A/N
Hey all! So sorry for the delay in posting anything new. School has once again started and I'm trying desperately to balance studying with working with planning a wedding! The result = not much time to write unfortunately. I may try to update again in December but if you don't see anything before January 4th, don't expect anything for awhile. But do be patient! I have not abandoned this. Thanks a MILLION to those of you who have commented, fav'ed this, and put it on your update. You guys keep me motivated! :)
The part where there's a lot in italics is a flash back.
I own NOTHING as ALWAYS.
The poem and part of Kaien's dialogue need some crediting:
Song: Everything
Artist: Lifehouse (This song is sort of the epitome of what's going on here. Listen to it! I know you have youtube!!)
Ja-ne: Goodbye (informal)
Onee-san: Older sister
Summer turned into fall and fall begrudgingly gave way to winter. Seasons weren't as spectacular in Seireitei as they were in the real world, but they were beautiful nonetheless. Rukia was surprised to feel the hint of something wet fall on her cheek. Looking up, her violet eyes widened in astonishment. Gently spiraling down from the clear sky above were snowflakes, beautiful and perfectly formed, each one unique. In all her years as a Shinigami Rukia had never known it to snow in Seireitei. Her own Zanpakuto being ice based she had certainly seen snow and ice countless times, but never had she seen natural snow fall from the sky. She closed her eyes and allowed the soft flakes to fall down upon her, no doubt covering her raven hair and black robes.
Although indeed beautiful, the snow was an enigma. It may have been winter in Soul Society, but the temperature never dropped below sixty degrees - cool, maybe, but nowhere near cold enough to form the gentle flakes that were now drifting towards the ground.
"Oi, Rukia! Think fast!"
Before she could turn around, something cold and slightly soggy hit Rukia square in the back of her head. Recognizing the voice and feeling no real pain from the impact, Rukia turned around slowly, fists balled at her sides in fury.
"I-chi-go!"
The substitute Shinigami was doubled over, unable to contain his laughter as Rukia screamed his name in annoyance. Just then, a red blur flashed across the clearing and tackled Ichigo to the ground, causing Rukia's eyes to once again widen, this time in surprise.
"What the hell, Renji? What's your problem?!" Ichigo was slightly breathless owing to having had the wind knocked out of him moments before by the massive Shinigami that was Abarai Renji.
"What the hell didja throw at Rukia and what'd ya do it for?" Renji demanded angrily.
"Seriously?" Rukia could see that Ichigo looked perplexed by Renji's reaction. However, she, too, wanted to know what he'd thrown at her and why he'd done it. Why are these two oafs always ruining my quiet time?
"Do you really wanna know, Renji?" A playful grin had replaced Ichigo's usual scowl and his voice had taken on an amused tone.
Renji, however, was not amused. He had Ichigo pinned to the ground and was expectantly awaiting an answer.
Instead of answering the question, Ichigo surprised them both by bringing up an arm that neither Renji nor Rukia had realized was unrestrained and shoved a handful of snow playfully in Renji's face. The red-headed Shinigami looked stunned and momentarily loosened his hold on the younger man. Ichigo took the opportunity to push him off and jumped up, brushing snow from the front of his robes, chuckling quietly.
Ichigo became aware that Renji and Rukia were both looking at him like he'd gone insane. To be more specific, Renji looked as if he were about to kill Ichigo: teeth barred and ready to pounce, and Rukia just looked very, very confused.
"Uh, guys? Haven't you played in the snow before?"
Raising an eyebrow, Rukia replied, "It doesn't snow in Soul Society, Ichigo. This is... an anomaly. So you.....were playing?" She didn't quite grasp the concept of playing with the fluffy white stuff.
Rolling his eyes, Ichigo bent down and scooped up a handful of snow. Very deliberately, making sure his friends were watching, he packed the snow into a perfect ball. He held it up in the palm of his hand so that they could both see what he'd made: a ball out of snow. Then, just as deliberately, he threw it at Renji, hitting him right between the eyes. The look on Renji's face elicited a howl of laughter from the substitute Shinigami. He dropped to his knees, laughing so hard that tears had come to his eyes.
