II. Letting Go (Tobias)
Post #13: The Change.
Marco looked like he had a lot to say, just that the sheer amount of it all was taking some time to organise in his brain. He averted his gaze from me, and I realised I had been staring too hard at him.
Oops. Need to be more aware.
We were an awkward-looking bunch in the woods, all wearing variations of 'smart attire', as stated in the invitation letter. The invitation I never got, but had seen on Rachel's desk the night after I knew she had gotten the notice on the Packard Foundation Outstanding Student Award. The only one who wasn't in human attire was Ax, but his natural form was bizarre enough to accentuate the awkwardness of the whole scene. And yes, I was in a long-sleeved shirt and pants ensemble just like Jake and Marco. I had gotten Jake to lend me, using Marco as an excuse. Naturally, that was the first thing Marco would talk about.
"Man, I've got clothes to wear. Ralph Lauren, Marc Jacobs, you name it. I don't need Jake to lend me anything. Tobias, next time, get a better cover story."
"Jake bought it," I said, weakly.
"Marc Jacobs, huh." Jake raised an eyebrow.
"Don't you upturn your nose on me," Marco said, before he turned that mocking finger on me. "Now, you're the one supposed to break the silence, not me, you know."
"What did the Ellimist do?" asked Cassie, gently. She was in a very sweet little floral dress, quite un-Cassie, but most definitely picked out for her by Rachel.
And next to me, Rachel – while in a very stylish collared black dress – was not looking very sweet at the moment.
I tried not to look at her as I spoke. "He – he brought me back in time to acquire my human DNA."
Marco whistled.
‹Meddlesome entities,› said Ax, for the umpteenth time. ‹Not to be trusted.›
"What does he want from you? From us?" Cassie wondered aloud.
"I don't know," I said, as evenly as possible. "But I do know that it's a lot easier for me to fight the war now. I can morph any other animal, just like all of you. Only catch is that I have to be in hawk morph to acquire the DNA."
"But Tobias," whispered Cassie. "That's not it. You can be human again."
"No!" My response was immediate, harsh, angry. "It will be a morph, just like any of the other animal morphs that I've acquired and become. I'm not going to leave you all with this–"
"Not going to leave us, but going to lose yourself?"
Rachel's voice was so soft, but yet so bitter that it was clawing at me. I took a deep breath.
"I'm not losing myself."
Rachel stared at me incredulously. "Beyond two hours, you're not yourself anymore."
"Rachel, that's enough," said Jake, wearily tugging at his tie. "Tobias, did he have a condition?"
"Apart from two hours," I eyed Rachel with annoyance, "nothing."
"Are you sure about this?"
"Yes." Any moment of hesitation would send Rachel shooting arrows in my direction in a millisecond. I was hurt and angry by her reaction, by the Ellimist's scheme, by everyone's pity. Tobias the human was weak and would let his emotions overwhelm him. I had a desperate urge to turn hawk immediately so that I could break out of this web of emotions.
"I need to go," said Rachel, in a raspy voice.
The moment she turned, I had my hand on her arm.
"I need some time." She couldn't even look me in the eye. I could have just dismissed it as childish petulance, a stubborn denial. But it was denial of a different kind, something deeper. Rachel means a lot to me, more than a friend, really. And by then, I knew the feeling was reciprocated. But right now, I just wanted her to accept it, to take it in her stride.
If only Rachel knew, that most of the time, I drew my courage from her.
"Let her go, Tobias," said Cassie.
And I did.