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AN: Okay guys here it is! This chapter is essential to the whole story. I hope you don't hate me too much afterward, but as I have stated multiple times life is not always rainbows and butterflies. Sometimes in order to get to the really good stuff you have to go through some really bad things. The reason I believe that so wholeheartedly is because I am living proof. I think we all are in our own way. Do me a favor and sit back and think of a certain situation in which you had to go through pure hell to succeed or achieve something. If you want you can tell me about it or not. You never know we could always write a story about it! Lol…Anyway thank you guys so much for the reviews, they really brightened my day. So please give the rest of the storyline a chance!
I'm sorry for the delay, I have recently moved and am having issues with my wireless connection. I do plan on posting once a week for I am at a friends house at least that much.
Also Anyone that subscribes to my blog or my forum will receive an advance chapter of the story of their choice! I work hard on keeping both up and running and so far Jen is the only one to subscribe.
Chapter 14
~*~
~*~ Not Ready to Make Nice ~*~
~*~
"I'm not ready to make nice. I'm not ready to back down. I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time to go round and round and round. It's too late to make it right. I probably wouldn't if I could. 'Cause I'm mad as hell and can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should." Dixie Chicks
~*~
So now here I was….wherever this may be. I felt cold. Not just walk outside without a coat type of cold….but the down to the core aching type of cold.
The type that was so agonizing that my whole body ached and I could feel myself begin to shiver uncontrollably.
What I could only imagine to be the wind whipped by with such a furry that it felt as if it were slicing my skin in pieces as it blew on past.
No matter how hard I tried I couldn't will myself to open my eyes. I could hear voices and how things would rush by.
I couldn't imagine my surroundings at the moment for everything was too foreign.
However most of all I could feel myself slipping underneath the power of something I couldn't control.
Slowly but surely I felt everything slipping away as I was slowly dissipating until there was almost nothing left.
In the distance I could hear a desperate pleading voice saying my name and telling me he was sorry.
I knew just who that voice belonged to and as much as I wanted to answer him, tell him I could hear him and that it was ok I couldn't.
I felt myself slowly sinking even further into the black hole that now consumed all of me.
~*~
I hopped onto one of the bar stools and grabbed a banana. As I bit into it Seth looked at me strangely.
"Why are you eating yet another banana? You just had one like maybe five minutes ago." He placed the glass down on the bar and began to pour a glass of iced tea I just made earlier that morning.
"Hmm…yeah I did didn't I." I mumbled through the chewed banana and shrugged as I took another bite.
Despite my interest in my banana at the moment I noticed him still watching me as he sipped his iced tea.
"Well these…" I picked up my bottle of prenatal vitamins and shook them in front of his face "these make me hungry…."
"Yeah it wouldn't have anything to do with the fact of the human life you are incubating inside you right." He chuckled. The kid was always so happy and full of life that it was hard not to feel the same happiness when in his presence.
"Incubating?" I questioned and Seth just chuckled under his breath and we walked out the door and to my doctors appointment.
I was looking forward to this appointment for awhile now. This would be the very day that would make all the agony of the past few months seem worth living. Today would be the first time I would be able to see my baby.
Just as I was told, I continued to drink the enormous amounts of water the whole way to the doctor. Just when I felt as if my bladder was going to burst the nurse practitioner called my name.
I considered myself blessed none the least, to have Seth with me to experience the extraordinary moment. He truly was my closet friend at the moment and I knew with all my heart that if I couldn't have Jake with me that Seth would be the second best.
The doctor visit began like all the others. After I was called back into the exam room I was weighed and had my blood pressure taken.
She asked if there was any questions on anything thus far and I mentioned the cramping in my lower abdominal area I was concerned about.
It started about 2 weeks ago and would come and go periodically. Even though it might not be anything I was still worried about the worst possible outcome.
The assistant I grown to like caused me a full blown panic attack when she couldn't register a heartbeat with the fetal monitor.
