Melee Academy of Higher Learning for Boys
Year Four – The Final Year
-Six-
It was gently snowing out, big fluffy snowflakes sticking to anything and everything, including the carpeting in the main hallway, where snow had been dragged in from people coming into The Manse. For once, The Manse was still, like the house in The Night Before Christmas, where nobody stirred, not even a mouse. Except Pikachu, who snored and kicked in his sleep.
In the best man's room, Link rolled over onto his side and examined the alarm clock between his and Young Link's beds. He had to reach for it because he couldn't see it—it was on the floor since they lacked a table—and groaned when he saw it was only four in the morning. He rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling and realized something, aside from the fact that there was a mysterious stain on one of the ceiling tiles.
He wasn't alone.
At first, one would have said, Well no duh, Young Link is in the room with him. But Link wasn't talking about his roommate.
There was someone on his bed. And though their room was small, they still had room enough for two twin beds, which were currently occupied by Young Link and himself. That and Young Link would rather sleep on the floor than share a bed with his older self.
Grabbing the Master Sword, which he always hid under his mattress in the event The Manse ever got robbed, he sat up and quickly pulled the sheets back. He pulled the sword loose from the sheath, which clattered noisily to the floor and examined what lay on the bed. On his bed was a man with spiky blue hair, shirtless and wearing plain white boxer shorts. Link sighed, disappointed, yet relieved. He was hoping he could use his sword for Great Justice and impress someone (namely Zelda) with his skills. Oh well, maybe tomorrow.
It was only Ike, no need to worry. (He almost thought it was Marth, but what reason would Marth have to be sleeping with him anyway? Unless, of course, the Altean was drunk and somehow got him and Roy confused.)
And then, as his eyes adjusted to the darkness of his room, he realized the escort from last night was still sleeping on Young Link's bed, both of their clothes on the floor.
The Manse went from pitch dark to bright with fluorescent lights when they heard Link yelling obscenities in Hylian. He had woken up everyone except for the heaviest sleepers, who just happened to be in Link's room, number 16-B. The escorts in Nintendo Land couldn't see in the dark, which made it easier to sneak up on them.
Ike simply rolled over, hogged all the blankets, and ignored the calamity going on three feet away from him. Young Link awoke only because Link started yelling, "You stole Young Link's virginity!" over and over. Jezebella ran out of the room, clothes in hand and Young Link's sheet wrapped around herself. She tripped over the runner in the hallway and fell right through Captain Falcon's door.
"Is it morning all ready?" he asked groggily, sitting up in bed, hair this way and that. Jezebella stood up, looked at Captain Falcon, and shrieked something about the weirdos living in this place before bolting once more.
Young Link, uncovered now, shielded himself with his pillow and said, "Shut up, Link! She didn't steal anything, except my sheets. I lost my virginity to Saria."
Link didn't know what to say to that. Neither did Ike, who was finally awake. Young Link flushed when he realized he and his older self weren't alone.
"Oh it's nothing I haven't seen before," Ike said, gesturing to Link with a jerk of his head. It was Link's turn to blush.
"How'd you manage that without Mido knowing?" Link asked, ignoring what Ike had said.
Young Link shrugged. "I tied him to the fence by the Hidden Vale so he could not only hear us and do nothing about it, but also so he'd be tortured by that kid who always humped that rock. Then I went on my adventure, was stuck in the Temple of Time for seven years, and you know the rest."
Link sheathed his sword and stuck it back under his mattress next to his Swords, Swords, Swords! magazine collection. Ike stifled a yawn and realized there were no blinds on the windows.
Well that's not normal. What are they, exhibitionalists? And then Ike remembered that Young Link was covering himself with a pillow and knew that couldn't be the case.
"I just hope that Saria didn't just look like a prepubescent girl because otherwise that would, uh, suck."
Ike snorted. "You were eight. Eight year olds can't ejaculate."
Link, who was mentally an eight year old at the worst times possible sometimes, guffawed at the word 'ejaculate'. Young Link and Ike simultaneously rolled their eyes.
And then Link made another realization.
"That means that I lost my virginity to Saria too!"
Young Link's palm met his forehead and Ike rolled his eyes once more.
"Where the heck have I been all this time to not know these things?"
"Well," Young Link said as he grabbed Link's hat to use as a cover now, "we're technically the same person and technically not the same person. So I ended up different and—"
"But you still started out as one cohesive unit," Ike said, adding in his two cents.
"I'm so confused!" Link cried.
No worries, Link, you weren't the only one confused. People are still trying to figure out the timeline for Zelda after all.
