Junior stepped out into the hospital wing with reservations. He grew restless standing in place and without realizing it, he began to pace, lost in thought.
He reminisced about how long he'd known Guerrero, his impassive and immovable colleague. He remembered back when they had been introduced by the Old Man, just barely out of their teens. Guerrero had already been with the fold for a while before Junior was taken in but they had become fast friends. Though he never admitted it, Junior had looked up to him in the early years. Training and experience eventually made them equals, with admittedly different skill-sets, but there was just something about Guerrero that Junior could never quite acheive in himself. That cool detachment he had about him, the fact nothing ever seemed to get to him.
Junior stopped to lean against a window and thought back to numerous situations they had been in, where very real threats were made against them; others where they had followed some very questionable orders; times where they had lost close friends on the job. Almost never a serious reaction from the man, which was sometimes disturbing even to Junior. He knew that this had to be more of a front than anything but he was amazed at how Guerrero could keep it up so well. He wondered if he did secretly deal with the same inner-torment as everyone else but just bottled it up, burying it. Or maybe he really was that selective about what mattered to him, what he chose to care about.
The clicking of the door handle caught his attention and he watched, from a distance, as the two surgeons silently left the room. As they walked in his direction, they began to converse but too quietly for Junior to make any of it out. Nearing the stairwell near where he was standing, they stopped a moment to speak with him.
"Are you a friend of the family?" the woman inquired gently.
"You could say that."
The doctors introduced themselves politely and shook hands with him. The obstetrician was in her mid-thirties and the trauma doctor was much older, probably in his late fifties. They both looked drained and exhausted.
Junior remained polite but found himself too impatient for niceties at the moment. "How did it go?"
Doubt shadowed the woman's face as she glanced around. "Would you like to have a seat?"
Junior was reminded that he was still out in the hall. "No, I'm ok."
The man spoke up. "Well son, I wish we could say that everything went well but I'm afraid we have some bad news. On the bright side, the infant is doing remarkably well. Much better than expected, to be honest." The man paused. "We couldn't save the mother, however. The outlook was grave from the start given the severity of her injuries but we had hoped..."
"We were actually a team of four doctors with her, collaberating, since this was such an unusual and complicated case. With combined effort, we did everything possible for her but it was simply too much for her body to take." She paused a second, "It's a miracle in itself that the baby wasn't harmed. It's rare that they survive their mothers in accidents like this."
Junior nodded, silently taking in the news.
They gave him a moment before continuing. The obstetrician spoke, "Sir, may I ask a personal question?"
Junior met the woman's eyes but said nothing, not sure if he trusted where this was going.
She continued, despite the lack of his consent. "Do you know the father well?"
"Well enough. Why?" Junior crossed his arms without realizing it.
The other doctor, eyeing Junior's defensive posture, took his colleague's place. "Well, we'd like to suggest that someone check up on him in the upcoming weeks, months even. In this line of work, I've seen what grief can do to people more times than I care to think about. Sometimes a person may not initially accept or respond to a loss of this toll. The pain can manifest itself later on in worse forms, unpredictable or sometimes even self-destructive in some cases." He raised his eyebrows for emphasis. "And the baby probably won't make the situation any easier for him."
Junior looked between them with a frown, hoping they weren't hinting at anything else.
The obstetrician went on. "The fact is, he may need some help, from those closest to him. The hospital has some resources thay may be useful for new parents... or even therapy, for persons in similar situations."
Junior stared back at them, perplexed. Therapy? Everything they just said was so incongruous with what he knew of Guerrero, it might have been funny under different circumstances. On the otherhand, he reasoned that the doctors undoubtedly had more first-hand experience with the aftermath of crises like this one.
"I'll keep an eye on him. Make sure he's alright. And thank you, for everything." Junior extended his hand.
The man nodded and grasped his hand. The woman did the same. "Sorry for your loss."
.
Gone.