I was only relieved once I was assured that my baby was ok and that sometimes early on it is still too early to hear the heartbeat in some pregnancies when in others they are heard sooner.
The doctor explained that the cramping I had been feeling lately was in fact probably from my uterus expanding and I was not in fact having any complications.
Apparently it is rather common in first pregnancies.
Once the doctor stepped out, the sonogram technician was fast at work.
Without warning she placed the gel on the slight bump on my stomach, which was always hidden under my clothes and almost unnoticeable.
So unnoticeable that no one ever suspected that I was in fact pregnant.
As I watched the baby's heartbeat flutter on the screen I could hear my own heart thumping and beating faster.
I was so overwhelmed that tears started to form in my eyes. This made everything seem so much more realistic and in fact a reality. Not something that I dreamed or made up. This was real.
I was overjoyed to say the least and Seth was just as happy for me if nothing else. He was really looking forward to being an uncle and sharing in the experience with me.
While it was still too early to determine the sex, after a few measurements were taken I was handed a few printout pictures and we were allowed to leave. Before I was able to leave the office building all together I had to make another pit stop to use the restroom.
They needed a sample for a glucose test and to be entirely honest I wouldn't be able to make it too much longer without peeing myself.
After I was finished I found Seth waiting at the main entrance of huge glass paned windows.
He smiled when he saw me and opened the door as I passed.
My overnight bag was packed and in the back seat, with Thanksgiving tomorrow and Sue still being in her cast, Seth and I were making dinner for the family.
To me this was nothing to major, I have made a dozen Thanksgiving dinners in the past but for Seth this was something new.
New and exciting as he put it, much to my surprise he was all too willing to learn and didn't put up a fight when I told him where he would be inserting his hand to pull the gizzards and heart out.
The car ride to Charlie's was sated with a comfortable silence. I was able to think over a few things and try to figure out how to take what Quil told me and put it into action.
I had a plan - hide this pregnancy from everyone that didn't know yet until it was too obvious to keep it a secret anymore. I figured that way I would have a few more months to figure out whatever it was I was going to do.
It seemed like a pretty good plan, to me anyway.
Today began quite nice actually. I was finally able to get a good night sleep after the intense conversation with Quil. He was the most unlikely of all people to comfort me but he did and now I feel I owe him so much.
What he said was so honest and upfront. Not the beat around the bush type of bullshit most people try to feed you when they know you are upset. No he gave me none of that at all.
A low whistle snapped me out of my daze and I turned to Seth. His attention was focused on the once bright blue sky now turning a dark shade of grey.
"What?" I asked cynically. I couldn't grasp what it was that had his undivided attention.
"It's a good thing you will be staying at Charlie's tonight. There is once heck of a storm blowing in. Looks like it will be a white Thanksgiving this year."
"Well the news didn't say anything about any snow storms so I'd have to say you're wrong on this one."
That had become a little game of ours, he would predict an on coming storm or rain of sorts and I would call him bluff based on the local weather station. Needless to say, he won 9 out of 10 times.
When I questioned his uncanny ability he brushed it off as nothing but I was beginning to think that maybe he was in the wrong line of work.
We made a quick stop at the grocery store before going to Charlie's. There were a few seasonings and items I would need for dinner that I knew he wouldn't have thought of picking up.
Seth followed me as I glided down one aisle in into the next, tossing the items into my buggy as I went.
Seth didn't ask, he knew I wanted out of the store before I was recognized and forced into a conversation with any one. He also knew who it was I didn't want to run into.
Charlie was still at work and Sue was fast asleep when we arrived. I decided it was best to get started on tonight's dinner and begin tomorrows before the pregnancy fatigue hit me.
Seth insisted we had to have chicken fajitas and my newly awaken cravings agreed whole heartedly. Once the filling was mixed and they were wrapped, I placed them in a huge saucepan and allowed the Mexican seasoning, peppers and onions to work their magic.
