So sorry it took so long to update my loves! Our fall play was last weekend, Romeo and Juliet, so I was busy all day doing that. But that's over and I'm back so…

Chapter 17- Denial

I woke up before the morning bell even rang.

Sleep wasn't exactly what I'd like to call sleep. It was in and out. Dreamless. And really all I saw behind my eyes was the dark silhouettes of the beds across the room that had been burned into my vision from staring for so long.

I was awaken by the scream of a young child, though whether that was in my dream or from another room in the workhouse, I wasn't sure. But it was enough to wake me up completely.

The first thing that I noticed in the dark is that I was shivering. The room was cold and I hadn't put on a sheet before I had drifted to sleep. As little as the sheet usually helped, it was something.

I didn't bother to do anything about it. I simply stared into the dim light of the room and prayed for breakfast to come soon.

I need to see Ben.

I need to…

It's dreadful how when you want time to go quickly it just drags on and on.

I was still awake when the bell rang for everyone else to get up. I really didn't want to talk to anyone, so I turned to my side with my back to Elizabeth's bed, hoping that would hint that I wasn't in the mood for chatting.

It took all of the small amount of energy I had to stand up and whisper, "Present," for role. I glanced over at Juliet for a moment while I was up waiting for my name to be called, and the look on her face made me feel guilty that I wasn't speaking to her. Her young face looked so…concerned; so worried. For me. I think the wide eyes and the mouthing of 'Are you alright' was the only thing that kept me from bursting out into tears in anticipation for the breakfast bell to ring. Knowing that someone cares for me… just matters.

I still didn't want to talk though, so I laid back down and let thoughts fill my mind

I need to see Ben…

I didn't know that Juliet was standing there until I felt her tap me on the shoulder, "Nellie?" I didn't move, didn't speak. She continued, fumbling for words, "I'm sorry about your boy. I… I can't even imagine because if…"

I cut her off, still not facing her, "Ben's not gone," I corrected her almost absent mindedly. "He'll be at breakfast, I know it. He's not gone." Saying it out loud seemed to help me believe it. It was silent, but I know Juliet was still standing next to my bed, speechless at what I had just protested.

I cared that she worried, truly I did, but I suppose I just didn't… communicate it well.

"Yes… Yes of course," She said finally and I heard her shuffle back to Elizabeth's bed.

What she said next might of made me angry had I not known in the back of my mind that it was true. She whispered to Elizabeth, "Denial,"

When the breakfast bell finally rang I was the first out of my bed and the first to be staring down the hallway to the dining room.

Perhaps it was the fact that I had gotten up too fast. Perhaps it was the fact that I was now staring down the last stretch to finding out about Ben, but I got dizzy and had to stop walking. But I felt a push from an rudely eager person behind me. So I swallowed the lump in my throat. As I felt my heart skip a beat, I started to walk slowly down the hallway.

The last stretch. After this there can be no more denial.

That didn't keep me from mouthing as we walked, "He's not gone… it's not true. He's not gone… it's not true."

When I got into the silent room, I was suddenly flooded with the fact that I might not be able to face the truth. Instead of immediately looking at the back of the room where the children sit, I found myself not being able to look at all. I sat down in my seat at the front of the room and put my head down.

Perhaps I could go the rest of my life without figuring if Ben was really gone or not. I could never turn around to look for him, and live every day of my life not really knowing. Yes, then I'd never have to face the fact…

But no! Because if he is alive, I need to know. I need to know he'll be there… or not be there… when I go to check us out.

You're going to have to turn around, one time or another.

The prayer was said and the headmaster called for to go serve ourselves. I didn't get up though, I felt sick to my stomach.

Turn around Nellie, it's now or never.

If he's alive, I swear I'll check us out of here right now. Right now we'll leave this place. Back to our home. We'll find a way to get along, we will. No more scares like this.

And if he's dead… well I'm not thinking about that because he's not gone…right?

Turn around Nellie, it's now or never.

What if he's gone? How will I go on? I'll have to, but oh… I don't think I could.

I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath. I had hardly realized it, but my heart was racing, my head was spinning, and my stomach was turning. The anticipation seemed to be killing me slowly inside.

Turn around Nellie, it's now or never… really.

I took in another deep breath and swallowed hard. A chill ran down my back as I tried to get my muscles to work so I could turn around.

Finally, I did.

My eyes darted around in search for the tall girl who took care of Ben and the other boy. What was her name? Ugh…what was her name? Stephanie? Yes, Stephanie was her name.

Find Ben. Find Ben. Find Ben.

I swallowed hard, even though my mouth was completely dry.

What if I can't even find the girl?

My eyes fell upon her. The tall girl with the less then perfect posture and frizzy light brown hair. Stephanie. She was so far across the room today? Why? Perhaps she…

No! Focus on the task at hand.

Find Ben. Find Ben. Find Ben.

Stephanie. He'll be next to Stephanie. Holding on. Holding her hand.

The children were so far away. Why? I guess I'll never know. But I saw Stephanie…

And… a little boy? Yes!

Curly brown hair? Yes!

Oh, but they were so far away, I couldn't tell if the curly brown hair was Ben's or the other boys. It didn't help any that the his back was facing me. Why did the dining room have to be so large? It never seemed this large before. I figure it didn't help that my mind was spinning so fast and I was so exhausted.

If it is the other little boy, does that mean that Ben is…?

I tried not to think about that and focused my energy on whether the boy across the room was Ben or not first.

All I could see was Stephanie. She looked in my direction. Her face… it was red. Still moist with fresh tears. Something for sure has happened…

She looked down at the boy… Ben or not! I need to figure it out or I fear I'll be leaving this place but only because they're taking me to bedlam!

I just about got up and rushed across the room to find out myself… but then my question was answered for me…

The little curly brown haired boy reached up his arms for Stephanie… and she picked him up. And he hugged her, he wanted to be in her arms.

As I observed once, he won't even let the girl who cares for him hold him. He simply grasps her hand and doesn't bother to even look up at her…

And I remembered… Ben didn't...

... Hello? Many silent readers? Yeah, in the words of Taylor Swift "SPEAK NOW!" Let me know what you think!

Thanks for reading!