"Well, the whole traveling through time could have scrambled your memories a little bit," Ike reasoned. "You're the one who did all the 'going to the future' stuff; Young Link's always been…Young Link."
"But why would I even go after Saria?" Link turned to Young Link, wanting answers. "Saria was like a mother to me and Mido was like the annoying uncle who comes every Creation Holiday, eats all your food, and burps in your face."
Young Link crossed his arms. "Goddesses, Link, you honestly have no friggin clue sometimes. This wasn't the first girl I was with and Saria wasn't the last."
The heat came on, clanking away in the pipes as they warmed up to a temperature that wasn't in the negatives, masking what Link said next. Young Link's mouth fell open and Ike looked alarmed.
-x-
Ah, sunrise. For those who were able to witness it, it was a thing of beauty. The sky was streaked all sorts of colours that slowly faded into the blue of the morning sky. It wasn't snowing now, but there was that coldness in the air that suggested it wouldn't be too long before more fell. In the distance was the sound of a snow plow clearing the streets (and probably doing a shoddy job of it, for this was Nintendo Land after all). People were turning off their Christmas lights, saving them for later at night, when people would actually notice they were on. Someone's car alarm went off, probably hit with a stray snowball or five.
"Secret Santa?" Samus read on the bulletin board while tying her hair back. "There's a wedding today––when are we supposed to have time to go get gifts when we have to prepare for that?"
Peach came down the stairs, Zelda trailing behind her.
"When you have a spare moment, check your mailbox. You have your Secret Santa in there. And when you're not busy, you go out to the Mall and buy something. It's not that hard."
Samus, who was not good at micromanaging her activities, scoffed and headed towards the dining room.
"Whatever you say, Peach."
"Oh, and Samus?" Peach reached the bottom of the stairs and seemed to glide across the floor towards the bounty hunter. Samus stopped in her tracks.
"Would you mind helping Donkey Kong, Mario, and Luigi rearrange the furniture in the dining room for the reception? Douglas has something else to do and there's no one I can really ask who is…strong enough."
Samus sighed. "Why not?"
Peach bowed slightly. "Thank you, Samus!"
The early hours of the morning were spent cleaning the place from top to bottom, starting with the kitchen. Peach, dressed in a pink t-shirt and Luigi's overalls (Mario's didn't fit), was armed with a huge bucket, a sponge used to wash a car, and lots of sudsy soap. Her hair was pulled up into a high ponytail, and of course she still wore her crown. (Peach not wearing her crown was like Marth not wearing his diadem.) She was prepared to fight the good fight. Zelda was dressed similarly, with her hair pulled into a messy bun. They entered the kitchen and saw the remains of their labours from the previous night.
It was a warzone of epic proportions. Unidentified substances were caked onto the countertops and every available surface. Leftover strawberries were stuck to the bowls via some sort of dried cream. One bowl looked like it had been licked clean except for some stains neither of the princesses were sure they wanted identified. The television was covered in flour and cookie dough, the screen entirely obscured. Flour was still all over the floor, littered with footprints and melting snow.
Both princesses groaned. This would take at least two hours. That was why it was a good thing Link woke them all up in a way.
In the dining room, Samus, Donkey Kong, Falcon, and Mario and Luigi were rearranging the tables and buffet counters (which connected to make a table) to match the design Peach came up with two nights ago because she was bored. In reality, Samus and Donkey Kong did all of the work when it came to lifting things, so Mario and Luigi were delegated to moving the chairs around.
"Step on my foot again, Kong, and they'll be serving you as the main course!" Samus threatened with a glare. The giant tie-wearing ape grunted something that could have meant 'sorry'. Mario and Luigi looked at each other and snuck out as quick as they could.
"Where the hell are you two going?"
Well, they tried to. Samus stood towering over them, her six-feet-three-inch frame making their four-eleven and five-two frames look like ants in comparison.
"Mama-mia!" shouted Luigi, who decided to make a break for it. Samus watched him go and turned her gaze to the older of the Mario Brothers. Mario was beginning to think her gaze might burn holes into his forehead.
"Well?"
"I think I heard Peachie calling for me!" Mario said, blurting out the first thing that came to mind. "…And I…I can't ignore a call from her!" He leaned close to Samus, talking to her knees instead. "Especially if that stubborn kitchen sink is clogged."
Outside, Fox, Falco, Young Link, and Link were given the job of creating a path out in the yard so no one would get stuck in the snow and die, or so Master Hand said. He liked to exaggerate things on a grandiose scale. They were done in five seconds due to Fox and Falco both doing their 'Fire Fox' and 'Fire Bird' moves. Link leaned against his shovel and Young Link threw his over his shoulder, embedding it into the tree, cutting 'LINK HEARTS ZELDA' in two.
