A person, sorry I forget who exactly, suggested that I pair my character up with one of the members, but, I'm not sure I should. I always get really annoyed with OCs who get involved with canon characters, but one of my readers suggested it.

Title: Sent For Groceries, Got Kidnapped Instead
Disclaimer: This is 100% fanwork, and I don't get paid for it, so please don't sue me, I'm just a poor high school student with no life.
Rating: T
Warnings: Hidan's mouth, mentions of... Zetsu eating people (it's not really cannibalism, because is he really human?), forced servitute, and possible mentions of BDSM-related things

Here comes Hidan. I swear I've expended my limit for insanely attractive people met in one lifetime.

Now here's the thing, I don't mind cooking. I actually rather enjoy it, not to mention that if didn't my dad would turn every food product in the house into charcoal.

The fact that there's not really much in these cupboards I do mind. There's enough for maybe two meals here. This is unacceptable. I don't care if they're homicidal maniacs. The kitchen needs food. One of them is taking me grocery shopping. But until then I think I can make a stir-fry for dinner, with rice on the side and some miso soup, and then gyuu-tataki-don for breakfast.

Good thing there's lots of rice. And beer. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Ooh, there's a pot-filler above the stove, I won't have to carry the pot full of water across the room in the event I make pasta! The only thing that bothers me is it's an open floor plan, with just a breakfast bar separating me from the rest of the main living area. No hiding in the kitchen for me, I guess.

Which is why I'm making small talk with Itachi and Hidan right now, as I search around to get a feel for where everything is.

I look in the cabinet beneath the sink. Stove cleaner. Oven cleaner. Clorox wipes. A few weapons in the back, in case someone attacks while you're cooking, I guess. I think I've got the feel of it now. Rocking the kitchen, oh yeah.

"What about you, Osamu-chan?" Itachi asks. I forgot he and Hidan were there... Wait a minute. My given name AND chan?

"Huh?" comes the ever-so-intelligent reply out of my mouth. He smirks, this is unacceptable. I crank out a glare that is surely unintimidating to a cold-blooded murderer.

"Well, we were talking about our first times, Hidan's was after his first sacrifice to Jashin-"

"-Jashin-sama!"

"And mine was after my first big battle. What about yours?" I feel my face heat up. Sure I joke about it all the time with my friends, but it's rather distressing to have a murderer who is also a stranger straight-up as me if I was a virgin.

"...I...just... Haven't found someone who I'm willing to share that experience with yet..." It comes out stutter-y and broken, even I can tell that I'm embarrassed. Another goddamn smirk. Does he have a smirking problem or something? I feel his eyes follow me as I go check to see if the water's boiling for the rice. "I'm only sixteen, I have plenty of time for that later when I find someone worth it."

Hidan bursts out laughing, "Ha ha ha! Still a fucking virgin at sixteen!"

"I think it's kind of sweet she's waiting. I'd never go back, but sometimes I wonder what it would've been like if I hadn't gone post-battle-mad." It's not much, but there's a little spark in his eyes, so he seems to have enjoyed doing it with whoever it was.

Everyone seems to have such a great time doing it. Seems like doing it is just like... the pinnacle of experiences. Except to me. And I the only one who, when they think about doing it feel nothing but... sweaty? And not in a good way. This can't be a normal reaction.

It must be yet another abnormality in my genetic make-up like the absence of mammary glands and size five feet.

I am totally lacking in the 'do it' gene.

I think I'll concentrate on the chicken stir-fry for a while. Let my face cool down. That smells delicious. Sniff, sniff.

The Akatsuki organization must have spent a lot on dishes. This stuff is beautiful. Their cooking pots may have been bland, ultra-functional, copper-bottomed stainless steel, but these were beautiful dishes, a set of matching lacquered black with their trademark red clouds. I had chosen a set of deep rice bowls, and traditional miso bowls. I also found some chopsticks (also black lacquered) and a set of chopstick blocks. I had scooped out equal portions into bowls for each member, having been to lazy and unwilling to clean more dishes than necessary.

I had outdone myself. Good thing there was a dishwasher, even if the material is really easy to clean.

Would it be considered appropriate if brought up the lack of food in the kitchen during dinner? Because that kitchen is really, really barren.

Gyuu-tataki-don is a meal comprised of marinated, lightly seared beef served over rice with some trimmings. It's really good for breakfast as it doesn't overpower with it's taste.

This chapter fueled by Google Chrome's spell checker and the 2.5 pound bag of skittles I received as a Christmas present from a... Friend.

Don't hesitate to review if you liked it, hated it, want to give me constructive criticism, or flame me. Outraged flaming makes me giggle.