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Ch. 7
She refused to cry. Refused to flinch. Watching her feet with false intrigue, Clare a.k.a. 47 refused to cease her march…even with her old comrades screaming at her to come back. She didn't know if they were screaming because they were genuinely concerned or because they feared her instability. Probably afraid they would witness a repeat of Clare's suicidal side. Probably…
Desperate for all their prying eyes to leave her body, Clare kept going. She walked so fast that the crash of her feet against the snow overwhelmed the sound of her erratic heart. She just needed to think without so many people pressuring her. So much pressure. Entirely too many ways to screw up. She needed to consider and plan ahead twenty moves before she decided to change anything else. She couldn't just keep saving Teresa. She would never quit leaping through time. For someone so incredibly strong, Teresa seemed to be more destructive-prone than someone like Clarice.
Clare sighed as she continued her haste.
Her feet didn't stop until her ears couldn't hear the pleading anymore. Either they gave up or she ran far enough. With her mind a muddled heap of ideas and self-reprimands, Clare collapsed onto the frozen soil. She didn't even notice the temperature. Her body felt numb with adrenaline and anger.
Quietly she mumbled to herself, her hot breath steaming in the air, "I can change
what I did. Or I can go a little bit back and see what went wrong. I could stay with her forever and keep her safe. Hell…what can I do that she can't. I'm nobody's guard. Ok…calm down. Think it through. What can I do? Oh, um, Priscilla…not strong enough! Completely hiding her… Keep her in the future - new life.
Need my power though! How can I steal her blood for little Clare? I still wouldn't have the drive. Ahhh!" her voice reached a peak of hysteria. She thrashed wildly. Her eyes even shifted to their spooky gold. Eventually her brain function crashed to zero.
Eventually she just laid on the snow with her arms out above her head and her feet spread. She looked like a mangled snow angel now. So pure in color - pale everything - but still she contained that monster inside. A stranger would see only a beautiful, stressed angel.
Teresa watched the terrible fit for an hour. She patiently waited until Clare appeared somewhat calm…somewhat placid. Her heart wrought as she watched her child. Her smooth voice tore through the frosty atmosphere that engulfed them both, "Clare." Clare didn't move though. In fact, she played dead.
In her inner sanctuary, Clare reminded herself, "I'm just a dirty coward." She couldn't even face this woman that she loved so much…too much. She suppressed a painful flinch when she heard Teresa sigh.
Teresa strolled closer. Her eyes swallowed the girl below her. It hurt to look at such a mess of a woman. "Have I really caused you this much pain?" Clare noticed a wound in Teresa rising to the surface. "I've worried that you…your younger self…would suffer because of me, but - I really didn't think it'd be this horrific. You're not even living…alive, yes, but not living. Child, how can I do this to you?"
Clare's eyes squeezed painfully. She couldn't bar the tears from slipping through, however. She shook her head vehemently. "You've grown nicely though. I can see a bit of humanity in you. You are not alone, Clare. I'm going to help you. I'll always help you." Teresa coaxed Clare to listen.
Again Clare shook her head although this time with less force. Her body was wearing down…her emotional state overrode her physical. "Y-you should hate me, Teresa. That's twice now, I've gotten you killed. You are going to die, because of ME. You haven't hurt me…I hurt you. You're too nice…too caring. Just leave me alone and you'll be safe." Clare never opened her eyes even as her voice flowed from her throat. Only her lips moved. Teresa couldn't even see the warrior's chest rise and fall.
"Did you mean to hurt me?" Teresa's question jarred Clare. She never expected those words. In fact, she didn't even expect the tenderness of them either.
Clare's eyes rapidly widened and focused on her hero. "Of course not, but-" Her voice squeaked, but Teresa didn't allow her to continue.
"Then, you have no true regret. Hey, why would I leave you. I'd be ignoring my own advice. I only live when I'm with you. You woke me up…resuscitated me to life. Clare, I feel like I have a soul for the first time in years. Only through you am I living." Teresa's eyes pleaded with Clare to understand. Please please…just listen.
Clare suddenly turned timid. Her head lowered to the side, and her movements softened. The change startled Teresa slightly. Finally, Clare responded, "And I you." With her head downcast toward the ground, Clare caught a glimpse of Teresa's shock. Clare sat up and cradled her knees.
She watched Teresa for a moment before continuing, "That's why I can't really let you go. That's why I've tried so hard. I…know you'd be safer without me, but…it's so hard to just push you away. Do you see why I don't live? We are one…the goddesses, I suppose. Teresa, I don't want you to leave me again." Her breathing didn't' change, but tears slid down her pale cheeks. Her silver eyes gleamed in the white world.
Grimly Teresa looked at the girl melting in front her. "I know this is hard. You should never have had the option to change anything…only makes my death more difficult. In truth, we should put everything back…let me murder those men." Clare shook her head…her eyes trained on Teresa. "I know…I knew you wouldn't agree. I'll make a deal with you. I will give you one more chance to 'fix' this…then, we must restore the past. I don't think we should tell your loud friend that though."
Slowly…a grin stretched on Clare's face. She nodded, glad that Teresa would trust her with this. Then, Clare hesitated. She opened her lips, but didn't speak. "What is it, Clare?" Teresa instantly picked up on Clare's anxiety.
"I…well, I know I'm grown now…that means I can't hug you anymore. Doesn't it? I know you don't trust me. You barely look at me or talk to me now. I know I'm not a child anymore that means I'm not supposed to-" Before Clare could drag her rant out, Teresa wrapped her slender arms around Clare's shoulders. A bit of heat flushed through Clare's face, but she loosened up soon.
"I don't know you in this body, but I know you. Clare, you're my responsibility…I took you because I wanted to. Just because you grow a little doesn't mean I disown you." The words calmed Clare down immediately. Clare buried her head into Teresa's neck.
"I'll fix this, Teresa, " Clare vowed. Even with her words muffled, Teresa heard the sincerity.
"I know, Clare, " Teresa sounded worried…she saw the desperation in the girl. She could see that Clare wouldn't stop. Reason had abandoned Clare long ago. If anyone could keep Clare rational, it would be Teresa. If Clare didn't fix it, Teresa would…although their definition of fix may differ.