Guerrero thought he had been better prepared for this. After all, he had been warned all along that things would probably end this way (or potentially worse), and spent much of the day bracing himself and getting his infallible barriers up. It was therefore that much more difficult for him to understand why, despite all this, it was was suddenly hurting everywhere. He knew he hadn't really let himself give in to any false hope, that was something he had long ago learned to avoid doing.
His chest ached under the weight of the loss and it hurt to breathe. The room started to spin under him, the effect disorienting but he couldn't will himself to move yet. He felt almost paralyzed, wavering in place while he resisted the flood of emotions that threatened to overwhelm him.
Sarah was gone. Just like that. He never imagined that she would go before he did. They had been so careful with everything. Always covering their tracks; never trusting anyone. From the beginning, he had ensured that all the chances were in their favor in terms of safety and security. Paranoid, she used to joke. It was almost mind-boggling to accept that he ultimately lost her to something so common, mundane even, as a car accident.
Still unsteady on his feet, he tried to shift his weight for better balance. Instead, he was hit full-force with a wave of dizziness from the movement. He stepped back to lean against a wall for support and closed his eyes to center himself. He had no idea what it felt like to faint but he already had his share of new experiences for the day. The light-headnedness more or less passed, he started to feel nauseous. He slowly turned his head to look across the room at the door to his right. He held his gaze there, uncertain of how to let himself act or feel.
Creeping in with his grief, there was also a considerable element of fear pulling at him. The unaddressed question of just how he was supposed to do this. Raising a child on his own had never been part of the plan. He honestly had no idea where to start. He wondered if he could realistically expect to continue working without putting his son in jeopardy. Another second of reflection reminded him that there was still a small chance that the baby might not even survive at all.
He sighed. He wasn't really prepared for any of this.
.
Junior remained at the window what he judged to be an appropriate amount of time before deciding to check on his friend. Walking back down the corridor, Junior wasn't sure of what kind of scene awaited him. He stopped in front of the door and knocked softly. No answer. After a few seconds of hesitation, he entered just the same.
Closing the door behind him, he did a quick sweep of the room and initially thought that Guerrero had somehow managed to leave without him noticing. It took him a moment longer to locate him, seated on the floor to his left, back against the wall as though he had just let himself drop there. His knees were loosely bent in front of him with his arms draped over them. He had his head cocked slightly back and seemed almost entranced. If Guerrero noticed his return, he didn't let on.
"Guerrero?"
Junior crouched down to his level. Guerrero turned his head to meet his friend's gaze, looking as forlorn as Junior would ever see him. His eyes, glazed with a purple hue to them, were almost haunting. Junior felt unsettled even though he had half-expected this. No emotional breakdown, no fit of rage, no tears. He looked around the room: no evidence of outward violence either. He wondered if this was Guerrero going into shock.
"I spoke with the doctors outside. They, uh, told me what happened. For what it's worth, I'm sorry, man."
His friend nodded solemnly but didn't respond.
"Guerrero?" He reached out to touch his arm.
The smaller man flinched unexpectedly at the contact, as if burned. "Don't," he growled.
Junior almost lost his balance, startled from the sudden movement. Taking his chances, he sat himself on the carpet next to his friend, so they were almost shoulder to shoulder. Junior knew it was still an invasion of personal space but calculated that he'd probably get away with it. Guerrero didn't appear to mind it as much.
They sat there in silence.
.
The discomfort from sitting cross-legged on the hard floor gradually became hard to ignore. Repeatedly distracted from his train of thought, Junior decided to return his attention to Guerrero. He noticed that his friend's fingers, hands still over his knees in front of him, were twitching every now and again. His body was incredibly tense despite his seemingly aloof posture. He was staring ahead, almost unblinking, with such intensity that Junior sensed an explosion waiting in the periphery.