Next I moved quickly to preheat the oven, gather the seasoning and gave turkey quick dry rub while Seth cut the onions and celery for the stuffing.
After we finished stuffing and seasoning the turkey Seth slid it into the oven and grabbed the ingredients for the pies.
"You know Bella, there is a such a thing a canned pumpkin."
"Yeah what's your point?"
"My point is all you would have to do is walk in and purchase the said product, open with a can opener and walla….' he looked at me thoughtfully and paused for a moment "You don't have to go through all this trouble for a damn pie."
"I want to though. Homemade is so much better than canned." I nodded to the small pie pumpkin sitting down in front of me.
"While I am sure that may be true, I just don't want you over exerting yourself. It isn't good for the baby." He spoke sincerely and from the heart.
"I know and I appreciate all your concern but you heard the doctor the baby is just fine."
"Yeah well lets keep it that way."
We giggled and talked about everything and nothing the rest of the night.
Much to my chagrin I handed over the twenty I bet once Charlie walked in covered in a fresh dusting of snow.
We were too caught up with the pies and talking to even notice the inches of ashen snow that were on the ground and the downy flakes still falling at rapid speed.
After dinner and four pumpkin, three pecan and six homemade apple pies later the two of us were passed out in the middle of the living room.
Needless to say Thanksgiving morning did not go all to well. I awoke to the sound of a phone ringing in the early hours of the morning.
Charlie answered and I could hear him talking as I walked toward the bathroom. I didn't pay much attention to what was said all I was concern with how I am beginning to believe that my bladder is now the size of a pea.
As I walked out of the bathroom and toward the kitchen I found Charlie hadn't moved from his spot by the phone.
"That was Billy…..seems his daughter Rachel was in charge of dinner today and as it turns out she burnt the turkey." His face twisted as he tried to hold back a grin.
I raised an eyebrow and couldn't help but wonder how someone managed to burn a turkey at 9 am anyway.
"Anyway…dinner has been rearranged…..we will be packing up ours and taking it to the Blacks…" Charlie spoke slowly "Before you can protest he will not be there so what do you say?" He looked hopeful but worried as well as if I would say no.
I wondered why he made a point to let me know he wouldn't be there. He didn't know anything about Jake and my relationship or the act the baby was his.
At least not that I know of. I was under the impression he still thought we hated each other.
I guess that isn't too far from the truth.
"That's fine, it sounds…nice." I nodded and tried to convince myself it would be. It would be great to see Billy again, I couldn't deny that.
So now here I a few hours later, sitting at the Blacks' dining room table secretly wishing I could disappear into thin air.
Billy, Charlie, Seth, Leah, Rachel, the man I now know to be Paul, and ultimately Jake bowed their head as Sue said grace.
I tried not to notice the look in Jake's eyes as I walked in. Or the fact that he hasn't looked at me since.
This was not how it was supposed to be. The entire dinner passed and Jake did not once look at me. I tried not to think too much of it, to not allow it to upset me too much.
While everyone else was busy devouring the pies Seth and I made my lower stomach cramped so tightly I let out a small gasp as I was overcome with pain.
A gasp that I was almost certain that no one heard but much to my surprise Leah, Paul, Seth and even Jake were staring at me as if I lost my mind.
"You alright?" Seth leaned down and whispered into my ear and as the cramping eased up I nodded and unclenched my teeth. His eyes full of concern. Funny thing was I could have swore Jake's were as well.
"This pie is by far the best I have ever tasted Bella." Billy shoved another forkful into his mouth.
"Thank you Billy, but I can't take all the credit, Seth helped too." I forced a smile.
"Well it's delicious." He directed his comment toward Seth and then his attention was then focused on my father. "We should have her make a few of these babies to take with us on our annual summer fishing trip in May." he chuckled.
With everything going on I forgot all about their trip. I usually bake some cookies and pastries and send sandwiches with the. By that time my baby should be here and we would be in the next chapter of our lives together.
