Author's Note: This was more done than I'd realized. Sometimes I do a full draft of a scene, walk away from it when something shiny catches my attention and then I'm all surprised when I go back again. Yes, easily tricked by my own handiwork :)

This picks up a few hours after the last chapter. Still at Hotch's apartment, and still using prompts for tone and title. And I'm so pleased I'm on a little roll using the Story Title Forum. If you've used the TV Titles but haven't checked out Story Titles yet, please do so. There are probably about 50 or so prompts in there now.

Story Title Prompt Set #3

Author: Joyce Carol Oats

Title Challenge: Because It Is Bitter, And Because It Is My Heart

Hotch looked down at Emily curled up in a ball on the end of his bed. His expression softened as he brushed her hair back from her cheek . . . she was fast asleep.

By the time they'd cleaned up her face and finished talking it had been well after midnight, too late for Hotch to feel comfortable letting her drive home. So though the plan had been for her to sleep over, the plan wasn't for her to collapse unconscious on top of his covers. All the more reason he was grateful for insisting she stay over.

She could have fallen asleep while driving.

Ten minutes ago she'd left him to go change into a pair of his pajamas, and given the oversized Harvard t-shirt she was wearing and the pair of grey sweatpants dangling off one foot, it was clear that she'd passed out before she'd finished. So now she was lying half naked on the foot of his bed with a trickle of drool running onto his comforter.

A sad smile touched his lips as he looked down at her lying there. She was so vulnerable and trusting of him . . . this was his Emily. This was his best friend. And this was why he could never stay angry with her, never cut her out of his life.

He couldn't imagine going back to navigating his turns around the planet without her presence and counsel. She was just too important to him. Too important to Jack.

Too . . . he rubbed his hand across his mouth . . . well, he didn't know what the other word was.

But whatever it was, it was why he loved her.

A soft sigh passed his lips as he stooped down to pick up her clothes from where she'd dropped them on the floor. . . and if only she was the one that he was IN love with then his life would be so much easier.

Or at least it seemed that way.

But he knew from experience that love was always messy, always hard . . . always painful. His eyes fell shut for a moment as he thought back on his final months with Haley . . . and sometimes that pain just wasn't worth it.

Because sometimes as much as you struggle, and as hard as you try . . . you just can't make love work.

As soon as those words came to him, Hotch realized just how bitter that sounded . . . and he winced.

Maybe that wasn't really the way it was. Maybe that was just his life . . . his experiences. Perhaps there were actually people out there living easy, content lives where everyone found their soul mate and nobody fought and everything was wonderful.

Perhaps he was the anomaly.

Hotch's eyes drifted back over to the woman sprawled across his bed . . . perhaps.

After all, Emily . . . a wonderful woman who had been a bum magnet since long before he'd met her . . . finally seemed to have found the perfect guy that Hotch had always known that she deserved.

Perhaps Rick wasn't perfect really . . . but he was perfect for her. And he was good to her, and they were happy together. It had only been five months but Hotch knew that things were getting serious.

Next week she was planning on giving him a key.

By Emily standards of commitment that was huge. Hotch himself already had a key but . . . another wave of bitterness lapped against his soul . . . that was different.

He was just . . . the friend.

And though he was trying so hard to be happy for Emily, he couldn't deny that he was also saddened . . . and perhaps if he was honest with himself, a little angry . . . at the reality that he wasn't going to be her number one guy anymore. Somebody else would be looking after her and drying her tears and giving her advice. She wouldn't need him in the same way that she had before. She was moving on and he was still standing still.

Standing still and watching the world go by.

His eyes started to burn . . . but how long could he exist like that? The third wheel . . . his teeth ground together as he started hanging up Emily's clothes . . . the fifth wheel. It didn't matter the numerical combination, the reality was that for twenty years he had been a part of a committed couple . . . and now he was regularly the odd man out. He was alone.

It was a terrible way to live.

It was no way to live.

When they came into his apartment tonight he and Emily had talked about what had happened. About JJ's reaction, about what could come next.

