III. Seerow of Earth (Cassie)
Post #19: The Decision.

It was pretty much an ordinary day. The norm, you know, just going to the barn and mucking out the stalls and feeding the animals. Getting my overalls stained with all kinds of residue that Rachel would have mocked at. There was a golden eagle that refused to take its pills, and if Tobias saw how it took swipes at me, he would have made another snide remark about saving lost causes. There was a grass snake that needed a couple drops of bacitracin on its wounds, and I was reminded of the time Marco commented how girls were afraid of snakes, but ended up yammering away when I tossed him one.

It made me smile.

I stopped by the last cage.

"You're beautiful," I whispered, as I reached in to stroke the crest of the brilliantly colourful macaw. Red, blue, yellow. Magenta, cyan, chrome. Were there more in-between shades? I could see about a hundred colours, including those that had flitted past my eyes over the last few days, and found myself smiling crazily at the bird. Did it know? Did it know I could see how iridescent those hues were?

I walked out of the clinic, took off my gloves and set the pail down. It took only a second for a shuddering feeling to overcome me. I had to squat down to stop shaking, and before I knew it, my eyes began to blur with hot tears.

"Cassie?"

I sprang back up again, hurriedly trying to wipe my face, but it was of no use. Jake leapt off his bicycle, not caring that it clattered to the ground, and ran towards me. He grabbed my hands, not very roughly, and stared at me. Now I really wanted to bury my head in the ground.

If Jake had asked, "Why are you crying?", I think I would have just lost it and blacked out. My head was spinning, and something inside me was expanding and constricting at a crazy speed. But it seemed that Jake was quite aware of what was going on with me. Before I could feel awkward, he had swiftly taken my hand and led me into the barn. Then he set me against the bales of hay, rubbing circles on my temples. He didn't stop until my heavy breathing subsided into regular puffs of breath.

I shifted a little to prop myself up, unclenching my fists.

"Need some water?" He cracked a crooked little smile. A very sweet smile, that made my heart ache.

"It's okay."

There was a moment of semi-awkward silence.

"Jake," I finally managed to say. "Don't you want to ask me why?"

"Why what?" He looked surprised.

"Why – why I chose to do it."

"You mean, why you chose to give us away to a Yeerk?"

I froze. Jake's voice had changed into something thick. Dangerous. Challenging.

"Jake..."

For the past few days, Jake had not talked to me. Neither had the others. Rachel had blatantly avoided me in school, and Marco managed a weak smile, which was so unlike him. Even Tobias didn't fly by. I knew if I went to find Ax, I would be shunned, too, for what I had done was one of the greatest betrayals ever.

It was like after they had expended so much effort to save me, my very human presence had undone it all.

I swallowed hard. "Jake, have you ever taken a gamble in your life?"

He didn't reply, only looking at me with eyes narrowed.

"As our leader, you have, that's for sure," I whispered, looking away. "Countless of risks. Countless of times when you reached a junction and go, is this the right route to take? What happens if I take this route? It's okay if it leads nowhere, but what if it leads to the wrong thing?" I was babbling, and I knew it. "No, I mean..." I found myself deflating. "What if we can do this another way?"

No response.

"If they could see another way out of this mindless infestation, maybe they would be living on their own and not bothering anyone else. It was a very, very risky gamble, but now we know that they want this alternative. If we find it, then things can be different."

Jake drummed his fingers against a stool beside him. "Cassie, why are you telling me all these?"

"I don't want you to think I was selling us out."

He stared at me. Then finally, he got up and sat right next to me. Instinctively, I leant my head against his shoulder, and he put an arm around me. A tingling went through me, for Jake and I are not really the physical type. We just – pardon the cheesiness – sort of know we're there for each other. Jake's like this dependable guy whom everyone knows is their backing, and I know that he's especially mine. But after this episode... I wasn't sure if I could even count on him.

"Cassie," he said, slowly. "I was really angry when I found out what you had done. When Karen was telling us everything that happened, god, I swear I wanted to kill her. But when Marco was going to do what I wished I could, I suddenly felt like if we killed her, we'd undo everything you'd gone through. You'd trusted Aftran, and you're not stupid, Cassie, so how could I just assume that you were wrong?"

Now he really made me want to cry.

"I know what you were thinking. I know that it's a tempting choice to try to take the easy way out. But you have to know that for all those little peacekeepers, they're still a hell lot of those worms who're out for our blood. Human blood."

I gave an involuntary shudder; Jake must have felt it, for he squeezed me tighter.

"You weren't wrong to take that gamble. But it's not something to do again. You got lucky that Aftran was telling the truth, that she really let Karen go. But what does this mean for her? Not take another host and spend her life as a blind, helpless Yeerk in that Yeerk pool? How can she help us if she doesn't take over another creature? She'll only take on another host, and that's it."

"She won't enslave them," I argued. "It's the fact that she's willing to let go."

"What if Karen got recaptured?"

I felt another shudder run through me.

Jake sighed, evidently deciding not to press further. "Cassie, even if there's a peace movement, it's going to take ages before they actually can rally together."

I hung my head. "Jake, I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for? That you felt this was too much for you?"

"No, that I gave up."

"It's because of you that we've found another way to deal with things," said Jake, cracking a little smile. "Just don't do it again. That's probably enough alternatives we're going to churn up for the moment."

"But the rest..."

"I've called them over," said Jake, and I leant out of his arms, staring at him in surprise. "Half an hour's time. Take your time, I'm sure they'll understand."

I don't know how much time I would take. Tobias might understand, but Marco and Rachel would be tearing me apart with rage and sarcasm. Ax – what I had done was the ultimate betrayal in his eyes, just like Prince Seerow had betrayed the Andalites by giving hope to the Yeerks – I don't know if he'd ever forgive me. But at the moment, I had Jake, and it was enough.

God, sometimes Jake made me so guilty and sad, and loved – all at the same time.

He reached out with one hand, slightly awkwardly, to thumb away another tear on my cheek. I wished I could kiss him right there. Except for the fact that at that very moment, my mom yelled,

"Cassie! Are you done with the feeding? I need you to shovel the pile of manure at the back of the barn!"

I managed a smile at Jake, who was rolling his eyes good-humouredly. "Guess we both have responsibilities to deal with."