Finally catching on, a smile played at the corner of Rukia's lips. She noticed Renji's muscles bunching as he prepared to pounce on Ichigo for the injustice. Before he could jump, however, Rukia grabbed the back of his robes, keeping him in place. He turned to look at her.
"Mate, Renji. You fight fire with fire so you fight snow..." as she said this, Rukia had quietly grabbed a handful of snow and shaped her own perfectly round snowball, "...with snow!" With that, she hurled the snowball at Ichigo and hit him in the chest hard enough to knock him over causing her to shriek with delight.
"Ha! Good one, pipsqueak!" Renji didn't realize his mistake until a handful of snow found it's way down the back of his robes. "Kuso!"
"Baka! There are no teams in snow-play Renji!" Suddenly puzzled, she looked over at Ichigo who had recovered from the surprise attack and was once again laughing at Renji. "Oi, Ichigo. Are there teams in snow-play?"
"Not unless you want there to be." Sometimes it surprised him how simple Shinigami could be....not even knowing what a snowball was or how to play in the snow. It made him smile.
Rukia loved it. Playing in the snow was something she'd never gotten to do before. More than that, though, she was seeing a side of Ichigo she had never seen before. The weight of the world seemed to be off his shoulders for the moment as he showed them how to make the perfect snowball and techniques for sneaking up on someone in a snowball fight. He showed them how to make angels in the snow and even how to make a funny looking creature out of the snow. This creature he called a Snow Man. Making the Snow Man was difficult, however, because there wasn't enough of the white stuff. Watching Ichigo smile and laugh as he dodged Renji's snowballs, it was easy for Rukia to see why she'd fallen in love with him. It was something she hadn't thought of in months.....not since Kaien's return...
Turning her face once again towards the sky, Rukia noticed it had stopped snowing. It was at that moment that she became aware of a familiar reiatsu behind her. Renji and Ichigo had stopped goofing around and were looking in her direction. She met Renji's eyes and thought she saw a flicker of something....sadness? Maybe it was regret. She couldn't read him as easily as she could now read Kaien.
"We're gonna head back into Seireitei, Rukia." It was Ichigo who spoke. "We'll see ya tonight?"
It took Rukia a moment to remember what he was referring to. "Oh, hai. I'll see you both tonight. Ja-ne!" With that, the two flash-stepped out of sight.
Rukia took a breath and turned around slowly. Kaien stood before her, a shy smile on his lips.
"Konnichiwa, Rukia."
She returned both his smile and his greeting. "Konnichiwa, Kaien."
Things had been strange these last few months with Kaien being back. Not that things were bad, just...different. Urahara's tests had all come back with the same result: the man who had shown up on the Kuchiki doorstep that summer night was Shiba Kaien. Yamamoto Genryūsai had then been informed of Kaien's miraculous return. Even with Urahara's seemingly irrefutable proof of Kaien's identity, he insisted that the research bureau perform several additional tests; the results were all the time: solid confirmation of Kaien's identity. Although nobody could officially explain why or how it had happened, it seemed that Shiba Kaien was truly back.
Kaien had been reinstated to his original position as fukutaicho of the 13th Division despite his ardent protests. For the most part, it could be said that things had returned to normal. Almost.
Things between Kaien and Rukia could not be called normal by any stretch of the imagination. Since returning, he no longer referred to her as 'Kuchiki' but instead called her by her familiar name and always in soft and gentle tones. It was something that was taking some getting used to by Rukia; it always caused her heart to jump and a slight flush to rise in her cheeks. In the presence of their squad, Rukia still referred to her fukutaicho as Kaien-dono, mostly out of habit.
In fact, Rukia had been making a strong effort for the last five months to not be anywhere alone or isolated with Kaien. She did this not out of fear for her life, but rather nervousness at the new circumstances surrounding their relationship. She thought she'd been clever and tactful enough to not hurt Kaien's feelings or make him think the wrong things, but she could see by the look in his eyes that she'd failed miserably.
"I didn't mean to interrupt," he said, referring to the snowball fight he'd walked in on. "Your friends didn't have to leave."
"Don't worry about it, Kaien. Ichigo was teaching us about snow-play. You know, snowball fights, Snow Creatures, that sort of thing."
