Melee Academy of Higher Learning for Boys
Year Four – The Final Year
-Five-
November flitted past, taking with it the leaves on the trees and the warm air, leaving a space for December to come waltzing in, turning things cold and icy as it entered. Snow was not uncommon, nor was hail or the occasional snow storm with hail and sleet. Master Hand, cheap sentient hand that he was, decided to try and save some money by installing space heaters in every room so he could save on the gas bill instead of switching to something cheaper, like propane. This was a good idea for all of three days, for on the third day, Falcon's burst into a fiery ball of sparks and burning spandex. All that remained was a charred mess on the carpet by his closet.
Master Hand decided grates to prevent clothes from combusting was a good idea, because they were cheaper than switching from natural gas to propane, and no one died yet. 'Yet' being the keyword. After two more days, the electric bill arrived (for everything was very quick and efficient in Nintendo Land), and Master Hand got rid of the heaters, called the propane company, and switched their gas to propane so he would save up to a hundred dollars every two weeks. He also rigged the thermostats so they would never go above sixty-four degrees, just warm enough so the pipes wouldn't freeze.
The eve of Marth and Roy's wedding came faster than Superman on crack, and before anyone knew it, December twenty-third arrived, leaving Link in a very distraught mess.
"Peach? Zelda? Someone?" he called, panic in his voice as he raced down the stairs, still in pajama bottoms and a green Triforce sleeveless tee. He looked like he had just woken up, and since this was Link, he probably just did wake up.
"Anyone except Marth and Roy?" he added once he saw Marth headed in his direction. Marth was actually headed towards the kitchen, not Link. He opened the kitchen door, saw a plume of sugar and flour burst forth, and quickly closed the door. Wiping sweet white powder from his eyes, he brushed himself off and brushed past Link. He needed another shower now.
Zelda heard Link's pleas for help and came out of the kitchen, hair pulled into a loose bun as flour caked her arms, part of her face, and the front of her apron, wooden spoon in her hand like a weapon. She closed the door behind her so no one could see the warzone inside, leaving a white handprint on the knob.
"What's wrong, Link?"
Link reached the bottom of the stairs and gave her a once over.
"I'm Peach's assistant," Zelda said, explaining her odd appearance.
"Oh," Link said, sounding more like well that explains everything. Which begged for the question, what exactly are you guys doing in there? to be asked.
"What was your problem?" She knew how easily distracted Link could be sometimes, especially when he was in a rush.
"Today's the twenty-third," Link said, stating the obvious as there was a calendar—a huge calendar no less—right outside the kitchen, on the bulletin board.
Zelda snuck a glance at the calendar. "Yes, it is."
"The wedding's tomorrow." It was written on the aforementioned calendar, on December the twenty-fourth, 'Marth and Roy's Wedding'. In capitals, so no one would miss it. It was also neon green, which hurt many a Smashers' eyes if they stared at it for too long.
Zelda sighed as she crossed her arms. "Okay, Captain Obvious, what's the problem?"
Link took a big breath and slowly let it out. "I, uh, kinda need some assistance."
As if that weren't obvious, Zelda thought. "Spill it, Link, I don't have all day."
"I need help with the bachelor parties."
Zelda resisted the urge to go back into the kitchen. Instead, she said, "I don't know anything about bachelor parties, Link. Ask Falcon or Ike or Ganon." Link winced at the last name, but said nothing.
"Or, you know, you could ask the grooms themselves what they want. It's not against the rules or anything. In fact, a lot of grooms-to-be throw their own parties."
Link shook his head. "Oh no, I can't do that."
"Well…why not?"
Link deadpanned. "Because it's a surprise."
Zelda went back into the kitchen, mumbling something about, "Oh, I think I heard Peach calling for me, I must go, please excuse me, these cakes don't make themselves you know, I'm not one of the Fairy Godmothers from Sleeping Beauty…" She knew full well what happened when Link tried to throw anything with 'surprise' in the title. The outcome of such an adventure was never good.