Being so caught up in my own little fantasy of my bundle of joy, I hadn't thought about how my father would handle his statement or answer it.
After a chug of beer to wash down the pumpkin pie he was eating my father shook his head and laughed.
"I don't know about that Billy, Bella is going to be pretty busy once her own baby arrives. Don't think she'd have the time for us old men." As soon as the words left his mouth you could see the repentance and guilt.
My father looked at me apologetically as the entire room grew eerily silent. Billy's face paled and Jake didn't respond. He kept his focus on his plate and tensed his jaw.
"Wow…Bella..that is great news." Rachel was the first to speak breaking the silence. "Right Paul?"
Paul wore a smile I couldn't understand and nodded in agreement. "It certainly is a nice change of events." He was quite smug actually.
I blinked back the tears that were threatening to break free. Sue watched closely from the other end of the table as her attention would drift from me then Jake and back to me.
"How far along are you?" Rachel asked as she leaned back into Paul's arm and cuddled into his side.
"Um…..well…I…." I couldn't seem to get it out and was relieved when I heard Sue's voice.
"She just started her second trimester ….so 13 or 14 weeks right Bella?" She smiled her warm motherly smile that I couldn't help but return and feel relief in the same moment.
She always knew how to make me feel at ease and this was no different then any other time.
I noticed how Jake's head shot up and gawked in my direction. He was intently focused on something which I can only imagine as adding up the time since we were intimately together. He was finally putting the pieces together and realizing this was in fact his baby.
"Wow you can't even tell your pregnant, you are not showing at all.."
"Actually I am but it just isn't enough to where people notice." Stupid me. I should've kept my mouth shut because now she and Leah were requesting I stand and show everyone my tiny baby bump.
Now I was really regretting not wearing the dress that Sue insisted on. Then I would have a reasonable excuse as to why I couldn't expose my belly.
Reluctantly, and with Seth at my side, I did just that. The girls awed while Paul didn't stop grinning and Jake stared absently at my bump.
After a few more simple questions about the baby Billy changed the subject. I believe he could sense my reluctance of talking about it and he tried to ease the tension for me. When I smiled in his direction he simply nodded.
Instead of discussing my personal life Leah was now explaining why she felt Thanksgiving was in fact a fucked up holiday.
"It's a bullshit holiday, is all I am saying. Yes I am thankful for everything in my life, but you don't see any pale faces asking Bambi if he enjoys hunting season now do you?" She exclaimed as Sue tried to hush her unsuccessfully.
Dinner passed much to slowly for my liking.
All the men now gathered in the living room around the big screen TV watching a football game. You would even hear them cheering every once in a while.
Rachel and I cleaned up the kitchen and put away all the leftover food which was hardly any at all, while Leah help Sue to the bathroom. While she was good at getting around in her cast now, stairs still presented a problem from time to time.
"You know despite what happens between you two, you still have family here." Rachel dried the last of the dishes while I put them way.
"What do you mean?" I was honestly confused.
"You and the baby will always be welcome here. You are carrying my niece or nephew aren't you?" Her smile was beautiful, it reminded me so much of Jake's.
Her statement caught me off guard, I didn't think anyone outside of my tiny circle of people knew. Well you know what they say about plans? It's true.
"How..?" My confusion rather apparent.
"How do I know?' She asked and let out a low laugh. "Let's just say there aren't many secrets in my pack of friends."
Great so they all knew? Was that in fact why Paul was so smug at dinner?
"I know my brother Bella, he has said and done some pretty awful, inexcusable things but I do know he still loves you. What can I say, he comes from a long line of stubborn idiots." She giggled again and hugged me. Reluctantly I let her.
She was sincere and sweet. All she wanted was to be part of the baby's life and I couldn't deny her that. She was also the only one that went out of her way on more then one occasion to try to make me feel comfortable.
Once in the kitchen all alone I found myself desperately needing air.
The cramping began again, off and on to the point I didn't think I could handle being in this place much longer.
