A/N: this chapter was initially a lot shorter but then i rewrote the ending and i like this version better! i realized esmee and bella just had way more to say to each other! I'd also like to thank everyone who put my story on alert so they would be assure of reading it to completion! of course i'd love reviews but seeing how much traffic my story gets also brings me lots of pleasure!
chapter 2:Esmee and I
Two days later, me and Esmee were in her boudoir , her personal space where her creativity sparkled, as she and I were looking through her wedding album, Alice's and Rosalie's numerous editions that were colour-themed depending on what her mood had been like that decade in question,lol...
Rosalie and Emmett were serial wedding-nistas and Alice being a wedding planner junkie didnt help at all...my mom was off with Alice and Rosalie supposedly to see about the flowers or something like that after we had a copious lunch at the Cullens.
Esmee's meals consisted of whatever show was on at the time on the food channel , she liked the '' barefoot contessa'' show and Giada de laurentiis « giada at home » program , she was a fan of her elegant way of cooking up delish' italian dishes , so today we were privy to her rendition of real homemade meatballs and spaghetti.
I have to say between Charlie and Phil going for 2nd and 3rd servings , no one paid attention to the fact that hardly any of the Cullens ate anything , I knew of course that Alice had provided them with GLAD plastic sandwich bags hidden strategically under the table , of course their movements were too fast for human eyes to notice , and they made sure to keep the conversation and beer flowing.
Afterwards the guys decided to go play baseball in the clearing behind the house, i was sure it would be nothing like that spring when I was privy to baseball vampire style,it was so cute how they were being so patient with the humans, I shoke my head as I realize I was not including myself in their species anymore...
That's when Esmee turned towards me after putting back Rosalie's wedding memoirs,what else could you call them lol,she walked across the room and sat next to me on the meridienne which had an exotic afghan from Morocco drapped across it, she took my hands in hers and looked me in the eyes, hers reminded me of Edward,the same compassion lit deep within them ,saying:
« Bella, I think we need to talk , I know Alice can be an overwhelming busybody , and we both agreed that maybe I should be the one to have this discussion with you rather than her.
For weeks now you've been having discussions with Carlisle and Jasper in his office about the practical aspects of becoming a vampire since that episode in the woods when those newborns , created with the sole purpose of hunting you down,attacked us! Even though we know your choice is pretty much irrevocable.
But I wanted to approach the topic from a more personal angle now that you are about to truly become a Cullen , I know there are things now, concerns about intimacy that you obviously can't talk about with your mother,so I am here as her proxy in our world for you if you wish,if not I'll understand but always know Bella dear that I will forever be as much a mother to you as I am to my other children,who believe it or not still come to me as a go-to negotiator/pacifier, I may not have a power per se , but I'm pretty good at my role as peacekeeper of our coven » an amused grin curving her lips.
I was overwhelmed by her speech as I felt the blood rush to my cheeks , I was a bit embarassed and yet felt at the same time such gratitude knowing I had her ear whenever I chose to , Esmee had brought so much love and compassion when she was turned that it was impossible not to feel the warmth emanating from her,it made me wonder what I'd bring into our family circle.
Edward had told me that even tough she never laid it down heavy on me,she was the one it touched the most to finally see him so completely in love and that she had prayed , yes prayed and hoped I was his soulmate that would bring him back to life among the undead , also that I would have the courage of my convictions and sentiments knowing all too well the strain of me being human had placed on our budding relationship . He also told me that until I came along she did a pretty poor job of hiding her inner-most worries that he would end up a 110yrs old vampire virgin,not only physically but emotionally...
« Esmee,you're right and thanks for bringing up the topic I probably would never have brought it up on my own but here we are, I have so many questions for you,I'm not sure you'll want to answer them,some are...well really only a few big ones .
Esmee you know how deeply I love Edward, and I'll admit I've been testing his limits pretty hard whenever we're alone and kissing , but its one thing to be pda-ing the hell out with your boyfriend/soulmate,wanting something and at the same time not knowing what,it gets kinda blurry whether I just want him to bite me and transform me OR ravish me,bite me then transform me
is it ok to be confuse where my priorities are concerned? »
« Oh Bella honey, of course its okay,you're only human,and as long as you truly want both to happen and are fully aware that the end result will be you dying and becoming a vampire...Bella have you had sex before meeting edward,it would be perfectly understandable if you had had that experience?we wouldnt think less of you! »
There I immediately blushed red beat, « No I've never...I'm still a virgin, I just never met anyone that made me feel the way Edward does or even some feeling remotedly close and the truth is having been raised by a single mom in a city after her failed marriage with my dad at such a young age,I've been weary of getting close to a guy, I've seen many girls in my high school back in Phoenix fall for the flavor of the week boy charm and being dumped after they got their way with them,then having to face the consequences on their own,may they be temporary or dire!
