Here loves =)

Chapter 18- Home

I didn't cry. They taught us here not to. They taught us that crying over anything would be a lashing. They drill that into your head and that's all you know for the rest of your life. Not that I had any energy to cry. Nor had I wanted to. Nor had it seemed I had any tears left.

There's just this thing…this feeling… when you lose a loved one. Especially a child… it just can't be explained. Except for maybe, empty. Just plain empty. And you feel it everywhere. Your chest, your stomach, your mind, your thoughts are empty, your expressions and movements are empty. Your life is empty.

The rest of that day had been awful. There has never been a worse, or longer for that matter, day in my entire life. All I wanted was it just to end. Strangely, I didn't feel any better when it did.

I didn't sleep that night. I don't think I could of even if I had wanted to. All night I just sat in bed staring at the wall across the room. I don't think I blinked for hours on end. I wish I could of slept, perhaps that could of gotten my mind off of things for maybe two seconds.

You see, in life you make up plans with people. You have plans, more or less dreams, and the people in your life are always there in your dreams. You never think of the people in your life just one day disappearing. But sometimes, they do. And suddenly all your plans and dreams… they change.

Dreams of one day getting out of here and holding his hand as he eagerly walks by himself back to the pie shop.

Dreams of unlocking the door to the shop and letting the little boy laugh and smile at the fact that we are finally home.

Dreams of watching him grow up and learn and dreams of how little or how much he could possibly look like me.

Dreams of him someday taking care of his old Mum.

Dreams that are all lost in a millisecond.

Dreams that ended as soon as the girl held that child.

Lying there in bed I found myself still hoping that this was all a nightmare. That tomorrow would come with all of the dreams still alive.

But it didn't

Tomorrow came alright, but it was no better then the day before. It was a dreary morning. I could hear the wind howling outside and see the snow pounding against the windows. Strange how the weather likes to sometimes match your mood.

"Nellie. Deary, did you get any sleep last night?" Were the first words I heard come from the direction of Elizabeth's bed in the morning. I didn't say anything. I don't even remember if I shook my head or not.

To make matters worse, she had to go and say, "He's not coming back. You know this now, right?"

For a second, anger flooded over me and all I wanted to do was strangle Elizabeth for saying such a thing and confirming that, indeed, none of this was a nightmare. But my senses soon caught up. I just closed my eyes and nodded.

Then I stood up. I walked straight for the door. Elizabeth didn't say a word, or try and stop me. I have a feeling that she knew what I was going to do.

I dragged my feet down the hallway, half in a daze. When I got to the door at the end, I was just about run down by the tall and skinny headmaster, leaving the office to go call role.

"Mrs. Lovett," He said to me. I didn't look him in the eyes. "And what are you doing out of your dormitory before the breakfast bell?" He asked, his voice harsh and obviously uncaring for the hopeless look on my face.

I struggled for words, realizing that I hadn't used them in a while. Finally, I choked "Filing me leavin's,"

He huffed for no apparent reason and continued to the dormitories. I walked in the office to see the short fat man resting his feet on the desk. When I walked in he quickly found his posture and sat up straight in the chair.

He cleared his throat, "May I help you?"

Not sure what else to do I repeated the words that I had just said to the headmaster, my voice so monotone and meaningless, "I'm here to file me leavin's,"

He nodded, "Alright. You sit, I'll go get the paperwork," And he left the room.

I would have had no problem with sitting though there didn't seem to be any other chair in the room.

I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror hanging on the wall. I was immediately appalled at my appearance. My face was even paler then I thought it could ever get. All except for my eyes which appeared to be sunken into my head. My eyes were also red and blood-shot, something that was inevitable, despite the fact that I never shed a tear. My mouth was a crack open; I didn't bother to try and close it. My hair was down on my shoulders with the bonnet hardly hanging onto my head. My frown deepened.

This is what life has done to me.

The short fat man entered the room again and set what seemed to be millions of papers on his desk, all ready for me to oh-so happily sit down and fill out. I should have seen it coming, some people even choose staying in the workhouse over filling all of this out, I didn't blame them…

" 'ere you are," The fat man said before leaving the room again without telling me why.