I was beginning to think that it wasn't just simple stretching of the uterus but who was I to question a doctors word? This was my first pregnancy and I didn't know much about uterus's or cervix and they went through years of med school.
Without anyone knowing I grabbed my coat from the hook and made my way outside into the newly glistening snow.
The snow made it quite beautiful actually. The entire beach was a shimmering blanket of white powder.
The wind blew gently but it was so cold that it felt harsh against my face. I continued on walking until I reached the spot I was looking for.
I wasn't sure I would be able to find it especially in these conditions, but none the less I did. The tears filled my eyes and I could no longer hold but the aching inside me.
Not able to stay in that place any longer, the very place my baby was conceived, I walked over to the edge of the water. Bending down I ran my finger tips wintry water.
Despite the cold and freezing temperature the water seemed rather calm. Only a few small waves rippled through.
The once warm waters were now what bitter cold as thin sheets of ice were beginning to form at the top and gathering snow atop the ice.
As another cramp ripped through my stomach, this time it was more severe then the last.
I tried as hard as I could to compose myself enough to stand but was unsuccessful. The pain shot down through my entire lower body causing me to crash onto my knees.
My vision was soon blurry and much to my surprise I was no longer in pain. However not only was I pain free, I could no longer feel anything at all.
~*~
As I sat on in my old bedroom I couldn't help but replay the last few months in my head.
Spending the time with Bella was both a blessing and a curse.
I, well everyone in the pack, knew that Bella was in fact my imprint for few years now. Ever since she came back for Arizona to live with Charlie I knew she was my soul mate.
At that time, my father and I went to visit Charlie like we did every week. This time it was different, she was there. From the moment I met her there was no other girl in the world. No other girl ever caught my eye.
She was the only one I saw, despite how much I tried to resist it there wasn't anything I could do.
I was against imprinting from the very beginning. From the first time I phased I thought for sure that it would never happen to me. Two year past and still it didn't happen, then we go over for Monday night football and BAM!
The rest of the pack found it amusing how I tried to fight the inevitable bond. Sam warned me that within time I would feel actual physical pain because of it.
I didn't believe him until one night in particular I longed for her so much the I felt as it my body had been hit by a bus and then caught on fire.
Since that day I got better at handling certain emotions and feeling. Telling myself I would be a friend and somehow by the grace of all that is mighty I made it another three years without her as my partner.
We would still go over to her house every week and each time I was there I was grateful for how things were. She was what I thought then to be snotty and stuck up. I know see she wasn't rather all she was rather shy and timid. Afraid to let anyone in, too afraid to be hurt once again.
Then out of no where Edward Cullen came into the picture. I knew from the very beginning there would be trouble. I couldn't understand what a bloodsucker would want with a human as a girlfriend for unless it was to harm them. The pack was on high alert from then on.
I would do extra patrols around her house and try to ease the ache that I felt all over. Needless to say I was pretty useless and miserable.
I got a job with Charlie, another way of being close to her and much to my benefit it worked out in my favor.
Once she had enough of Cullen's mysterious behavior and told him it was over he became obsessive and Charlie became concerned. That is when he asked me for my help and I more then willing obliged.
She was very unhappy with my presence but I could feel her changing, I knew she was beginning to feel the pull of the imprint. I also believe it was more though. More than just the imprint pulling us together. Maybe fate….destiny? I was once told your destiny could be your doom. Could it?
Despite all that has happened I knew one thing was for sure…I loved Bella. I always have and was a fool for fighting it. I guess it is silly to think it is just the imprint when I know I had feelings for her before when we were both a lot younger. Before she moved away with her mother.
I missed her. After I felt her touch I longed for it. The aching and burning got worse. It felt as if I couldn't go a minute without seeing her, to touch her. Somehow though I managed to get through it.
Though it was much harder this time. It was not like before, before all the time with her. Before we were together on the beach.
