EDWARD FROWNED AND CONSIDERED PROTESTING THIS, BUT DECIDED NOT TO ARGUE WITH THE PERSON FLYING HIM ALONG TO SEE YUKARI. HE WAS, HOWEVER, GRATEFUL FOR THE SHADE PROVIDED BY THE PARASOL SAKUYA WAS HOLDING.
"WAIT A MINUTE, WHY AM I DOING THE CARRYING? YOU'RE BIGGER, SAKUYA!"
"BUT MISSTRESS, IF I WERE TO CARRY HIM, WHO WOULD HOLD YOUR PARASOL FOR YOU?"
"I COULD DO THAT MUCH MYSELF!"
"DON'T BE SILLY, MISSTRESS. I COULDN'T POSSIBLY ALLOW YOU TO DIRTY YOUR HANDS WITH SUCH SERVANT LABOR." SAKUYA STIFLED A SNICKER AS REMILIA HUFFED, TRYING TO THINK OF A SUITABLE RETORT. PATCHOULI WAS TRAILING BEHIND THEM, VOMITING COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF BLOOD ALL OVER THE FOREST AND RUINING SEVERAL YOUKAI PLAY-DATES. IT WAS A RELATIVELY NORMAL DAY FOR THE SCARLET DEVIL MANSION AS THEY AIR-LIFTED EDWARD TO MAYOHIGA.
JUST AS THEY ARRIVED, CHEN FLEW OUT TO GREET THEM.
"NO MORE! NO MORE PEOPLE COMING TO BEAT ME UP AND STEAL OUR STUFF! I DON'T CARE IF IT'S LUCKY!"
EDWARD WAS LOST IN HIS OWN THOUGHTS AT THIS POINT, AND DIDN'T RESPOND TO THIS. 'WHAT? A CATGIRL? I THOUGHT THOSE ONLY EXISTED IN THOSE DIRTY JAPANESE COMICS JASPER AND ALICE WERE INTO..'
"SHUT UP, CHEN, UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE MADE INTO SNACKS." SAKUYA READIED HER KNIVES, CAUSING CHEN TO COWER AND RUN BACK INSIDE, YELLING FOR RAN.
EDWARD SUDDENLY CAME UPON A MEMORY. IN IT, HE HAD GONE TO SEE WHAT JASPER AND ALICE WERE DOING WITH THEIR NEW COMPUTER. UNFORTUNATELY, HE FAILED TO KNOCK, AND WALKED IN ON HIS 'SIBLINGS' MOSTLY NAKED IN FRONT OF SEVERAL SEXUAL DEPICTIONS OF A TOO-YOUNG LOOKING CATGIRL WITH TWO TAILS. THEY BOTH SAID AT THE SAME TIME...
"CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!" EDWARD WAS SHAKEN OUT OF HIS THOUGHTS BY RAN'S YELLING. WHEN HE LOOKED DOWN AT THE HOUSE THEY HAD FLOWN TO, HE SAW A MUCH LARGER WOMAN WITH FOX EARS AND TAILS. LOTS OF TAILS. HE MADE A MENTAL NOTE TO NEVER GO TO JAPAN AS HE FINALLY REALIZED WHAT THIS WORLD WAS.
"I BET YOU ARE THE ONE WHO TORMENTED CHEN, AREN'T YOU?" RAN YELLED AT SAKUYA.
"DON'T JUDGE SOMETHING BY LOOKS ALONE."
"OH, I'M MISTAKEN."
"NO, YOU AREN'T."
BEFORE RAN COULD DECLARE A SPELLCARD, SAKUYA STOPPED TIME, THEN GRABBED PATCHOULI, WHO HAD JUST CAUGHT UP, AND PLACED HER DIRECTLY ABOVE THE TWO SHIKIGAMI. AS TIME BEGAN AGAIN, THEY FOUND THEMSELVES SUDDENLY COVERED IN BLOOD.
"YOU ARE ALREADY DEAD." SAKUYA DECLARED WHILE STRIKING A COOL POSE. THE SHIKIGAMI DUO SHRIEKED AND RAN INSIDE TO GET YUKARI.
"SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON AROUND HERE LATELY?" REMILIA SAID WITH EXASPERATION AS SHE DROPPED EDWARD OFF AND FLEW UNDER THE EAVES OF THE HOUSE TO AVOID BEING SUNBURNT. SAKUYA SHRUGGED, THEN USHERED THE GROUP INSIDE. AFTER A FEW MINUTES OF SEARCHING, THEY FOUND THE BEDROOM, WHICH CONTAINED A MOVING PILE OF BLANKETS.
"OHMIGOSH A BLANKET MONSTER! SAKUYA, KILL!"
"CALM DOWN, MISSTRESS. IT'S PROBABLY YUKARI HERSELF."
SLOWLY, THE BLANKETS SHIFTED, REVEALING A BLEARY-EYED YUKARI. "Okay, what is it that you people had to wake me up for?"
"WELL, THIS EDWARD CULLEN GUY RANDOMLY SHOWED UP AT MY MANSION, AND WE'RE TRYING TO SEND HIM BACK HOME SO HE CAN MAKE MORE MOVIES IN THE HUMAN WORLD, AND I DON'T KNOW, I JUST WANTED TO BE ALL COOL AND RESOLVE AN INCIDENT FOR ONCE!"
"Okay, okay, calm down. And Remilia, why are you talking like that?"
"LIKE WHAT?"
"...Nevermind. Anyway, I don't know why or how Mr. Cullen wound up in Gensokyo, but I can certainly open a gap to send him back. We certainly have enough vampires here already."
"HEY WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?"
"I AGREE. IT'S TOO MUCH OF A HASSLE." PATCHOULI CHIMED IN.
"YEAH, IT'S BEST TO JUST HAVE THE TWO NOISY ONES AND A COUPLE OF QUIET ONES." SAKUYA AGREED, BEING MINDFUL OF PC-98 CANON.
REMILIA TURNED RED AND STARTED SNIFFLING, AND EVERYONE BECAME AWARE OF HER TRUE POWER - ABILITY TO MANIPULATE EMOTIONS BY BEING PATHETIC AND ADORABLE.
"Aaaanyway, if you'll just step through this portal Mr. Cullen, you should be back home in a day or so." YUKARI DREW A LINE IN THE AIR WITH HER PARASOL, CREATING A VERTICAL GAP IN SPACE. EDWARD GULPED VISIBLY FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE DYING, THEN STEPPED CLOSER.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, IN A DAY OR SO? IS THIS THING DANGEROUS? AND WHAT'S ON THE OTHER SIDE?"
"Oh, it's fine. It takes a while to send people so far if they don't actually belong here, and sometimes you bump into other travelers along the way, but you don't seem to have many interdimensional enemies, so you should be fine." YUKARI SAT UP TO REVEAL THAT SHE WAS, IN FACT, A NUDE SLEEPER. EDWARD LOOKED AWAY RESPECTFULLY, REMILIA AND SAKUYA GLARED WITH JEALOUSY, AND PATCHOULI CASUALLY ADJUSTED THE TOO-SMALL BRA SHE WORE TO KEEP HER MANSIONMATES FROM GOING INSANE WITH JEALOUSY.
AS EDWARD MOVED TO WALK THROUGH THE GAP, GOODBYES WERE QUICKLY EXCHANGED, THEN STIFLED BY YUKARI CASUALLY YAWNING AND STRETCHING, THEN LETTING HER OUTSTRETCHED HAND FALL ON EDWARD'S ASS BEFORE GIVING HIM A SQUEEZE AND A PUSH. "Mmm, nice and young." EVERYONE WAS AGHAST.
As Edward was pushed through space by the gap, he slowly found himself feeling more normal than usual. Almost as though there were some mysterious magic affecting him just by being in the other world. He felt full of chagrin and prettiness, and realized he left the stove on at home while warming some sheep blood casserole from the previous night. However, when he finally felt himself stop moving, he wasn't at home, but a different dimension entirely...
What will become of our dashing hero? Where is he now? Why isn't this shitty story over yet? Find out the next time I can be bothered to write something for it, in our final chapter!