I couldn't count how many times I'd attempted to take my own life.
First I tried drowning myself. About three miles from the cemetery hill there was a lake, which in the extreme winter had been completely frozen over. The ice was, I'd say, six inches thick, thick enough to hold a good sized man. With my superhuman balance, I walked out into the middle of the lake, knelt down, and punched a hole clear through the frozen cover, and then again, and again. I kept punching through with ease, until the hole I created was large enough for me to slip through. I could feel the cold air of the water blow up against my face, warning me that it was gravely freezing. With one last breath, I pushed myself in quickly, waiting for the stinging sensation of the icy water to come over me, killing my brain and the rest of my body. But it never came. I was simply floating, not bobbing back to the surface or sinking to the bottom. I was motionless. I looked frozen, but I was not. I was anything but. I was alive, and this was not going to help. I wasn't sure how long I stayed underwater. It got dark, and then light. I knew I wasn't going to die, but I kept trying, and it was keeping me from feeding on anyone, which I wanted more than I wanted to die.
Then there was the cliff jumping. Above the lake there was a cliff that extending over the lake and around behind the mountain. With my newly acquired strength, the trek that would have been strenuous and long lasted only a few short seconds with barely any energy lost on my part. I inched toward the edge, having doubts on what I was doing. My fear of heights had not been eliminated upon my transformation, only proving that my brain was the only evidence of my old existence, but even those memories were unclear. I looked over the edge and I put my hands behind my back to keep myself from catching myself. "Please Lord, save me. Take me," I said as I closed my eyes and looked up toward the heavens. Before I could stop myself, I gave a human-like jump.
This pattern continued for weeks.
I might have been insane, because I was doing the same action each time and yet, I expected different results. Did God not want me? Was I not good enough for him? I kept questioning myself as I sat at the bottom of the mountain after my final jump. Meanwhile, the burning in my throat was becoming unbearably painful. It felt like I had swallowed needles, and it had the stinging pain of a million microscopic paper cuts. It was nothing but distracting now, and I could feel myself becoming weaker because of it, both mentally and physically. Maybe the physical weakness was due to the cliff jumping. I doubted it.
It was like the day I was changed. I was weak again. My legs could barely support my weight, and it was my brain that was being numbed by hunger. How long had it been since that day? I didn't know for sure because lately time hadn't become a priority to me. I had all eternity. The snow had been slowly dying down in quantity, maybe a month or so? A month. I clutched my stomach just thinking about it. I had been dead for a month…only a month. I had centuries, millennia to live, and all I had endured was a month. I was starving. Surely a creature like me, even if they didn't have to sleep or heed to any of the other needs of man, that they would need something to sustain them? Of course. All vampires needed only one thing, blood. They needed the rush, the revenge. They wanted to take the anger of who they were out on the innocent like me, but I was no longer innocent. I would not become a savage. I would truly die and end this torture!
A scent came to my nose, one of perhaps…jasmine? I never really knew flowers. I suppose that's because I never had a woman in the house to teach me about them. Venom flowed through my mouth, over my tongue, reminding me of the growing hunger inside of me. I was like a human without water. I walked toward the scent, getting faster as it grew stronger. I would not let myself become a savage! Trying hard, I held myself back as I peaked from around a tree at the source of the scent. I was at the edge of the forest, near the cemetery where my mother lay. I looked up the hill at the lone visitor in the blustery snow. My fingernails dug into the bark of the tree in resistance.
I would not let myself bite Audrey.
She stood over my grave, her knees in the snow with nothing but her coat and dress to protect her delicate skin from the cold, or my teeth. A growl came through my throat from my empty stomach. My nails caused the tree to crack, and I saw her turn to inspect the noise. Quickly, I turned away, running. I could not risk being near her. I would never hurt a human, and I certainly would never hurt Audrey Gray. My Audrey Gray.
I found myself fighting with myself. I needed to drink, I needed to drink blood. But then there was the other moral side of me that wanted me to keep suffering from insanity, to keep throwing myself off cliffs and drowning myself in a frozen lake. The snow did not numb me cold, as Audrey was being numbed. The snowflakes didn't melt against my face as they did hers. I found myself loathing her, my frozen heart filled with jealously for her humanity. She could grow, she could have a family, she could cry, and she could die. I wanted death. I wanted death more than anything, even blood. She could leave this world forever, never to be plagued by the disease, the cruelty and all the other contents of Pandora's Box. I had to endure it.
My thoughts that slowly threw me into a depression were interrupted when a different scent reached me. It was nowhere near as sweet, but it was oh so…tempting. The burning in my throat intensified, and I could no longer separate my "human" mind from my animalistic instincts. My legs started to move against my will. What was I thinking, I had no will. I only had my intense, burning, hunger! As I moved closer I could hear several hearts beating calmly, and the scent intensified, more than just the one present. They were all different, and yet, they were just as enticing as the first. My limbs began to tremble from the emptiness of my stomach, soon to be filled. Without even thinking another thought, I realized that I was airborne, and once I was on the ground, my teeth had been latched to flesh, and the sweet, warm blood was following down my burning throat.
The relief came over me like a tsunami.
I bit in deeper, taking advantage of all the blood I could. I was barely enjoying the taste, but I was taking pleasure in the burning going away. The victim squirmed in my grip, but I held tighter, crushing its bones under my embrace. It fell to the ground, and I could feel myself becoming fuller as it became weaker. Within a minute, it was completely cold and dead.
I stepped back and the first thing I saw was the blood splattered all over my clothing. I quickly took off my shirt and sucked on it, salvaging everything I could to satisfy the hunger that had tortured me for so long. Then there was the dead being in front of me. A relief much stronger than that of the blood rushed my guilt away in an instant. It was a dear, a large buck. While deer were always the most innocent of animals in my mind, it wasn't a human. People killed and ate animals all the time! I smiled, and laughed as I wiped the blood from my lips.
Yes, very short chapter, but the detailing makes up for it, right?
Thanks so much for all the great reviews! I've never gotten so many on so few of chapters. They're really motivational. Keep reviewing and I'll keep writing!