I thought staying away would be the best thing for her. She had so much supernatural in her life and she didn't even know it. I was also worried that she would not be able to accept me being a wolf and bringing even more craziness into her life.
It hurt me to see her in pain after the attack with Edward. I blamed myself for her being harmed, if I hadn't been so foolish and selfish I would have been able to prevent it from ever happening.
I didn't though. She got hurt and bitten and nearly survived.
Once I saw her at the hospital when our fathers were injured it occurred to me that I was being selfish still, yet I continued to stay away. Continued to think only of myself and how giving into the imprint would effect my life.
I never stopped to think about how it would or would prove to have already changed Bella's life.
A baby. She was pregnant with my child. It is a wonder that Charlie allowed me to live this long.
Seth seemed to know about it, of course he had. All the time he been spending with her, his refusing to phase because…well he never really gave a reason other then the pack was big enough with out him and we didn't need him. He was right but that isn't the point.
The point is that I left the woman that I love, the one I couldn't imagine my life without, to deal with such a thing on her own.. Why didn't she tell me? Not that I really gave her much of a choice or a chance.
When I could no longer sit here and face the fact that I was incredulously selfish and pathetic, I rushed out my room to find Bella. I had to talk to her. I had to try to apologize.
I searched the house room by room. Everyone had been gathered in the living room talking about who knows what, everyone but Bella and Seth,
Maybe they left already. Maybe I lost any chance I had.
I walked into the kitchen for a drink and ran right into Seth. So he hadn't left and surely wouldn't have left Bella drive in this weather.
"Where is she?" He asked accusingly as I received a look that would kill if possible.
"What do you mean? I was going to ask you the same thing." Fear and panic registered on his face which I could only believe mirrored my own.
As I had just done he searched the house, now causing panic to fill the places she didn't.
"She was still in the kitchen when I came in here." Rachel's voice trembled.
"Damn her coat is missing, Jake I think she is outside!" Seth shouted before busting out the door. I quickly followed.
I could smell her everywhere along the path along the beach it wasn't long until I realized where she went. It was a place I spent a lot of time at recently. Only it has a different meaning to her now.
Once we both were there and saw that she wasn't the panic grew to something much deeper.
That was when I spotted her, when I noticed the lifeless object that floated within the waters bitter clutches.
Seth noticed what I was staring at as well but before he registered what to do I was already in the water.
In the distance I heard the other pack members, they immerged from the house to help with the search. I could hear Rachel crying and Sue trying to comfort her. I knew that my father was aware and sent Leah to get the others. I also could hear Charlie at shore side and Seth and Paul trying to keep him from descending into the water as well. Trying to assure him that I would reach her.
Once I had her in my arms I knew at that moment that she wasn't breathing. I held her tightly as I made it back to shore. Her face was reddened from the cold and wind but her lips were purple her hands were as well.
Quickly I laid her onto the ground and began to admister CPR, knowing that my body temperature would help with the cold. Charlie continued to struggle before he announced he was getting the car and we were taking her to the hospital.
As he headed back for the car I continued my attempts to get her to breath again but failed. In that moment I made a rather rash decision as I picked her up and started running toward what I knew as the hospital. This was something more than what Sue could fix.
I didn't stop to think about how I would explain running 30 + miles in this weather while carrying her. All I knew was I could go much fast then any car and I had to do what I could.
My love, my life, my imprint wasn't breathing and I knew the likely hood of her or my baby surving were not in our favor.
I ran as fast as I could, faster then I ever ran before. All the while whispering to her how much I loved her and that I was sorry. I begged for her to hang on, to not give up knowing that I was even more selfish than I thought. Because I knew that if she didn't make it I wouldn't be able to go on with out her.
I just ran and hope and prayed that I wasn't too late. That by some miracle she would be ok even as I felt her body go limp in my arms I just held on tighter and ran a little faster.
~*~
I could hear people talking and machines beeping. I could see bright lights and blurry shapes. Yet I couldn't feel a thing. I couldn't feel my legs, my hands, or even myself. I didn't feel anything at all.