If that was indeed the case, Junior decided that he'd rather be present for it than have it surface at a later time when Guerrero was on his own. Or even worse, with an unsuspecting third party. As he spoke, he had the distinct impression of playing with fire. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Guerrero started and looked sideways at him, dark eyes behind his bangs still oddly unnerving. It took a second for Junior to place Guerrero's glare and tone as ones usually reserved for his infamous interrogations. "Talk about what?"
Junior didn't offer a reply, only stared back at his friend. He wasn't sure if it was necessarily a good thing, but he didn't think Guerrero was aware of his demeanor.
"This whole thing just.. sucks, bro. And talking about it won't change a god-damned thing."
"You might feel better. You know, get a load off your chest."
"'Feel better'? Seriously, Junior, what do you want from me?" Guerrero paused, fuming. "You want me to sit here and whine about how life's not fair?" He shook his head with contempt. "How some pregnant broad can get herself impaled on the highway and lose everything in the span of a few seconds while all the low-lives out there are free to roam."
Junior took a breath to speak but wasn't given the time.
"Or, how 'bout this- two assassins. Take, for example," he shrugged and motioned with his hand, "you and me. Unscathed. In perfect health in spite of everything we've been up against over the years. What for? The sole purpose of killing more people." He faced Junior squarely. "And you know what? That's life. Plain and simple."
Junior resisted the urge to get defensive. "You know I hate to have to interrupt a perfectly good tirade as much as the next guy but, uh, while that may still be my only 'purpose' in life, as you put it, you do realize how lucky you are to have been given another?"
Guerrero froze. After a few seconds of deliberating, he sighed and looked almost apologetic.
Junior went on. "They said they think he's gonna be alright."
Guerrero glanced at his lap. "Yeah. Been examining him and running all sorts of tests. They're surprised by the how good the results have come back."
Somehow Junior didn't sense enough enthusiasm, even given the circumstances, from his friend as he spoke. "But?" He inclined his head.
"But what?" Guerrero cocked an eyebrow.
"Is there something else? I don't know, you just don't seem all that...um..." Junior found himself searching for a tactful word.
"Relieved?" Guerrero offered, nodding quickly.
Junior felt a little guilty, "For lack of a better word."
"Well..just 'cause he's probably gonna be ok, doesn't necessarily mean we'll be, you know?" He looked skyward. "Sure this doesn't come as much of a shocker, dude, but I'm not exactly an expert on babies. Or being a father." He pressed his lips into a straight line. "In hindsight, I admit that having Sarah do most of the planning probably wasn't the best strategy. Guess I just don't know how I'm gonna pull this off by myself, bro."
"Why are you so convinced you have to do it alone?"
Guerrero looked skeptically back at Junior, waiting for him to elaborate.
His friend still had that sincere look to him that he'd had all day, now with a hint of confusion. "What?"
Guerrero continued to stare, eyebrows raised. "Dude. Seriously."
"I'm just saying. It might be safer, you should at least think about it."
Guerrero snorted. Unbelievable. "Honestly bro, I don't know how to tell you this, and... while I appreciate the, uh, sentiment, that would be like the ultimate recipe for disaster."
It took a few seconds for Junior to catch up. He started to chuckle quietly and he shook his head. "Look Guerrero, you know I'd be willing to help out in any way I can but... I kind of meant, you know, someone in your family. Or something." He beamed.
Guerrero looked away, trying to conceal a hint of a smirk. "Right." Junior noted some color returning to his face. "Just that, knowing you, bro, it's exactly the ridiculous kind of thing I'd expect you to say. You've got to admit." Guerrero glanced back at him after a moment. "Anyway, I'm sure I'll figure something out."
"You always do."
.
Hands shoved in his pockets, Guerrero leaned forward to peer down into the incubator. He tried hard to concentrate on what the nurse was saying as she explained how to pick up and handle an infant. Junior watched his friend from several feet away with mild amusement. To him, it looked as though Guerrero was anticipating an ambush. Watching the scene unfold around him, he was satisfied with his decision to stick around (despite his friend's assurance that he didn't have to.)
