With sleep being a thing that didn't really come easy for me, or when it did it was often restless, I took advantage of the fact the cross country flight from Virginia to Oregon would take a while. Though a peaceful nap would not be possible because somebody nearby was speaking softly, whatever they were saying was barely audible over the faint hum of the jet's engines, and trying to fall back to sleep before e reached Portland was now going to be impossible.

However, I was not about to admit defeat by opening my eyes.

For several moments I just laid there curled up on a bench seat, which normally would have seated two of us comfortably, was barely enough to let someone sleep.

The voice had stopped leaving the plane fairly quiet, minus the occasional soft snore coming from a member of the team. Well maybe not everyone because whoever had been talking was now trying to muffle the sound of them coughing.

"Are you alright?" I whispered my eyes still closed so I had no clue who I was talking to.

"Yes," the voice of my supervisor answered roughly. "Sorry for waking you up."

Letting out a heavy sigh I opened my eyes, tilting my head I saw Hotch sitting across the table from me. "No, you didn't" I assured him uncurling myself. I felt Hotch's gaze follow every move I made, his eyes searing my skin. "I just have a hard time sleeping on this thing."

Something about Hotch's expression made me feel he wasn't buying it.

It took me a couple of seconds to be fully awake when I realized how tousled I must have looked, at some point while I was asleep my heels fell off my feet and my blazer was now a wrinkled mess after using it as a makeshift blanket.

"Oh crap," I muttered under my breath hoping Hotch wouldn't hear as I slipped my heels back on under the table.

I looked up under my lashes and noticed Hotch staring down at me, his lips pressed together and watching my every move like he was a bird of prey, there was a hint of color on his cheeks that did make me wonder what was going on in his head.

"Sir, if you don't mind me asking, what are you doing awake?" I asked just to fill the silence.

"Nothing really."

"Oh," I responded flatly, throwing my now wrinkled jacket over the arm of the seat.

Hotch ran a hand through his hair before letting out a heavy sigh. "I was just listening to a message from my son that I had saved to my phone."

"I didn't know you had a son." I stared at my boss in shock; it was amazing how little I really knew about the man sitting across from me. Sure we all kept so much of our personal lives hidden but honestly I really had no idea who Hotch was.

I knew what it was like being the child of a member of the BAU, the countless holidays away from family and all the uncertainty regarding when they'd be home, if they came home. Reflecting on my own childhood caused a knot to develop in the pit of my stomach.

"What about your wife?" I asked casually, noticing that Aaron never wore a wedding ring.

"Late, ex-wife," Hotch corrected me.

Aaron's whole mood changed at the mention of his ex-wife, he seemed to age ten years right before my eyes. He opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something but decided against it. I suddenly regretted even asking Aaron about his family.

"I'm sorry…Hotch, I didn't kn-" I stuttered trying to find the words.

Could you say foot in mouth?

"It's okay," Hotch's voice was dark and distant as he cut me off refusing to meet my gaze; it was obvious that his heart still ached for her. His attention was fixed on the darkness that surrounded the plane. "You didn't know, you weren't there."

My curiosity wanted to know what he meant by saying that I wasn't there but my common sense knew better than that, for now I was content without knowing what happened to the late Mrs. Hotchner. Letting out a heavy sigh I stared out my own window, rubbing my arms to take away the chill in the plane, if it was caused by the actual temperature of the cabin or the frigidness between Hotch and I was yet to be determined.

/0/0/

My clothes were stained with blood as I knelt beneath a large willow tree in Portland cemetery; it was taking every ounce of strength my body possessed to keep from breaking down in front of my team and the local police force.

Sure this whole case should be seen as a victory because we caught the bad guy in the end, but not before he could kill his last victim.

We arrived just minutes too late.

As discrete as they could be I knew the team was giving me space to process what had happened and I thanked them for it, but the truth was I was feeling like I was completely alone.

I was afraid to close my eyes because every time I even blinked I saw the UNSUB's victims lifeless expressions looking back at me so I clutched my chest tighter praying that it would help hold me together.

"Sam?" Hotch called my name, it was so distant that I swore he was a million miles away. "Are you alright?"

After opening and closing my mouth several times I began panicking when no sound came out.

