Melee Academy of Higher Learning for Boys

Year Four – The Final Year

-Three-

It was your typical October day—cool mornings followed by comfortable afternoons, with rays of sun peeking in between the clouds. There was a drizzle of rain splashing the turning leaves, wetting the soil for the dying greenery, and pissing off the people who were trying to keep their lawns nice and tidy. Master Hand was outside, supervising Fox and Falco as they raked the leaves. He wasn't really supervising per se; he was preoccupied with a man in his seventies nicknamed "Old Man River". He was always outside raking the leaves, trimming the hedge, or watching the neighbours for unhealthy amounts of time.

Many of the Smashers were enjoying their day off by sleeping in later—Bowser was content in his bed, dreaming of conquering the Mushroom Kingdom once and for all; Ganondorf was lazing about The Manse after yet another argument with his wife. Zelda was in the library with Peach, swapping news stories and just gossiping as they always did.

"If he thinks he can just push you around, he has another thing coming," Peach said, fingers curled around the delicate handle of her teacup, saucer in her lap. "Samus and I won't hesitate to teach him a thing or two."

Over on the other side of the library sat Marth and Roy, propped up by many pillows on the worn, but extremely comfortable couch in the corner.

"Well, how about this one? There's a nice alcove of trees…" Roy looked up hopefully at Marth, who was examining the advertisement in the 'Weddings of Nintendo Land' magazine Roy picked up when they went to the store last. In it was a small little wedding chapel with a different selection of 'marrying locations', including the alcove Roy mentioned before.

"Yes, but we're getting married in December. The leaves will be gone by that time." Marth snuck a glance out library window. "The leaves will be gone by mid-November, even."

Roy pouted. "But I want an alcove of trees."

Marth patted Roy's hand as he rested the magazine in his lap. "That leaves us either getting married this month, or waiting until the spring for the leaves to come back."

Roy chewed his lip as he took the magazine back. "Maybe they're fake trees."

Marth sighed. "It was your idea to get married in December."

"Yeah, but that was before I saw this."

Marth rummaged through his Binder of Wedding Stuff, which he had to steal back from Zelda yesterday. There were already suggestions written in pink gel pen, and Marth had to resist the urge to roll his eyes. She was a huge help—he wasn't saying she wasn't—but sometimes he thought she was getting a little too involved. After all, she had her own family to take care of…

"We'd have to do it on a day we're off," Marth said, opening the bulky binder. "That might be limited. Plus, we need a honeymoon…"

"For all intents and purposes, dear, we've had about ten honeymoons already." It wasn't like neither of them were virgins or anything, after all. "Besides, unless you're stealing me from my family and you plan on hiding us away for a week or two, there's really no point."

Marth smirked. "But what if I am stealing you away?"

"You can't steal something twice, you know."

"We can do it on the…" Marth stared at the calendar. There were no other days off except one this week.

"Yes?"

Marth slammed the binder closed. It reverberated off the library walls. At the other end of the room, someone jumped from the sudden noise.

"We'd have to do it today."

Roy nearly had a heart attack. "L-Let's look at something else then."

Marth gave him a look. "You were so hellbent on the tree alcove place, and now you want something else?"

Roy returned his look with a glare. "I don't feel comfortable getting married today. I'm not that impulsive."

Marth sighed. "It'll be December soon enough, and you still won't feel comfortable."

"Would you feel better if I said I'd rather get married in June?" Roy challenged.

"You still wouldn't be ready, Roy. I think you're skittish when it comes to commitment."

Roy nearly dropped the magazine. "What the hell are you talking about? Who broke up with who?"

"And who proposed to who?"

"It sounds like our 'perfect couple' is succumbing to the stress of a wedding," Peach mused, for she could hear Marth and Roy's argument from the other side of the library. Zelda sighed.

"Did I ever tell you that this sort of thing is normal for couples?"

Peach played with her teacup. "Their argument is more soul-searching, 'I'm trying to find out something about you and your reaction' than the arguing you and Ganon do." She then looked Zelda straight in the eye.

"I know, I know, you warned me."

Peach's look darkened. "I didn't warn you. I just said, 'I hope you know what you're getting into.' Link was the one who warned you."

Link. The only one who had been there for her throughout the years.

"And you know what? I think he was right."