Link flailed like a Magikarp for a second or two after she left him. He did a perfect impression of one, in fact, though no one was around to witness it. Then the proverbial lightbulb went off over his head.
"I bet Ike'll know."
He cut through the kitchen, dodging flour clouds and Pikachu, who got caught in the whole thing accidentally on his way for some ketchup, and scaled the fence that separated The Manse's yard from The Parthenon's. Never mind the fact that there was a giant hole in the fence large enough for him to fit through. Link always had to make things complicated.
-x-
The Parthenon was nearly empty of any activity—most of the inhabitants were either training or sleeping in their beds still. Except for Lucas, who was asleep on the couch with the television remote still clutched in his hand. Link referenced the map on the bulletin board and used the not-so-secret entrance to the training grounds. He hid behind a tree Mission Impossible-style and watched the lone occupant of today's grounds. Ike, sword held high above his head, jumped from the platform he was on, twirled in the air, and came down hard on the poor wireframe, since there could only be one Sandbag and The Manse had a contractual deal with him.
Link jumped out from behind the tree and shrieked when the wireframe hid behind him.
"You can run, but you can't—Link?"
"You know, I didn't know you could make my name a verb," Link said as Ike stopped in front of him. The wireframe, whose name was Fred, breathed a sigh of relief. Ike turned the radio off and the battle theme medley from Golden Sun stopped midway.
"Tabuu said it provided atmosphere to the stages," Ike said when he saw Link's blank stare.
"Yeah, but when I train, I listen to the radio and not the music MH uses for the battle stages."
"I assume you're here for a reason other than to interrupt my daily training session."
So Link told him the reason why he was here, complete with a lot of hand gestures.
"So you want me to help with your bachelor party surprise thing?" Ike said, wanting to get the gist of Link's story straight. He stuck Ragnell in the dirt of the training facility and leaned on the hilt, really facing Link for the first time since, well, the poor Hero of Time found out that Ike was now with another guy. Since Link didn't hold a grudge against anyone unless their name was Ganondorf or any abbreviation thereof, he didn't care what was going on with Ike's personal life. He just wished Ike had told him directly instead of in a stupid note left on his nightstand.
"Basically yeah, that's what I asked you."
Ike raked a hand through his sweat-soaked hair. "I don't know the first thing about bachelor parties, Link. Hell, I don't even know if Tellius has them." He saw Link's expression fall and he smiled. "But don't worry, I'll help as best as I can."
Link's face brightened. "Thank you so much, Ike!" He embraced his fellow swordsman and then added, "Tell Pit and Red that I'm recruiting them too. We're not going at this alone here."
Link bounced off to The Manse, where he had to get all his supplies in order and make a list of things he didn't have, but needed. Ike watched him go, shook his head, and headed for inside to tell the 'recruits' what was going on.
"What about me?" Fred the wireframe asked. He received no answer.
"Now I know how Sandbag feels."
-x-
It was flurrying outside as two men carried a bunch of lumber into the yard. A stereo blasting rock music in a not recognisable language was also brought in by the head worker's son, less for dramatic effect and more because music made the time go faster. Roy and Marth were wearing fur-lined cloaks, snow sticking to their hair as they 'supervised' and envisioned what their wedding would look like exactly. Young Link threw a snowball at a tree in the neighbour's yard for lack of anything better to do with his time.
"So the colour scheme is blue you said?" Roy asked, going over the list of things for the wedding, things they should have probably gone over months ago. He and Marth were supervising the building of the gazebo in The Manse's yard, right by the rose bushes (which were fake because Master Hand said real roses were too expensive). Underneath a tree sitting on one of the picnic table benches was Nana, threading together a 'vine' of Altean Lilies Roy special ordered (because they were Marth's favourite flower).
"Yes," Marth replied, pulling his cloak tighter around his neck and shoulders.