The nurse opened the top and gently lifted the new-born to place him in his father's arms. She adjusted his hold and ensured the baby was well-supported before giving him some space, to supervise from a distance.
Guerrero gazed down at the baby with a pained expression. Familiar blue eyes stared back up at him. He felt his trip-wire fight-or-flight tension slowly melting away. The moment was surreal, leaving him feeling a little euphoric even with the still-settling heartache. "Hey dude," he whispered, brushing the baby's cheek with his thumb.
Junior observed Guerrero, gentle and strangely unsure of himself. He was brought back some twenty years, remembering his friend as the kid he once was and recalling himself in that era as well. The memories stood in sharp contrast with the reality before him. He began to muse over the damage that time had done to them, how much they had changed and been hardened over the years. His best friend was suddenly thrust into fatherhood under some of the worst circumstances imaginable yet Junior still found himself secretly happy for him. He knew Guerrero had been slowly losing his humanity for a long time now with the life they led, and he needed something to keep him grounded. That tiny spark of life cradled in his arms had so much potential to change his world. Junior saw himself following down the same path and wondered if he'd ever be so lucky as to be granted a second chance, an 'out'.
Junior was quickly pulled from his contemplation when he realized he was also being spoken to. Guerrero was watching him with a bit of a puzzled look. Not much in the mood for philosophy anyway, Junior pushed his thoughts to the back of his mind and approached them. Getting a good look at his friend's son for the first time, he was surprised by how nervous he suddenly felt.
"You alright, bro?" Guerrero asked.
"Fine. You?"
Guerrero nodded once but saw that Junior wasn't paying attention, too focused on the baby. He turned slightly, making it easier for his friend to see.
"Wow." Junior reached out tentatively to touch the infant's hand with a finger, almost afraid to touch anywhere else for fear of breaking him, he was so tiny. "What are you going to call him?"
"Alex... It was one of the few names we could agree on."
Junior nodded. His finger trailed from the back of Alex's hand to his palm and after a second, the baby wrapped his fingers around Junior's and held it there. Junior smiled broadly.
"Huh. He took to you pretty quick." Guerrero couldn't help but smile.
"It must be in his blood."
Guerrero rolled his eyes. "Very funny, dude."
The two assassins stood there coddling the new-born until the nurse, who had been silently monitoring from the sidelines while continuing her work, signaled that Alex should be returned to his incubator. She found the scene so adorable, she almost felt guilty to interrupt it.
"Alright kid, you're gonna have to let up on your Uncle Mike. He needs his hand back in one piece and you need to get some rest."
Junior gently pulled away from the baby's grip. He watched Guerrero hand Alex over to the nurse who placed him back in his incubator. Junior was somewhat touched but decided not to get too emotional over his new title of uncle and the notion of trust it conveyed. He figured that his friend was probably unaware he'd even said it, like the whole 'bro' thing.
.
"Listen Guerrero, I'm gonna get going. I've never been too good with hospitals. If you want though, we could get something to eat and I could bring you back here after."
"Actually, I'm going to stay here a bit longer. Got a lot to think about and I kind of need some time to myself, bro."
"Whatever you say. You sure you're going to be alright?"
Guerrero nodded. "Hardest part's over."
Junior wasn't so convinced it was, but he didn't want his concern to become suffocating. "Anything you need, don't be shy." He was turning to leave.
"Junior."
The taller man turned back.
"I, uh, just wanted to say that..." Guerrero ran a hand through his hair, feeling as uncomfortable as he looked, "that things might have gone a lot worse if you hadn't been here today. I mean it, dude."
Junior narrowed his eyes and shook his head. "Don't worry about it. You've always had my back." He nodded towards Alex. "Besides, I wouldn't have missed this for the world."
Guerrero stared at him levelly. "Thanks, bro."