Kaien smiled. "Snow Creatures?"
"Yeah! You roll up some balls of snow, put them on top of each other, and stick a carrot in the top one! Terrifying, right?"
"I think you mean a Snow Man, Rukia." Kaien's smile widened and, for the moment, any sadness she had detected in his eyes was gone.
"So you know about them!"
Kaien raised a hand up to scratch the nape of his neck. "I seem to remember something about them, yes."
With that, an awkward silence fell between the pair. Rukia couldn't think of anything else snow-related to chatter about. She knew Kaien was probably hurt seeing her messing around with Ichigo and Renji when she'd been making every excuse possible to avoid him, telling him how busy she was and how much work she had to do and the extensive hours of training she was putting in every day. She was caught in her lies and didn't know what she could say to make things better.
"I was just out for a walk and ran into Ichigo and Renji and-"
"You don't have to explain, Rukia. It's okay; I think I understand.... I'm glad I found you, though. I have something I want to give to you."
"Something for me? What is it?"
Kaien smiled and held out a small box with a delicate silver bow on top.
"What's this for?"
"It's a Christmas present."
She'd completely forgotten it was Christmas. That was what Renji and Ichigo had been referring to earlier, after all. Byakuya was having a part at their house later that evening for everyone. To say Byakuya was throwing the party was not entirely true; Yachiru, having taken over certain rooms within the Kuchiki manor for her weekly Shinigami Women's Association meetings, had planned and executed the entire gathering. Byakuya had done everything in his power to put a stop to it but telling Yachiru 'no' was something not many succeeded at.
Coming out of her thoughts, Rukia took the small box and looked up at Kaien, confused. Presents were not a common Christmas tradition in Soul Society.
"Ukitake-taicho tells me that exchanging presents on Christmas is something of a tradition in the real world. And....I thought you might like this....it's something I want you to have, anyway..." His words came to a halt, color rising in his cheeks at the admission.
"Kaien..."
"Please, open it."
Rukia gently tugged at the silver bow, letting it fall to the ground. She slowly lifted the top off of the box and looked inside. Tears instantly pooled in her violet eyes, threatening to overflow. It was a moment before Rukia was able to lift her hand to remove the delicate silver chain from the box. Holding the necklace up, she could see the two little silver pendants more clearly: a solid heart and a phoenix.
"Kaien..."
"Please, Rukia. You don't have to say anything. You don't even have to wear it....just....I just wanted you to have it..." His gentle, uncertain words caused the tears to escape, leaving wet streaks on either cheek.
Much like that night so many months ago, Kaien reached out a hand to wipe her tears away, cupping her cheek softly.
"How can I stand here with you Rukia, and not be moved by you?" His words were barely a whisper.
She looked up to meet his charcoal eyes.
"You're all I want....you're all I need....you're everything...."
Rukia didn't know what to say. So she said nothing. She simply held his gaze, allowing him to caress her cheek. It was a touch she'd been longing for ever since that hot summer night. She saw in Kaien's eyes love, cherishment, longing. Beneath all of those things was determination. It was a determination she didn't quite understand.
Then Kaien did something she was not expecting: he leaned down and brushed his lips against her own. It was neither demanding nor forceful but soft and gentle, tentative. Before she had a chance to respond to the kiss, he pulled away from her, resting his forehead against hers. Her heart was racing wildly in her chest.
"Rukia, I will wait for you. For as long as it takes. Forever. I'll be here waiting for you. Always...."
He placed a chastise kiss on her forehead before turning to leave.
"Kaien, mate!"
He turned back to look at her. "What is it, Rukia?"
"Will you be at Nii-sama's tonight? You know, for the Christmas party?"
Kaien smiled. "Hai. If you want me to be there, that is."
The blush across Rukia's cheeks deepened, if that was even possible. "Y-yes, of course I want you there Kaien."
His smile widened. "Good! Then I'll see you tonight!" With those words, he was gone and Rukia was left alone in the clearing once again.
She looked down at the little box in her hands and the dainty charms within. As she took the silver chain out and put the necklace around her neck, a small piece of paper fluttered to the ground. Curious, she bent down and quickly grabbed it before the breeze could blow it away. She unfolded the note and recognized Kaien's handwriting; it was a poem:
Find me here
Speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.
