SPN's My Bloody Valentine Parody

By Eli_Rogue

AN: I tried really hard here to balance erotic and funny content. I call it "comerotica." Maybe "erotedy?" Whatever. Let me know how it turned out, okay?

So there he was, cursing everything he knew about Cupid with his back to Sam and Castiel. He impetuously threw the K-Y against the wall in a rage, not bothering to consider the potential ramifications, and started to fantasize about all the cruel things he would do to Cupid. Unfortunately, Dean didn't get long to plot Cupid's painful, bloody demise before he was enveloped in an unsettling, tender hug from behind. Thanks for the warning, Sam! "Hey, Cas," he greeted gingerly.

Cas silently laid tiny kisses on Dean's neck and hairline. "Hello, Dean." He moved his hands up and undid Dean's tie.

As Cas slipped Dean's tie off his head, Dean took a few very large steps forward and spun around to confront the Angel.

Castiel's eyes were closed, and he was holding Dean's tie up to his own nose and breathing deeply. "Smells like you," he said seductively.

Dean exchanged a panicked glance with Sam, mouthing, Help me out of this!

Sam threw his arms out to the side, agitatedly mouthing back, What do you want me to do?!

Dean shrugged angrily and mouthed, Anything!

Castiel opened his eyes and stared intently at Dean. He slipped the tie into his pocket and started walking slowly forward. "Dean... do you remember the time you swore not to let me die a virgin?"

He didn't like where Cas was going with that. "Yeah...," he cautiously answered, taking a few steps back. He backed right into that inconveniently-placed column and tried to duck sideways, but Castiel grabbed his arm with much of his Angelic strength and held him fast against the column.

Cas kissed him on the lips this time, but thankfully didn't try to slip him the tongue. Yet. "Well..." Cas explained, kissing his neck and unbuttoning a button, "when you made that oath," two buttons, "then walked into the next room," three buttons, "I thought you were going to go up the stairs..." four buttons, "and take me with you." He looked down and stared at Dean's muscle shirt peeking out from under his nice dress shirt. He touched a finger to it, then, a second later, gripped the collar and violently tore the undershirt free from Dean's torso, letting the ruined fabric flutter to the floor. He smirked smugly and continued his quest to kiss his way down Dean's body.

Dean gasped in shock when his shirt was ripped away. He looked pathetically toward Sam, who was just frozen in place with his puppy-eyes wide and hands covering his mouth. By the time Cas started sucking on his collarbone, he composed himself enough to swear, "I just meant I was gonna get you laid."

Suddenly, Cas's large eyes were boring into Dean's. "That's not what you said," the Angel growled into his face. After a tense moment, his features softened, and he cocked his head, letting his eyes trail to Dean's pretty mouth. "We've been through a lot together, and I think I know you're a man of your word." He kissed those lips, harder this time, forcing his tongue inside once again.

Dean tensed and squirmed against the assault, trying to pry his right arm out of Cas's strong grip and push him away with his left. It didn't work any better than the last time. In fact, it got worse: Castiel removed his right hand from Dean's chest to grab the mortal's left arm, then wrenched both of his arms around the column and held his wrists together. Dean moaned in protest as Cas removed Dean's tie from his pocket to bind his hands.

Finally, Castiel broke the kiss and looked Dean in the eye once more. "You are, aren't you? A man of your word?" Cas just smiled broadly at Dean's defiant stare and started kissing his chest again.

Dean released the breath he'd been holding and let his head fall against the column. After a few seconds of struggling uselessly again his bonds and letting Cas kiss, lick, and suck his way around his torso, Dean took another calming breath and opened his eyes. And – what the fuck – Sam was still just standing there, staring at Cas and Dean in horror. Suffice it to say, Dean was somewhat less than impressed. How many times had he saved Sam's ass when he was tied up or dead? Too many to count. What are you doing?! he mouthed angrily. Go! he continued, jerking his head toward the door across the room. Do something!

Sam thought hard for a second, then nodded, Okay! He sneaked toward the door as quietly as he could.

