quite a bit this year. But what card did you get?

Harry: Some old geezer. Oh man these cards are crap. It's a shitty little holographic piece of shitty crap shit.

Ron: Oh yeah. I've got about 6 of him.

Harry: Wait a second. He's buggered off!

Ron: Well you can't expect him to hang around all day now can you?

Harry: IT'S A CARD! IT ISN'T ACTUALLY HIM! MY GOD THIS WORLD IS RETARDED!

Ron: This is scabbers by the way. Pathetic isn't he?

Harry: Just a little. Not as much as you though; eating my food. You have a human heart for a reason!

Ron: Fred gave me a spell to turn him yellow. Wanna see?

Harry: But isn't using magic outside of school as a minor against wizard law, and punishable by having all your wizarding rights removed?

Ron: Yeah, but we'll have a fun time beforehand!

Harry: Meh, it's not my wand on the line, so whatever.

Ron: *clears throat* hrukphala EKPHLEGM!

Harry covers his face from the incoming spit balls.

Ron: Sunshine-

Boofy hair girl: Has anyone seen a toad? A boy named *shampoo commercial hair toss* Neville has lost one.

Harry: STOP REFERENCING TO PEOPLE WE DON'T KNOW!

Boofy Girl: Oh. Are you doing magic? Let's see then.

Ron: *phlegming some more* Sunshine daisies, butter mellow. Turn this stupid fat rat yellow!

Scabber's head ignites for a brief second. An agonizing rat scream is heard. To keep a kids friendly rating (which got lost somewhere in HP: 3 and beyond), his head is in a box, stopping us from seeing a mutilated rat.

Harryl: Can't believe that didn't work. Seemed pretty legitimate to me.

Boofy Girl: Are you sure that's a real spell?

Ron: I-

Boofy Girl: Well it's not very good is it?

Ron attempts to make eye contact with Harry, giving some kind of wtf face.

Harry: [To self] Don't look at me, don't look at me do not look at me!

Boofy Girl: I've only tried a few simple ones myself, and they've all worked out for me.

Harry: HOW COME YOU TWO GET TO DO THIS KIND OF SHIT, BUT WHEN I NEED TO SAVE MY BASTARD COUSIN I GET A DEATH SENTENCE?

Boofy Girl: Because Rowling didn't think of that so early despite her "planning" of all the books before she wrote them bullshit. Anyway, let me; some 11 year old, try something on you.

Boofy girl points her wand directly in front of Harry's face. His expression turns from bored to terrified in an instant. What will happen to our hero? Will his head be blown off? Well probably not seeing that there's still 2 hours left in this movie (note: we are at 38 minutes at the moment).

TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR ANOTHER INSTALLMENT OF THE POTTER PARODY!

I promise I'll keep it more regular now.

Some guy: *pushes author out of chair* THIS IS THE AUTHOR OF THE FUTURE! HE LIES! HE WONT KEEP TO HIS WORD! SAVE YOURSELVES WHILE YOU CAN!