You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.
You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Merry Christmas, Rukia.
The words brought another set of tears to her eyes that she didn't even try to hold back. They were promptly followed by more tears as the months of frustration and confusion, nervousness and uncertainly finally expressed themselves. She'd held so much in for so long now and she could no longer do it. Dropping to her knees, Rukia let all of her pent up emotions out in silence as the tears streamed freely down her cheeks.
It all stemmed from that beautiful summer day...the day that Ganju had shown up in the front yard. He'd been ecstatic to see his brother again, not for one second doubting his true identity. He'd convinced Kaien to come back to the Shiba household to face their sister Kukaku's wrath. She had apparently known since the night before that their brother had returned to Seireitei and was irritated, to say the least, that he'd gone to the Kuchiki home before visiting his own family. Kaien had insisted that Rukia come with them and since Ganju hadn't seen Ichigo or Renji in over a year they came along as well. It was an awkward party if nothing else.
Rukia had no idea that the awkwardness was only getting started.
After a greeting involving first the throwing of various items in their general direction and then hugs all around, the group sat down for some tea and conversation. They talked throughout the afternoon about everything: what Kukaku and Ganju had been doing for the past several years, Ichigo and Renji's boring days in Karakura Town, and the war with Aizen and Gin. It was in the hours just after twilight that the conversation finally turned to the topic everyone had been anticipating: Kaien's astounding return to Soul Society.
To everyone's surprise, Kukaku had an explanation, of sorts, as to why and how Kaien was able to come back. Like Ganju, she never had a glimmer of doubt that the man before her was her brother. Nor was she all that surprised that he'd come back. What stumped Kukaku, however, was why it had taken so long for Kaien to come home.
She explained that the history of the Shiba Clan was a rich one, surrounded by a mysterious legend. Members of the Shiba clan were, as legend went, much like the phoenix, a mythical bird that was reborn after it's death. Like the phoenix rose from its own ashes, so did the Shiba rise again following his own demise.
This elicited many questions from the group. Kaien and Rukia had remained silent, exchanging a confused glance with one another.
After quieting everyone down, Kukaku had continued.
"It's not like this is something that happens every day, ya'know? I don't think there's even a documented case of it ever happening actually. It's all based in legend and lore that's been passed down. Ganju will you shut up and let me talk! Baka!"
"Sorry Onee-san!!"
"Anyway.... There are rules to it, ya'know? It's not like every time one of us dies we just up and come back, right? We believe that at the very moment of our birth, our destinies are set. We have free will, yeah, but the big things have been set." She waved a hand at someone who was trying to interrupt and continued. "For example, we all have a soulmate, in the most literal sense of the word - we are one soul that is split at birth. Whether or not we know we're doing it, we spend our whole lives looking for our soul's mate. Simple as that."
Rukia was beginning to feel chills going down her spine. She was unable to look at Kaien any more and instead looked down at her hands. She didn't know where the conversation was going and she was starting to feel nervous and uncomfortable.
"It's said, as the legend goes, that if a Shiba dies in the presence of their soulmate, their heart remains with that person." Her eyes were intently focused on Kaien.
At those words, Rukia's head snapped up and she turned to look at Kaien. It was Kaien this time, who would not meet Rukia's eyes but instead stared at the floor in front of him.
"If the soulmate knows about the legend, they can supposedly call the Shiba back to life. There are, of course, no details on how that's done." Her gaze turned Rukia. "If, however, the soulmate isn't aware of any of this, nothing happens."
Rukia, imitating Kaien, had gone back to studying the floor. She could feel four sets of eyes her and Kaien. Everyone had gone silent, as if they were all holding their breath, captivated by Kukaku's story, wondering if any of this were possible.
"Ganju, you're annoying me! Why don't you get out of here and take Ichigo and Renji with you!"
"But sis! I wanna hear the rest of the story! And I wasn't even doing anything!"
"Ganju!" Kukaku screamed his name and threw the tea pot which narrowly missed his head and smashed into a million shards against the wall.
