Characters belongs to Stephenie Meyer. This is just a fanmade story by me.
Holy f*ck. There are no words for this. There are no words to describe how sorry I am for not updating this story earlier. I feel really bad thinking about it being, like, 2-3 months since my last on this one. And that was only a teaser as well. :(
Can you guys ever forgive me? - And what's my excuse?, you may ask. Well, school. It's been stressful as hell. So has my life been in general. It's been killing me. I've had blocks for every story, really, for a long time, too. It's been awful! :(
Anyways... I've decided to do this... I've divided "Carpe Diem" into two parts. They're both really long. And the next one you'll get ASAP, I promise. This is the first one.
Also, I'm on Twitter now. You can find link to mine on my profile. It's stated as my Homepage. You'll get quicker updates there on what's going on with my stories and what-not. :)
Btw, Carpe Diem (latin) = Seize the day (English)
...NOW ENJOY!!
Carpe Diem: Part I
Jasper's POV
"I love you," I whispered quietly into her ear after a while, when I was fairly sure she'd fallen asleep. It brought such an amazing feeling to let it out in the open, even if she was asleep and couldn't hear me.
But still, I had said it, as I couldn't lie to myself anymore.
I love Isabella Swan.
I love her.
So much.
The smile on my lips was unevitable as I watched her peaceful figure sleeping soundly before me. Gently, I reached out and put the hair that had fallen in front of her face behind her ear, where it belonged. She was too beautiful to be hidden behind a curtain. If she'd let me I would show her how gorgeous she really was, but I knew she wouldn't let me, even if I could get her to like me the same way I did her.
Her eyelids suddenly began to flutter, and I pulled back slightly, wondering if she was about to wake up. She didn't. Instead, to my surprise, she began to talk in her sleep. I remembered Edward mentioning that before all of this happened, but I had never heard it myself until now.
"I... love you... too..." she murmured softly, and I thought my heart was going to explode with all the feelings I felt within me at her words. Joy being the emotion that ruled all else. Hope and faith being tied second.
She loved me, too!
If I'd been human I was sure my cheeks would've been hurting from the wide smile that occupied my face. Elation and pure happiness ran through me, and I felt blissful.
"...Edward... Jasper... no..."
I stopped breathing, and just stared at her beautiful face.
She looked torn, sad... so miserable that I just wanted to hold her, and comfort her; to have her in my arms. I wanted to kiss her, and make the pain go away. I wanted to heal her wounds.
"...Don't go... Stay... Edward... Jasper.."
She breathed a heavy sigh.
Second after second passed by with me just waiting anxiously to see if she would say anything else, but, to my disappointment, she never did. Her body shifted around restlessly the whole night, though, and all I wanted to do was to wake her up from whatever dream she was having, and take her in my arms and tell her that everything was going to be alright, that I was here for her. Always.
I kept wondering what she was dreaming about, kept trying to figure out what her mutterings meant – the only reason I didn't wake her up. It didn't exactly look like she was enjoying it very much. She kept repeating both mine and my brother's name, and that frustrated me more anything else. Hearing Edward's name on her lips while she was sleeping... it was quite literally killing me. She was dreaming about him for crying out loud! And I didn't even know what her dream was about. It could be anything. And that anything made me more and more depressed by the minute, not knowing what she was feeling, whom she loved.
Me or Edward?
All night long I stayed by her side, sitting on the floor next to her bed, feeling the need to be as close to her as possible without making her feel uncomfortable. That's why I didn't lie down on her bed again, like I'd done the day before. I didn't want a repeat, even if she'd kissed me then – the one thing that I wanted her to do every second that we both were breathing. But she'd only think I was Edward then and that would upset her all over again, because he'd left her here, broken. He left her in pieces, pieces I was now trying to pick up and reassemble.
When she woke up the next morning her hair was all a mess, like a hay stack almost, but it actually looked good on her - But what didn't?
"Hello, beautiful," I smiled at her, resting my cheek against her soft pillow. She only blinked at me. Still sleepy, I guessed.
"What time is it?" she yawned, sitting up in bed, stretching a little.
"To be exact, it's 11.36AM."
"WHAT?!" she cried so suddenly that she almost made me jump. Her eyes widened with horror. "Why didn't you wake me up earlier?!"
"I thought you could use the rest.."
It was then that I remembered what she'd said in her sleep, and it kind of made me feel more reserved. I decided right at that moment that I would let her make the next move. It was her turn to show where her feelings laid.
Me or Edward, Bella?
May the best man win.
Bella's POV
Before I fell asleep last night I was somewhat sure that I had heard someone whisper, "I love you." into my ear. But it had been so faint, though, and as I'd been so tired as well, I wasn't sure if I had just imagined it or if it had really happened. Just by thinking about it, imagining that perhaps Jasper really felt that way about me, made me feel all warm inside.
