Bella stepped out of the forest, the moonlight playing in her hair like iridescent razor blades with LEDs in them.
Edward stepped out behind her, his shirt off for some reason.
A rustling from the bushes, and Jacob stepped out, his shirt too, mysteriously missing.
"Hello Edward," Jacob snarled. "I-"
Jacob was interrupted by a raptor who, having never worn a shirt, was less surprisingly bare-torsoed. The raptor leaped through the air, severing Jacob's head from his shoulders with one massive swipe of his mighty talons.
"Fuck me," said Edward. "I didn't know raptors-"
Edward was also interrupted as a second unsurprisingly-shirtless raptor parachuted down from a hovering Apache Longbow helicopter and ate Edward's head.
"Ummm ... you raptors who are eating my boyfriend?" Bella postulated. "Could you like ... not?"
"Shut up bitch," said the first raptor who, while normally incapable of speech, had been fitted with one of those collar-thingies that let the dogs in "Up" talk, "this doesn't concern you."
"Well, I really think it does, because-"
A third shirtless raptor rose up from his hiding spot in the deep grass, and ate Bella. Which is more than Edward or Jacob ever did.
The End.