"And the wedding march is… …Enya?"
Both Marth and Roy peered closer at the list.
"Who picked that?" Marth asked, knowing that Roy wouldn't have picked such a thing. He didn't even know who Enya was. "I thought we agreed to Canon in D minor?"
"I thought we transposed it to A minor though."
"No, I'm pretty sure we agreed to D minor."
And then it dawned on them.
"Link," they both said at the same time. This was the last time Roy was putting Link in charge of music. Then again he said that every time he put Link in charge of music.
Somewhere inside The Manse, where Link, Ike, Pit, Red, and Pikachu were discussing the bachelor party plans, Link sneezed.
"If you're getting a cold…" Ike warned, "I won't sleep with you ever again."
"Oh, that's okay," Link said. "You don't sleep with me anyway. You sleep with some girl named—"
"Okay, let's clear the air here, all right? When I went back to Crimea and spent time with my mercenary group and attended my sister's wedding, I got a little drunk, said something I shouldn't have, and ended up waking up with someone I thought was a girl."
"So then who was it?" Red asked. He was interested in this sort of thing.
"It was my tactician." Ike said it as if everyone knew who his tactician was.
"But that's not what you said in your note!" Link cried.
"What note?" Ike didn't remember leaving a note.
"The note you left on my nightstand."
"I didn't leave you a note on your nightstand. I left it on your other pillow. It said, 'Link, I'm going to be gone for a few days, don't think I disappeared off the face of the planet. Love you, Ike.'"
"But it wasn't written in English! You wrote it in Crimean, and when I took it to Zelda—who knows like, every single language ever—she said you were leaving me for a girl!"
Ike felt like banging his head into the brick wall.
"In any case," Red said, "Ike left a note, you had it mistranslated, can you two just kiss and make up so we can talk about what we came here for?"
Ike snorted. "I'm not kissing him in front of you. You'll just take pictures and write home to your mom saying, 'Dear Mom, Let me show you the insanity I have to deal with every day. Enclosed are pictures. Love, Red.'"
Red blinked thrice in succession. "I don't do that! That's Lucas who does that. I just write to my mom about the insanity, not take pictures."
"We'll turn around if that makes you feel more secure," Pit said.
Ike sighed, shook his head, and gave Link an innocent peck on the mouth.
"Okay, now for the bachelor party, I suggest we…"
-x-
"…Heavy snowfall is to be expected tonight through the day after Gift-giving Day," said the meteorologist on the television covered with cake mix, frosting, and flour to the point where the image could barely be seen.
"I wonder if that will affect the wedding…" Peach pondered aloud as she flipped through her handy dandy cookbook, passed down through the generations of the Toadstool Royal Family.
"They say it's a good sign if it snows on your wedding," Zelda said, kneading some dough.
Peach sighed. "Well a little good luck omen on the day of their wedding is probably the best thing that could happen. It definitely wasn't snowing on yours and you could have used it."
"Yes," Zelda agreed. "It was storming on mine, which is the worst thing next to it hailing and there being tornadoes."
Peach cracked another egg as Zelda rubbed her stomach, praying she wouldn't give birth in the kitchen. Pichu was making snow angels in the flour on the floor when she sensed something, like a disturbance in the Force. She bounded for the door, slipping through the doggie-door Link installed last summer, and towards the training area, spewing flour everywhere. (Master Hand would not be pleased to see the flour all over the new drapes.)
On the door to the stage selection room was a sign, and scribbled on it in barely legible handwriting was KEP OWT, SEKRIT METING INSYDE. (Link was not known for his awesome English skills and refused to use a dictionary.) Since Pichu was a Pokémon and couldn't read, she ignored it. Instead, she went through the doggie door (which had nothing keeping it closed in case of a fire) and found the 'sekrit meting' Link scrawled on the door sign.
"Pichu!" the pre-evolved form of Pikachu cried, jumping onto Link's lap, causing the Hero of Time to fall backwards off his crate. "Pichu! Pi pi chu!"
