Chapter 19
Unconditional
Santa Cruz, California
May 5, 1987 (Tuesday)
3:45 p.m.
For the first time in a long time Kitty Forman felt empowered.
She should have done this sooner, she just needed more than a standard reason, because it would just be
more of the same. Sure, he'd have talked to her, but he wouldn't change, and the reason to change was staring
him right in the face. The visits to Dr. Farrell plus all of the books she would check out of the library were right
about a few things. One, more often than not, it's not the traumatic event that is the worst; it was the
aftermath, the day-to-day living. Steven had done too much, too soon, expecting life to reach its apex of a "new
normal". He helped with the house, he helped with Eric, and he and Jackie tried, God love those kids for trying,
but a relationship couldn't last under those weights. He never had a chance to heal; she knew she couldn't force
him to see a psychiatrist. The only time he went to the hospital was during the raw early stages of the
aftermath when had to be evaluated after being held captive for 4 months. His responses to anyone looking for
them were short and curt. He didn't tell anyone everything and that was including Red and Kitty themselves.
She stood in the spacious empty kitchen, this beachfront house was gorgeous, but it wasn't a home. It was
almost like a hotel. She didn't want to scare him when he came home, but she was also angry that he avoided
them for 8 years, yes it was in all the books as one of the signs of PTSD, pure avoidance behavior. He didn't
show up for Red's or Jackie's funerals. If he sent anything to Kitty it was from a business address that wasn't
even in Santa Cruz. Kitty knew in Steven's mind, he didn't want to be a burden anymore, yet he never was a
burden. That it was all his fault, when it most certainly wasn't. That he wasn't good enough for them, which was
also untrue. So there was Holly Sullivan, the girl he pushed away, who just happened to be the daughter of one
of her best friends Patricia Sullivan from nursing school. She had more than the standard reason to knock some
sense into that boy's head. The young man that she loved like he was one of their own. Kitty knew Eric would
be livid if she knew where she was. She just said she went back to California with her friend's daughter. She left
a note on his desk so he wouldn't worry. It was going to take a long time for Steven and Eric to get their
relationship back, but one step at a time. Kitty took the cranapple juice that she bought at the airport out of the
refrigerator and poured herself a glass and resisted the urge to find something in the liquor cabinet to spike it
up.
How was he going to react to seeing her? His self-imposed exile had gone long enough; she wanted her family
back, what was left of it. She wanted to see her boys reach a happy place, with wonderful girlfriends, and
before she died she wanted to hold at least one precious grandbaby in her arms. She noticed the red numbers
on the answering machine…10 messages. It wasn't her business to play them back, so she didn't, just like she
didn't go rummaging through his possessions. Steven was violated enough. She just wanted him back in the
family fold where he belonged. She waited and hoped that he wasn't on the road with one of the bands he
wrote about. Her heart skipped a beat when she heard the front door open, the beeping of the security alarm,
the sound of keys, and a panting dog. Kitty didn't know if she should stay in the kitchen and wait, she didn't
want to come out running like a mad woman, although she really did want to do just that. She wanted to give
her second son the world's biggest hug. The German Shepherd came in the kitchen first, he sniffed her, but he
really didn't bark. Of course, Steven would have a gentle dog. She tapped the dog on the head, the poor animal
looked sad with tired eyes. She stood up and waited, thank god, he didn't have a woman of questionable
means with him.
"Are you hungry?" and that's when Steven Hyde's world temporarily stopped. Was Kitty
Forman, the mother he always wished for, standing in his kitchen? He took off his
sunglasses and put them on the counter.
"Hello, Steven. Come here and give me a hug."
They were going to have to take this one moment at a time, never mind the one day at a
time.
Self-repression was a curious thing, because when the stimuli was right in front of him,
he did want to embrace Kitty. He missed her very much and her calm demeanor was
much appreciated. Not that he felt that he didn't deserve to be hit upside the head with a
rolling pin, she was always the calm in the stormy sea. He wouldn't cry, not now where
she could see anyway.
