This was an utter bitch to write. And now I'm even more behind schedule because my computer only works for 15 minutes at a time.

That's also my excuse for the not-replying-to-reviews-thing I've been doing. I really do appreciate reviews guys, and I've gotten some great ones, so thank you so much :)

DISCLAIMER: Not Scott Westerfeld. Hang on…

Chapter Six: Do We Have Any Tinsel?

In which Clare preserves her cover, doesn't come out of the closet, there is a strange conversation that could be taken differently, the Christmas Tree is rocked around and the Lord delivers his people to the Promised Land.

My fists were numb, and felt sticky with blood. I slid down the far wall and stared out into the darkness. There was no way out…

December 10

I'd just run back into the kitchen and stuck my hands into the dishwater when Artemis and Holly stumbled through the door, sopping wet, covered in snow and blue in places that shouldn't be blue.

"What happened?" I asked through gritted teeth.

Artemis flicked on the kettle, but because it was empty it didn't light up. "Tea, please. We will be in our rooms."

I nodded, but kept my eyes on the sink until I was alone. Then,

"Oh fucking fuck." I wrenched my hands out of the (literally) boiling water. They were bright red, the veins standing out from the skin. I stuck them under the cold tap and nearly fainted with relief.

After dumping the snow all over Artemis and Holly, I'd sprinted inside, run upstairs, changed clothes, looked in on the twins (still looking at life Through Heavens Eyes) and slid back downstairs. With one minute to spare (I could see the couple staggering home from the window) I'd filled the sink with the water in the kettle and thrown a few pots in there.

Unfortunately, the kettle had just been boiled. Hence the hands. The things I do to preserve my cover – when my earlobe had been bitten off by an OOC Alice Cullen, I'd strolled into an ear-piercing place and said my stud had gotten caught on my shirt.

Then I'd passed out. Ah, those were the days.

I dried my hands and made the tea, left it outside Artemis and Holly's rooms. Beckett and Myles were occupied.

I sighed, and took the opportunity to sit down for five damn minutes.

December 12

Angeline was back. This was both a good thing and a bad thing. It was good because she could take care of the twins (I didn't miss them or anything), and so I could do the work I was paid for. It was bad because I had to help the crazy woman decorate.

And that was how I found myself polishing the marble floor of the ballroom, missing morning tea and lunch in the process. Yes, the Fowls had a ballroom. No, I hadn't noticed it until that morning. No one had. It was a huge circular room, white marble and gold leaf and swirly carvings.

Polish, polish, polish.

Though the floor was awful fun to slide on.

"Oh my God, Arty and I will have such fun in here! It's ever so romantic!"

I froze mid slide and stumbled.

"I've got the most wonderful dress, too – it shows off my legs and my boobs and matches my eyes!"

My skin crawled as I turned. How could I have missed her getting in.

"It's dark purple, of course, because that's my eye colour. As you can see, because they're so big!"

I completed my turn and there it was – a Mary Sue, white-blonde hair, dressed in 'creative, quirky' clothes – paint covered overalls and a bright t-shirt.

"I suppose this will be the night he sees your inner beauty?" I asked.

"Yes, and we'll have our first kiss on that balcony!" she gestured with a manicured hand. Then she frowned. "You're not after him, too, are you?"

I shook my head. "I'm a…maid. Yes, that's it."

"Well, duh." the Sue shook her head. "Well, I'll leave you to it. I'll go see Artemis in the library."

"No!" I said, and ran past her, blocked the door and locked it. "You should…not see him, and do quirky artistic things until the party…which is in like, ages. Like, a week away. Angeline only sent out the invites this morning."

"I made my dress by hand, you know," said the Sue, taking my arm and walking us out onto one of the balconies.

I shuddered at her soft touch and backed away, glancing around for a weapon. The vases that dotted the edges of the room were Ming or Wing or Fing Dynasty – no chance, Artemis would kill me.

"Where are you going?" the Sue stamped her foot. "Listen to me." She stormed across the room, eyes flashing darker purple. "You, maid. You're a supporting character – FAWN OVER ME!"

The door chose that moment to open, and Artemis chose that moment to enter. The silence after the door clicked shut again was deafening. The Sue and I both turned as one to see him blink in suprise.

"ARTY!"

"Oh, NO YOU DON'T!"

We both ran – she ran at Artemis, I ran at her.

I'm faster.

I tackled her, AFL style and we both came crashing down. Her head cracked against the marble and she went unconscious.

That didn't usually happen. Usually there was beating and tackling and oxygen deprivation and…

"Anti-climatic."

"Usually it's longer." I said, and for some reason I felt embarrassed. "This is weird for me, usually it's full of…actually…"
Artemis frowned.

"You look disappointed."

He shrugged. "You've always talked yourself up about fighting."