"Ness fell down the well again?" Link guessed, not understanding what the frantic Pokémon was trying to say.
"That's the fourth time this week," Ike said. "Someone's been playing too much Sims 2. Everyone knows you can't get your first kiss from a well."
Pichu jumped up and down on Link's lap.
"You know, it's times like these when I wish I was good at Charades," Link lamented.
Pichu bounced from lap to lap until he got to Red. Surely the Pokémon Master himself could understand him.
"Pichu! Pi pi chu! Pichu chu pi!"
Red's eyes widened. "Guys! Pichu said Zelda's going into labour!"
Link fell off his crate once more, this time he didn't get back up.
"Well crap," Ike said, staring at a fainted Link.
"I'm not dragging his butt back into The Manse," Pit said. "Not after last time."
Red grinned sheepishly as Pichu scurried off his lap. "Link's too heavy for me."
Ike let out an aggravated sigh. "Pit, you startled him the last time and Red, what the hell? He's only a hundred and thirty pounds when wet." He gathered Link into his arms as his partners-in-crime went through the now open door.
"Wimps," Ike said before following them through the door.
-x-
"And then we'll have a buffet table set up over here," Roy said, gesturing to the shaded area under the tree, where Nana was still sitting.
"We're eating outside in the snow?" Marth asked, not sure if that was a good idea.
"There isn't anywhere big enough in The Manse."
"What are you talking about? There's a dining room that can seat up to sixty people comfortably. Why have them freeze to death when they can just eat there?" He gave Roy a look. "Unless that's what you're trying to do, kill all of our guests."
Roy sighed. "All right, fine, we'll eat inside. But that means the dining room will have to be completely rearranged."
Marth watched as the construction crew completed the gazebo. It wasn't that hard to put together—it came from Ikea, after all.
"Peach and Zelda can deal with that since they're in charge of the food. We don't want to arrange it in a way that makes it difficult for them."
Suddenly, the snow picked up, giving Young Link more ammunition for his 'game'. The gazebo deliverers high-tailed it out of there, for they were dressed in short sleeved shirts and overalls with paint smears down the front, and this was not an ideal environment for them.
"Marth, we made it a little hard for them anyway because we're using our native cuisine."
Marth sat on one of the boulders surrounding the pond. "You can't mess up Altean cuisine. It's venison, beef, various birds, poultry, rice, fish, and roasted potatoes."
"Yeah, but there's some strange sauces and—"
"It's sesame sauce," Marth interjected. "If I could cook, I would make it myself." The last time Marth tried to cook anything, he almost set the kitchen on fire. Using a microwave, no less. Since then, Peach forbid him from so much as reheating anything.
Roy sighed. There was no use arguing.
"Do you have the seating order all written up?" Marth asked, changing the subject. Talk of food was making him hungry.
Roy ripped the paper off his clipboard. "Right here."
Marth squinted at it; he forgot his reading glasses inside. "Is this the final copy?"
Roy nodded.
"All right then. Young Link!"
Young Link stopped hurling snowballs over the fence and strode over to where Marth and Roy were.
"Yes, my prince?" Young Link said sarcastically.
"King," Marth corrected absent-mindedly, as if people made that mistake often. "Run this over to Ness so he can type up the place cards."
Young Link saluted, took the paper from Marth, and ran back inside, where he was confronted by a scene out of The Young and the Restless. Sidestepping the mess and Zelda on the floor, he slid out into the hallway (Master Hand would not be happy about the flour on the just-cleaned marble flooring), where he took the stairs two at a time to the boys' dormitories.
"Nessie!" Young Link called as he kicked the door open. Ness closed out of a video window and made like he was doing his forgotten English paper.
"Young Link, don't you ever knock?"
Young Link made his way into the room. "For the nth time, Nessie—Kokiri Forest doesn't have—"
"What do you want?"