- - -
"I thought you could use the rest.."
"Yeah, yeah." I grumbled, drawing my hands lazily through my knotted hair. "But I wanted to get up early though."
"Why?"
"Because it feels like the whole day's gone by otherwise and that I didn't do anything. Feels like I just wasted time for nothing when I could've done something important, something significant.."
"Carpe diem." Jasper said serenely, getting up from the floor. He looked at me first with no emotion, and then he raised an eyebrow and smirked.
"What?" Of course I knew what Carpe Diem meant, but I didn't get fully why he said it.
"Seize the day, Bella. Do something out of the ordinary, and you'll see..." he said. "Get out from your comfort zone, and do whatever you feel like... and the day won't be in vain after all. Carpe diem."
I stared at him in confusion, feeling as if I was missing out on something here. What was he talking about? Yes, he wanted me to 'seize the day' – that was obvious, but it was quite clear to me that he was implying something, something that I just couldn't put my finger on.
"Well," Jasper said then, breaking my little reverie. "I have to go hunt quickly. Haven't eaten for a week now, so it's about time. Wouldn't want any accidents now, would we?"
"Oh," I mumbled, feeling a bit disappointed. But I could understand his reasoning though. Of course he should eat. "Okay."
"I'll be back later though..."
I smiled at him, and he gave me a quick smile in return right before he darted out of my window, leaving me behind here, all alone. I frowned at my predicament.
What was I supposed to do now?
I let out a heavy sigh as I glanced over at the window, which Jasper had just disappeared out of. Now I had a few hours of solitude ahead of me and I had nothing to do.
Oh joy!
I just sat up in bed for about 20 minutes, just staring at whatever was in front of me. I didn't really think at all. I just... was. No real thoughts passed through my mind whatsoever.
My eyes slowly drifted around the room and I suddenly noted that I hadn't cleaned it in what seemed like ages. My books were scattered all over my room, Wuthering Heights being the closest one to me in distance – it laid in the corner, next to an old gray sock.
I loved that book, really, I did, but I'd begun to associate it with Edward lately and it didn't make me feel too happy about it anymore. That was probably why it was laying in the corner. It was kind of like me in a way: forgotten, alone, getting all dusty and even more unwanted by the second...
These last few days had really taken a huge toll on me, and the only one who knew that besides me was Jasper. He knew exactly how much I was really suffering, as he suffered in the same way. Well, almost in the same way because it wasn't like Alice had been about to propose to him.
Edward had.
And Jasper was also lucky in another way - he could make himself feel happy even if he really wasn't deep down. I suddenly felt jealous of him, wanting to be able to move on like Edward obviously did. But at the same time, I didn't want to move on, because what if he came back? What if Edward came back for me again?
My heart began to pump a little faster and my breathing quickened slightly.
Another one of my favorites were out of the picture as well. Romeo & Juliet laid under a couple of random papers on my desk. I couldn't even remember the last time I'd read in that one, either. It felt like ages ago. Like a completely different lifetime.
And maybe it was a sign to make me move on, the fact it was hidden underneath everything else, that I could barely see it. Maybe Edward wasn't my true love after all, maybe I just hadn't found my 'the one' yet. Maybe I even knew him already...
Or, just maybe, I should just stop reading love stories because they just depress me even further.
I got up from my bed and decided that I would clean my room up as soon as I'd taken a nice, warm shower and eaten breakfast. Well, lunch was more like it seeing as my alarmclock said it was 11.17am now.
A few minutes later I hopped into the shower, and let the warm water caress my skin. My body felt so tense, and the soft touches of the water made my muscles relax in a pleasant way. It ran down my back and I exhaled breathily, resting my forehead against the wet tiles. It felt nice.
I put on a pair of gray sweats and a midnightblue tee that I'd gotten from my closet earlier afterwards, before I headed downstairs. This outfit was very comfortable, and it suited me. At least that's what I thought myself. I don't think Alice would've agreed with me there.
At the thought of her, my former best friend, a sudden pang in my heart made its appearance known. It hurt to think of how I'd driven her away like that, and how I'd cheated on Edward, making him leave me as well. I felt so alone now, without Jasper here as well. He somehow managed to keep me whole, to an extent. He was like my new Jacob.
Often when Jasper was around I still felt incredibly sad over the loss of Edward, but then somehow also happy because I had him here to take care of me. He knew just how to tend to me when I felt especially low. He knew exactly what to say to calm me down when I was upset. It really was amazing.
He was amazing.
