October '03

Britney's POV

I'm rudely awaken by the sound of a loud boom of thunder coming from outside. I slowly open my eyes and lift my head off of my pillow to look out the window. Its pouring rain outside. I see a flash of lightening and it causes a shooting pain to go through my head. I groan and put my head back onto the pillow as I pull the covers over my head. I'm starting to fall back into a deep sleep when I hear the door to my bedroom open.

"Britney, wake up," Felicia says unenthusiastically. She's stopped caring about her job lately. She used to be so full of life and would love to be around me and help me with every little thing. But now its as if she hates me. Sometimes I feel really guilty and sad about what's happened to us, but that's only when I'm sober. And that's not very often.

She pokes me in my side when I don't answer her, and repeats her half hearted demand again. I somehow find the strength to open my dry mouth and croak out a raspy "no" in response.

"I'm not taking this shit today," she says as she pulls the warm covers away from my body. I hear her laugh when she sees that I'm still in the same clothes from last night. "Get your ass out of this bed and into the living room. Today is important."

"What?" I say as I turn my head to face her. "I don't have anything to do today."

"Oh yes you do," I hear my mom's voice from behind me. I quickly sit up and squint my eyes to get a good look at my mother. I haven't seen her in like a month.

"What are you doing here?" I ask as I grab my pounding head.

"Get up," she says as she crosses her arms. "We need to have a talk."

"Can't I have some coffee first?"

"NO," she says sternly as she turns on her heels and walks out the door.

"This isn't a joke," Felicia says as she grabs my arm to help me out of bed. "You need to get in there."

I give her an agitated grunt and reluctantly make my way to the living room of my New York apartment. I can feel Felicia's hand on my back as she pushes me forward through the hallway. I turn the corner and walk into the living room to see a huge group of people sitting quietly. I see my whole family, including my parents, siblings. Also present are members of my management team. What the fuck is going on?

I laugh bitterly as I scan the faces in the room.

"What is this?" I ask as I cross my arms.

"Britney you better sit your butt on that couch," my dad says as he points to the seat opposite of him. I look at the empty space between Jamie Lynn and my mother.

"How did everyone get here?" I ask in disbelief. "How long has this been planned?"

"Britney. Sit. Down," my father says with venom in his voice. There's no doubt that he's not messing around. I can feel Felicia urge me forward and I reluctantly take the seat between my mother and sister.

"Britney," my dad starts as he clasps his hands across from me. "Your behavior lately is really concerning to us. Especially to me. You're fading fast baby girl. And even though I know you think this is all fun and games now, its only a matter of time before it catches you for good. And I can see in your eyes that you're not that from away from it."

"What are you talking about?" I ask as I furrow my eye brows in confusion.

"Britney, don't play dumb," my brother says. "We all know you have a problem."

"A problem?" I say in disbelief. "A problem with what?"

"With drugs and alcohol," I hear Felicia say.

"What? This is bullshit! What the fuck is this, some kind of intervention?" I hear Jamie Lynn sniffle next to me and I look down to see her crying. "You brought a twelve year old to a drug intervention? What the fuck is wrong with you people?"

"Britney this is serious," my mother says with cold eyes. "Don't you remember what I told you? About staying away from this kind of stuff?"

"I'm just having fun," I say as I get more and more frustrated. "I'm 21, this is what people my age are supposed to do!"

"Really?" I look up as my brother speaks to me. "People your age get drunk every single night? People your age do cocaine every single night? No Britney, they don't! I have yet in the past four months to see you sober, and its killing me. Its killing all of us! But most of all, its killing you."

I can feel my eyes start to water as his words sink in. I know I'm lying to all of them. I don't do it for fun. I do it to erase Justin from my memory every chance I can get. I do it to take away the pain. I know I have a problem but I don't want it taken away from me. Its my escape from the reality of the pain.

I feel Jamie Lynn's hand on my arm and I look down to see a replica of myself. She's so young, so innocent. She shouldn't have to know this kind of darkness as this age. But then again, I saw it at her age with my dad. I immediately feel guilt wash over me as a tear slips from her eye.

"Please Brit," she says as she sniffles. "I want my big sister back."

I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. I'm speechless as I look at my precious little sister and I know that everyone in the room has noticed that she's knocked the wind out of me.

"Britney, your album releases in a month," I hear Larry say as he breaks me from my trance. "And it's your best work yet. You don't want people to overlook it because of what's going on in your personal life, do you?"

I can only manage to shake my head no as a tear escapes my eye.

"The single releases in a week and we've gotta shoot the video asap. Don't you want to give your all for it?"

"Yes…I do," I say as I wipe away a tear.

"Good. So, the question is, are you willing to stop?"

My heart is pounding when he asks me this. I look around the room at all of the pleading eyes. Can I do this? I honestly don't know if I can handle the immense and torturous pain in my heart that I'm going to have to deal with day in and day out. But I have to try. I have to. I close my eyes and nod my head, which causes everybody in the room to let out the breath that they were holding.

"I have a rehab clinic that-"

"No," I interrupt Larry before he can finish. My problem isn't that bad. Or is that just denial? "I don't need that. Its not that bad. I can do this myself."

"Britney," my dad says, "when someone is an addict they need professional help or else they can never get better."

"I'm not an addict," I say in protest. "I can stop easily. And I will. I'm gonna stop. I promise."

*That night

I sit out on my balcony with my mother next to me. We've been sitting in comfortable silence for a couple of minutes now, just enjoying each other's company.

"You're such a strong person, Brit," she says. "You don't need a drug to help you cope with something."

"I know," I say quietly. "You can go home, you know. You don't have to stay with me."

"Oh yes I do," she says as she looks over at me. "I'm here to help you."

She smiles at me and gets up to go inside, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I sigh and lean back in my chair as I hug myself from the chill in the air. I look over to my left and see a stack of magazines that my sister was looking at earlier. I pick up the one on top and scan through the pages, seeing the usual pictures of me coming out of a club drunk with some nasty headline. Whatever.

I flip through the pages and my heart sinks when I see a picture of Justin and Cameron kissing on a beach. Before I even have time to know what's happening tears are pouring down my face. There's a burning sensation in my chest and realize that its my heart breaking. I angrily walk up to the rail and throw the paper over the edge, cursing him as I watch it go down. I know exactly what I need right now, but as I turn around and see my mother inside, I know I can't go down that road. I'm just gonna have to stick it out and be strong.

This is gonna be harder than I thought.