Young Link handed the yellow legal paper to his friend.
"What, Marth can't do his own errands now? I swear—"
"Nessie, what's up with you?"
Ness placed the paper on his desk and opened up Publisher.
"It's nothing."
Young Link leaned against the desk. "Are you having male PMS?"
"I—what?" He looked at Young Link like he was nuts.
"Anyway," Young Link continued, ignoring the awkward moment they just shared, "Marth can't 'do his own errands' because he's busy making sure no one blows up his wedding and everything goes smoothly. I'm sure if he could've, he would've brought them to you himself."
Young Link left then, leaving Ness alone once more. Ness opened the video window again and nearly had a heart attack from the new Nintendo 3DS. It wasn't even a real video, but a slideshow put up on Youtube that had pictures of a DSi scribbled on in MS Paint.
-x-
Link was rummaging through the pile underneath his bed, looking for one item in particular. Of course, after pulling everything else out, it was the last thing under there, because it was always said that the missing item was always the last place you looked. Link emerged victorious with a battered phone book and flopped down on his bed. Young Link was sitting at the foot of Link's mattress, paying more attention to the mess on the floor than he was to his older self. To think that so much could fit underneath such a small space…
"Do you think bachelor party entertainment would be listed in the yellow pages?" Link asked, opening it to some random page.
"Unless there's some innuendo I'm missing, I don't think you'd find it under 'plumbers'. Besides, we have the Mario Brothers for that."
Link scowled and flipped to the 'B' section. "Bakeries…balloons, ballrooms... Banks… Who knew Nintendo Land had five pages worth of banks? Bars…"
Young Link played with a slinkie that was, miraculously, not tangled and was, in fact, in perfect condition. That could have been because the box it was in was never opened, but Young Link ignored that minor detail and played to his heart's content.
"Don't most bachelor parties begin at a bar and end up somewhere…unsavoury?"
Link's head snapped up from his scoping the 'bars' section of the phone book. "'Unsavoury'? Have you been reading Ness's dictionary again?"
Young Link glared at him. "You know. You'll all be really wasted and you'll end up at…a Hooters or something."
"Hooters is a family restaurant."
"You're missing the point!"
Link went back to the Holy Phone Book according to bluebook.
"Besides, what would we need to go to a bar for? None of us are old enough and we have the mini-bar in the rec room."
Link looked frustrated. "Young Link, last I checked, you weren't planning this affair."
"And last I checked, you enlisted me tohelp you. And I'm helping you by telling you we have a bar."
Link flipped through a few more pages before being bombarded with so many colours, he became dizzy. "Oh my Goddesses!"
Young Link rolled his eyes as he saw what Link was looking at, proving once more the Hero of Time and Resident Ganondorf Slayer had a limited attention span. Or he was easily distracted.
"What, Older Me?"
Link showed a rather elaborate and very colourful advert. "We can get an über bathroom!"
"Link, our bathroom's the size of a shoebox. None of that stuff would fit."
Just as Link was about to protest, Ike walked into the room, sporting a pair of sweats and a muscle shirt. He had obviously just returned from practice.
"So how goes the preparations?" he asked as he leaned against the doorway, casual as all hell.
"Wonderful!" Link said, just as Young Link said, "Terrible."
"Hey!" Link said, realising what Young Link muttered before.
"He's looking at bathroom remodeling adverts instead of things for the party which, by the way, is in less than three hours."
Ike took the phone book away from Link and flipped to the 'E' section.
"You need entertainment at this thing or else it'll be a bore." He scanned a list of entertainers when he turned the page and was confronted by lots of adverts. Adverts with scantily clad women, which were located underneath the 'REGISTER TO VOTE' banner, which may or may not have been a subtle way of saying 'THE CONTENT BELOW IS ONLY FOR PEOPLE OLD ENOUGH TO VOTE'.
Ike grinned widely, freaking both the Hero of Time and the Hero of Twilight out considerably.