Peach patted Zelda's hand and gave her a look of reassurance as they tried to not listen in on Marth and Roy's 'lover's spat'.

"And who took you back and accepted your proposal, huh?"

"You did!"

"Yes," Roy answered, "I did!"

And then they stared into each other's eyes, losing the whole point of their argument.

Roy jumped from the couch, causing Marth to jump.

You'd better not leave me, Roy, or I swear—

"Marth…" Roy's tone was much softer this time. "Marth… Let's get married."

"Isn't that the point of getting engaged? I do believe I asked that already."

"I meant let's run off somewhere and elope."

"Isn't that what we were going to do anyway? That's what we planned for an entire year for, correct?"

Marth, are you having a moment or something?

"Let's run off today and get married or eloped or whatever."

Marth crossed his arms. "I don't want you rushing this just because of a stupid spat. Sit down, think about this. We can look at other chapels—maybe ones with fake trees."

Roy smirked. "Getting cold feet, are we?"

Marth became the slightest bit flustered. "N-No! I am just saying that, as the voice of reason here, we should think this through more."

Roy's smirk turned into a mischievous grin. "Who has commitment issues now, King Marth of Altea?"

Marth grumbled under his breath.

"Yes? Something you'd like to say, Marthy?"

"You are so not cute right now."

Roy's grin became bigger. "I'm not trying to be cute, Marth."

"There's so much we have to discuss, like what to do with our respective kingdoms—"

"Regents. I'm sure you have someone on your advisory team you can trust to run the country."

"I do have a wife, you know. Sheeda can take care of the kingdom whilst I'm away."

Roy said nothing for a bit. "So who's taking care of Altea right now?"

"My sister," Marth answered, as if it were obvious.

Roy sat on the arm of the couch. "Any other doubts you have?"

"Last names."

"What does it matter, anyway? You don't use yours."

Marth choked on his spit. "Why are you assuming I'm changing mine?"

"Because I can't change mine."

"Why?"

Roy stopped and thought about this for a minute. "It wouldn't make sense to rule a marquess-state called Pherae—which has been in my father's family since forever, practically—if my name would be changed to something."

"So then we just won't change them, full stop."

"But wouldn't that be weird?"

Marth gave him a look. "…I don't think we have the same standards as, say, a man and woman getting married. We don't have to change our names."

"…Neither do they."

There was a pause in the conversation.

"That is true, too," Marth admitted, then sighed. "This takes too much thought. Are you sure you want to—"

Roy gave him a look.

"Positive?"

Roy changed his look slightly.

"Because you expressed the fact that you felt 'rushed' and 'uncomfortable' before, so—"

"Are you ready?"

"Me?"

Roy slid off the arm of the couch and fell on the cushions instead.

"You're the only guy named Marth around here that I know of, so yeah, you."

Marth scoffed. "I've been ready since I proposed to you. Otherwise I wouldn't have done it."

"Then it's settled?"

Marth nodded.

"Okay then. Let's put up a notice or something."

Roy helped Marth up off the couch, and they left the library hand-in-hand.

Peach sighed wistfully. "They truly are adorable."

That sound of something shattering was Zelda's marriage being blown to smithereens.

-x-

"You're doing what today?"

If Link hadn't been sitting on his beanbag chair, the one he dubbed The Gaming Chair of Awesome, he would have fallen on the floor. Considering he was only six inches above the floor, he wouldn't have been hurt much or fallen too far. The Wiimote fell from his hand and swayed from the wrist strap.

Roy stood in Link's doorway, hands on his hips.

"You heard me—it's impossible for Hylians to be deaf or hard of hearing."

Link cursed in his head. "Well, okay then. When did you decide this?"

"Half an hour ago."

Link saved his game progress and turned the Wii off so he could give Roy his full attention.

"Let me guess, you brought up the 'you have commitment issues' argument, didn't you."

Roy's confident composure cracked. "Yeah."

Link sighed and shook his head. "Are you even prepared for this?"

"Is anyone ever prepared for their wedding day?"

"Well, Zelda—"

"Zelda's a naturally calm person. Of course she'd be prepared."

"You weren't even at her wedding. She was a nervous wreck who tried to make it out like it was perfectly normal to marry your enemy."