When I was downstairs I got myself nothing too special. Just cereal - With milk, of course. I downed it quite quickly - it took about five minutes or so, which was pretty fast for being me. I usually took a while even if I tried to eat faster sometimes. But now I wished I hadn't done that, though, because now I was left to that quiet alone-time that I didn't like. At least the cleaning would distract me from thinking about... things. I even cleaned the bowl I'd just used longer than needed, treating it like it was a porcelain doll, touching it very lightly.
Another five minutes later I found myself in my room again, staring at all the papers on my desk, which was lying on top of different books and cds. After rummaging through it all I stumbled upon my first cd by Linkin Park that I'd lost a while ago. I decided to put it on while I was cleaning – working like another distraction.
When I pretend everything is what I want it to be
I look exactly like what you had always wanted to see
When I pretend, I can't forget about the criminal I am
Stealing second after second just cause I know I can but
I can't pretend this is the way it'll stay I'm just
(trying to bend the truth)
I can't pretend I'm who you want me to be, so I'm
I began with picking all the different little notes and papers up and putting them into separate piles, so it was easier to see what should go where; what I would throw away and what I would keep. There were a lot of random doodles, some with neverending spirals and weirdly-shaped loops, and some saying E & B in tiny little hearts. I scrunched those ones up rightaway and threw them into the bin. But, as usual, I missed it and so I had to go and pick them all up from the floor and drop them into the bin properly.
(Lying my way from you)
No no turning back now
(I wanna be pushed aside so let me go)
No no turning back now
(Let me take back my life, I'd rather be all alone)
No turning back now
(Anywhere on my own cause I can see)
No no turning back now
(The very worst part of you is me)
I was actually quite surprised by the real disarray on my desk. Usually I had all my things in order, but right now that surely wasn't the case. Another note I found had Mrs Edward Cullen written all over it. I remembered that afternoon, when I'd written that one. I wanted to see and feel what that'd be like, to be Mrs Edward Cullen, as I knew that wasn't possible for us. Edward had said so himself.
But I guess he lied...
I remember what they taught to me
Remember condescending talk of who I ought to be
Remember listening to all of that and this again
So I pretended up a person who was fittin' in
And now you think this person really is me and I'm
(Trying to bend the truth)
But the more I push the more I'm pulling away 'cause I'm
...Or just doubted himself, like always.
The one thing I found that surprised me the most, though, was a photo of Edward and me, lying face down on my desk, underneath all the papers. I gently picked it up and brushed the little dustparticles that had gathered on it away with my sleeve, looking at it warily, remembering the time it had been taken.
Edward had joked about our relationship progressing too fast for him and said two dates weren't enough. He wanted to court me properly. "You are truly testing my innocence, love." he had said with a smirk. "Two dates – I don't even know you after two dates. And I have already lost my innocence. You're stealing it away with every move you make, Bella."
I, of course, blushed furiously at that.
The same second he had said that, Alice had run into the room and snapped a photo of us together: Edward had his arms around my waist, and my hands rested lazily on his chest, as we were both looking lovingly into each other's eyes.
(Lying my way from you)
No no turning back now
(I wanna be pushed aside so let me go)
No no turning back now
(Let me take back my life I'd rather be all alone)
No turning back now
(Anywhere on my own cause I can see)
No no turning back now
(The very worst part of you)
(The very worst part of you is ME)
My eyes began to prickle, and so I put the photo back down, laying it face-down again. I couldn't bear to see it anymore. It just hurt too much.
This isn't what I wanted to be, I never thought that what I said would
have you running from me
Like This
This isn't what I wanted to be, I never thought that what I said would
have you running from me
Like This
This isn't what I wanted to be, I never thought that what I said would
have you running from me
Like This
This isn't what I wanted to be, I never thought that what I said would
have you running from me
Like This
I continued on with my cleaning and, after what felt like forever, I was finally done. Everything was back in their rightful places and I smiled at what I had accomplished today, feeling satisfied with myself for the first time in a long time.
(You)
No turning back now
(I wanna be pushed aside so let me go)
No no turning back now
(Let me take back my life I'd rather be all alone)
No turning back now
(Anywhere on my own cause I can see)
No no turning back now
(The very worst part of you)
(The very worst part of you is me)
After I was done I was right back at where I'd started; having nothing to do. I wanted Jasper to come back because this solitude was killing me.
I went back to sit on my bed, and I found myself glancing back to my desk every once in awhile, back at another photograph that laid face-down. There was this pull towards it - A very strong pull. And a part of me wanted to go back and look at it, but another part warned me not to do so. It would bring back the tears, no doubt, but it was worth it. It would rip my heart out, possibly, but it would still be worth it.
Slowly, I got up and walked over to it. My hands were shaking a little as I reached out for it, picking it up. At first I just stared at it, looking at all the little details. But after awhile I found the courage to really look at it.
The picture was of Edward, smiling at me, the photographer.
