*Okay, here's what the deal is. I'm a HUGE Mariah Carey-Cannon fan (yes, I call her MCC, got a problem with that?!), so I thought I'd have some fun and write a series of one-shots based on her lyrics/song titles. The title of this story is based on the title of her song on the E=MC2 album, (OOC, Out Of Control) simply because these will probably go all over the place. Canon (Uh-huh-huh… I said Canon *said like Butthead*), AU, sad, funny, strange… just trust me and expect the unexpected. They're all E/O, or have undertones of E/O but may just deal with one or the other.
**Disclaimer - Dick Wolf, NBC, and whoever own SVU, Mrs. Cannon owns the lyrics. Bastards.
**A/N - One Sweet Day from M's Album 'Daydream'
Italics are flashbacks, in case you were wondering.
I'm not really sure if I like how this turned out, but whatever. Here it is! R&R pwease!
The sky was grey and overcast. Olivia Benson could smell the rain coming, and it reminded her of something Elliot said randomly a while ago. Or maybe it was only last week? Yesterday? She couldn't really keep their moments straight anymore.
They were on a stakeout as the day was winding down. The sky was cloudless and several different hues of pink and orange. It had a been a beautiful sunny day. Suddenly out of the blue, Elliot spoke.
"You know I love rainy days more than sunny days??"
Detective Benson looked at her partner of the past eight years with a slight smile.
"El?" He looked at her, his smile matching her own.
"Yeah?"
"That was extremely random." Elliot chuckled and put the binoculars back to his eyes.
It seemed so insignificantly arbitrary that she'd forgotten he'd even said it by the time they collared the perpetrator they'd been watching for. Until at this very moment. Sitting alone in the cemetery staring down at the grave of her partner. Her best friend. Her soul mate. In the rain that he loved so much.
Sorry I never told you
All I wanted to say
And now it's too late to hold you
'Cause you've flown away, so far away
She wonders if it would have made a difference. If things would have turned out differently if she'd told him how she really felt, instead of pussyfooting around the subject, or making excuses as to why she couldn't tell him. Tell him the truth. That she loved him. As a friend. As a partner. As a soul mate.
Would he have been more careful? Would he have done everything in his power to make sure she'd never end up alone. She'd never have to go on without her?
She didn't cry. They'd promised each other on one of those nights. The ones where he couldn't, or wouldn't go home. When she was feeling particularly lonely. They'd promised that they wouldn't cry at each other's funerals. They wouldn't more their deaths, but celebrate their lives.
It was hard, but in the days following his departure, she'd kept the tears at bay, instead comforting his ex-wife. Comforting his children. Comforting their mutual friends. She'd managed all this, the funeral, the epitaph, everything. She'd even managed a smile, though she hid it from the other attendee's. It was another 'moment' of theirs, after watching 'Zoolander'. They were both wasted, when Elliot told her she had to be the eugoogalizer at his funeral. It was funny then to joke about their deaths, because they both assumed that it would be a long time coming.
Never had I imagined
living without your smile
Feeling and knowing you hear me
It keeps me alive, alive
At the first raindrop, she broke one promise to Elliot Stabler. She began to cry, although she justified in her mind that if there was some place in the afterlife where he could look in on her, he'd probably assume that those fat drops falling from her cheeks were actually raindrops.
Ha, right. Elliot could smell her tears through acid and Anosmia. And hell, that was when he was still actually existing on this plane. It was just more comforting for Olivia to believe the latter.
And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together (Together)
One sweet day
(And all that I know is I'll wait patiently to see you in Heaven)
It was cruel, the moment and the way he'd been taken from her. If Olivia Benson ever believed in God before, she certainly was more skeptical of Him now more than ever.
It had been six months. Six months since Elliot came to her house. Six months since Elliot rang her buzzer at 2am telling her to let him in. Informing her that his divorce was final. Six months that she sat on edge, arguing with herself over whether or not she should tell him how she really felt about him.
Their relationship was definitely better than it was before she went to Oregon. They talked like they used to. They joked around like they used to. Sure they still butted heads, and got into heated arguments, and were threatened by Cragen that they'd be separated. Those smiled that they had only for each other returned and things were good. Except for the fact that they were both still holding back.
Elliot held back because he didn't want to push her. Olivia held back because she was scared. Scared of them ending up like he and Kathy. Not letting him know the truth right away was her biggest regret.
Darlin', I never showed you
Assumed you'd always be there
And I took your presence for granted
But I always cared and I miss the love we shared
Friday, October 17th, 2008
Detectives Benson and Stabler enjoyed a pretty easy day at the 16th precinct. They'd wrapped up their latest case the night before, and the calls during the day were pretty minor. At nearly 7pm Captain Cragen stepped into the squad room.
"Alright, everybody, get the hell outta here! Benson, Stabler? You two are catching."
"Hallelujah!" Detective Tutuola exclaimed as he stood from his chair stretching.
"Who's up for drinks and dinner?" Detective Munch followed suit.
"Me!" Olivia and Elliot answered simultaneously. As usual on their way out, Elliot helped his partner her jacket, fingers brushing parts of her body unnecessarily, causing her to get goose bumps. As usual.
"Wait", Elliot stopped and fixed Munch with a look. "You're cut off after four beers John."
"What?!" he cried, indignantly, while Fin and Olivia snickered. "Why am I cut off after three drinks."
"John, last time we went out for drinks, you had eight beers and four Brandy's." Olivia supplied.