As much as I tried to open my eyes I couldn't. I still felt as I was floating, slowly trying to find my way back to my body, back to those who loved me. I was no longer as cold but numb. I would rather be cold then feel nothing at all as I do now.
I began to slip into a dream like state. In this dream I was trapped in the forest and couldn't find my baby. No matter how much I searched, high and low, left and right I couldn't find her.
As I am running in what seemed to be circles I end up back into the middle of the forest. Much to my surprise right in front of my eyes sat a tiny baby carriage. A beautiful wooden white cradle with lacey pink bedding.
Slowly I manage to push myself further, I pause as I reach the carriage and look inside. I pull the quilted lace back to see that the cradle is empty and there is no baby. I began to scream, wanting to know where my she was.
That was when I thought I woke up and all hell broke lose.
~*~
Once inside the hospital doors they took her from me. I wasn't allowed to go with her, not allowed to make sure she was ok. I was forced to take a seat in the waiting room and wait for the other to get here. Forced to wait to hear Bella's fate.
It didn't take long for the rest of them to arrive, twenty, thirty minutes tops.
Charlie's and Sue's eyes were rimmed with red and Rachel was still crying. Hell it even looked as if Leah were too. Seth was a mess, he paced back and forth and muttered things to himself. My father sat next to me and never left.
A hour passed and not a word, Sue got up to see if she could find anything out faster. When she walked into the back where they had taken her Seth came over to me.
"Look Jake I'm sorry, really I am I should have told you when I first found out, but I didn't think it would help matters much." He continued to ramble on with his apology and I tried to reassure him that all was forgotten. I couldn't help but wonder how things would be different if I had know sooner. Bella and I would probably be together right now and not in the situation we are in.
I know at of all people that what-might-have-beens don't mean a thing. There is no use in even thinking about them.
My thoughts were soon interrupted as Sue along with the doctor that took Bella from me and what Seth claimed to be the baby doctor walked up to us.
Sue's eyes were full of tears as she walked to stand by Charlie's side. Whatever this was couldn't be good.
"I'm Dr. Shaferen, I am the attending doctor here and the one that first treated Ms. Swan, and this is Dr. Balu her OB-GYN. Is the baby's father present?" The doctors looked around and most of the pack either looked at me or the ground.
"No, I'm sorry the father is dece-" Charlie began, no wonder I was still alive he thought Edward was the father. The thought made my stomach churn but I forced myself to speak up.
"Yes, I am the baby's father." I announced. Even while the doctors were talking to me I could feel Charlie's anger and his hateful stare.
"Well I am sorry but we did all we could. It seems that there was some damage done to the placenta, something that could be fixed in other circumstances. The fetus was too little, her lungs not fully developed and wouldn't have been able to make it on her own, but we had no choice. She would have died sooner and the mother would have as well had we not removed her from the womb. Your daughter lived only a few minutes."
My heart broke into a million pieces. A daughter, I had a little baby girl. One that I would never be able to know, never be able to teach how to throw a punch or walk down the aisle at her wedding. I would have none of that at all.
I could hear sobs in the background but wasn't sure as to who they belonged to.
"What about Bella? Is she alright?" Charlie choked. I felt the hot tears fall down my face as I looked up at the doctors. Waiting to hear the fate of the rest of my heart.
"Ms. Swan's condition is critical, she will be transferred to ICU shortly. It is estimated that she was in the water for quite some time. The intense cold temperatures of the water caused her heart to nearly shut down altogether. Upon arrival she wasn't conscience or breathing. Technically she wasn't even alive. After hard work of our staff her vitals became stable. It is truly a miracle that she is even alive right now. Everything I have learned in med school tells me that by all terms and reasoning she should be dead. She is fighter that is for sure." The one doctor stopped and the other began.