I frowned, took off my jumper and started tying the Sues legs together. "Isn't it good I didn't make a mess?"

"I have to go," he said. "I've got…things to do."

I frowned, and continued to tie.

…. …. …. …. ….

I disposed of the Sue the best way I could and ran upstairs with a bottle of bleach. I filled a bucket with some water and the aforementioned chemical before throwing in my t-shirt.

And then my phone rang.

"Amelia, this is not a good time."

"Alex says you dumped a ton of snow onto Artemis and Holly."

I slapped my forehead. "That was like a chapter ago. I've got to un-blood four articles of clothing and figure out where Artemis and Holly have run off to."

"Why blood?" Amelia sounded distracted.

"There was a Sue. In the ballroom."

"You have a ballroom?"

"Ich weiss."

"Huh?"

"I know, it's weird." I leant under the bed and found my notes. Other clichés, other clichés…

"Just wanted to clear the fourteenth with you. Where and when do you want the portal?"

"Um…" I leafed through some pages. "Jesus…I want to get back to Australia by about eight AM, so I can get some work done…"

"Pick you up at seven thirty then?"

"No, quarter to. I'll have to lock Artemis somewhere-"

"No you don't."

"You haven't been in a room-" Or a large, open, snowfilled space, "With Artemis and Holly. He's lucky I haven't-"

"Ah, I know what you mean. Like when you and Matt used to come into a room together and-"

I dropped the folder of notes. "Look, I've got to go-"
"Clare."

"Must dash."

"Major Martin-"

"Fair thee well, Commander."

I clicked off and rifled through the pages. Cliché…here cliché cliché cliché…snowed in, cooking, snow ball fight…tree trimming.

Ah.

Nothing said romantic quite like stringing glass balls onto branches. And I mean that in all honesty.

I kicked the jumble of paper under my bed again and found a new shirt. Butler had dragged the Christmas tree up into the red living room. I remembered because guess who'd had to vacuum up the pine needles?

That's right.

Artemis.

I'd had to settle Beckett who'd broken into the coffee again.

I hurried out of my room and slid down the banister to the second floor. As I passed the cleaners cupboard, I tripped on something and faceplanted.

Odd, because there was nothing to trip on.

I frowned into the rug.

And then something cold was pressed against the back of my neck. Something cold and round.

"Jesus." I said, and got a mouthful of dust and fluff for my efforts. A large hand grabbed my shoulder and pulled me up, face to face with the one and only Artemis Henry Fowl.

"My middle name is-"

"I don't care what it is." I said. I tried to turn and pull a face at Butler, but he pressed his Sig harder into my neck. "Really, Artemis? Using your bodyguard to threaten a fifteen-year-old girl? This is book two behavior." I tutted.

Artemis frowned. "I'd like one activity with Holly to go smoothly."

"This was the deal. You stop being Mr. Romance and I won't dump snow on you. I'm paraphrasing."

"Butler."

Butler pulled me backwards until I hit my head on the cupboard.

"Before you kill me," I said. "Tripwire?"

Both Artemis and Butler nodded. Butler opened the cleaner cupboard door and shoved me into the empty space.

Which was strange, because I should have fallen on a mop.

"Artemis, where's my vacuum cleaner?"

"You'll never know."

With a smirk, he shut the door, enclosing me in cave-like darkness. I heard the key click in the lock, and heavy footsteps receeding.

"I'll come and get you before dinner." said Artemis. "We're having Moroccan-"

"Let me out."

"…Salad and a light-"

"Artemis. I want to get out, now."

"Pasta with-"

The air was getting rather thick.

"Artemis." I banged on the door, hard.

"Miss Martin."

"Let me out."

"I'm sorry-"

"Let me out!"

"Clare, if I could trust you to-Stop hitting the door, it's solid oak."

I banged my fists on the door, hard, and pictured him leaping backwards. "Let me out. I don't, no, I hate little spaces where-"

"Until six."

"SIX?" I wrenched at the handle. "SIX PM?"

Footsteps, receeding.

Jesus.

"ARTEMIS! ARTEMIS! WAIT!"

I stopped bashing on the door. My fists were numb, and felt sticky with blood. I slid down the far wall and stared out into the darkness. There was no way out…

I don't know how long I sat there for. I only knew two things.

1. I had gone into the cupboard just after lunchtime. So I would be there for at least five hours.

2. A giant troll was - no. Wrong mission. Artemis and Holly were off having romantic moments in the dozens, and I wasn't there to stop it.

I hate Christmas.

Sigh. Not my best. Still, I'm going to go for one more chapter tonight and two more before New Years. You should see what I've done to my outline to fit all the stuff I had planned in...

Thanks for being so patient!

Though, I suppose most of you are used to it…

Anyway, I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas – and/or non-denominational holiday!

-Nicola.