Author's Note: Hi again! I just want to thank everyone who's read, reviewed or added this story to their alerts. I was so motivated by the response that I decided to get a new chapter up as soon as possible. So here's little bit of Rachel's perspective before things start to unravel.
She returns from winter break with a new outlook on life and a new wardrobe to match. After spending nearly two weeks locked up in her room listening to her "Songs of Heartbreak" playlist and writing lengthy facebook messages of apology to the boy she's loved for as long as she can remember, she had finally tired of hearing her own cries.
She knows she messed up and she wishes every day she could undo her little make out session with Puck, but the truth is, she believes Finn is being irrational. Yes she hurt him when she cheated on him but he hurt her when he lied to her. Why couldn't he see that the two were connected? And why wasn't she rewarded for being honest about her little indiscretion? She starts to believe the saying "the truth will set you free" is nothing more than a cruel joke and that promises made by teenage boys are complete bullshit. He said he'd never break up with her, but at the first sign of trouble he walks away, because she's not worth it.
The Saturday before she was to return to school she convinced her fathers that she needed new clothes. They permitted the shopping spree because it's the first time she had left the house all break and they were worried.
She knows her strengths (her voice, her determination and her willingness to forgive) but she also knows her weaknesses (her stubbornness, her selfishness and her fashion sense), so she wisely asked Kurt to accompany her. The two have been on much better terms since he transferred to Dalton Academy. She tells him it's because he's no longer a threat to her position as New Direction's top vocalist, but she knows it's because they actually have a lot in common, including the fact that they'd both never admit to having a lot in common.
He picked her up at her house and when she jumped into his Escalade, he flashed a sweet smile and gave her a quick peck on the cheek. It may seem like a routine greeting between two friends who haven't seen each other in a while, but she hasn't had many friends and it felt nice because he seemed genuinely happy to see her.
As soon as they arrived at the mall, Kurt got to work. She thinks he must have had her try on over a hundred different things but she didn't complain. He was doing her a favor and she needs to start acting, and by extension, dressing less like Rachel Berry. So she allowed him to dress her up like his very own Barbie doll and didn't object to the low cut tops or the short dresses he suggested.
"He's just as depressed about this as you are, you know," he said as she stepped out from behind the dressing room curtain.
Rachel looked at the boy in confusion. Was Finn really upset? She wanted to ask a thousand questions but didn't want to seem desperate. "I'm not depressed," she replied finally, her head cocked slightly as she took in her reflection in the floor length mirror.
Kurt laughed heartily. "Oh please, sweetie. If anyone can spot a self-pity shopping spree, it's me." He nodded his approval at the couture dress she was wearing and she once again disappeared behind the curtain to change.
"This isn't about pity," she called out from behind the thick blue fabric. "I just need a change." She convinces herself it wasn't really a lie because it's at least partially true.
"Whatever you gotta tell yourself," Kurt called back.
A couple of minutes later they walked towards the register, a dozen articles of clothing tossed over their arms. "Really, Kurt, I may have been upset at first, but I'm moving on. Finn has made it perfectly clear he wants nothing to do with me and I won't go chasing after him like some lost puppy, not again."
Kurt shook his head slightly. "He doesn't want nothing to do with you, Rach. He's just hurt and too much a guy to do anything about it."
"Why? Did he say something to you? About wanting me back?" she asked hopefully.
"I thought you were moving on," he retorted, obviously amused by her eagerness. "And no, he hasn't said anything but I can tell. He's mopey and moody and all around unpleasant. He won't admit it but it's obvious he's real broken up about losing you. I never understood it but that boy had it bad."
Rachel ignored the little insult Kurt tacked onto his response because he's currently the only semblance of a friend she has and she's sure he didn't mean anything by it. "Can you do me a favor?" she asked after some deliberation. "Don't tell him about this."
Monday morning she dons her new clothes and heads to school unsure of what to expect. Finn hasn't answered any of her texts or facebook messages and she hadn't spoken to any of the Glee kids since before Christmas. She feels sort of like she did on her first day of high school, except she's not as naive and she's better dressed.
She gets through most of the day without saying a word, a new accomplishment for her. It's not that she doesn't want to talk but no one says hi or asks her what she did over the break so she doesn't volunteer the information. There's at least one glee member in each of her classes but none of them seem to notice her waiting anxiously for their attention.
In class, she doesn't raise her hand when her teachers ask ridiculous questions her simple-minded classmates can't answer but she'd know in her sleep because that's what the old Rachel would have done.
She contemplates skipping glee practice after school but thinks that might be a bit overdramatic and the new Rachel doesn't do overdramatic. So she sits by herself and sings quietly along with the group, not socializing with the other kids or taking the bait when Mr. Shue asks if anyone has any suggestions for Regionals. She'll be keeping her suggestions to herself from now on. No need to give them more ammunition in their war against her.
During a riveting Mercedes solo she steals a glance at Finn. He appears to be watching the performance intently but when Santana leans over and whispers something in his ear, Rachel catches the goofy grin on his face and her heart breaks a little more. God, she loves that smile.
She swallows the hurt that seems to be forming a lump in her throat and focuses on the performance. Maybe tomorrow she will skip rehearsal. They won't miss her.
It's three weeks into the new year and Finn has yet to say a single word to her. She starts to skip glee practice regularly but the club doesn't seem to notice or care. Except for Mr. Shue, who seems more concerned about their chances at regionals than her well being.
"Is everything alright, Rachel? You've missed rehearsal twice this week." He corners her after Spanish class one day and she's finally forced to speak to someone in Glee.
She doesn't bother coming up with an excuse as to why she's missed so much rehearsal. "I just haven't felt much like singing, Mr. Shue."
"Aren't you concerned about regionals? We only have a couple of months to prepare."
She shrugs. "I'm sure you'll come up with something great for Quinn or Santana to sing. I should be able to learn the backing vocals and choreography easily."
When he frowns at her she realizes she's seen that look from him too many times before. She always seems to be disappointing people. "Rachel, I thought you understood why I didn't give you a solo at sectionals. I was just trying to explore other sources of talent within the group."
"I don't care about solos anymore, Mr. Shue. I don't care about any of it. Explore however you like," she tells him. She imagines her words are coming across as bitter but that's really not the case. She's just had enough.
He frowns again and reminds her that she made a commitment to the team. She may be tired of it all but she doesn't break her promises. So she goes back to swaying in the background, watching her teammates and her ex-boyfriend joke around and sing happily. Eventually just walking into the choir room is enough to make her feel like she's choking.
There's a boy in her English Literature class whom she catches staring at her one day. She attributes his sudden interest to her new revealing attire, but his eyes on her start to make her feel uncomfortable. His stare is so intense. She glares back at him, assuming he'd turn away in embarrassment at being caught staring, but instead he smiles at her and she feels something inside her stir. It's not like Finn's sweet goofy smile or even Puck's charming cocky smile, it's dark and sort of predatory and she likes it.
::Thanks for reading. I hope to get the next chapter written and posted soon.