One Week Later

Claire

It's been a week since she left, but to me seems like an eternity I mean ... what did I do wrong?

Not even a phone call? An email? I thought she at least cared a bit about me but apparently I was wrong… as always!

I mean I don't know if she is the cause of this, but lately I have been feeling ermmm I don't know maybe dead is the right word… nothing seems to matter anymore, I barely go to any class, most of the times i catch myself looking at my phone.. Hoping to get a call from her..But it never came. Friends? Yeah I met people… they all seem nice and all…But I don't seem to fit, I can't understand the way they think and act … so most of the time I just listen, smile and nod, seems to work and at least I don't let anyone else in and let myself be hurt again had enough of that those days.

Funny, I Thought that all I needed was a normal life but now I realize that all I ever longed for was a friend, for someone like Gretchen… I try not to think of her, I try not to be mad at her but I can't help it, it's stronger then me… if she really cared she would have stayed..Here... With me! I know I'm being selfish, GOD she almost died and I bet sometimes she must think I'm some kind of monster underneath my appearance…I would think that of myself if I were her.. She had more then good reasons to go... I understand I really do…

Well...

No actually I don't … I mean she kisses me, says she is"crushing on me", makes me laugh and forget the mess my life is, makes me feel special and unique not because of my ability but for being just me… Everything was easy when she was here, and well needless to say that I only realized how much she means to me and how much I Need her in my life when she decided to leave…maybe she got bored of me, I don't know…GRRRRRRRRRRR stop I don't want to think anymore, why am I so hurt anyway its not like I didn't knew this was going to happen, and it's not that I'm in love with her right?.. I can't.. She Is a woman…I never fancied girls before… I didn't even considered it in my life… So why am I so confused? Why do I cry every night? Why do I keep replaying that kiss in my head? Why did my heart jumped every time her eyes were on me?

Why? WHY. WHY? So many questions and the only person that can answer them is not here! But life Goes on…And I can't keep feeling sorry for myself, I'm the indestructible girl.. And I never was a victim… so why do I feel like victim... of a broken heart?

Maybe I should go to the carnival after all, it's not that I have something keeping me here, all of sudden a normal life isn't enough for me.. And I need more… I need to feel alive again!

Gretchen

Awww it's so good to be home, with my family, old friends… MY BED how I missed my bed…I can smell the food coming from the kitchen... God I'm starving this week was a blur; I made sure I wouldn't stop a second at home. I need to keep busy, to keep my mind busy... I didn't waste any time I'm already in a new college near home and making friends…seems good enough… everything is perfect and I'm so glad I made this decision I mean… the college was great an all.. But this is home... This is where I belong….Right?

Arghhhhhhhh who am I trying to fool here?I don't want to be here, I don't want to go to that college... I don't want any of these… my Body is here but my heart and soul are with her… God I'm so stupid, I should have stayed… I don't even have the courage to call her… she must be pretty disappointed with me, maybe even hate me… Nah probably she didn't even noticed I wasn't there... her life is so complicated I'm sure she has more important things to think about and already made new friends and stuff… she didn't call so she probably don't need me.. she never did needed me.

I can't seem to get her out of my mind thou, she is always there… her eyes full with tears when I was leaving, the taste of her lips, the way she would go on and on about wanting a normal life and the way she always laughed at my jokes even when there weren't funny at all… it amazed me that she couldn't see how gorgeous she is, how special and her smile.. Oh her smile... I think I could look at her for hours and it wouldn't be enough, sometimes I look at some pictures we took on my phone and I just stare… I can't believe I let her go I think I made the worst mistake of my life and all because I was scared… sure she think it's about Becky, but the truth is I turned my back on my own feelings… I know she didn't felt the same way about me, that she would never be mine… but I think I love her, and I think coming here made me realize that just by being next to her and have the privilege to be called friend was enough for me… I wanted more then she could ever give me…and she was nothing but honest to me… she trusted me… and I turn my back on her when she needed me, hell I never had a friend or even boyfriend/girlfriend that cared and worries about me as much as she did… sometimes it was even annoying how many times she asked if I was ok…or when she was away taking care of her " issues" she would call or text to make sure I was fine and to tell me she also fine and that she was missing me…and what do I do? I freak out and run away at the first opportunity…

I should call…

I should text…

I need to hear her voice again… I need HER!

No... I can't... I don't even know what to say or do… she's probably angry at me… I feel Ashamed, she was my best friend and I ruined it all, and now I'm here… looking at her pictures and regretting my decision every second! She also haves my phone number and she knows how to reach me... Maybe she will call me…