Castiel rose to meet Dean's eyes and kissed him demurely on the tip of his nose. "Don't go anywhere," he whispered with a chuckle, and vanished.

Sam got to the door without looking back and opened it, only to be confronted by a quite unamused Castiel. Sam leaped back in shock and glanced back at Dean, who was still tied to the column, but alone.

"And where are you going, Sam Winchester?"

Sam froze a little. "Uh... ah... I... just thought... you... might like to be alone... with Dean?" Certainly not to get holy oil or an Enochian spellbook.

Castiel walked menacingly toward Sam. "For some time now, I have considered you a friend," he admitted, "but you will not interfere with my plans for your brother. I would prefer not to have to harm you." He stared Sam down for another moment, then, when he was certain that Sam was sufficiently subdued, he ordered, "Give me your tie and stand against that column." He had no clue why there were so many damn ornamental columns in that room, but they sure did come in handy at times like this. Sam submissively did as he was told, and Cas bound his hands on the other side of the column, just as he had with Dean. He roughly grabbed Sam's hair to force eye-contact and growled, "Am I going to hear anything more out of you?"

Sam shook his head vigorously.

Cas shot Sam one last warning glare before walking back over to Dean. He grinned predatorily. "Now... where were we?" Slowly, he leaned forward and inhaled Dean's scent. "Mmm," he purred. "You smell good." He licked Dean's neck. "You taste good, too." In no time, he licked and kissed his way back to where he was, un-tucking and unbuttoning the rest of his shirt.

Dean's natural instinct was to fight. Not just against this, but against everything. Dean was a fighter by nature, and, as it turned out, being tied up and molested was a strong trigger for his fight instinct. Unfortunately, he had few anti-Angel weapons in his cache and none at his immediate disposal. Besides, as much as he cared for the Angel and didn't want anything bad to happen to him, the fact of the matter was Castiel was his best anti-Angel weapon, and he simply couldn't risk getting him killed – even for the sake of his man-cherry. Time for Plan B. "Cas."

"Hm?" the Angel hummed with his tongue in Dean's belly-button.

Dean took a calming breath. "Cas, you need to stop. This isn't real."

"It is real." He slid his hand down and grabbed Dean's ass. "Feel that? Real."

"No! I mean, this isn't you!" he explained, squirming. "Cupid is making you do this, but you can fight it!"

"I probably could."

"I know you could!"

Cas stood and looked Dean in the eye. He blinked once and asked, "Why should I?"

This was Dean's chance. It was now or never: the moment of truth. He furrowed his brow, batted his eyelashes, and, with a pout, did his best sad!Sammy impression. "Cas, please...." He hated Plan B; it was demeaning and considerably more difficult than Plan A, a.k.a. Kick Some Ass. Wasn't as much fun, either. Nevertheless, Dean held the pout and eye-contact hoping against hope that it would work.

Just when he thought it might be working, Cas smiled and gushed, "You are so adorable," and kissed him gently but firmly on the mouth. He slid Dean's jacket and shirt off his shoulders. He abruptly broke the kiss and cast his gaze downward, glaring at Dean's shirts as they hung about his elbows. Castiel had little experience with manual disrobing and hadn't taken Dean's bound hands into account. He realized he would have to untie the hunter if he was to get those shirts where they belong: the floor.

"You know," Cas said as he walked around Dean to untie his hands, "I've never been intimate with anyone before. In any manner." He finished untying the complicated knot and, holding onto Dean's wrist, walked back around the column to face him once again. "No matter what we do," he pointed out with a sly grin, "it will be my first time."

Dean glared at him and snarled acerbically, "I'll be gentle."

The sarcasm was lost on Cas, who cocked his head in confusion. Calmly, he insisted, "That won't be necessary." He grabbed Dean's other wrist and, with the strength of Heaven, threw him violently to the floor.

Since Plan B clearly didn't work, Dean made a last-ditch effort that he knew all too well was in vain: run away. He scrambled on the floor to get to his feet but didn't even get one foot flat on the ground before he was roughly tackled by Castiel. The next thing he knew, he was being flipped onto his back and pinned to the floor. He kicked and thrashed in a panic, but Cas mumbled something in Enochian and Dean's wrists and feet were suddenly adhered to the floor. And, as if that wasn't bad enough, Cas maneuvered himself between Dean's knees and started to undo his pants.