"She does have multiple staples from when we had to deliver the fetus. Her fertility in the future shouldn't have been affected by all this but as of now she hasn't come to long enough to be fully aware of the situation. She has had only a few moments of consciousness. What I am trying to say is that when she wakes up you will have to tell her that the baby hadn't survived. I do suggest counseling not only for her but you as well." They both looked at me. I wiped the tears from my cheeks. "And of course with the fetus being 14 weeks you will have to arrange a funeral for her. The hospital will help in any way it can. We do expect Ms. Swan to sleep the next few hours but the next 24 hours are extremely critical."
"Can I see her?" My voice didn't sound as strong as I tried to make it.
"Well yes, you can see her shortly, right after they move her to the ICU."
"No I meant my daughter, can I see her now?" I almost whispered. They doctors looked at me with sympathy.
"Of course, if you would you can follow us we will take you to her."
Without a second glance back at the rest of the crowd I stood and followed the doctors. Everything felt so mechanical. How could someone I didn't know existed mean so much to me that it felt as if my heart was ripped out at this very moment?
They lead me to a dark room where all the furniture and equipment was steel. On a tiny slab of metal with an even tinier white sheet across it laid my daughter.
The doctors left me alone as I stared at her lifeless body from across the room. The tears flowed even faster now as I slowly made my way to her.
How could I have let this happen? How was I going to tell Bella that our baby was dead?
I wiped the tears from my eyes once more as I pulled the sheet back to reveal my beautiful baby girl. Even now she was perfect. She was beautiful and it hurt immensely knowing she would never be able to live a full life.
Her tiny head was already partial covered with black silky hair. I reached out to hold her, her body so tiny it barely fit inside the palm of my hand. I wrapped her into the white sheet and held her as I sobbed. I don't know how long I was in the room with my daughter, I held her and mourned the lose until the doctor came back in to tell me I had to go."
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I was no longer cold or numb. Never had I thought I would miss the numbness but as the pain began to settle in I prayed for relief.
My head was pounding, it felt as if I was hit with a hammer….repeatedly. My entire body ached and my lower stomach felt as it were on fire.
I still couldn't move. Still couldn't will myself awake. But somehow I knew that something was terribly wrong.
Whatever it was wouldn't be fixed with me simply just waking up and honestly I really didn't want to.
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If it were up to me I wouldn't have left my daughter. I would have stayed there as long as I could.
As I made my way back into the waiting room I walked rather slowly. I couldn't find the energy to move any faster.
"So it was your baby? Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you do something instead of letting my little girl take care of everything on her own?" Charlie was angry and right in my face.
"I didn't know until tonight and I honestly thought you knew." my voice was shattered and mirrored what I felt in my heart at this very moment.
"Hell no I didn't know. I thought it was Edward's. I never assumed….I didn't…how am I going to tell my little girl that hers didn't make it?" He was about to break down as Sue tried to comfort him.
"I will, don't worry about telling her Charlie, that is the least I can do." I whispered as I sat back down.
Patiently I would wait until I was allowed to see Bella. When she woke up I would be there to comfort her an tell her the saddening news.
At this point in time I didn't know how I was going to do that. How would I shattered her heart into a million tiny pieces? Pain is inevitable as is death but to happen at such a young age shouldn't be possible.
My little girl didn't do anything to anyone, and yet here she is paying the ultimate price. The doctor did say that if they hadn't have delivered her when they did not only would it have been her life that was lost but Bella's as well.
I wasn't sure where the road would lead for either one of us at the moment. Bella was still in very bad shape and may not make it through the night.
All I knew at this point in time, were that my days of selfishness were gone. From this moment out I vowed to be there for Bella in any way I could. A friend, lover, bodyguard, punching bag, whatever she needed I would be there. Never again will I leave her side.
The only questioned that remained was will she have me? Would she possibly be able to forgive me for everything and let me back into her heart?
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Ok guys so what do you think? Trust me it will get better eventually. There are only a few more chapters left to this story Please review and let me know what you think….
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