We set our headquarters in a hotel, just outside of Forks. It was rainy, cold, and the whole place smelled of mildly homosexual biscuits, but this did not hinder our course in the slightest. Hurrying in from the wind blowing outside, we made our way to the desk, and asked for a room. The person behind the desk said no, but Dracula bared his teeth, reared himself up to his full height, and shot him the balls until he reluctantly consented to us staying for a month. He ungraciously showed us our rooms, before hurrying off to nurse his wounds with a salty bottle of Jack Daniels. Or something.

When the screaming had died down, the two of us sat down around the small table, and waited for the first teammates to arrive. The crow perched on the back of a chair, and lit another cigarette, blowing smoke rings through its tear ducts. I was impressed.

'That's pretty cool.'

'Thanks'

We sat in silence until there was a sharp knock on the door. A man stepped in, wearing a long jacket, arms ending in knives where hands should be. The most striking thing about him was that half his face was a table leg, with a price tag still attached. He sat down heavily on the nearest seat, looking as though he was heavily inebriated. His breath stank of alcohol, and the faintest hint of perfume.

'Right.' He said. 'Bad news lads. Half the guys we asked for declined, saying it was either a stupid-as-fuck idea, or that they were busy.

'Even Chuck Norris?'

'He said it wasn't enough of a challenge. All he'd need to do is roundhouse kick, and it'd solve the problem.'

'Bugger.' I leant back, leant forward again, and took the large nail out of my spine. 'This is a shit chair.' I looked closer at the nail. It had a small tag that read 'Congratulations! You now have herpes.' I sighed, reached inside my jacket, took out an anti std pigeon, and swallowed it whole. Dracula gave me a look.

'Did you just eat a whole pigeon?'

'Yes, and what of it?'

'You selfish fucksucker.'

'Its for medicinal purposes only.' I smiled. 'And it makes you high.'

'Sounds like the stuff I drank downstairs.' Said Tablelegknifehandguy. 'Had one hell of an effect.'

'What was that?'

'Some kind of Jack Daniels, with a weird aftertaste.'

The crow fell off its perch. I kept my face straight.

'Excellent.'

'Right. Anyway, the people we have coming-'

'LOL!' Dracula yelled. I looked at him. He sat back a little sheepish. 'He said 'cum'' A pause. 'It was funny.'

'Right. Anyway.' I looked back at Tablelegknifehandguy. 'Who have we got?'

'Maybe the Magical Ho. But maybe not.'

'Who's the Magical Ho?' Dracula asked. I rolled my eyes.

'Maybe the personification of uncertainty.' I coughed. 'Or maybe not.'

'Oh. What's he like?'

'He can be many things. Or perhaps he can't' I shrugged. 'I don't know much about the Magical Ho.'

'Or maybe you do.' Said Dracula. I smiled.

'Now you're getting it!'

'Or maybe I'm not!'

'Ok, stop it.' I frowned.

'Maybe I won't!'

'If you don't stop, I'll shove this crow so far into your anus that its wings will extend from your ears.'

'Ok, sorry.' He looked at me, shiftily. 'Or maybe I'm not' He whispered.

'Fuck you, Dracula. Fuck you in the eye.'

There was a sharp rap on the door. Before any of us could get up to attend to it, it opened a crack, and a man slid in, wearing a jester's outfit, the bells on his coxcomb jangling merrily. I got up to shake his hand. Tablelegknifehandguy attempted to do the same. I face palmed.

'Fool! Good to see you.'

The crow held up a sign with 'insert Mr T joke here.' written on it. The fool rolled his eyes.

' A pleasure to serve thee, Master Zephyr. 'Tis rare when a halfwits' fame precedes his steps and handshake.'

'You're a funny guy.' I grinned. 'Guys, say hi to the funny clown'

''Tis the times plague when vampires are written about in chick-lit.' The fool gave a little bow, bells ringing.

'When the red eye'd sparkle, twinkly lit, when the mountains ring with the noise of it, then legends descend to piles of shit.' He hopped on the spot, gleefully. I raised an eyebrow.

'That wasn't great, fool.'

The fool shrugged. 'Why do you think I disappear halfway through King Lear? I ran out of material.'

'Fair enough.' I turned back to the others. 'Who else is there?'

'A few are meeting us later.' Dracula said. 'We decided to separate our base of operations, in case the twihards find out where we are, and come with pitchforks and torches.'

'Like they did when they went to burn baby Jesus?' asked Tablelegknifehandguy. I nodded.

'Exactly like when they went to burn baby Jesus.' I paused. 'Wait, what?'

'Have we got a plan yet?' asked the crow. I nodded.

'Something approaching that.'

'Which is?'

'Well, killing them is too blatant.' I got up, and started pacing to and fro. They watched me, intently. 'So is hideous disfigurement. Plus, its been done before. It won't wreck the twihards resolve, and it certainly won't piss them off.' I smiled to myself. 'So. What other ways are there?'

'Rape?'

I looked at Tablelegknifehandguy. 'Why are you even here?'

'The booze is good.'

'Keep telling yourself that.' I shook my head in exasperation before continuing. 'What we need is something that wrecks the whole concept of Twilight. What is the main theme in the saga?'

'Vampires?'

'Naivety?'

'Hunger?'

'Camel porn?'

'Almost. I'm talking about the reason they are so popular. The key element that we twist back on itself.' I grinned at their confused faces. 'The element, my friends, of love.'

'Wait, wait, wait,' exclaimed Dracula. 'Are you talking about alternate pairings? That's all been done before, you said.'

'Oh yes. I'm talking about a pairing so alternate it will shake the foundations of the Twilight saga to its very core.'

'Which is?' They all lent in, eager to hear the words. I paused dramatically. After an hour, they fell asleep. I woke them up with a tactical shot with the herpes nail.

'One of you, and Bella Swan.'

The reactions were, to say the least, rather violent.