"So?" John shrugged his shoulders.
"So, you spent half an hour trying to convince your coaster that the Philadelphia Project actually existed, and that Jesus was an E.T. who funded the project." Olivia fixed him with a look.
"Yeah, well… did you ever stop to think that I was chatting with the coaster because it was bugged?" Olivia rolled her eyes, Elliot pretended he wasn't hearing the conversation, and Fin just shook his head at the man praying that his partner wasn't serious.
EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO
The dive they frequented was packed, but they managed to snag seats at the bar. After six or seven rounds they decided to call it a night when Munch swore on his life that he'd seen Tupac pass by the bar on the street.
Putting his money on the counter, Elliot held up his hand as Olivia began searching her purse for her wallet.
"You get the tab next time Benson." Olivia smiled, zipping her purse closed.
"Wanna share a taxi?"
"Yeah, why not?" Elliot's apartment was only two blocks from her own, and he often escorted her home, before walking to his place. But tonight was a little different. Feeling the confidence that was more than likely supplied by the alcohol she consumed, she turned to Elliot as they reached the door to her apartment building.
"You wanna come up?" He hesitated, looking at her face as if he were searching for something, before the infamous Stabler grin appeared.
"Yeah." God, she loved him for that. No suggested innuendo. He wasn't assuming he was coming up to get in her pants, and he didn't make her ask twice. It was perfectly innocent in the first half hour. They talked about his kids. They talked about work. They talked about all the things they usually talked about. Then during a moment of silence, while Olivia's attention was drawn to the TV by something Chelsea Handler was saying.
He loved watching her laugh. Seeing her smile. Elliot made a decision in that moment. He was going to do something about it.
"Liv?" She turned to find Elliot watching her.
"El?" so mocked him, but he didn't answer with any words. Pulling her closer, he leaned down and pressed his lips against hers.
For a moment her eyes widened in disbelief, but when he ran his tongue across her lower lip, begging for entrance, she returned the kiss with enthusiasm.
EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO
The night was a huge blur. One that she refused to relive fully because of the circumstances, but bits and pieced clawed their way to the surface of reality now and again.
The feel of his hands roaming her body. They careless and almost animalistic way he shed her of her clothing. His mouth upon her breasts. They feeling of his fingers pushing inside her. The initial feeling when he thrust into her the first time.
But there was one thing she remembered that she couldn't forget no matter how she tried. The moment that she'd regret until her dying day because in a split second decision, she could have changed the course of things. Elliot might still be there.
They lay together in bed, perfectly sated, both silent and lost in their inner musings. Olivia couldn't believe she was exactly where she wanted to be for years. Warm and safe in Elliot's arms and content until she was startled as he began to speak.
"Liv?"
"Hmm?"
"Can I tell you something? Or ask you something? Or something?" She giggled lifting her head from his chest as to see his face. Yes Olivia Benson actually giggled.
"Ye-e-e-e-s?"
"I love you."
Okay that's not exactly what she was expecting, and she was stunned to silence.
"Olivia, I've loved you for God knows how long, and… I want to be with you." He held his breath waiting for his reaction, and for once he could not read Olivia's face.
As for her, the shock at his words turned to panic. God she lived Elliot, more than anything but… she was scared. She wondered to herself if he'd said something like that to Kathy. Kathy whom he'd been married to for twenty years and had given him 4 beautiful children.
She couldn't end up that way. She couldn't risk the chance of having Elliot only to lose not only his love but his friendship. She had no doubt that if Elliot and Kathy had no children, they would have terminated all contact with each other after the divorce.
"El. I can't-" she stopped, taking a deep breath before continuing. "El, I love you. You are my best friend, and I don't know what I would do without you, but…"
His eyes clouded over at the word but.
"This? Whatever this is? It's not a relationship. It can't be a relationship. It's too complicated with work, and we're always fighting and… I just…" she couldn't finish because her excuse was lame, even to her own ears, and she didn't know what else to say.
He lay there for a beat before he spoke. "I should go."
And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
(Lost along the way)
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day
(And all that I know is I'll wait patiently to see you in Heaven)
She watched as he dressed willing herself not to cry. Not to cry out that she was scared, and confused and probably wrong. He left in such a hurry that he'd forgotten his badge and gun on her nightstand. She didn't trust her voice not to betray her emotions so she never said goodbye. Never returned his 'I love you.'
He made it a block before a fourteen year old boy approached him on the street. He was being initiated into a gang, and his task was to approach a complete stranger and shoot him in the head. Elliot never even say it coming.
Although the sun will never shine the same
I'll always look to a brighter day
Yeah, yeah
Lord, I know when I lay me down to sleep
You will always listen as I pray
So here she was, not even a week after she made love to the man that owned her heart for eight years letting her tears mix with the rain. They'd all offered to take her home. They'd all offered to stay with her, and she refused. She wanted to be there alone. She needed to be there alone, so that she could tell him. The truth.
Right there kneeling in the went grass next to where his coffin lay in the damp earth, the tears turned into sobs.
"Oh, God, Elliot I'm so sorry! I don't…. I lied. I was just so scared. You are my life, my world, my everything. I thought… I couldn't live with myself if I did something to push you away. To lose you forever."
"I love you. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you before, and I know it's too late, but you have to know. You have to know!"
The sky was gray, The rain was falling. Olivia was broken and alone, once again.
And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way (Like so many)
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day
And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
(I'll see you eventually)
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day
Sorry I never told you
All I wanted to say