Title: Bailey's Angels

Author: lovemesomeowen

Mandatory Opening Voice Over: Once upon a time there were three handsome surgeons who worked at Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital. Two were Pretty Boys. The other was a Badass. And they were all assigned very tedious storylines. But I took them away from all that. And now they work for me. My name …is Bailey.

Cue Music: Bah dee dah…bum bum bum… bah dee dah…oh scooby dooby…bah dee dah…bum bum bum…bah dee dah…hey yeah yeah yeah…

Cue Visual: Three Handsome Surgeons in silhouette, wielding scalpels

Opening Scene:

Derek, Mark, and Owen were sitting around in Derek's Office because it's a major set piece and Bromance scenes usually happen there. Apparently, there were no lives that needed saving at that moment, so the three of them tossed around the nerf ball and shared intimate personal details of their lives, one less so than the other two because he was both a Badass and a private person who didn't feel the need to emote constantly.

Just then the phone rang. And not just any phone, but the red phone with a flashing light and no way to make outgoing calls. The three of them jumped up and looked excited.

Owen pushed the speaker phone button as the trio leaned in as one.

"Good morning, Angels!" a voice boomed.

"Good morning, Bailey!" they intoned in unison with manly affection.

"So do you have a storyline for us today? Because the summer hiatus has been long and the 6.5 authors can only do so much. We're dying here!" said Mark. "I fear that my pheromones may be diluted."

"My hair is starting to go all limp and fly-away," Derek complained.

"I'm still toned and tanned and gorgeous," said Owen. Noting Mark and Derek's scowls, he added, "What? I am! I can't help it! But I am bored. So what's the mission, boss?"

"It's come to my attention that Seattle Grace Mercy West has been infiltrated by an enemy agent. She was sent by a rival network's president in hopes of bringing down our ratings. She's cleverly disguised in ill-fitting clothes, limp hair, and make up that was clearly applied by a device set to 'Clown'. Code Name: Teddy Bear."

"Teddy?" Owen gasped. "No wonder things haven't been the same since around here since she arrived! Villain! And she said she wanted to be friends. Unring the bell my…"

"Enough!" Bailey commanded. "There's no use blaming yourself, Owen. You did the best you could in an impossible situation. It's only due to your stellar acting skills that the Coconuts were reassured that you love Cristina and her only. We all know you chose Cristina constantly: kissing her up against walls, telling her "we matter", boinking her silly in 613. And that Season Finale? After a minor hiccup in 623, you knocked 624 out of the park, baby. Anyway…

As I was saying, the Teddy Bear has been wreaking havoc across all storylines. Owen, you and Cristina bore the brunt of it with the Faux Triangle of Doom. Mark, you were next; a victim of the There's No One Else To Pair Them With So Let's Put Them Together Curse. It's only a matter of time before she goes after Derek or maybe even me. She needs to be elimated immediately. Handle it."

"Ooh! I could asphyxiate her with my hair spray!" offered Derek.

"I could steam her to death in my shower!" Mark suggested.

"No," said Owen ominously, "After the hell she's put Cristina and me though? She's mine."

Next Scene:

Derek, Mark, and Owen strode into the hospital cafeteria, lab coats flapping behind them.

Passing by the table where Meredith, Alex, and Cristina were eating lunch, Derek gestured to his wife and whispered, "Heads up! Hunt's taking down Altman!"

"Excellent!" Karev murmured.

"Oh, Derek, be careful!" Meredith exclaimed.

"He said Hunt's taking down Altman!" Cristina snapped. "I'm the one who should be worried here. My Badass Boyfriend, I mean Fiancé, is gunning for my Mentor. Granted, she's not Burke or Hahn or even Dixon, but she's all I've got. I need to find out what's up."

By then the Angels had formed a "triangle" of their own. Derek and Mark stood at opposite sides of Owen…a few feet back…ready to back Owen up if things got ugly.

Owen approached the table where Teddy was sitting with Arizona.

"Robbins, do you have a problem with live tissue? If so, speak now. In fact, leave now. My beef isn't with you. It's with Mata Hari, here."