"I missed you." He admitted
"I may not be yelling, but I am still angry." She couldn't get used to his bald head and
moustache, but she knew what he was doing, just like the small amount of dental work he
had done. She wasn't fond of the tattoos that she could see that were peeking out from the
sleeves of his t-shirt.
He didn't want to be seen as his brother.
"I know. Did you meet Sid my dog?"
"Yes, he's very nice. How's work?"
Kitty decided while Steven prepared Sid's dinner it was best to just jump into the pool of
conversation. The fact that they could converse where they left off as if they hadn't been
separated for 8 years was proof of their bond.
"Good. But I don't think you came here all this way to talk about my work. How did you
find my address?"
And get passed the alarm?
"Oh a mother knows, Steven, a mother knows lots of things."
His internal antenna was raised, Kitty knew more than she was letting on.
"How's For – Eric?"
Kitty was curious, was Steven going to cook that whole steak for the dog? Lucky indeed.
"He's all right. Eric is doing the best he can, as we all are. He bounces from job to job, he
invested his portion of the money from Red's, God rest his soul, lawsuit against Price
Mart. He doesn't know I'm in here, but he knows I'm in California."
Hyde raised a brow.
"Is there more to that?"
"I suppose there is. I don't know if you have any obligations tonight…"
"You don't have to worry about that, Mrs. Forman, the least I can do is take you out to
dinner."
And talk…she was going to want to talk…he supposed he owed her that much.
"I don 't want you to take me out to dinner."
She had him perplexed.
"Where do you want to go then?"
"We have lots of time to speak, but you only get one chance, sometimes you get two
chances, that's right. I'll be here for a few days, I want you to dress spiffy and don't let
her go because you think you are inferior somehow."
He almost lost his grip on the handle of the frying pan.
"I don't know how you know….but you are aware of Holly aren't you?"
"Yes. I'll dog sit Sid.….you get the girl before I do start raising my voice and start
throwing frying pans around."
Hyde turned and gave her Kitty another hug and kissed her on the cheek, "After all this
time, you still…."
"Why would I ever stop loving my kids?"
A chip fell off the stone and he realized how stupid his self-imposed absence was.
"What makes you think Holly still wants to see me?"
"A mother knows, Steven. I'll take care of your dog."
It pulled at him much like when a mother has to leave her children in the care of others.
He never left the dog alone with anyone before. Yeah, there were times when he was
busy, but everyone followed his instructions and he was always in the same vicinity as
Sid.
And of course he trusted Kitty.
"I have instructions…and I owe you an explanation…in the utility drawer here…."
He would finish Sid's supper ritual so she would see how he did things.
"Okay. I like seeing your face, Steven."
He let himself smile a bit, "You too, Mrs. Forman."
Eight years without her truly in his life was much too long and he knew it.
Get the Girl
How was it possible that Kitty knew Holly? She didn't tell him, she just told him to
shower and change and to follow his heart. The part of the heart that lets love in, he
would have to tell Mrs. Forman later that for the past few months Jackie started appearing
to him in his dreams. At first the dreams were of a nightmarish variety, but he figured
they had to be a compilation of the day's thoughts, because fairly recently the Jackie dreams took a better tone.
She wasn't abandoned or saying he deserved to die. Jackie was almost cheerful and ethereal.
She was beautiful; she was dressed in a silky, flowy white sheath, if she were an Angel
there were no wings. She told him to think of it like a sentence.
Steven, you deserve love, there is nothing to be afraid of, when you let love in.
But in the waking hours she was the pestering mosquito who would not stop gabbing.
So he stood outside apartment 4B in his crisp white shirt and best jeans. He even broke
open the box of unworn new black boots. They were a gift from someone who didn't
mean anything to him. He took off his glasses and placed them on his shirt.
Following Jackie's spiritual and Mrs. Forman's Earthly advice he knocked on the door
almost afraid of what was going to happen next. He wondered if she had to work late,
but Mrs. Forman probably knew the answer to that and she wouldn't have otherwise
nudged him on this adventure.
The door opened and Holly still with her hair in the ponytail, not full and down during
the date of their rejection dinner, was in front of him wearing her yellow PJ's and
wrapped up tight in a white bathrobe. He didn't know if he was going to be invited in or
if the door was going to be slammed back in his face.