Sometimes I think I was saving myself for Edward without knowing,I never told my mom this because I figured there's one too many romantic care-free person in our two-unit family,but I always felt attracted to the stories of beauty&the beast and the little mermaid,something about those disney films appealed to me,
in hindsight I now know its the fact that the heroines were a little aloof,different,nearly marginal within their social network and went on to find true love in the most unusual place and in the form of someone so unlike themselves,practically from another world,that the only way to be together,to consumate their love and proclaim it for all to see,was to leave the past behind,leave their world and adopt their prince charming's world wholeheartedly with no possibility of going back past the point of no return , the best part was that doing so was never a sacrifice but a necessity like breathing air or drinking water! Joining Edward for eternity would be like finally realizing my true potential, finding my rightful place in this world, I've never felt so right about anything else,this is where I belong!
That's how I feel about Edward , I'm not just wanting to offer myself to him because of raging hormones,I need to give myself to him,I need to be one with him ,for my selfish needs,for me to feel complete,to feel anchored into this reality thats about to become mine for all eternity,so until he caves in, pent-up frustration is my new bff »
Esmee held my hands in hers a little too tight for comfort as she smiled at the last part of my speech but I didnt mind I had needed to vent out my feelings for a while now.
« I so understand you right now and you have no idea how happy I am that you'll get to have your fairytale ending/new beginning, I didnt get mine exactly at first although I was lucky enough it ended well all things considered.
When I was about your age I met Carlisle and fell madly in love with him after only one encounter,it was like lightning striking in the blink of a second,but I was so young at the time I didnt recognize what it was I was feeling,and in my world he was a grown man, a non established doctor whom I had no reason to bump into in my social circle, afterwards he left town so suddenly never to be seen again ,I was forlorn for what seemed months,my parents thought it would be a good idea for me to meet someone and get married in hopes I might be distracted out of my despondency, I only accepted because I was sure I'd never see Carlisle dont you ever feel bad about how much you desire to be with Edward,the rest will follow its natural course, what I am saying is there is no need for you to fear giving into your sexual urges because its a natural step in the way your romance unfolded! »
I smiled shyly,then feeling emboldened by the easy flow of our conversation, I mustered up courage and asked her:
« still Esmee do you think I should wait until I'm turned to make love with him and just have a platonic honeymoon? The thing is I want this to be my last human experience really badly, I'm intoxicated by the prospect,and at the same time nervous,I don't know much about intimacy!
me and Jessica overheard in gym class these two girls talking about their 1st time with a guy and how it hurt physically,how it wasnt all that memorable,but how relieved they were that in the dark they were told of a flower that only blooms in the violet hour,at this I turn with a quizzical look at Jessica and she whispered to me ''code word for loosing their virginity'' ,they seemed a bit disappointed at having been deflowered without exactly blooming in glorious fashion,
it got me thinking later that day as I was driving home in my truck about the practical side of it,that if they were having grievances about sex with a human guy,what was I suppose to expect when...with Edward...I mean he's...like marble stone...u all are... » I trailed off in a whisper.
« The stupidest things crossed my mind in a flash would he need viagra pills?, would I need to take some kind of painkiller beforehand? would we need condoms? is his...functionning normally...will I be able to ...will we fit?,should I write Charlie&Renee goodbye letters in case something goes awfully wrong,will I like it?will he like it?its his 1st too afterall!am I blowing this out of proportion?
Later as I parked the car in front of my house I saw Edward materialize in front of me and open my door, he said hi and a wave of his sweet breath hit me in the face ,as I inhaled a sense of clarity washed over me and I was suddenly overwhelmed with certainty that Edward would never hurt me,that everything would work out fine,that our lips and bodies fitted perfectly all those nights we spend together kissing and just cuddling,nooking,intertwining our limbs,nothing felt out of place then,that I was made for him as he for me, so I shooked it off,grabbed him and pulled him in for a I-want-you-right-now kiss as usual he humoured me for a minute before pulling back,always the gentleman...
what I didnt account for , was that once he left to go hunting with Emmett & Jasper, I started freaking out anew,knowing full well I had no one to talk to about this,its not everyday your average girl next door wants to have sexual intercourse with a vampire, a mythological creature,there's no ''how to have sex with a supernatural creature for dummies'' in the self-help sections of bookstores »
« Bella you should have come to me sooner about this,would you have come to me if I hadnt initiated this discussion,huh? I think I understand now why Alice was been so mysterious as to why I should have this talk with you,maybe she saw that you needed this but didnt know how to bring about the topic with me, or maybe Rosalie told her how supportive I'd been with her when she was first changed ,which would make more sense.