"Sam?" I heard Hotch say again; his voice was the only sound I heard. "We have to get going."

When I was able to find my voice it was full of emotion, "I…I c-couldn't do anything." I looked up at Hotch as several tears ran down my face. "I couldn't do anything to help her, Hotch."

"You did everything you could have."

"Really? Do you believe that?"

"You can't let this get to you Sam or it'll eat you apart, believe me I know."

I just knelt in the grass staring up at Hotch in silence, my brain trying to process what he had told me, mainly because I couldn't agree with him. Yes, I understood that every case wouldn't end with a fairy tale ending, but that didn't mean I couldn't feel for those left behind.

That just wasn't me.

I felt my blood pressure raising rapidly as I got up off the ground and whipped myself off. "I'm glad that can work for you sir, but that's not me," I began, my voice teetering on the edge, "I can't just shut my emotions on and off in a split second. I actually like to have some kind of compassion and would like to look at myself in the mirror again and recognize myself."

"Sam," he started but didn't get that far when I cut him off.

"I'm sorry sir, but I have to know I'm still human at the end of the day. It may work for some but I can tell you it won't work for me."

Yeah, he is the prick I thought he would be, I thought to myself as I stormed off leaving Aaron Hotchner standing alone beneath the weeping willow. You knew you shouldn't have let yourself develop feelings for him.

"Yeah, yeah," I muttered to myself, fully aware I was answering my own thoughts out loud. "I was hoping he would be different."

/0/0/

No one had really said anything on the plane ride home; Hotch and I were intentionally sitting on separate ends of the plane. Much of that was my own doing because I was afraid I would end up strangling the man.

JJ and I were sitting across from each other, she was busy letting her husband Will know that she was on her way home and needed to say hello to her son. I was trying not to listen but I couldn't help it so I kept on pretending to be interested in a book that I kept in my ready bag.

Apparently, I was pretending to read so well that I didn't realize JJ had gotten off the phone until she started talking to me.

"You know we've all been where you are at some point," JJ said mid yawn, stretching her arms over her head.

"Does it ever get any easier?" I asked closing my book and setting it on the table. "Do you ever stop feeling like what we do is just never enough?"

"Yes, and then there are other days where you just want to go home and do whatever you can to forget about this job."JJ leaned over the table, her chin propped up in the palms of her hands. "You know what, I was once told that this job is never perfect and sometimes we get lucky."

I leaned over in my seat and stole a quick look at Hotch, who appeared to be in a deep conversation with Rossi and Emily. "Let me guess who told you that," I mumbled, turning my attention back to JJ.

"He's just looking out for you; he knows that this is different than what you're used to when you were with organized crime."

"I know," I conceded knowing that she was right and that I really shouldn't be so upset with Hotch. "I just have to get used to it."

JJ reached out and held my hands in her own flashing me a gentle smile. "Don't worry, we'll all be here for you as you do," she promised.

Almost out of no where Morgan and Reid joined us, Reid taking his usual seat next to JJ.

"Alright ladies," Morgan began, plopping down in the seat next to me, "You both are way too serious right now, you two need to chill out."

"How about a round of cards?" Reid suggested pulling a deck of cards from his pocket and setting them in front of us.

"Alright," Morgan and JJ agreed together.

"I thought you told me never play cards with Reid?" I asked mocking Morgan because of something he had told me my first day. "Wasn't there something about how Reid always cheats so it's pointless to even play with him?"

Morgan looked over his shoulder, meeting Hotch's eyes. "It'll save you from doing something you'd end up regretting."

"You think I'd do something?" I raised an eyebrow, smirking at him.

It was Reid that answered my question that kind of shocked me just as much as his answer. "Sam, we all heard your tirade this afternoon, no one wants to take that chance."

So...just when you thought things were going to settle down for the BAU. What is the aftermath of Sam's tirade in the cemetary? How does Hotch feel about Sam now? What is keeping Sam from a restful nights sleep? All these questions and more will be answered soon. I would love to hear from more of you so leave me a message and let me know your thoughts.

I am also planning on writing part of this chapter from Hotch's point of view in the near future so keep your eyes open for it.

You can always ask me questions here or check out Light After Darkness' website and leave me (or Sam) a comment or question at, http:/afterdarknesscm(dot)wordpress(dot)com/