"So anyway," Roy said, steering the subject back to before, "are you coming or not?"

Link grinned. "Duh. I'm not gonna miss my best friend's wedding, you idiot."

Roy mirrored his grin. "That's what I thought you'd say."

-x-

"I—What the hell am I doing?"

Zelda patted Marth on the shoulder after he hung up the phone.

"You're getting married, Marth."

Marth couldn't even find words.

"And you just called up that chapel place, set the reservations for the afternoon, and you were going to ask me to bake a cake and host the reception," Peach added.

Marth nearly had a heart attack. Zelda tried to steady his nerves.

"It's not that bad. Roy will come down the aisle; the ceremony will be what, ten minutes at the most? And you'll sign the license and be pronounced partners for life…"

"That just makes me more nervous, Zelda."

Peach served everyone some tea. "If you really aren't ready for this, tell him."

"I am ready. I'm just—just… There's still so much to figure out and…"

"The stress is getting to you." Zelda nodded understandingly. "Everything will be fine. It will be you, Roy, me, Link, Peach, and…"

"No one else," Marth finished. "It's that private."

Peach had a task on her hands—bake a cake in four hours, along with all the catering. It was a challenge she was ready to grab by the horns and overcome.

"Leave all the food and preparations to me, Marth. You've got enough on your plate." And she giggled when she realized the pun she made.

Isn't the bride supposed to only get cold feet? Marth thought. Then again, there really is no 'bride'. Link tried that joke already.

-x-

"If I get one more email from anyone back home saying, 'Oh, Master Roy, you're too young to be getting into such a serious contract at such short notice!' I'm gonna throw something."

Link was busy doing his Japanese project on the bed as Roy checked his email.

"Maybe they have a point?"

Roy closed his email account and worked on a game of Minesweeper instead. Never mind the fact that he really should have been getting ready for his wedding in two hours.

"I'm almost eighteen. I think I know what I'm doing." In reality, Roy had absolutely no idea what he was doing, hence why he was playing Minesweeper when he had more important things to do.

Link turned to the back of his textbook to look up a word.

"Being almost an adult doesn't mean you are one."

"So then what are you saying?"

Link sighed and put his Japanese project to the side. It could wait for later—or never, knowing Link.

"You're a senior in high school who's only been in one relationship in his entire life."

"I had a girlfriend before Marth, you know," Roy corrected.

"And you got engaged to that one person," Link continued, undeterred. "Now you're getting married after what, five months of engagement?"

Roy growled in frustration after losing yet another Minesweeper match. He clicked out of it and started a game of Bejeweled instead.

"Your point is?"

"I'm just saying that…well, you and Marth wanted to wait until at least the end of the year because of Christmas break and everything… Personally, I think a snow covered wedding is better than one under an alcove of trees."

Roy turned away from the computer, a look of guilt on his face.

"…I am rushing things."

"Why?"

Roy shrugged. "I don't know."

Link looked at the clock. In an hour and a half, Roy would begin his journey to the chapel located on the outskirts of town.

"It's not too late to tell Marth to postpone this, is it?"

"If I tell him that, we'll just get into an argument again over how I can never commit to anything."

"But you shouldn't get married for the wrong reasons, Roy."

Roy leaned back in the chair, fingers massaging his temples.

"I'm not gonna stand him up, if that's what you're gonna say next."

Link promptly shut his mouth and swallowed his suggestion.

-x-

"Do you have all the paperwork filled out, Mr. Lowell?"

Marth took out his copy of the 'underaged marriage contract' he was given by Master Hand several months ago.

"I have all of my things filled out. My fiancé has to fill in the rest. If he ever gets here." Marth was not only even more nervous, but he was worried Roy was going to leave him at the altar. He looked to Zelda for reassurance.

"I've tried calling him, but I haven't gotten an answer," Zelda said as she pressed a few buttons on her phone. "I'll try calling Link—he might know where Roy is."

I swear if he stood me up, I will… Well, I don't know what I'll do, but I won't be happy in the least.

Just before Zelda could call Link, the Hero of Time came running through the doors in jeans and a t-shirt, a frantic look in his eyes.

Marth nearly had a heart attack when he saw Link was alone.

"Oh gods, he didn't show, did he?"

Link winced when Marth's voice cracked.

