Chapter two is up! Yay!

SIRIUS

The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball

I am not allowed to joke about Remus' "time of the month"

I am not allowed to claim that growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is "Extra Herbology Work"

I will not use Peter's socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherin-House mascot

If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, assume that I am not allowed to use it

I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways

First years are not to be sent into the Forbidden Forest.

I will stop referring to showering as "Giving Moaning-Myrtle an eye-full"

I will not make, "OMGWTF" a spell

It is not necessary to yell, "BAMF!" every time I Apparate

I will not poke Hufflepuff's with spoons, nor shall I insist that their colors indicate that they're "covered in bee's"

If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that and draw a Dark Mark on their arm, not even if they are in Slytherin

House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers

I will not start every potion's class by asking Slughorn if the potion is acceptable as a sexual lubricant

Gryffindor Courage does not come in bottles labeled, "Firewhiskey"

I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet

"To conquer the Earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not a career choice

I will not tell the first years that Filch is the Voice of God

I am not allowed to steal James' glasses, and then ask Lily out.

I must not turn Lily's hair blue and leave a note saying "Red's not your color, love James.

I must not ask James if he's exited for hunting season.

I must not put bows in James' hair

I am not allowed to sing the song 'Dirty little secret' and change the words to 'furry little secret' around Remus

When Remus is in the library I must not jump out from behind bookshelves, just to see him jump

I must not steal Peter's socks and threaten to feed them to the house elves.

I will not give Peter dating tips.

I will not tell James to give up on Lily

I will not convince the first years to build tree houses in the Whomping Willow

I must not pinch Peter's cheeks.

I must not burn Peter's toast

I will not convince Peter that Snape secretly wants him

Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.

It is exceptionally tasteless to tell Remus Lupin "Once you go Black, you never go back."

The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason.

I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.

I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.

I am not being repressed.

I will not change the password to the prefects' bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".

There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.

Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.

I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.

I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".

There is no such thing as a were-thylacine.

Tricking the schoolhouse elf into stripping does not mean they are now mine even if I yell "Pwned!"

I will not claim Chick Tracts are an accurate presentation of Muggle life.

"42″ is not the answer to every question to the O.W.L.'s

I will not teach the first-years to sing "A Wizard's Staff Has A Knob On The End".

I will not go to meals dressed as Choda Boy

I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor

It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory no matter how wicked the result would be.

A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or drumming on desks, no matter how bored I become.

First-years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow.

Novelty or holiday themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.

I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library

I will not use Slytherin and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations

If asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling "It does DEATH!" may be correct but it is not the manner in which one should answer

Ravenclaw's (and Remus) do not find a sign saying, "The library is closed for and indefinite time period" amusing in any sense

I will not follow potions instructions in reverse order just to see what happens

I will not douse James Potter's Invisibility Cloak with lemon juice to see if he will become visible wearing it and standing near the fire in the common room

My name is not "The Dark Lord Happy-Pants" and I am not allowed to sign my papers as such.

There is no such thing as the Chamber of Double Secret Probation

I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow Peeps.

I am not allowed to introduce myself to the first years as Tim the Enchanter

I will not try and start Naked Thursdays in the Common Room.

I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways

The Ravenclaws are not "Mentals in training".

I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors.

I will not attempt to recreate the Key to Time in Transfiguration class

I must not draw moustaches on the headmaster portraits

I will not flick things at Remus as he tries to study

There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.

I will not teach the first years to play "The Penis Game" in the Great Hall during dinner

I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue

I will not shriek whenever James enters a room

I will not ask any centaur about its mating habits.

I will not start food fights in the Great Hall

I will not scare the Arithmancy students with Evens' Calculus book.

"Y'all check this-here shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental spell

Getting everyone in the Great Hall to do the Time Warp will not earn me any house points