"What was the point of getting us out here?" Young Link asked, crossing his arms behind his head.
"So it looked like we were doing something," Link answered.
In reality, it was so Link was out of the way.
"Link! Young Link!"
Instinctively, the two Links turned their heads and saw Zelda's head poking out of the opened window. There was a streak of soap suds on her cheek.
"Yes, Princess?" Link said, using Zelda's title out of habit. Young Link answered more informally.
"Could you both come in here please? Peach and I need help with the kitchen; it's too much for just two people."
Young Link saluted; Link answered, "Sure, we'll be right in."
They took the five minute trek back to The Manse, going through the front door since it was closer than the back. After hanging up their jackets and stowing away their mittens, they went to the kitchen. Both of them stopped dead in their tracks upon encountering the doorway.
"Holy shi––"
Link clamped a hand over Young Link's mouth before he could finish.
"You weren't kidding," Link said.
Peach handed them each a pair of gloves, sponges, and buckets.
"Start cleaning, we don't have all day! If Marth gets flour on his boots, he'll have a fit!"
Young Link and Link looked at each other, each with the same thought.
Since when was Marth that anal retentive?
So where were the lovely grooms anyway? Were they getting prepared to say 'I Do'? Ready to jump out the window from nerves? Doing the Horizontal Tango? Was Roy sighing exasperatedly at Marth cleaning everything in sight? No, they weren't doing any of those things. Roy was asleep at his computer desk, fingers resting on top of the keys, slumped over in his chair. Marth was asleep on his bed cuddling his stuffed pink elephant. Why were they still sleeping?
They had taken it upon themselves to get drunk and screw around before the wedding, like any good about-to-be-married couple.
-x-
The door to Marth and Roy's room slammed against the already dented wall adjacent, and standing in the doorway was a rather dirty looking Link, Zelda and Peach behind him.
"Are you sure it's okay to just…barge in like this?" Zelda questioned. "What if they're…indecent?" She was certain there were laws about that in Hyrule. Link waved her concern away and walked into the room like it was his. The two princesses stayed in the doorway.
"They let me come in whenever I want," Link said, stopping dead in his tracks when he saw the empty bottle of wine on the floor next to the bed. On top of that, Roy was asleep at his computer desk and Marth was sleeping with a stuffed animal.
"Sheesh, what the heck are you, Marth, five?" He checked each of their pulses to make sure they weren't dead; as luck would have it, they were perfectly fine, just knocked out.
"They're fully clothed––at least Roy is––and Marth has sheets covering him anyway." He saw them still standing in the doorway. "Well, come on, you wanted to dress them for their big day. Have at 'em."
Zelda came into the room first and immediately located their closet.
"Let's see if they have anything prepared…"
The closet door opened and inside were school uniforms, hoodies, jackets, and pants. Nothing remotely formal.
"This is worse than I thought."
Link was already by the bed. "Should I poke him awake? Maybe he's hiding all his formal wear because we got him to stop wearing it all the time."
Zelda, who didn't want to disturb the sleeping prince, decided against that idea.
"I'm sure I can find a wardrobe or something."
Sure enough, Zelda came upon a chest of drawers by the door to the bathroom and cautiously opened the first drawer: oh great, underwear. Zelda quickly shut that drawer and opened the next one: t-shirts.
At the rate they were going, this was going to take all day.
"Marthy… Where do you keep all your princely garb?" Link said right in Marth's ear. Marth said something unintelligible.
"You know, it's times like these I wish I paid more attention in Altean class," Link lamented as Zelda searched a few more drawers. "Roy's the only one who can understand Marth and his strangely alluring language."
Zelda pulled out something stuck all the way at the back of the bottom (and biggest) drawer.
"This looks like the undershirt for his tunic," Zelda said. "I think I just struck gold."
Link's face turned angry. "And all this time I thought you hid your money underneath your mattress!"
Peach and Zelda gave Link equally weirded out looks.
"What? They say royals keep their money under their mattresses."
"She meant that we––"
Zelda shook her head at Peach. There was no point in explaining an idiom to Link.
Zelda kept with her search and eventually found Marth's tunic, pants, belt for his tunic, and gauntlets.
"I wonder why he keeps these hidden in the back…"
Peach shrugged, coming into the room finally. "Who cares? Let's get Marth up so we can dress him."
Zelda looked cluelessly at Marth.
