Meanwhile

BPOV

I went downstairs that morning, narrating every single thought in my head as I did so, when I saw the whole Cullen clan standing in a row in the living room. They smiled as I came down, and Edward came over to me, clasping my hands.

'Happy Birthday, Bella! We got you a present!'

I was absolutely amazed, and my eyes widened like a deers' in oncoming headlights. On one hand, a present was amazing, and I almost cried at the fact that they had gone to so much trouble to get me something (I was weak and female, so absolutely every single event that ever happened to me left me short of breath and with tears in my eyes). On the other hand, I didn't like presents because it meant that I was the focus of attention, and, with my self esteem issues, I didn't feel as though I deserved such an honour. I started to hyperventilate with barely any emotion at all.

'Oh, but, oh, you shouldn't have!' I thought I was about to faint. Edward hugged me. I heard Alice's voice chirp behind him.

'Come one Bella, its your birthday! And open it quick, because I want to doll you up later, despite knowing full well that you hate it and that such descriptive sequences are pointless and mind-numbingly dull!'

'I can't believe this.' I sighed. Alice giggled again.

'You have to have presents on your birthday Bella! Duh.'

'Yeah! Duh!' grinned Emmett. 'Silly bitch!'

Rosalie nudged him. He shrugged.

'What? It's just banteeeerrrrrr'

I smiled because it was a joke and I found jokes funny sometimes. At that moment, Jacob walked in, grinning wildly.

'Hey, Bella! I came all the way out to this disgusting place to say hi, and happy birthday! And that I love you.' He turned to Edward. 'I love her, you know.'

Edward's face was expressionless, mainly because Robert Pattinson can't act for shit. 'Yes. I've noticed.'

'And I'll never give up-'

'Yes, you will. She'll have a kid, and that'll be that.'

'What?'

'I said nothing.'

The present was my own piano, made from pure diamond. I gasped when I saw it.

'Are you going to teach me how to play?'

'Of course!'

In my excitement, I fell over, knocking a glass of water. Jacob was there in a flash.

'I got it!' He tore off his top, revealing his ridiculously toned figure underneath. I swear I heard the sound of distant fan-girls squealing sounded from afar. He stood there, grinning, before remembering that there was a point and mopping up the spilt water with his shirt.

I looked at my arm and realised it was broken in ninety seven places, because I was a girl and therefore fragile and helpless. I passed out, woke in the hospital, and came back home the next day, with it fully healed.

'Thanks everyone! This is going to be the best year ever!'

/

ZPOV

Outside, unbeknownst to them, a crow fluttered into the air outside, soaring into the distance, out of sight.

/

'Ok, massive problem, guys'

I listened as I drove, hearing Knifehand's voice slur through the mobile. Dracs was sitting next to me, elbow hanging out of the window, head nodding to the music with an expression that resembled an aggressive watermelon that had just eaten a turd. I realised that driving on the road with a mobile was probably dangerous, so, wiping my sweaty brow with a handkerchief, I carefully moved onto the sidewalk, steering with my knees.

'Alright. Name it.'

'We've got two guys here that turned up uninvited.' Knifehand said. 'Looks like they want to join in our plans, but…well, I dunno.'

'Right. Who are they?'

'Well, one calls himself Mannerism Wang.' A pause. 'And he's a giant penis. In a top hat.'

'Oh. Right.' I replied. 'Well get rid of him. We don't need that kind of crowd messing up our plans.' I heard a brief scuffle on the other end of the line, and a different voice, with a strong British accent, sounded down the phone.

'Greetings. My name is Mannerism Wang, and I would like to complain about the severe lack of bagel sauce in this establishment. It is to my knowledge that you have indeed been shopping for groceries, and I would desire that this despicable situation is amended instantly.'

'No. No-one likes you.'

'Well, sir, perhaps you should suggest that to my horsy biscuit wife, you collywobbling shit.'

There was a slam as the phone was apparently smashed onto a table, and the line went dead. I turned on my wipers, and cleaned the blood of nineteen pedestrians from my windshield. A minute later the phone rang again. I answered.

'Right.' Knifehand's voice was back. 'I got that sorted. Sorry about all that.'

'No worries. He does that.' I punched Dracula absentmindedly in the leg. He'd been mouthing off to a group of men sporting rather baggy sportswear. They looked a bit peeved, and one called Dracula something that could only be discernable as 'bitch'. 'So who's the other one?'

'That's the thing, Zephyr. This guy…well it's weird.'

'Weird?' Such a thought had never occurred to me. 'Weird how?'

'He looks exactly like Edward Cullen.'

I froze. Dracula shot me a confused glance. Very, very slowly, I spoke.

'Colour of the eyes?'

'That's the only difference. They're red.'

I put my foot down, heading back to Forks. My heart was racing, and as I drove, a smile played across my lips. I don't know what it was playing. Probably some metal, or something badass.

'Don't send him away, Knives. I think we've found Darkward.'

TBC

If you're enjoying this idiocy, say so! I fucking love inflating my ego!

But seriously, review. Bitch.