I want to be clean, I want to be whole
I want revenge, I want control
I want to give up, I want to give in
Destroy all I have been
Eliot's eyes shot open. He heard the knock again. "Goddammit." he growled, looking over at the clock. He had just fallen asleep and had been dreaming of someone knocking on the door. He sighed, throwing back the sheet. Pulling on his jeans, he walked to the front door. He heard the knock again and leaned in to glare out the peephole. His anger was replaced by worry as he threw the door open.
"Parker? What is it? What's wrong?" He asked, glancing up and down the short hallway.
"I'm alone." She said, seeing his scan.
Eliot reached out and grabbed her arm, pulling her into the apartment. He closed and locked the door. "What's wrong?" He repeated, his gaze now scanning her for anything visible.
"Nothing." Parker shrugged.
"Why are you here outside my door at three in the morning?" He frowned. "Why were you outside?"
She frowned back at him. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, you usually just break in. Why did you knock?"
"I couldn't sleep." She said, looking at him like it was perfectly normal for her to be there at that hour.
His lip twitched.
"Well, darlin." He turned and walked toward the kitchen. "Now that we're both up..."
Parker watched as Eliot pulled two cups down from the cabinet and started some water boiling on the stove.
"What are you doing?" She asked, tilting her head.
"Making some tea. It'll make you sleepy."
She nodded, watching him. She felt herself blush as he reached up to get the tea from its spot on the shelf. Letting her eyes wander over his bare back, she marveled at his build once again. The raw strength of his muscles….Shit.
Parker quickly dropped her eyes, knowing he had seen her staring at him when he turned back to the stove. She forced herself to concentrate on the tea he was making.
"You wanna tell me why you can't sleep?" She heard him ask.
She shook her head.
"Fair enough." He said, dropping the tea bags into the cups. "You wanna tell me why you're out running the streets at this hour?"
"I didn't have anything else to do." She said, shrugging her shoulders again.
Eliot chuckled softly, watching her watch him. He took the kettle off of the stove and divided it into the two cups. Picking up her cup, he handed it to her. "Careful. It's hot." He told her quietly.
Parker took the cup and blew on it, sitting it down on the counter. She watched him dunking the tea bag and did the same to hers. She blew on the cup one more time and then took a drink.
"So." Parker said, sitting her cup back down. "What are we going to do now?"
"I was sleepin." Eliot said, grinning a little at the thief.
"Sleep then." She said, shrugging. "I can watch TV."
"You can watch your own TV. at home."
Parker shrugged again, picking at the teabag's tag.
"Somethin on your mind, darlin?" Eliot watched her fidget with the cup.
"I've been thinking….I mean….."
"Spit it out, Parker." He said, blowing on his cup and taking a drink.
"I've been thinking about the last few months. About you helping me with everything."
He watched her carefully, listening to her words. Reaching out, he stopped her hand from picking at the tag and held it.
"You've told me 'thank you' a million times." Eliot reassured her. "I don't need to hear it."
Parker nodded.
"You didn't come over here for that, darlin. What's goin on?"
"Can I sleep here?"
Eliot was taken aback at the request. He blinked a few times, making sure he was indeed awake. Taking a drink of his hot tea, he felt it burn down his throat and knew he was.
"Uh….sure."
"Thanks." Parker said, picking up her cup and pouring it into the sink, leaving the cup there. She turned and looked at him, as if waiting for him to tell her what to do.
He put his cup next to hers and walked down the hallway.
"I can sleep on the couch." He heard her say behind him.
"No, you ain't."
"I don't want to take your bed. I can stay out there and watch TV until I fall asleep." Parker said, nodding toward the couch.
"The hell you will." He replied, pulling blankets and a pillow out of the hall closet. He carried them to the couch and dropped them down, arranging them neatly.
Eliot watched her stand there, shifting from one foot to the next. He sighed, pulling his hair back and laid back on the couch, stretching out. Reaching over to the end table, he turned off the light.
"Go to bed, Parker."
A few minutes later, he heard her retreating footsteps.
