Depression
Mother caught me looking up how to grieve on the computer. Now she worries even more about me. I wish Saki would come back and take her share of Mother's concern - then again if Saki did come back there would be nothing for Mother to be concerned about in the first place. I wouldn't need to look up 'how to grieve' on the computer.
"Why don't you cry, Nao-kun?"
"I've never seen him look morose since Konishi-chan's passing..."
"The Konishi family's son just carries on like normal! As if she's just gone away!"
"Konishi-kun, don't you ever feel sad about your sister's death?"
Seta's voice returns me to the real world. I blink, glancing across the table to those silver hued eyes which are staring at me questioningly.
"... Senpai, what's the most embarrassing thing that's happened to you?" I counter, a smile gracing its way across my lips.
I'm still eating. I'm still sleeping okay. I don't feel like throwing myself into the Samegawa River, and not a single tear has slipped down my cheek since Saki's passing.
"Hahaha! Ahahaha!" My laugh is raucous, my palm strikes the table in amusement at his anecdote.
I feel normal. I'm acting normal. How am I supposed to behave? It's not like I've ever had to do this before.
"Konishi-kun, do you want another steak skewer?"
"You're just as bad as that counsellor," I scoff, getting to my feet and fumbling for my wallet. "Always trying to make me eat stuff when she's going to launch into one of her sermons. Don't worry Senpai, I'll pay."
"Thanks man," Seta grins, not once reprimanding me for evading his question. "I owe you."
"Nah, think of this as my thanks for helping me to quit that stupid health committee."
What if my body can't grieve? What if it's physically impossible for me to mourn her?
"Hey, Senpai. Tell me another joke."