Ike had an idea. He picked up Link's cell phone and punched in one of the advertised numbers.
"Hello, Angel Kitten Magic Service? Yeah, I was interested in borrowing Kitten number four hundred seventy two. How much would that cost?"
-x-
"Now are you sure this is gonna work?" Link asked as Ike wheeled in a giant box. Said giant box got a handful of stares from bystanders in The Manse and an all-knowing look from Captain Falcon. He kicked the door closed and left it in the middle of the foyer.
"I wouldn't have done it if I wasn't sure," Ike replied. "Besides, they said you can eat it, too."
Images conjured in Link's head caused his stomach to churn. "Eat what?"
"The cake, stupid."
Link still lacked confidence in Ike's plan. "All right, but if Marth and or Roy kill me, it's all your fault and my soul will haunt you for the rest of your life."
"Relax. Now help me get this thing off the cart so we can wrap it."
-x-
"Wait, Roy, that's—"
Crash. There went the five dollar vase Master Hand bought at a flea market last week and added three more zeroes to the price. Roy touched the doorway—at least he thought it was a doorway—and flailed about some more.
"Whose idea was it to blindfold us?" Roy asked as Ike grabbed his flailing limbs and guided him into the designated party area.
There was a pause then before another crash. Link fell down the stairs trying to guide the equally blind King of Altea down the stairs. Ike sighed and Roy stopped in his tracks.
"That better not have been Marth."
Ike grimaced as he watched Link try to regain his balance. "I can assure you it wasn't Marth."
Ike led Roy over to the floral blue couch tucked away into the corner of the room. Roy nearly fell down when the backs of his legs banged into the front of said couch.
"Sit down," Ike said as Link guided Marth to his marked seat in the recreational room.
"Why?" questioned Roy, who hesitated in sitting for fear of what might lurk underneath the couch cushion. And since Link was in charge of this whole operation, there was a reason to worry a little.
"Because you'll end up sitting anyway when you open your gift," Young Link said from the other room, as he finished putting the final touches on the surprise he, Link, Ike, and Red chipped in on. (Pit wanted nothing to do with this stunt and proved his point by locking himself in his room.)
"You know, I thought a bachelor party was much more…exciting," Red said as he stared at his punch. Pikachu lapped at a bottle of ketchup. So long as the condiment made from tomatoes was there, Pikachu couldn't care less if the party sucked.
"Yeah," Popo said. "Where's the party part?"
"Where's Ness?" Lucas asked from his seat by the aquarium.
"Finishing his 'masterpiece' he calls an English paper," Young Link said.
"What a party pooper," Popo muttered, before sipping at punch that was probably spiked with something.
"All I remember from my first bachelor party was that there was a lot of alcohol," Marth stated. "A little too much."
"There's never too much!" Link said, cracking open a Cold One himself.
"Case in point," Roy retorted.
Young Link wheeled in a package wrapped in a blinding shade of blue paper emblazoned with IT'S A BOY all over it. On top was a note on computer printer paper that said, "Sry we got the rong paypur, Marthy, - Link."
"Okay guys," Link said, sitting on the arm of the couch. "Take off your blindfolds and open your eyes!" He sounded like Niecy Nash from Clean House.
As soon as they did and saw the note on top of their present, Marth raised an eyebrow (whether at Link's bad spelling or the wrapping paper, no one was quite sure) and Roy just stared at it.
"Link, we're getting married tomorrow, not giving birth."
"If you're gonna blame someone, Roy, blame Ike. He got the wrong wrapping paper because he didn't even look at it."
Ike shrugged; it wasn't even that big of a deal. "They had it on clearance at QCA and I had a dollar left over from our present. The 'HAPPY BACHELOR PARTY!' paper was ten dollars for like, half a roll."
"Just open it already," Young Link said. "This party sucks anyway; we don't need you bringing the mood down further."