About what . . . if anything . . . he should do.

And though Emily was adamant that he should say something to her now, just put it all out there, as far as Hotch was concerned . . . nothing had changed.

Yes, his closely guarded secret had been blurted out in a fit of anger, but just because JJ was now aware that he had feelings for her, that didn't mean that some magic wand had been waved.

It didn't mean that everything was going to be different.

The woman that he had fallen for was in a long term relationship. She had a child with this man. She was ENGAGED to this man! And as much as it pained Hotch to admit it, this man was a good man. Will deserved her. And if she was happy with him . . . really happy . . . Hotch had no right to burden her with his wants and needs. That would be selfish.

And he loved her too much to be selfish.

So he would wait, wait and see if she wanted to talk to him. And even if she didn't want to talk to him, if he thought that she was now uncomfortable around him . . . if he thought that things had changed for the worse . . . then he knew that he was going to have to approach to her.

He was going to have to pull her aside one night after work and have a horrendously awkward conversation. One where he would possibly have to lie through his teeth and tell her that Emily had told him what had happened, but that she had been mistaken in her words. That he had once mentioned that he loved her as a friend and that Emily had misunderstood.

That there was nothing more to it than that.

It would kill him to do it , to deny his feelings and perhaps lose his one chance, but if that's what he had to do to ensure her happiness, then . . . he sighed as he began stripping off his own clothes . . . that's what would be done.

JJ's happiness was paramount . . . his was incidental.

And that's the way it would always be.

/*/*/*/*/*/

After he'd finished changing, Hotch took the dangling sweatpants off of Emily's foot and folded them back up again.

She could sleep in just the shirt. He'd seen her bare legs before and the world hadn't ended.

Once the bedroom was picked up, he went out and checked the door and the windows again. Sometimes he wondered if his compulsive obsession to check the locks was truly normal given the nature of his work, or if it was simply another byproduct of his fucked up psyche.

Perhaps his musings didn't matter . . . either way the locks still needed to be checked.

With a weary sigh at the mess that was his life, Hotch picked up the two matching cell phones and the two matching revolvers that were sitting on the coffee table. Then he put on the small lamp by the window, and went back down to his bedroom. He placed the phones and guns on the nightstand before moving to the end of the bed, leaning down and gently rubbing Emily's shoulder.

"Emily," he whispered in the semi-darkness, "I need you to wake up for a minute. You're on top of the blankets."

It took a second, but then he saw her eyes pop open and she stared up at him in confusion.

"The blankets," he repeatedly softly as he squeezed her shoulder, "you have to get up."

"Mmm, K," she murmured unintelligibly before wiping the drool off her mouth. Then she took a breath and rolled over, dropping her bare feet to the rug. Once she was standing she saw Hotch move to turn down the blankets. When he was done she immediately climbed back onto his bed again, prepared to go right back to sleep. But then she saw him hesitate for a moment before he reached down and picked up the pillow next to her. Her brow wrinkled as she looked up at him in sleepy confusion.

"What are you doing?" She asked on a yawn as she rubbed her eye.

"Uh," Hotch's gaze shifted away from hers, "I was just thinking that maybe it would be better if we uh, didn't . . ." his eyes snapped back to hers, "well, you're in a real relationship now and I it occurs to me that Rick probably wouldn't appreciate our sleeping arrangements," he tucked the pillow under his arm, "so I'll go back to the couch."

This was just one more thing that he'd known was going to have to change eventually. And it was just one more thing that pissed him off.

But then he saw Emily shake her head dismissively before she reached out and took the pillow from under his arm.

"Don't be ridiculous," she yawned again as she dropped the pillow back on the bed and patted the mattress, "it's not Rick's business who I sleep with."

It took Emily's sleep fogged brain took a second to process her choice of words, but when she did, she rolled her eyes as she flopped back on her own pillow.

"I mean, of course it's his business if I'm having sex with somebody, but my sleeping with YOU is not his business."

Though the relationship with Rick was still relatively new, she did love him . . . but she still loved Hotch more.