"Does anyone know how to wake him up?"
Link cracked his knuckles. "Allow the Linkmeister to show you how it's done." He cleared his throat and made a serious face.
"Marth Cornelius Lowell! You get your Falchion-wielding butt up from those covers now or I will use your tiara as a Frisbee for Pikachu!" ("I didn't know Marth's middle name was Cornelius," Zelda whispered to Peach.)
Marth was suddenly wide awake and Falchion was pointed at Link's throat.
"Link, what the hell are you doing in my room?"
Link was too busy trying to not laugh at Marth's choice in sleepwear, which was to say he didn't have any.
"I brought company this time, Marthy. They're gonna help you dress for your day of epicness." Link smirked. "And from the looks of things, they don't have to help you undress."
Marth raised an eyebrow, wanting to know who the hell Link was talking about. He heard a girl cough and turned to find Zelda and Peach holding his formal clothes in front of their faces.
Marth never felt so embarrassed in his life. He used Link's hat as a means to cover himself.
"Why is everyone using my hat to cover their privates today? Sheesh, use a sheet!"
Link then remembered Falchion was still pointed at his throat and decided to not anger Marth too much. Marth may have been a beautiful man, but he was also very, very deadly.
-x-
"Zelda, that is not how you fasten a man's pants."
Zelda crossed her arms at Peach's disapproving tone.
"I know how to tie pants, Peach. There's nothing wrong with them."
"Unless you want Marth flashing half of the neighbourhood, you shouldn't just rely on magic to keep them up."
Marth felt like banging his head against a wall.
"I have two hands that are perfectly capable of fastening my own pants, thank you very much."
Zelda shook her head. "You are a king and we are princesses. There is proper protocol that needs––"
"Forget the protocol, Zelda, I can fasten my own pants!"
In Link's room, Link and Ike were helping Roy fasten his armour.
"When was the last time either of you put armour on?" Roy asked after he corrected them both for the fiftieth time.
"Well metal armour is different from cheap leather armour," Ike reasoned. "It fastens differently too."
"Never," Link answered. "I don't need armour to be a badass."
Both Roy and Ike looked at Link when he made that comment. Link fiddled with another clasp.
"Well I don't."
"I don't understand why Zelda's insisting I wear armour anyway," Roy said, pretending the previous conversation did not just happen. "I'm not going off to fight or anything."
"Maybe it's in case some drunken bastard decides to crash your wedding you won't get hurt?" Ike hypothesized. "Or you can fight said drunken bastard without getting stabbed in the heart and dying?"
Ike looked through the window to gaze at the sun for the time and was blinded by its reflection off the neighbour's window.
Link threw his hands up in defeat. "Ike, you figure this out. I'm tired."
Ike watched Link walk out of the room before staring back at the task at hand.
"Wait a minute… Link, you bastard! You're not leaving me to figure this out by myself!"
"I have better things to concern myself with," Link said, his voice coming from the direction of Roy and Marth's room.
"And what would those be?"
"I have nothing to wear, and Zelda and Peach are arguing over how to dress Marth and someone has to make sure he doesn't kill them both."
Roy and Ike stared at each other.
"Why are they dressing him anyway?" Roy asked. "He's perfectly capable of doing it himself."
Ike clapped Roy on the back. "Roy, have you taken a good look around here? You live with weirdoes."
Roy scoffed. "If I live with weirdoes, who the hell do you live with?"
Ike did not answer him.
-x-
The halls were decked in silver and blue streamers with matching balloons. Since Ike hadn't bought said balloons, they were plain with no patterns or anything like 'IT'S A BOY' emblazoned on it. Instead Peach had used permanent marker to write 'CONGRATS MARTH AND ROY' on them instead.
Roy sighed as he waited in the kitchen, which was also decked out with silver and blue. This was it, the moment of truth. His heart felt like it was going to jump out of his chest and into his throat and his stomach was doing somersaults and aerials. Beyond this door and down the runner covered in fresh-fallen snow was a gazebo housing Marth and the rent-a-clergyman they picked the day before. Metal folding chairs bordered the runner, the backs of the 'important' people covered with Altean lilies wrapped with blue and silver ribbons. Nana beamed at her handiwork.
"Don't worry about a thing," Ike said before everyone took their places.
"Ike! Your headband…" Peach said as she passed on through. "You too, Link. Get rid of the bandanna."
Ike slipped off his headband and Link did as he was told. Ike used his as a makeshift tie; Link shoved his in his pocket.
"We've got everything set," Ike continued. "Just give us the signal when you're ready."