"Holy debauchery, Cupid!" an obnoxious, familiar voice rang out. "You weren't kidding!"

As he realized who owned that voice, Dean prayed for death. Oh, what he wouldn't have given in that moment to see Tessa again.

"I told you they were here!" Cupid whined.

Dean clenched his jaw as the newcomer approached him slowly and clicked his tongue at him. "Well, well, well...," he drawled, "Dean Winchester." He poked Dean in the ribs with a shoe and giggled immaturely. "Looks like you've gotten yourself into quite a pickle!"

"Yeah - I get it; this is hilarious. Help me out here!"

Gabriel laughed loudly and invidiously in his face. "Why on Dad's green Earth would I wanna do that?"

"You owe me!" Dean pointed out, squirming under Castiel's hands and lips. "I could have left you in that circle of Holy Fire, and you would have deserved it!"

"Oh, sure, throw that in my face." In response to Dean's glare, he rolled his eyes and sighed melodramatically. "And what exactly would you have me do?"

"I don't know! You're the creative one!"

Gabriel chuckled smugly. "That's true."

"Just... trap him somewhere until this wears off or something...." Dean noticed Gabriel getting a devious gleam in his eye and added, "Somewhere safe!"

Gabriel seemed to genuinely ponder his request. Finally, he decided, "Sorry, kiddo; no can do. Deal with your own problems." Then, he turned around and walked away.

"What?! Get back here, you little – mmmm!" He didn't get to finish his thought on account of Cas's lips suddenly covering his own.

Gabriel walked up to Sam, concerned at how long it took him to start heckling the Sasquatch - he would have to work on that. "Sammy!" he greeted the taller man. "This is a good look for you: tied up and silent." He laughed and gently ran a finger along Sam's jaw.

Sam jerked his head away from the unwanted touch and glanced worriedly toward Castiel. Would Cas make good on his threat if he told Gabriel where to shove it? He said nothing, opting instead to wield the Your-Antics-Do-Not-Amuse-Me face he created just for the trickster.

Gabriel, however, wasn't concerned with Castiel. He suspected that Cupid must have given him a contact high, but that didn't make the emo Winchester brother any less ravishable – thick cro-magnon skull and all. Something a couple feet away caught his eye, and he summoned it. A tube flew into his outstretched hand, and, upon reading it, he cackled maniacally. "Ooh!" he cried in joy. "Lube!" He waved the K-Y in Sam's face with a smirk and vowed, "We are going to need every last drop of this." Before Sam could protest or yell for help (not that anyone was available, anyway), he touched two fingers to his forehead and left the room.

Meanwhile, after Gabriel stopped harassing Dean, and Castiel had finished his shut-up kiss, Dean looked to Cupid for help. "Cupid!" he cried. "Look, I know you can't fix him, but there has to be something you can do to stop him before he rapes me!"

Cupid covered his mouth and gasped in horror. "He would never do that!"

The hunter's pants were down around his ankles now, and Castiel was straddling his shins and fumbling with his shoes; Dean had his doubts. He scoffed and argued, "Are you sure about that?"

Cupid sighed, calming himself easily. "It doesn't work like that, silly! He'll only make love to you if you want it," he explained. At Dean's skeptical look, he extended a hand toward Dean's head and offered, "Here, like this...."

"NO!!!!"

But it was too late.

tbc. BWHAHAHA. Review, for the love of Cas and Gabe's Dad, Review! Who wants to see a chapter about what Gabriel does to Sam? Please, tell me how Dean and Cas should get it on in Chapter 4! After all, they have 24 whole hours, the combined stamina of a hunter and an angel, and a fanfic writer who (unfortunately) isn't a mind-reader. /-_-\

AN: I know, I'm a horrible, horrible person. Just to warn those of you who haven't yet figured it out, the next chapter will likely be rated M, and I wanted to keep this rated T for as long as I could.