13
I don't get it, I really don't get it.
Maybe it's just we've grown so close that I didn't even realize it.
I love him, but I don't know in what way. As a friend or as a brother, of course, but also as…
It just can't be! It doesn't –
It just doesn't make sense.
Sometimes I have to resist that urge to just hold him close, I don't even know why I want to do that. I told myself maybe it's because he's like a little brother and I am just protective over him, too protective sometimes.
I mean, I like girls, I've kissed girls, I have dated girls before. But he's just different, I don't get this feeling with any other person, it's like this peaceful feeling inside, that I know he won't just walk out on me because I did a little something wrong or get pissed off at me for not saying the right thing.
But I know I can't tell him the same, I just can't.
It's not going to happen, I am not letting it happen.
So I told him no when he asked me today. He asked me "Do you love me more than just a friend Craig? Because I do." And that expression on his face was just killing me, even though he was not looking at me in the eye… He was so red, I knew if I said I only love you as a friend, I would immediately break his heart, but I had to say it… I just had to.
I can't imagine what would happen if anyone finds out, I don't want him to suffer from it… that's why I can't let him know what I feel about him, not even one bit.
He must be crying in his bed right now, I hate myself.
Only if I could hug him tight and tell him I actually love him very much and I just don't want to hurt him.