I know Rosalie can seem rough at first but she's fiercely loyal to her family so no matter what her opinion is of your choice of giving your humanity , doesn't mean she won't welcome you into our family ...eventually... with warmth,maybe she just didnt know how you would take it coming from her! Believe me underneath that tough exterior is a very sensible soul, she's just been scarred one to many time by her human family, we're all she has now and soon you'll be part of that family just don't rush her and soon enough between her and Alice they'll drive you crazy with their respective expertise in healthy sex life and fashion survival 101 , anyways until my three daughters are chummy like blood-sisters and swear oaths of eternal bff-ness , I'm going to do the filling in on your hot topics!
Let's see from the top
Bella if Edward promised you a real honeymoon, then he will deliver, he might have been a champion in restraining himself from making youan honest lady but now that he's giving himself permission , I'm pretty sure that's all he's been thinking about lol well seeing as he can't escape Emmett and you know Emmett when he gets on one train of thought he can't get quite annoying and persistent! Especially with his experience in honeymoons!
Next about the « violet hour » thingy -as she air-quoted with her fingers- I wouldnt worry too much about that ,those guys are bumbly prepubescent boys who probably won't hit maturity before they're 30yrs old, Edward is edward ,he's had decades of studying all kind of stuff, theoritically crafting skills to perfection,and he loves you bella, a guy in love knows how to physically show his love.
As it is he can hardly keep his eyes off of you, so imagine when he gets his hands on you for good, no holding back, plus as you both are practically glued by the hip since forever, 2yrs worth of foreplay will go a long way in smoothing things over without a glitch in sight when the time comes! You two will fit just fine, stop fretting so much! People in town are going to think you're having cold feet, the usual pre-wedding jitters, Edward tells me Jessica likes to blab which must be somewhat true seeing her mother is a chatterbox, nice enough but I always have to be polite at my charity functions I organized through the hospital!
So feeling better? I'm absolutely positive you'll have the time of your life, just let Edward do the leading in this dance, wherever he takes you follow , embrace his lovemaking, always make him feel like he matters, make his happiness your top priority! I know it can be daunting being responsible for someone else's heart but really what your doing is taking care of your own happiness,your heart too! There's no greater reward,trust me, i know...
I burst out giggling as I remembered something, Esmee asked me what and I told her ,Edward told me « never trust a vampire, ...trust me » while walking down the school main corridor where the lockers were...it was right after Alice and Jasper tried to out me as a birthday girl..
I got up and went to hug her as hard as I could which was not saying a lot, but the meaning was evident « Esmee thank you so much, I feel much more relaxed now, more composed, I think I'll manage from now on until the wedding to keep my emotions in check,I really needed this,I guess having my two worlds collide in such close proximity even for a little while has had me on edge all week, since my mom came back to Forks , seeing her with Charlie too , I wonder what my life would have been like if they had stayed married but I never dwell too long on it, because at the end of the day I'm happy, I found Edward , a new world and the family I always dreamed off!
« Sweetheart, me and Carlisle are just as happy finally our boy heart has found a home, our family is complete and I get to finally set an even numbers table at dinner, as you know me and Alice love to throw formal dinners once a month,as you'll soon find out once you're a vampire and you don't need to sleep anymore you'll have to find creative ways to keep you and Edward distracted! »
« oh we won't need to be distracted » smiling cheekily.
« you'll see how after a decade of not needing to be distracted you'll see I was right, after all vampires or humans a marriage is a marriage, you need to nourish it and always communicate...unless of course you're an anomaly like rose and emmett...come with me back to the kitchen i made some chocolate soufflé for our humans ha ha ha... »
I followed her, neither of us imagining the events that would unfold three weeks later...
I sighed as I came back to reality , I love reminiscing about our conversation, because now with the baby on its speedy way, what with Rosalie helping protect it fiercely, it was important to me to remind Edward that he was still my top priority, that I had enough place in my heart for both of them ,enough love, for a mother's love could never compare to a wife's love and vice versa, neither would never have to compete for my affections.
I stroke my tummy trying to calm the baby, who so far displayed the same moodiness as his father, except his whiplashes were manifested physically as attested by the dark spots on my stretched stomach.
I felt such a deep conviction in my heart that it was meant to be for me to bring this family, my family a sense of completion,this baby would strengthen our bond as a family in more ways than one!
I know some still doubted the righteousness of this baby's existence but I couldn't shake the feeling that I was pulling my weight in our coven as I had no idea if my AM brain frequency would produce any worthy power or ability that would help us if we ever had to face new dangers,I never wanted to feel helpless again and not be able to stand proudly with my family in a united front!
« Edward?..come here...kiss me, please? » as he leaned in to capture my lips with his , I felt such a sensation of well-being wash over me I forgot everything for a few seconds, the pain, the situation, the drama only to bask in the warmth of his love.