"Hello, Steve…"
She let the words hang in the air. She didn't have much experience in these matters and he was aware of the
fact. But she tried to keep in mind the guidance she got from Kitty during their short afternoon of tea and
windmill cookies that Steven Hyde was a good man he just needed a good woman to help him see that, and to
not give up on him.
"Hi, Holly."
"Come in," she let him in her small apartment, "can I get you anything?"
"No…yeah, an answer to a question."
"Which is?"
"She won't tell me and I'm curious. How do you know Mrs. Forman?"
Holly smiled as she directed him to the white sofa.
"I suppose she wanted you to hear it from me. My Mother went to nursing school with Kitty, and one of my
aunts, the slutty one, Marsha still lives in Point Place. I can tell you the rest later. She did tell me to not give up
on you."
"She did, did she?" He wondered why she was standing up, while he was sitting on the sofa.
Hyde didn't know what to do next except to not think about what to do next and to just go with the flow of the
moment.
"She's a kind hearted woman."
"Yes she is," he took a breath, "Holly, to put it bluntly I've been an asshole. Would you give me the chance to
start over?" He felt like a 5th grade dork trying to find the courage to give a Valentine's Day card to a crush.
"I would like that very much, Steve."
"Would you like to go out for dinner?"
She paused for a few seconds, "How about for tonight we just stay here?"
"That's fine."
"I need to change…why don't you make yourself a drink?"
Steven, you deserve love, there is nothing to be afraid of, when you let love in.
There was a familiar magazine on the coffee table that he picked up.
Newsweek.
An American Tragedy: The Point Place Murders, Twin of Fate
The mailing label read
R.. Forman
14 Hillview Street
Sarasota, FL.
34239
Holly knew.
Hyde didn't need to read about something that he already experienced. He put it back on the table. He didn't
read the article in 1983 and he had no interest to read it now.
Damn it.
He didn't want her to ever know, it might not have been the most realistic of thoughts, but that was how he felt.
Hyde walked over to the small bar and realized for the first time in he couldn't remember if there was ever a
time when he didn't want a drink to numb the pain of his existence, he wanted to drink because he was happy,
or starting to feel something resembling happy.
Hyde pretended that he didn't see the 1983 article that Mrs. Forman obviously gave Holly to read and focused
on the here and now.
He and Holly deserved a real chance at least and he was going to work hard on this goal, not for Mrs. Forman,
not for Jackie's memory, but for himself.
After
12:10 a.m.
Hyde chuckled when he walked into his living room. Mrs. Forman was sitting in his leather chair fast asleep with
the dog at her feet. She wanted to wait up for him. He took the blue plaid blanket off the sofa and covered her
legs with it. He kissed her goodnight on the cheek.
She blinked her eyes open before he could leave the room.
"S-steven," she covered how mouth to stop a yawn, "You're home."
"You were waiting up for me?"
"N-no. Yes, yes, I was. So you better tell me how your date went with Holly, Mister."
"We ordered Chinese and ate in…and we're going to take it slow."
"Did you two kids kiss?"
Wow. Did he miss this lady something fierce. She could tell by the slight flush to his cheeks that they did indeed
kiss each other.
"Okay, how about tomorrow I take you out for breakfast?"
"That sounds very nice, Steven."
"Did you put your things in the guest room?"
It didn't seem right for Mrs. Forman to be in something labeled a guest room.
"Yeah, but I wasn't going to go to bed and miss this conversation."
He helped her out of the chair as Sid stayed sleeping.
"I know. How was Sid for you?"
"Good. I took him out for his walk."
Hyde walked Kitty to her room, as there were no nightlights to guide the way, only the moon coming in from the
windows.
"Do you need anything?" He asked as he flipped the light switch on.
"No, I'm good. You will always be my son …."
He didn't know where it came from, but he decided to stop questioning things and to just let them happen.
There wasn't a conspiracy around every corner.
Mrs. Forman made his second chance with Holly possible it wouldn't have happened without her loving guidance.
"Thank you so much for coming today," he kissed her on the cheek and hugged her goodnight, "I love you —
Mom."