" Gomennasai, Onee-san!" Looking perplexed, Ichigo and Renji had jumped up as well and all three headed outside.
"Those idiots annoy the hell out of me. Now! Where were we?"
Rukia, for the first time in her life, felt grateful for Kukaku's action. Although nothing specific had been said, she could now see where this story was going and it had made her extremely uncomfortable having Renji and Ichigo both there to hear it.
"Arigatou gozaimasu, Kukaku-san." Rukia quietly thanked the other woman for her sensitivity.
"Ah, it's no biggie. Like I said, they annoy me anyway!"
"Why had I never heard any of this?"
It was the first time Kaien had spoken since Kukaku had started her story.
"Because you were the good one of us three. I stayed up late eavesdropping on the adults while Ganju played with Bonnie-chan and you studied." She smiled and winked at them. "Sometimes they had interesting things to talk about!"
"Huh..."
"Anyway. Some of this gets kinda personal so....I'm sorry ahead of time. If it's too much, just tell me to stop."
"Arigatou." Kaien glanced at Rukia who was now able to meet his eyes. She smiled weakly as Kukaku continued.
"So where was I? Oh yeah! If the soulmate doesn't know any of the Shiba lore, they won't be able to do anything themselves to bring him back. Hell, they won't even know that they can bring him back! But it's said that if there is a moment of extreme turmoil, or desperate need in the soulmate's life, the Shiba will finally be able to come back. Did I lose ya?" When they both shook their heads she went on. "Good! Now here's what I don't understand. Rukia, your life is in danger all the time, you being a friggin' Shinigami and all. So why did it take so long for Kaien to come back?"
And there it was. She had finally acknowledged what Rukia had been waiting to hear. She felt the heat in hear cheeks spread down her neck and up to the top of her ears. Is Kukaku saying that I'm Kaien's soulmate? Can that be true...? As those thoughts were flying through Rukia's mind, she suddenly realized something.
"I know why he couldn't come back sooner." It was almost inaudible but two heads turned in her direction simultaneously.
"Oh?"
"When Kaien....died.... he was possessed by a hollow. Metastacia. Even though his heart remained...was left behind...his spirit was still tied into Metastacia. Metastacia's body was taken back to Hueco Mundo apparently. Once it arrived there, it was eaten by another hollow. Aaroniero Arruruerie." She shuddered just saying it's name. "That hollow had the ability to take on the form and powers of any hollow or Shinigami that it'd eaten. As long as Aaroniero Arruruerie was alive, Kaien's soul wasn't free to come back."
"Makes sense." Kukaku said, trying to sound slightly disinterested and failing quite miserably. "So what happened to this Aaroniero? I take it you met him in Hueco Mundo?"
Rukia forgot that Kukaku didn't know all the details of everything that had happened over there.
"Yeah, I met him." She took a deep breath. "He confronted me as Kaien."
It was Kukaku who drew a sharp breath then. Kaien reached over and took Rukia's hand. She glanced at him and smiled shyly before going on.
"He convinced me that he was Kaien. He talked as if we were old friends, sharing memories of old times we'd had together. Then he told me that he would forgive me for killing him only if I killed Ichigo and Renji. That's when I realized that he wasn't Kaien...just a cheap and ruthless imposter." Her hand had tightened around Kaien's.
"It's okay Rukia, he's gone now." He squeezed her hand in return.
"So then what happened?" Kukaku had dropped all pretenses and was listening intently.
"We fought. I killed him, but not before he almost finished me off. I may have even died for a short time, I don't know. If Nii-sama hadn't shown up I would be dead for sure."
"Wow. So that would definitely be a moment of great turmoil in your life... I had heard the gist of what went on there, but this is the first I've heard of the details. Unbelievable."
When her words registered, Rukia became confused. "You'd already heard the gist of that story? Where'd you hear it?"
"When Byakuya and Ukitake showed up here a couple weeks after that all happened."
"What? Nii-sama and Ukitake-taicho were here? Why?" Rukia exclaimed, extremely surprised.
"They didn't tell you? The night that all that was going on in Hueco Mundo there was a large kido-type explosion in Seireitei. Kaien's reiatsu was all over the place for the rest of the night and then it disappeared. I knew it meant Kaien was back...I couldn't believe it! A Shiba finally rising like the phoenix...and it was Kaien! Ganju and I went out searching but couldn't find him anywhere."