I want to be cruel, I want to be cold
I want a chance to sell my soul
I want to break out, I want to dive in
To lose myself in sin
Parker laid in bed, looking up at the ceiling fan and counting the times it went around. Frustrated, she kicked the covers off and groaned. She pulled at the neck of the t-shirt that she had dug out of Eliot's drawer. Rolling over on her side, she looked at the clock. An hour… She groaned again as she realized that she had been there an hour and still not sleeping. Climbing out of bed, she padded silently down the hall.
She saw Eliot's form still on the couch, his arm draped over his eyes. Not wanting to alarm the man, she crept closer until she was standing at the foot of the couch.
Eliot heard the floorboard creak and stayed quiet. When he heard her footsteps stop at the base of the couch, he was curious as to what was going to happen. Pulling his arm away from his eyes, he saw the head of blonde hair gleaming from the moonlight.
"What is it?" He asked softly, not moving. "Still can't sleep?"
He saw the head nod and he sighed, sitting up a little. He noticed that she had not moved, that she was playing with the hem of….his shirt. Eliot's eyes went to the top of her bare legs, thankful that it was still dark in the apartment.
"Parker?"
She heard his movement and then his voice, her heart pounding in her chest. Swallowing hard, she was thankful that he couldn't see her face.
"I…." She managed, her throat feeling like sandpaper.
Parker heard rustling and then felt the air shift around her. She shivered a little, knowing he was closer than before. She closed her eyes, trying to will her heart to not jump out onto the floor.
He eased himself off of the couch, standing beside it. Taking a moment, he eased closer, making sure he didn't startle her. Giving her time to get used to him in her space, he reached out for her arm, finding it covered in goose bumps.
"Darlin? You cold?" He drawled, running his hand up and down her arm lightly.
Eliot turned and grabbed the blanket from the couch, throwing it over her and wrapping her in it. He felt her shiver against him.
Parker felt his warmth and smelled the scent of him in the blanket. She inhaled it, knowing that she was safe. She leaned against him, her hands finding his bare chest. Tilting her head up, she brushed his lips with hers.
Eliot felt her touch gently on his chest, her soft lips gently kiss his. He stood still, letting her decide what she needed. He heard the blanket drop to the floor and felt her hand meet his.
I want to scream, I want to shout
I want to have faith and never doubt
I want to bend, I want to break
To sleep and never wake
Eliot waited, loving the feel of her small hand in his. He noted that her palm was a little clammy and that made him smile inside. He ran his thumb over the back of her hand, feeling the smoothness of her skin. He heard her draw in a shaky breath.
Parker let the breath out. She stepped back two steps, pulling him with her. As he stepped into the sliver of moonlight from the window, she saw him crease his brow a little.
"What?" She asked, her voice a little stronger now.
He watched her step back, her foot resting on the ball of her heel about to take another step. He felt her tug a little at his hand and he took a few steps forward. His eyes mapped the way to their destination and he wondered if somehow one of them would falter.
She led them to the bedroom with him following slowly. She began to wonder if he would protest, if she had been wrong in wanting this. She felt the back of her knees hit the bed and she sat, pulling him to her.
Eliot stopped, looking down at her. He saw that she had turned the adjoining bathroom light on, casting the room in a dim glow. He saw her eyes watching him as if trying to read his thoughts. He reached down with his other hand and cupped her face, feeling her lean into him.
"Parker…" He said softly.
Parker pulled her hand out of his, moving herself back on the bed. She saw him still standing there and she pulled back the covers and crawled under them. She raised up on her elbows, watching him.
He hesitated for a split second before moving around the bed and crawled in. He slowly scooted himself over to the pillow next to her. He saw her lower her head down to the opposite pillow and he turned to look at her. He saw her eyes drift to his lips and he smiled a little. Reaching out, he touched her face, his finger tracing her lips. He moved his hand, replacing it with his lips.
She felt his lips, softly kissing her. Reaching out, she ran her hand through his hair, letting her fingers pull at the strands. She moved her hand to the back of the neck, deepening the kiss.
He parted her lips with his tongue, his hand framing her face. He pulled back, looking into her eyes and seeing hers watching him. He pulled himself up to rest on his elbow and leaned over her, kissing her nose. His hand ran up her arm, his fingers causing her to shiver. He felt her hand reach up and capture his, threading her fingers through his. He watched her eyes as she moved their hands down to her hip.