Roy decided he would be the brave one and undid the garish red ribbon; he combined his efforts with Marth's to unwrap the whole thing. It was a box that said on the side "UNASSUMING CAKE BOX"; Marth and Roy looked at each other.
"Oh Gods, you wrapped Snake up in his box."
"Close," Link said. "It's better than Snake." Little did Link realize that anything was better than Snake popping out of a box.
"Samus?" Popo asked, his voice hopeful.
"No cigar for you."
"He's not even old enough to smoke yet," Red said, not getting the joke.
Marth cautiously opened a small portion of the lid so he could peer in. Upon seeing the contents, he flushed a shade darker than his fiancé's hair, and pushed the lid down again.
"What is it?" Roy asked. Marth felt all eyes on him; he wanted to run away as fast as possible, which wouldn't be that difficult for him. Ike used Link's shoulder as an arm rest as they both tried not to crack up.
"It's… …Go see for yourself."
Roy, being more adventurous than Marth, opened the box all the way and nearly had a heart attack.
"There's a woman in this box!" ("What were you expecting, Roy? A man?" Ike muttered in response.)
"And she has like no clothes on!" Popo cried, unsure if this was a good thing or a bad thing.
"She's wearing a thong!" Lucas said, covering his eyes. Back in his homeland, people who wore thongs were not to be trusted.
"She's covered in cake frosting!" Red shouted, spilling his punch all over his freshly laundered pants.
"Well now we know who likes girls in this place," Young Link muttered, and Link snorted.
"Why is there a random woman with very little clothing on and covered in cake frosting in this box?" Roy asked as Marth shielded himself using the box's lid. Marth was taught he wasn't supposed to see any woman who wasn't his wife naked, or almost naked. Roy used his arm as a shield instead.
"She's not a random woman, she's an escort," Link said. "And she'll do whatever you want for the next two hours since that's all we could afford."
The escort, whose name was Jezebella, finally came out of the box and looked around. She brushed bits of cake off herself, which Pikachu abandoned his ketchup for. He liked cake, especially chocolate.
"Why do they look afraid?" she asked, gesturing to everyone except Ike, Link, and Young Link.
"It's okay, they've never seen a scantily clad woman before," Ike said. His experience as a mercenary came in handy at times like these.
"I mean at least her important places are covered," Link said. "She's not like the Great Fairies in Hyrule." The Great Fairies scarred Link for life to the point where water fountains even freaked him out.
Marth excused himself, using the box lid to avoid looking at anyone or anything, including the broken five dollar vase Roy knocked over. Roy, who was used to scantily dressed women (and at times men), wasn't as embarrassed, just surprised. And not in a good way.
"At least she didn't pop out of a cake," he said. "I think you'd ruin dessert for Marth for the next three decades."
"Well, she kinda did," Popo said, pointing out the cake in the box, the frosting on Jezebella's bosoms, and the bits of cake on the floor Pikachu was currently eating. Roy ignored him.
"What a prude," Red said, who wasn't bothered in the least by Jezebella's presence.
"I'm not a prude!" Marth shouted from the kitchen. He used the box lid like a Frisbee and beamed Red upside the head with it. Or he tried to at least. He ended up smacking poor Lucas instead, who took that moment to run out of the room. Cake covered women in his homeland were usually aliens in disguise.
"I was just brought up with morals regarding women!"
Jezebella sat down on Young Link's lap and toyed with his hair. Link's jaw clenched.
"He's fifteen; he's too young for you!"
Jezebella purred. "I like my men young."
Young Link smirked and made a thumbs up sign, which only infuriated Link further.
"Hello? Link? Studly Crimean Mercenary™ right here." He sidled up to the Hero of Time, who was busy trying to kill his younger self with his (non-existent) mind powers.
"I have a big sword! She's named Ragnell and I can impale people with just one thrust—"
"That's lovely, Ike, but I really don't need to know about your big sword," Roy said, standing. "I'm gonna go and find Marth and hope he isn't dying."