"You know..." I said after awhile to him, going back to my bed to sit down. "I don't know why I did it." I sighed, pausing for a second. "I mean, I know it was wrong of me to kiss him, but for some reason I just couldn't stop myself." Another pause. "I can't say that I regret that kiss, really, no matter how much I wanna say I do, because it brought me Jasper, and he cares for me. He really does. And I think he might even love me..."
I traced the contours of Edward's face. "But I miss you. I want you to come back to me. I love you. Forever."
A single tear ran down the side of my face as I put it back down, facing it against the wall.
- - -
A few hours later, around 3pm, Jasper returned. He knocked on the frontdoor twice before I had a chance to open up for him. I felt releaved to have him back here, at home.
"Hey," I smiled as I opened the door, revealing a very wet Jasper out on the porch. He really looked like a male model standing there in the pouring rain.
Beautiful... Like Edward.
I could feel a lump forming in the back of my throat.
"Hi," he smiled back. "May I come in?"
"Of course," I stepped aside so he could walk past me. "You know you're always welcome here, Jasper. No need to ask."
"Thank you."
Was it just me or had he suddenly become more reserved around me?
It was sort of scary, and it made me feel self-conscious. Where was the casualness from before? He seemed almost like a robot to me now, the way he moved and spoke. It was creeping me out. I missed my Jasper; the one who was ridiculous most of the time; the one who made me smile and feel secure; the one who didn't make me feel not good enough.
The one who made me feel just right.
But perhaps he'd tell me later if something was up – he must know I was here for him just as much as he was here for me after all. I would never turn on him, I would never leave him, unless he asked me to. He must know that.
He'd tell you if something was wrong, I kept telling myself. Trust him. He trusts you, right?
"How're you feeling?" I asked him, trying to make it sound casual, still sort of freaked out by his remoteness.
The corners of his mouth pulled up into a gentle smile, as he walked into the livingroom. I followed him.
"I'm fine, thank you," he said politely. "And you?"
"I'm alright."
We sat ourselves down on the couch in silence. I brought my knees up to my chest, enveloping them with my arms while resting my head on them, watching Jasper carefully. Something was different about him. Had it something to do with his recent hunt or was there something else going on that I didn't know, something he wasn't telling me? I didn't know what it was yet, but I intended on finding his secret out sooner or later.
"So, what did you do while I was gone?" he asked me after a couple of minutes had passed.
"I took a shower, ate, cleaned my room." I told him and shrugged. "Nothing too fun. Did you enjoy your hunt?"
"It was... satisfying. Found a herd of deer a couple of miles from here..." he admitted, seemingly unwillingly, as he glanced once at me with uncertainty in his honey-eyes. Perhaps he was afraid of saying too much, that he'd scare me? I smiled back at him, letting him know I was fine, that I wasn't afraid.
He let out a breath, relaxing a little bit more, but he was still pretty tensed up.
"So... did you do what I told you to do?" he suddenly asked, a small smile forming on his full lips.
"What?"
I hadn't realized he'd asked me to do something while he was away. Suddenly I felt stupid and self-conscious for not understanding what he meant, and obviously because I hadn't done what he'd asked me to do earlier.
"Did you do something out of the ordinary?" he explained.
Oh. "Oh."
He raised an eybrow, urging me to answer. "Well?"
I felt the heat spread on my cheeks. "I cleaned my room?" I said kind of pathetically, biting my lip. Of course that wasn't anything out of the usual for me, although, it had been awhile since I'd last cleaned my room...
He shook his head at me. "Not good enough."
I sighed, frustrated. What did he want me to do then? I didn't understand what was going on right now. He was acting so strange, not at all like the Jasper I had come to know these last couple of days.
"Bella, something you usually don't do. Seize the day! Go on new adventures!" Jasper cried. "Cleaning your room isn't one, unless you're really, really weird. And you're not." he paused for a second, apparently to think about something.
It didn't take long before he had decided on what to do and, in a swift movement, he was suddenly standing up. And in the next second he had taken me by the hand and was leading me outside.
"Come on, we're going out!" Was all he said.
"Jasper, what's going on? Where are you taking me?" I cried, with no choice but to follow him as he was so much stronger than I was. He was beginning to scare me. He lead me to my truck and got me into the passenger's seat without an explanation to boot.
"Don't worry, Bella." he said softly, buckling me in. "You're perfectly safe in my care." He closed the cardoor for me and returned to the driver's seat.
"I know." I breathed as he drove off into the looming darkness.
And that was the first part. I hope you enjoyed it! To be honest, I wasn't that happy with it, but that's me. But I'm the author, right? The author always criticize herself/himself the worst. But, yeah... anyways...
Please READ & REVIEW!! Thank you very much! :)
Keyword: Nutty Munchkins
PS. The song was Lying From You by Linkin Park.