"And don't worry about this one," Young Link said as he gestured to his older self. "We've got him on a very short leash."
Roy smiled, but it had no effect on the nervousness he felt.
"Psst, Roy," whispered someone through a crack in the door, "are you ready?" The laurel wreath adorning the person's head gave him away as Pit.
Roy nodded. It was now or never, and he didn't like the sound of never very much. Ike opened the door and made sure Roy was still hidden from view. Beethoven's Ode to Joy was still playing softly as Link searched for the appropriate CD.
"If you fuck this up," Ike whispered to Link, "Marth will have your balls on a platter."
"I know, I know," Link answered, triple-checking the track listing. "If you keep talking, I'm gonna press the wrong button, and then Marth will have your balls on a platter."
"If you both screw this up," Young Link butted in, "Marth will have your heads mounted over his fireplace and will talk of the hunt with his buddies while sipping Earl Grey tea."
Young Link was such a lovely ray of sunshine sometimes.
Link pressed a button and the music Roy demanded Link play instead of Enya filtered through the speakers of the small, yet powerful, boombox stereo on a table next to him. Everyone seated turned around, hoping to catch a glimpse of the blushing groom (and Roy wasn't actually blushing, his cheeks were red from the sudden onslaught of wind). Marth heard the violins in the instrumental version of Meadows of Heaven play and turned his attention to the back door of The Manse.
Roy found himself unable to move, which was not a good sign.
"Go, Roy," Ike said, nudging him in the side. "It's your cue."
But Roy couldn't make his legs move.
"I think I'm stuck," Roy said, cape blowing dramatically in the wind. Link blew past Ike and Roy into the kitchen, earning a confused look from his boyfriend and he gave no explanation. There wasn't enough time to explain anyway.
"Oh gods, he's getting cold feet," Young Link said to no one in particular. The audience began whispering and Marth was getting concerned.
Link came out of the kitchen with a bucket of hot water and splashed it on Roy's boots, which had literally frozen to the snow covered ground. Ike gave Roy a push and Roy nearly slid down the aisle. He was able to regain his balance before anyone noticed and walked the hundred or so yards to the gazebo, where Marth was getting just a tad impatient at having to wait.
Ike caught the subtlest of movements from Roy and he spoke quietly into a radio. The interesting looking rose bush ambled its way over to the doors of the gazebo and with the flick of a lever they closed, blocking the couple from anyone's view.
"What the hell, Roy?" Marth whispered. "Why did the doors close?"
Roy took Marth's hand in his and smiled. "Because you said you always wanted a more intimate wedding, so I'm making your wish come true."
Both of them turned towards the rent-a-clergyman, who said a few words before asking for the rings to be exchanged. Roy thanked Elimine for that fact that royal weddings lasted all of fifteen minutes, most of that taken up by the priest talking.
Roy searched his pockets for Marth's ring and found it before panic set in. He couldn't get his hands to stop shaking as he gently pushed the platinum band onto Marth's finger. Marth had no problems finding the ring and his hands didn't shake, but he missed Roy's finger twice before the ring found its way onto its rightful digit.
The priest said a few things more about how love was sacred and true love was unbreakable––Roy wasn't really paying attention.
"Your Majesty, you may kiss His Grace."
They both inwardly cringed at their titles and Marth pulled Roy in for the most passionate kiss either of them had ever experienced. Just then it started to snow, or at least they thought it did—Ike and Link were busy throwing shovelfuls of snow over the gazebo to give a more romantic atmosphere.
Young Link said something into Ike's radio and the sentient rose shrub opened the doors so everyone could see the beautiful ending. Peach dabbed at her eyes with the corner of Mario's handkerchief so as to not smudge her make-up; Zelda cried into a tissue and instead of kissing her husband, she kissed Young Link, who had sat down next to her after Roy had processed down the aisle; and Ike nearly made Link pass out when he asked him a simple question after almost pelting him with snow.
"Hey, Link, wanna get hitched?"
The shovel fell from Link's hands and he nearly cried. Instead his eyes got all watery and he looked radiant.
"Do you mean it, Ike?"
Ike pulled Link close and pulled out a ring. Link could not believe this was real.
"I do," Ike whispered, a smile on his face. Link squealed and Ike slid the ring on before he spun the Hero of Time around and kissed him with everything he had.
"Get a room!" Young Link shouted at Marth and Roy before his mouth was occupied by Zelda's once more. Roy responded by closing the doors of the gazebo, which was a good thing because shortly thereafter Marth pushed him against one of the walls, leaving Roy flushed and breathless and most importantly of all, his.