Here I am! Updating! Have a nice read, my loves.

Oh, and thanks to xBadxRomancesx for always reveiwing! They always brighten my day!

Chapter 16- My boy

I walked straight up to the fat vile man, closed my eyes, and stood up straight, waiting to get the lashing that I didn't think I deserved.

But instead, all that came was a harsh voice. But not scolding me, saying, "Mrs. Lovett? Your son was Benjamin Lovett? Curly brown hair, under two years of age?"

I opened my eyes, having not gotten the treatment I was expecting. My body relaxing a little, I put my hands on my hips and my eyes drifted to the door behind the man.

Oh no, what had Ben done to rouse the annoying man to bother me? ...Perhaps…I could see him?

"Yes," I answered, not truly caring. For what were the chances that I would be allowed see him, no matter what he'd done?

I don't know where my mind had been.

I can't believe I didn't see it coming.

"He was found dead in the children's ward this morning,"

At first, I didn't think I had heard him correctly. I turned back to him, narrowed my eyes and without hardly opening my mouth said, "Wot?"

The next words he spoke made the lump in my throat grow so it seemed I could hardly breathe. "Probably scarlet fever."

All it seemed I could choke out again was, "Wot?" This time, my voiced cracked. My mind still didn't seem to comprehend the words that he was saying.

It still hadn't caught up to him when he said, "Can you or anyone you know afford a funeral for him?"

Without thinking about it too much I shouted defensively, "Why do you think I'm in this place?"

The horrid man simply frowned at me and said, "Alright, good day then," He spun on his heel and left, leaving me alone at the front of the room.

My eyes slowly drifted to the floor as the words he had said sank into my head. I felt my forehead wrinkle with so many conflicting emotions. Confusion? Belief? Disbelief? Anger? Sadness?

My hands slipped off of my hips as my muscles seemed to melt and my breath flowed out of me. Suddenly, I was empty; Hollow. Purposeless.

There was a tap on my shoulder. I didn't flinch. "Nellie?" It was Juliet. I turned around, my face blank, my mouth hanging open slightly.

I was confused. Confused for no reason. Could the words he said be any more clear? Yet, I still just stood there.

"Come on," Juliet said, leading me over to my mattress. I sat on the mattress and continued to stare into space. My thoughts were all buzzing so fast that all it made out to be was nothing. Like if you were to write an array of sentences on the same paper in the same place enough times, you wouldn't be able to read anything anymore. I guess that's how you could explain the thoughts in my head at that moment.

"Wot's the matter?" Elizabeth asked

There was a pause. Juliet whispered, "Her boy,"

My boy

I think that's when the words finally sank in. They played over and over in my head like some deadly echo. "He was found dead in the children's ward this morning, probably scarlet fever,"

I closed my eyes that were too sad to let tears fall and let a sob escape my dry mouth that I suddenly noticed was gasping for air at an alarming rate. I felt worthless and weightless and empty. Really. Its hard to find any other way to put it.

Empty

Juliet came behind me and wrapped her arms around my waist. But I couldn't feel her. All the blood in my body seemed to have ran numb.

I thought back to the red haired mum who's son died. I hadn't thought that it would of ever been me…

Is it me? Is Ben really gone? Perhaps I'm dreaming.

Goodness I hope so.

Lights out came without me hardly knowing, me being caught up in my empty thoughts. But suddenly I realized, I was left in the pitch dark room, all alone, with my thoughts racing a mile a minute.

My mind finally registered something-something foolish now that I think about it- I was still sitting on the edge of the bed at an incredibly sore angle. My back hunched over too far, making my shoulders stick out like sparrows wings, my neck bent, and my face hidden in my hands though tears had yet to fall. Yet I didn't want to move. When the master had come in to announce lights out, he had ordered me to lie down. Yet here I still was. Frozen. Not frozen…I was shaking. Shaking because there didn't seem to be anything else to do. I was drained… and moving would just be too much work for something so useless.

Yet, I somehow managed to find the energy, sat up in bed, and hugged my knees to my chest. I looked around the dark room and finally tried to sort my jumbled thoughts.

Ben wasn't at any meals yesterday, or today… not because he was crying or loud… because he was sick… or dead.

The thought hit me like a brick and for a second I think I forgot to breath, not on purpose, I just did.

My boy. My child. My life…gone?

My eyes burned, but didn't cry. How could I not cry? I guess I simply didn't believe it.

It's true Nellie, believe it. You brought it upon yourself. You knew you could never support a child. You knew you weren't fit to be a mum. It's your own fault you're in here. It's your own fault Ben is…

I tried to stop the thought but it came to fast.

…dead

Ben is dead. And it's my fault. All my fault. My boy will never grow up and it's my fault. I'll never get to see him again and it's all my fault.

Ben is dead…

The rest of my energy flooded out of me and my head fell to the side as I struggled to keep another exasperating sob from escaping my throat. Ache racked my throat and stomach as I fought to keep my emptiness and guilt silent.

I couldn't bring my mind to picture his little face like I always use to know it. So happy, so bright, so eager.

Yet, I could bring my mind to imagine him in the last few days. Sick…pale...coughing…dying….without me.

It can't be true.

It can't be true. I know it isn't. They are wrong. They have to be. I have to see for myself. Ben is alright, he has to be. He'll be at breakfast tomorrow. I know it.

I pulled up my head and struggled to overcome my anxiety. Although I wasn't crying, my body still shook and my breathing only came out in gasps.

He's not dead. HES NOT!

I resisted the urge to scream it. To make everyone in the room believe what I believed.

They were wrong. They're always bloody wrong…

Listen to yourself! Nothing you're saying even makes any sense! You wait. Love, just wait. When you see Ben at breakfast tomorrow, you'll know he's ok. For now, get some rest, you need it.

I fell asleep, reassuring myself, repeatedly mouthing over and over, slowly, "He's not gone, it's not true. He's not gone… it's not true…"

Reviews are hugs. Which I think at least Mrs. Lovett needs right now…