Here I am!

Back again

And with only a few chapters to go O.o

Chapter 19-Photos

(oh tehe! That all rhymed!)

I hadn't wanted to get up in the morning. So when the sun shone in and forced my eyes open, I closed them again. But there was little success in falling back asleep.

The room was freezing and I was shivering.

It was early, but there was no possibility of me getting back to sleep. All I could seem to think about was that morning only a few days ago... When I had woken up and everything was ok. I wished I was still there.

I realized then that I was still clutching Ben's little bear to my chest. I wasn't sure what to do with it, so I just set the little thing on the ground next to me.

Soon, the coldness that had blanketed me all night was too much to bare. So I got up and moved around, hoping that would help me warm up a little. Standing up was hard, I was exhausted. The chair I had fallen asleep in was not appropriate for anyone looking to get a significant amount of sleep.

Standing there, freezing to death in the cold parlor, one of the worst possible things happened.

My stomach growled.

That's when real life finally caught up to me. It's time to get business back up as quick as possible-or I'll starve. Or in the least bit somehow end up next to Lucy on the streets.

At least supporting just myself will be easier… not that I'd mind life being a little harder in that area…

I turned around the room, struggling to produce enough body heat to keep warm.

I figured I'd have to sell something to get the money to start up business again.

There must be more of Albert's things to sell.

I shivered over to the old closet where Albert's things were kept and went through his box for the millionth time looking for something worth a penny or two. But this time, something struck me before I got too far.

An old wedding picture of Albert and Me. I held it in my hands and sat down on the cold floor.

Because for whatever reason, I couldn't understand why, but I suddenly… missed…Albert. For the first time in two years I missed my dead husband. I missed his voice, his warmth. I missed the feel of his hand in mine. And for the first time possible ever, I wished he was here.

Alive.

Well.

I wished he was still here to gulp down all the food that we can't afford.

I wished he was still here to make a mess for me to clean up.

To help support me by being a man (which he hardly acted) and getting a real job.

To see Benjamin grow up…

I hit myself mentally, and reminded myself for the thousandth time… Ben's gone.

Even if Albert was here, Ben's simply not here to grow up. The thought made my heart want to stop beating and my head hurt. I could feel tears developing, but my will was too strong to let them out.

I stood up off the floor, struggling to regain my composure and my purpose. Now, I simply wanted to hang this picture up. To remind me of all the good times that Albert and I had… well, could have had, perhaps.

But there didn't seem to be any spot on the wall. Everything in the room, even Albert had agreed, was perfectly balanced with it's pictures and decorations. I remember thinking he would haunt me from the grave for simply hanging the baby picture of Ben above the piano where he had wanted the wall to stay clear.

I looked up above the piano with a smile remembering the night I had hung it up… But the smile faded when I saw the soft features of the young child in the photo.

My boy.

I couldn't help but reach up and retrieve the picture from the wall. I wiped the thin layer of dust off the surface of the glass. The only photo I ever had of Ben, the only one we could ever afford. His small round face, only about eight months, smiling cheerfully at the camera as the picture was being taken. It's so hard, so horrible, to know that I'll never see that beautiful face again.

The tears pushed forward, begging to fall down my cheeks. I rejected them.

No! No good tears will ever do you. Nowhere they'll ever get you. Not in this life, tears won't help your future in the least bit.

The soft part of me (Which I sometimes wish would just disappear) argued back.

What future? The future with no tenets, no business, no money, no food? No Mr. Barker, no Ben, no Albert. No life? Tell me. Really, what future am I holding back tears for? Tell me, cause I see none.

I felt so lonely. Ben was gone, he won't be back. My son, my love, my boy. Gone and its all my fault!

I felt anger rise in my still chilled body.

How could I be so foolish to let us go to such a place with disease! I knew it was going to happen! We should of bloody stayed home! We could of gotten by! And even if we couldn't of at least Ben would still be here!

I clutched Ben's picture in my hands even harder.

How could I ever let this happen? How bloody foolish could I be to kill my own son!

The anger finally got to me and I sent the picture in my hands smashing to the ground. I heard the glass in the frame shatter as it hit the wooden flooring and I proceeded to kick the pieces left of the frame across the room.

Then, I collapsed into the nearest chair.

But you want to know the strange part?

I felt better.

I looked down at the picture face down on the floor. I had almost forgotten what was in the frame, now that it wasn't staring at me.

That's when it hit me. That's what I needed to do to heal this. I just needed to forget.

Forget about it.

Forget about Ben.

Forget about the workhouse.

And drill it into my mind, much like how they taught me not to cry.

I nodded as my muscles relaxed in the chair.

It all made sense.

Just forget about it.

I hugged my knees to my chest and widened my eyes in order to stay awake as I repeated out loud over and over again.

"Just forget about it. Just forget about it. Just forget about it. Just forget about it."

"I think she's got a mother obsession. She thinks that she's Mother Lovett, as it were, that she's Mother Nature and she's got this maternal instinct toward people, a bit toward Sweeney and definitely toward Toby. She's a frustrated mother. I made a bit of a thing maybe she was a mother and had lost her child. That might have sent her over the edge,"- Helena Bonham Carter(aka Mrs. Lovett)

And that my friends, is a quote that helped me write this story. I love that quote 3

Do not fear my loves! Tis not over yet!