Roy left the recreational room and headed towards the kitchen; Lucas found his way to the infirmary; Red took Pikachu and Popo and headed outside to stargaze; and Link tried really hard to not kill his younger half.
"Link, are you jealous of the fact that your past self—or whatever he is to you—is about to score with a girl and you never did?"
Link slowly turned to face Ike, expression confused.
"What are you talking about? Zelda and I—"
It was then that Link came to a sudden realization.
"What?" Ike asked, wanting to know what Link's epiphany was about.
Link's face went from confused to horrified.
"Oh sweet Farore, Zelda's kid isn't Ganondorf's!"
Young Link took that as his cue to leave (with Jezebella) and go back to his room. Link was on the verge of tears as Ike tried to console him in his Study Crimean Arms™.
"I'm too young to be a father!"
Zelda poked her head into the recreational room, now flour free. "Is my soap opera on?"
Link started crying. "Oh Goddesses, I've completely screwed up my life!"
"No," Ike answered. "It's just Link."
"What's his problem now?"
"I've no chance for college now—or rather, I have to actually go now—and I have to get a real job and—" Link was barely coherent by this point.
Zelda looked to Ike for an explanation.
"He found out that your kid isn't Ganondorf's, but his."
Zelda shrugged. "I knew that already—why is he freaking out over it?"
"Because he didn't."
They both stared at Link, who was now a sobbing wreck.
"I'm a homewrecker!" he said in between sobs. "And not only that, but I'm a slut!"
"Shush, Link, you're not a slut," Ike said, smoothing Link's hair, as he led him to the couch proper. There they sat, Ike's arms tight around Link's shoulders. Zelda sat on Link's other side, hand on his.
"That's what you think! Not only did I do it with Zelda and you, but there was this one time at band camp..."
Ike made shushing noises now as Link burst into renewed sobs.
"I was also the reason why Marth and Roy broke up the first time! I'm a homewrecking slut!"
Meanwhile, in the kitchen, which was still coated in flour and frosting, Marth and Roy were checking on the wedding cake's status when they heard Link's confession.
"Is Link drunk again?" Roy asked as he went to lick frosting from the cake. Peach batted his hand away.
"After this disaster of a bachelor party?" Marth said. "I wouldn't be surprised."
Roy drew circles in Marth's arm with his fingertip as he leaned back against the counter. "Well, there is one way to make it better…"
"That would be what?"
Roy grinned, his eyes half-lidded as he moved inches from Marth's face. "Oh, you know…"
They kissed briefly, Roy's arms finding themselves around Marth's neck as Marth's arms wound around Roy's waist. They obviously forgot Peach was still in the room, too lost in frosting the cake to really notice anything taking place anyway. She hummed a little tune to herself and considered turning the radio on, but decided it would be too distracting.
"See, I have this paper for my AP English class and it's due the day after our wedding and… You know, since we're gonna be busy on our wedding night, I should do it tonight, but I have this problem…"
Marth almost dropped Roy to the kitchen floor.
"I was wondering if you could help me write it since it's like, my entire English grade."
Of all the things Roy could have said, this was not one of the ones Marth was expecting to hear. Roy pressed one sugar-coated finger to Marth's lips before he could protest.
"If you help me out, I'll let you be on top tonight." Roy kissed Marth again, making sure the sugar was off. He licked his lips just to make sure.
Marth sighed. "Fine. Just this once, though." Another kiss, this one deeper than the previous ones. Marth almost sent Roy back onto the kitchen table, the only clean spot in the entire kitchen.
"As much as I'd love to have sex on the kitchen table, Marth, we've got Peach in here still."
Marth backed off and hoped Peach hadn't seen anything.
They walked out of the kitchen hand in hand and went up the stairs to the boys' dormitories, ignoring a still sobbing Link and Ike trying to calm him down, Zelda looking beside herself all the while.
Roy decided once they were secure in their room that his English paper could wait.