I was utterly perplexed by Seth's gaping mouth. Honestly, did he really think I would fall for his shenanigans? He was obviously a sick puppy, and perhaps even a demented walrus had joined the party inside his brain.
"Are you for real Seth? There is no such person as Mr. Wuffykins! And I bet you Alice's belly button ring that if I were to turn around, you would snipe me on the spot!" I gave him the only menacing glare I could muster and demanded that he set me free.
Seth rolled his eyes. "Whatever Bella. He's right there, waiting for you, and I suggest you turn around. After all, it is your vampire we're talking about."
I felt my jaw drop. "You… with… Edward?"
"Heavens to Betsy no! I was just having a little Christmas fun. A little joke the guys and me came up with. You know how we get bored around the rez."
I heard a smooth, clear voice address me. "Bella? Why won't you face me, my queen?"
My queen? Oh, so now he wants foreplay. I stayed where I was and snuggled up to Seth defiantly. I could feel his chest constrict with surprise.
"Come now, my love. Let us fly into the fray of everlasting night. Together, we will conquer the world." Edward didn't seem a bit worried about my fondling with Seth. In fact, it seemed to… excite him. Ew.
I decided I wanted to get out of this hellhole, even if it meant exaggerated skits with Edward as Tinky Winky and me as Po. As long as my darling was returned to me, I would somehow remain sane in this cruel, cruel world.
I turned to face Edward, the love of my life, and instead was greeted by a demented walrus. Go figure.
Seth leaped up from the couch and knocked me over into the glass coffee table, where I hit my head and began to feel quite woozy. But before I drifted into la-la land, I heard Seth's battle cry, "SNIPE!"