Perhaps someday those ratios would change, but even if they did, she wasn't going to push her best friend aside for her boyfriend.

As they say, men come and go, but . . . she gave Hotch a soft smile as he reluctantly climbed into bed next to her . . . the best friend is forever. Just because the best friend was usually female didn't change one smidgen of the truth of that statement.

Especially tonight when her best friend needed her more than her boyfriend did.

And though she knew that Rick wasn't jealous of her relationship with Hotch . . . if he had been he wouldn't have lasted a week . . . and he knew that she still sometimes slept over his apartment, she had never mentioned where she slept. She was sure that he had assumed it was Jack's room, after all that was the logical assumption, but she'd never bothered to clarify that point.

It seemed a needless argument.

It was her life and she would make her own decisions. Rick wasn't her husband or her fiancé, or even a live in partner. He was someone new.

And she already had someone old.

And she liked sleeping with Hotch, and there was nothing sexual in their relationship, so she saw no reason for that to have to change. Especially given that if she was sleeping in his bed then something bad had happened.

Usually something really bad.

A case or a break up or a death. And curling up next to him was a comfort.

To both of them.

With that thought in mind, as soon as he'd pulled up the covers and turned out the light, she reached over and tentatively touched his arm.

"You're sure that you're not still mad at me, right?" she whispered in the dark. "Not even a little bit?"

"No," Hotch laced Emily's fingers through his as he whispered back, "no Emily, I promise that I'm not angry with you, not anymore."

They were both quiet for a moment, Emily lying there listening to his soft breath before she slid over and curled up against his side. And then she pressed her lips to his ear and whispered.

"I promise Aaron, everything will work out."

Emily wouldn't make a promise to him like that unless she was sure that it was one that would be kept. She would never wish any pain on him. But she'd seen the look on JJ's face when she'd told her that Hotch was in love with her. And God knows she'd heard the hatred in JJ's voice when she thought that Emily was the one that was hurting him.

There was no doubt in Emily's mind . . . JJ was as much in love with Hotch as he was with her.

It might have been a bit of a surprise to her tonight when she'd realized it, but that didn't change the fact that Emily knew that it was true. And she wouldn't be stupid, she wouldn't let him slip away.

She just wouldn't.

Hearing Emily's words of support, Hotch didn't feel the comfort that that he knew was intended . . . he just felt panic and despair. What if she was wrong? What if things didn't work out?

What if Emily moved on with Rick, and JJ moved on with Will and he really did end up completely alone? Feeling Emily press her lips to his cheek, Hotch's eyes started to sting . . . what would he do then?

Knowing that he was beginning to grieve losses that hadn't yet occurred, Hotch blinked and took a breath . . . if those things happened then there would be all the time in the world to lie here in the dark and feel sorry for himself.

Right now he still had someone . . . the one woman in his life.

So he slipped his arm around Emily's shoulders, tucking her against his side. Then he whispered against her hair.

"We'll see Em," he pressed a kiss to her temple, "we'll see."

A/N 2: I do love writing this story :) Again, getting to explore different facets of relationships, different types and levels of love and commitment. Balancing the love for old friends against the attachments of new romantic partners. How much of yourself are you expected to change to make the new relationships work? How do you rank these people in your life? Depending on how this all turns out, I might write a follow up addressing those difficulties and the stress they can cause as the new relationships begin to take on a sense of permanence. Clearly if you're in love with somebody and you're trying to build a life together, there is a point where you cross a line where you have to rank that person's feelings first. You can't tell your fiancé or your spouse that it's none of that person's business who you sleep with. Clearly it IS that person's business. So if Emily and Rick got serious, and Hotch got together with JJ, I see potential for additional angst in a second story. I've got plenty of happy stories out there. Angsty love is much more fun to write :)

I know the sequence of how this ends now (I've picked my last two prompts) though it's not yet written. I've found these chapters are pretty easy to pull together though, they have a nice smooth rhythm to them that flows pretty easily. So it'll get wrapped up in October though.

Next update will be Aaron & Emily, and that's in a couple of days.