Despite the amount, I filled it out with ease. All it was simple things, asking me how long I had been there, why I had entered, if I had any family leaving with me…

I was just about finished with the fifth page when the tall headmaster entered the room. He looked at me, making me feel uneasy. It still made me jump when he said, "You're suppose to be able to leave three hours after you fill out the paperwork. But it's a storm out there, it is. I advise you stick around until it clears,"

I hadn't wanted to stay in this place any longer then I had to, but he was right. Walking around in a snow storm with nothing but a dress would not only be freezing, but I also doubt I'd be able to find my way home.

So it wasn't till night that I hugged Juliet and Elizabeth goodbye. Both their faces so forlorn, as if I was being sentenced to death, I'd say. It made my heart ache to leave them…but I couldn't stay. It just wouldn't work that way.

So I ignored their teary ears and their tight grips on my hands that didn't want to let go, and silently said goodbye. Words weren't needed in my part, they already knew everything that had to be known.

Elizabeth told me to take care. And Juliet cried as she whispered. "I'll miss you Nellie,"

Before I knew it, I was walking out of the front door of the horrid place that had taken my complexion, my energy, and my son.

And I was facing a dark street in the middle of London, alone. The only thing that remotely made me feel better was the foolish fact that I again had my favorite dress on.

I honestly wasn't sure where to go for a second. It seemed to be years since I last got a gulp of fresh air and walked on the streets, now covered with ankle high snow.

It vaguely reminded me of that night where I had got lost on the London streets so many years ago. Where I had stayed out all night in the rain and gotten sick... Thought…thought I had gotten sick.

At the time, wondering in the streets, it didn't seem I could have been any lower…

Oh, how I was ever wrong.

Soon, I had gathered my bearings and was able to navigate my way in the general direction of Fleet Street. When I saw the faded letters of the pie shop, I was almost in tears.

Home.

I pulled the keys out of the bundle with all the other items we had taken with us, where they had been sense Ben and I had left the shop. Before unlocking the door, I looked up at the window above the shop, slightly happy to be back in an old habit. The blank windows of the old barber shop made getting here all worth the while.

After fumbling with the keys in my numb, shivering hands, and unlocking the door, I walked into the musty smelling pie shop. The whole place was a bitter cold, and I didn't have anything to burn in the fireplace, but I didn't care.

I would have been so happy to see the pie shop

I would have bee so glad to see the cheery wallpaper and smell the smell of flour.

I would have been so pleased to go into my bedroom and see my bed and sleep in it.

I would have been… had the most important thing in my life been there at my side…

I trudged into the living room a sense of dead energy hanging in the air.

I looked at the door to my bedroom and winced then simply collapsed into the chair in front of the empty fireplace.

I wouldn't dare open the door to the bedroom. Not with what's waiting behind that door. Not with the cradle sitting in the corner, waiting for Ben to come home.

Sitting down, I was able to unwrap the bundle that I had received back. The bundle full of things that I had packed up for Ben and I before we left, thinking that we'd get to keep them when we entered.

What was in there should have been enough to make me cry. It should of, but somehow what the workhouse had drilled into my head stayed true, even back in my home.

Next to my coin purse, and the keys to the upstairs apartment was a little blue stuffed bear. Ben's favorite toy. He had slept with it every night before we had left home for the workhouse. I could still see him in my head...cuddling the little thing that almost used to be bigger then him. I had packed it hoping he'd still be able to have it. It hurt dreadfully inside to know that he had spent his last nights without the bear, his comfort… or his Mum.

I curled up in the chair and hugged the bear to my chest. It smelled like him.

Life seemed meaningless that night. It really did. I'm surprised I even had the energy to raise and lower my chest to breath.

Sitting, curled up in my home for the first time in months, I somehow managed to subside the hollow feeling I felt without Ben, and fall into a restless sleep.

Reviews are love and loved as always.

Not over yet! Still a few more chappies!