8. Safeway Isn't So Safe Anymore
I crouched uncomfortably behind a bush outside of Ralph's. The idiot Quinn had finally told Caine where Sam was going to be, and so I had been sent to assist in his capture. Beside me in the bush were Orc, Panda, Freddie, Chaz, and Drake. Chaz and Freddie both had the attention span of a rodent, and were now poking each other with sticks.
"Ouch!" Freddie yelped when Chaz nearly took his eye out.
"Sit still or I'll shut you up myself. Permanently." Drake threatened. Needless to say they were much quieter after that.
"Here they come," Panda whispered.
I poked my head above the bush to get a better look. Sam was walking down the street with Astrid and Little Peter. Pete? Who cares. They were smiling, teeth gleaming in the sun like they had just walked off the set of the Brady Bunch. Gag.
"Show me your list," Howard said when they approached the door. His voice was muted slightly from the distance.
"I don't have a list," Astrid replied. Awww, no goodies for you.
Howard lazily looked up from the DVD he was watching. "You need a list. No one goes in without a list."
"Okay, do you have a piece of paper and a pencil?" Sam asked hopefully. Wow, pencil and paper to make a list. What a groundbreaking concept.
"Can they hurry it up? My legs are falling asleep," Chaz griped.
"It just so happens I do, Sam," Howard replied. Astrid wrote quickly and returned the paper. "You can have all the fresh stuff, like produce, that you want. It's all going to go bad. Ice cream is mostly gone, but there might be some popsicles. You like popsicles, Pe-tard?"
"Get on with it," Sam said. At the rate this was going Sam was going to blink out before we got a chance to arrest him.
"If you want canned stuff or, like, pasta or whatever, you have to get special permission from Caine or one of the sheriffs."
"No, Sam. Your request for pasta has been denied." Drake mocked.
"What are you talking about?" Astrid asked. For someone who was supposed to be so smart, Astrid was incredibly slow.
"I'm talking about you can have lettuce and eggs and deli and milk because that's all going to expire soon, but we're saving up stuff like canned soup or whatever that wont spoil." He explained slowly.
"Okay, that makes sense, I guess." Astrid replied.
"Likewise paper products. Everyone gets one roll of toilet paper. So make it last." Howard snapped. "Tampons? What size?"
"Shut up," Sam snarled.
I smirked. "How do tampons even work?" Freddie asked; everyone turned to look at me.
"Why don't you go shove one up your ass and find out." I replied, before climbing out of the bushes.
Drake nodded briefly to Howard as we entered the store and he got up to follow us. We moved in the opposite direction of Sam, hiding out in the shampoo aisle. I pocketed a bottle of Paul Mitchell condition, normally sold for over fourteen dollars.
"Hey, you can't keep that," Howard scolded.
"Hey, you can't stop me," I retorted.
Sam and Astrid moved towards the meat section. Sam climbed behind the counter to play meat-man. "I guess we know what type of role-playing they'd be into," Drake joked.
"Sounds more like something you'd be into, Drake. Lot's of knives," I countered.
Obviously enraged, Drake pushed Panda into view. "You again?" Same asked, as Panda fiddled with his bat like a nervous baton twirler.
Drake crept up behind him and brained him in the back of the head with his baseball bat. Sam fell to the ground like a sack of potatoes. Astrid screamed and clutched Little Pete closer to herself. Chaz and Freddie grabbed her by the hands, holding her firmly.
"Let's make this as painless as possible boys," I said.
"Diana," Panda said, acknowledging me like he hadn't seen me in days.
"Bag his hands," I snapped at Panda's clueless expression.
Panda quickly wrapped the Mylar around Sam's hands and secured it with a plastic tie. I knelt down in front of him, close enough that I was sure he could smell me. Close enough that I could easily disorient him.
"It's Mylar. It's a reflective surface. So I wouldn't try to turn on you mojo, Sam: you'd fry your own hands." I said with faux sweetness.
"What are you doing," he slurred like he was drunk on New Year's Eve.
"Your brother wants to have a nice conversation with you." I replied, knowing that he would be confused.
"Let Astrid go," he demanded. Well that would be the right thing to do so…I'll do the opposite.
Drake snaked past me and pressed his bat so far into Sam's throat his eyes bulged slightly. "If you're a good little boy, we'll be nice to your girlfriend and her retarded brother. If you cause trouble, I'll mess her up."
The kid started screaming loud enough to make a banshee cover its ears. "Shut that kid up or I'll shut him up for you," Drake snarled. "Grab the big hero and throw him in a grocery cart."
"Better be good," I whispered in his ear as he was dropped mercilessly into the grocery cart.
Sam was wheeled away, leaving me with Astrid. I knelt down beside the kid, who was staring blankly into space. "He's so adorable," I said with all the pleasantness I could muster.
"Thank you?" Astrid replied, furrowing her brow.
"Better hope Sammy is good at twenty questions, or he wont be that way for long." The color drained from Astrid's face.
I stepped closer to her, brushing my nails across her cheek. "Why are you doing this?" She whispered.
"I-" I couldn't finish my sentence. Standing behind Astrid was my mother. She was standing, wearing the same robe she had worn the day she fell down the stairs. She looked sad. I blinked and she was gone. "When I woke up this morning I really felt like ruining someone's life. I'll settle for yours."