"Ukitake-taicho just told me about feeling his reiatsu this morning. He said he and Nii-sama were trying to protect me by not telling me." Rukia felt injustice swelling up in her chest. Did everyone know about this before she did?? This must be what Ukitake-taicho was starting to tell me about this morning when Nii-sama intervened. Kuso! Still trying to keep things from me!
"Yeah, sounds like them. Stupid Shinigami." Kukaku paused to take a gulp of her tea. "So I guess that would explain why it took so long, his soul being tied up and all."
Kaien had been listening in stunned silence as the two women talked. He was glad to be back, but this was all getting to be a little overwhelming for him. Having stopped really listening to the conversation, he interrupted Kukaku mid-sentence.
"Where was I?"
Both women looked at him.
"What do you mean, onii-san?"
"After I....died. Before I came back, when my soul was tied up in those hollows. Where was I, Kukaku?"
Kukaku looked uncomfortable now which was very unusual for the busty Shiba. "I'm not...entirely sure, onii-san. They never really talked about that and as far as I know, no one really knows where you are during that time. But...."
"What is it?"
"Well, they say that...uh...your soulmate is actually able to find out....um..."
"Kukaku..."
"Well when you and your soulmate, ya'know.." She started making awkward and lewd gestures with her hands. Rukia thought she might fait of embarassment. Kaien finally jumped up.
"I think we get it, Kukaku!" When she finally stopped stammering and making the lewd gestures he sat back down next to Rukia, avoiding her gaze.
"Well, okay then. It's said that at that moment, the Shiba's soulmate will see where you've been. It's up for debate whether or not the Shiba himself can see it too. This is all legend, mind you. Who the hell knows if any of it's true anyway?" She laughed loudly and obnoxiously to cover up the awkwardness that had settled over the small room. Rukia was very glad that she'd sent the others away earlier.
"Anyway!" Kukaku jumped up and stretched in a very over-exaggerated manner. "Wouldja look at the time! Whew! I think I'm gonna turn in....." She eyed the pair of Shinigami sitting on her floor. "You two gonna stay here or head back to the Kuchiki place?
They looked at each other, neither answering.
"Ooookay...well I'm going to bed...lock the door before you leave, or go to bed, or, uh, do whatever it is you crazy kids are gonna do..." With that Kukaku was gone from sight.
Rukia was suddenly very aware of herself. She was also suddenly very aware that she and Kaien were alone in the small room now.
"Rukia..."
"Did you know any of that, Kaien?"
"None of it. Well...about the soulmate part...."
"You knew? Why didn't you ever say anything?" She knew she shouldn't be upset with Kaien, but it was getting hard to keep track of her emotions.
"I knew I had feelings for you before, Rukia. These feelings...they were so strong, something I'd never felt before. I thought then that you might be my soulmate. But I was married when I met you! I loved my wife, so there was nothing that could be done." His voice was quiet, barely reaching her ears. "When I came back I was certain. I'd never felt anything so strong and I'd never been more sure of anything. That's why I needed so badly to get back to you, Rukia."
After that, they'd sat in awkward silence for some time before finally falling asleep leaning against one another. Rukia, as always in those situations, hadn't known what to say and had therefore had said very little. Her heart was bursting with so many things she wanted to say but she just didn't know how. She'd awoken before him a few hours later and had immediately left for home.
Of course Ichigo and Renji had bugged her endlessly wanting to hear the details they had missed and she told them to get out of her face please, but not in such nice terms. There were no more questions after that. But there were always the curious looks in her direction.
And so, not knowing what to do about everything, she had spent the last five months doing everything should could to avoid Kaien. She knew deep in her heart that she'd been hurting him. Now, gently fingering the pendants on the thin chain around her neck, she admitted to herself that what she'd been doing was wrong. It wasn't fair to Kaien and it wasn't fair to herself. She vowed to make things right. Kaien had been through hell and back and what had she done? Flat-out abandoned him when he'd needed her the most. She wasn't going to do that anymore. She was finally going to own her destiny.