"Relax, Marth," Link said as he rushed down the aisle. "Your princess is in the castle. Well, actually, he's in the bathroom puking from nervousness. At least, I hope it's nervousness and he didn't suddenly become pregnant somehow—"

"He's here?" Zelda demanded.

"Yeah," Link answered coolly. "Although I must tell you, he almost didn't show. He was having second thoughts because this was all short notice and everything."

If there could be a disc scratching noise in the background, there would have been one. Instead, there was an uncomfortable silence.

"Roy's having second thoughts?"

Link nodded. "Well, Marth, you're the one who used the 'you have commitment issues' argument. He felt guilty so he decided to go along with this."

Zelda glared at Link. "You have a thing for crashing weddings or something, Link? First mine, now Marth and Roy's… Who's next on the list? Ike and Elincia?"

"I do not crash—" Link realized what Zelda just said. "Wait, what? Ike and Elincia?"

Everyone looked at Zelda then. She too realized what she just said.

"You didn't know?"

Link was clearly upset now. "Does it look like I knew?!"

"Obviously you didn't!" Zelda was not going to put up with Link shouting at her.

"Will you both calm down?" Marth interjected.

"Is that where Ike went? Back to Crimea? Why did no one tell me?"

"Because we knew you would be hurt if we told you Ike left you for someone else," Zelda said.

Link looked suspiciously at Marth. "'We'?"

Marth held his hands up defensively. "I had nothing to do with this."

"It was Ike and I," Zelda confessed.

Roy took that moment to come into the back yard of the main chapel area, where his alcove of trees was, clutching his head.

"Is this the Jerry Springer Show or the place I'm getting married at? 'Cause if this ain't the chapel, I need directions to it." He then examined the place. "Looks vaguely chapelish, though. …Is Jerry Springer doing a wedding special?"

"It's your wedding," Zelda said, shoving Link into a pew. She didn't want the special day ruined for the 'perfect' couple, despite the fact that it already was in Marth's opinion.

Roy scratched his head. "Y'sure? All the shouting made me want to go all 'Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!' just so I could be involved in something."

Link sprang from the pew and grabbed Roy.

"Whoa, Fairy Boy. I love you, but in a brotherly way!"

"Did you know?!"

Roy blinked and gazed into Link's crazed gaze.

"Know wha'?"

"About Ike!"

"Wha' abou' 'im?"

"Link, get off of him!" Zelda said. She would have pulled him off Roy with her magic, but since she was heavily pregnant, her magic was ineffective for the job.

Luckily Roy was able to slip out of Link's grasp and stumble away from him.

"Wha' th' hell is goin' on?" Roy looked to Marth for answers.

"I wish I knew," Marth answered.

Roy turned to Master Hand, who was the officiant for the ceremony.

"Can we go somewhere a little more…quieter?"

Behind them, Link and Zelda screaming at each other could be heard. If Master Hand had a face, he would have winced. Instead, his fingers twitched.

"You still want to go through with this?" Marth asked, skeptical about Roy's reason for getting married.

Roy nodded. "I had a lot of time t'think in the bathroom while I was pukin', an' I decided tha' since we're here, we might as well go through with it."

No one takes that long in the bathroom unless…

"Roy, are you drunk?"

Roy giggled. "Na~h. I only had a few—nothin' to make me too impaired."

Marth blinked. "Roy, we can't get married if you're under the influence."

"Why? My vision and the buzz'll both clear up in like…ten minutes or somethin'. Then we can get married."

"Why were you drinking in the first place? You know you can't handle it very well."

Roy blinked a few times. "'Cause. I got really, really nervous. So I had a few."

Marth gave Roy a scolding look.

"…At least I'm not nervous nomore."

Roy then stumbled off to a potted plant, where he promptly threw up again.

"I think it's safe to say that we won't be getting married today," Marth said. He was half-expecting the place to burst into flames.

This turned out to be a disaster.

-x-

Author's Note: Leave it to Link to ruin a wedding. Fortunately for Marth and Roy, they can try again at some other point without either of them teasing each other for not being able to handle commitment. I have to admit, this was a weird chapter to write since it sort of slipped into something out of a Jerry Springer episode, but since this is The Manse, nothing is ever normal. It's impossible. That's what makes it interesting.