Startled, Arizona move away from the table.

"Hey!" groused Teddy. "Where do you think you're going? You're my only friend!"

"Um, sorry. You're on your own. I've got tiny humans to save." She made a hasty exit.

Teddy whirled around to face Owen. "So how did you find out?"

"Find out what?" asked Cristina. "Owen, what's going on?"

"Turns out my 'friend' Teddy was never a friend at all. In addition to mooning over me while I was engaged in Iraq and telling me she was in love with me even after she found out I was with you and giving me an incredulous look after I told her I loved you and harassing you until you offered to trade me and telling me about your trade offer in a drunken rant than defines 'over sharing' and paging you …twice…while we were in the throes of passion and not unringing the bell and mooning over me some more in a not subtle way and feigning being a badass surgeon at the baseball diamond and making goo-goo eyes at me in the elevator and eavesdropping on us in the stairwell and demanding that I make a 'choice', which - as an aside - is ridiculous because it's always been you, Cristina, but I digress, it turns out that she's an enemy agent sent to destroy us from within! My assignment is to get rid of her permanently."

"Seriously?" Cristina pondered all that Owen had said in that run-on sentence that would give any English teacher hives. "Well, in that case, take her out. I'll find another mentor somewhere. Sheesh! It's getting to be like Defense Against the Dark Arts around here."

"Thank you," he nodded at Cristina. "Now step back. Things could get dicey."

"Oh, yeah?" sneered Altman. "Just what do you think you're going to do to me, Owen?"

She struck a martial arts stance as Owen rolled his eyes. "Do you really think I'd hit a woman? That would go over really well. Like I need that. Besides, it's not necessary."

Derek and Mark exchanged glances.

"Here it comes," said Shepherd.

"Brace yourself," said Sloane.

Owen's mesmerizing blue eyes locked onto those of The Teddy Bear. With laser-like intensity, they bored a hole right through her causing her to melt upon impact.

"Nooooo! Owen!" she screamed. "Pick me! Choose me! Love me!"

"Hey!" Meredith exclaimed indignantly, "That's my speech! Back off!"

Within moments Teddy Altman was reduced to a puddle on the cafeteria floor.

"Clean up in aisle three!" Alex smirked.

"Wow!" said Cristina, rushing into Owen's waiting arms. "That was so Badass of you."

"Why, thank you! I aim to please," he said, nuzzling her neck.

"I just have one question, though," she continued. "With those kinds of skills, why didn't you just melt my icicle on that cold and icy night which changed our lives forever?"

Bending her back into a passionate kiss, he replied, "Where would the fun have been in that?"

Final Obligatory Scene:

Derek, Mark, and Owen sat on the desk talking to Bailey on the phone again.

"Nice work, Angels," she praised.

"Thanks, Bailey!" they said together.

"So what are your plans for the remaining days of the hiatus?" she inquired.

"I'm going to run out to the store and buy my pregnant wife the strange foods she's craving," said Derek.

"I'm going to figure out if I want to have a baby with Torres or if things are going to remain all awkward between us indefinitely," said Mark.

"I'm going home to have smokin' hot sex with my Badass fiancée," gloated Owen.

"Show off," pouted Mark.

"Lucky…" sighed Derek.

"Get a room!" bellowed Bailey.

Cue smiles and end-of-show laughter: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Cue music over credits: Bah dee dah…bum bum bum… bah dee dah…oh scooby dooby…bah dee dah…bum bum bum…bah dee dah…hey yeah yeah yeah…

Mandatory Closing Voice Over: Yes, I know there's supposed to be a closing Voice Over here. I'm Bailey. I know everything that goes on in my hospital. I'm going to be Chief of Surgery one day. Don't you think I won't! In the meantime, I know what all you fan girls and fan boys want is more of your precious Owen and Cristina, so I'm gonna throw you a few crumbs, okay?

To get through these final days of hiatus, just think lovely thoughts: Truck sex. Vent sex. Shower sex. On-call-room sex. Wedding sex. Paris sex. Pretty much any kind of Owen and Cristina sex seems to make you happy. Don't say I never did anything for you.

You're welcome.