To break down walls and to escape
Be alone and hide my face
I want to feel, I want to touch
Want to stop wanting it so much
Parker released his hand, her own moving to his chest. She raked her nails gently over his broad shoulder and down his stomach. She felt him almost humming under her touch and she shifted closer. Lifting up her head, she captured his lips, her tongue probing his mouth.
Eliot's tongue tangled with hers. He felt her hand circling his chest, each time touching somewhere different. Noticing that she had stopped, he opened his eyes and saw her looking at him.
"What?" He asked softly, pulling back slightly. "What is it?"
Her eyes moved again to where she had just touched and she found herself looking away again. She had almost forgotten about the graze on his shoulder from the bullet. The wound he had gotten because of her….She thought, biting her lip to keep the tears from springing to her eyes.
He had followed her gaze to his shoulder and now saw the tears in her eyes. He hated what he saw there, the raw emotions that it brought to the surface.
"Hey." Eliot whispered, pulling her closer to him still. "It's fine, darlin."
He reached up and wiped at the tear that fell.
"I'm not hurt. I never was."
"Yes, you were." He heard her reply and it bothered him how small she sounded.
He shook his head in response. "I've had worse."
"But not because of me."
"This wasn't because of you. It was because the gun went off cause I was careless."
He saw her eyes glance to the area again and felt her shudder. He stroked her hair and leaned closer and kissed her forehead.
"It's over, Parker." He said, whispering in her ear. "I'm fine."
He felt her nod and wondered if she would ever believe him. Robertson had been dead for almost six months now and they had had this conversation at least a dozen times since. Every time she dropped it, he hoped it would be the last.
"Maybe you should get some sleep." He said, pulling back and grabbing for the blanket.
Parker grabbed his hand as he reached for the cover. Catching him off balance, she felt his leg bump against hers, his hand finding her hip.
"I'm not tired." She said, her voice low.
She saw him look at her eyes, as if searching for something.
Eliot felt his hand on her hip, noticing it was no longer touching the t-shirt she had been wearing. He started to move but her hand stopped him, holding his there. He felt her hand move underneath his other side, pushing against him. He took the hint and shifted over her, bracing himself with one arm. Leaning down, he kissed her neck and then her lips.
She moaned softly as he kissed her neck, her fingers trailing down his back and back up to his hair. She felt the quiver in his muscles as he held himself above her and she reached up, pulling him to her. Her eyes closed briefly as she felt his weight on top of her, opening to see him looking at her with soft blue eyes.
He felt a pang of uncertaintyregretguilt as he saw her eyes shut for a second and he started to pull back but he was once again rewarded with her gazing back at him.
"Are you sure?" He whispered, his eyes searching for the slightest hint of doubt.
He saw her nod and heard her whisper "Yes."
Desire all desire is
Desire feeds desire
Desire all desire is
Desire breeds desire
Eliot looked down at her, her eyes fluttering close occasionally. He leaned down, kissing her as he moved above her slowly. He felt her shift and he moaned softly against her ear. He smiled at her as she reached up to grasp his hand with hers, holding it tightly.
Parker felt the beginning waves of pleasure flow through her veins and she gasped. Feeling her body quiver, she clutched at Eliot, hearing his breathing quicken. She heard herself moan his name, biting her lip to keep from crying out.
He shifted so he didn't collapse on top of her, both too spent to move much. He glanced over at her, seeing her eyes a little unfocused and he leaned in to kiss her. He felt the pulse jump in her neck as he ran his finger over her neck to her collarbone.
"You okay?" He asked, watching her blink.
She nodded, moving to curl herself against him. She felt his hand wrap around her waist and him kissing her neck gently. She reached up to his arm and held onto to him as her breathing slowly evened out.
He watched her sleep for a while, making sure she wouldn't dream of nightmares. He kissed the top of her head and closed his eyes. Breathing in her scent, he drifted off.
A/N: The song is from one of my favorite bands, Toad the Wet Sprocket.