Chapter 4

My wrists throb with the wanting. I never truly understood it until now. No, I take that back; I still don't understand it. But now I can really see the need my body has for the blade. I am desperate.

Elliot has taken everything sharp from my apartment, despite my protests. He took all of my silverware except the spoons, he took my gun, my pocket blade, and yes, he took any glass I had in case I went crazy and smashed it. I suppose I should thank him for helping, but right now my mind is filled with the want and need for blood.

"Elliot!" I call.

"What's up, Liv?" he asks.

I rub my arm nervously.

"Where's my wallet?" I ask.

He gives me a stern look.

"You mean 'where is your cutting blade'?" he asks.

"Don't call it that," I order, my head dropped in shame. "Elliot you don't understand... I need it. Badly."

"You're recovering, Liv," he tells me, coming over and sitting next to me on the couch. He examines my wrists with satisfaction. "See? They're healing. They'll scar, yes, by they're healing."

I pull my wrist away, still ashamed. I glance at my nails, and my heart nearly leaps out of my chest. He hasn't made me cut my nails. I can see them against my skin, and the throbbing grows worse. Unfortunately, Elliot follows my gaze.

"Don't," he warns, growling and grabbing my hands. "Olivia, I mean it. DON'T."

"I... I won't," I tell him, though it is a big lie. I can't even bring myself to look at him. "I won't."

"Promise me," he orders. I hesitate, and he squeezes my hands harder. "Olivia…"

"I promise," I blurt. But the words are as meaningless as they have come out of my mouth. "I… I promise."

"Good," he smiles, and pats my hands. He gets up and walks to the kitchen, and begins to go through my fridge. "What do you want to do for dinner?"

"It doesn't matter," I say, running my fingers gently over the puckered skin of my scars. I've been doing that a lot lately. I can feel the raised skin, and I sigh to myself.

What did I ever do to deserve this?

This will take a while.

My eyes open wide.

You're back.

I never left.

I told you to leave.

Shame, that. I was having so much fun talking to you.

Go away.

I'm never going to leave you alone, Olivia.

Fuck you.

Language, please!

I shake my head in disgust, and Elliot notices.

"Are you okay, Liv?" he asks, taking a pot out of the cabinet. He looks at it sternly and blows the thick layer of dust off.

"Fine," I reply, shaking my head again.

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

Can you PLEASE just SHUT UP?

Can I? Yes. Will I? Um… no.

You disgust me.

Ditto.

"Olivia, are you sure you're okay?" Elliot asks. By now I'm sure he is concerned.

"I'm fine, Elliot!" I snap, with more force than I had originally intended. "Just leave me alone!"

I shoot up and storm into my room, my ears ringing with the bang as I slam the door. I begin to cry, covering my face with my hand as I stand, sobbing. I don't know what has come over me, nor do I care. But that doesn't stop my partner. Slowly, Elliot opens the door and walks in. He approaches me just as slowly, and wraps him arms around me comfortingly. He buries his face in my hair and I lean into him, aching for comfort.

"It's okay, Liv," he tells me soothingly. "Everything will be okay."

"I don't know what to do, Elliot," I admit, tears running down my cheeks. "One minute I'm happy as can be, and the next I'm… I'm like this!"

"Shhh….it's okay, Olivia," Elliot smiles, pulling me closer. "It's going to be okay. You'll be okay. We'll get through this together."

"I don't want to drag you down, Elliot," I told him, pulling away. "You'd be smart to just walk out that door and never come back. It's okay, Elliot. I won't be mad."

But like I had expected, he just pulls me tighter and hugs me.

"You know I could never do that to you, Liv," he smiles. "I could never leave you like this."

"I know," I sigh, still crying. "I just don't want you hurt either."

"Olivia," Elliot assures me, "the only thing you could do to hurt me would be to tell me you didn't want to be around me anymore."

I don't know how to respond to that, so I simply lean back into him and sigh.

"Thank you, Elliot," I sigh, closing my eyes, "for being here for me."

"I'll do anything for you, Liv," he smiles. "You're my best friend, and there will never be another person like you."

"Thank you, Elliot," I repeat.

"I'll stay with you, Liv," Elliot smiles. "I'll help you through this. Like I said, we'll get through it together. The both of us; I'll be here for you."

"ELLIOT YOU BASTARD!" I spin around to see Kathy, of all people, standing in my doorway.

"Kathy?" Elliot cries. "What are you doing here?"

"Finding my husband!" Kathy shouts, her face red with anger. "But I guess that means nothing to him now! I'm only the mother of your children Elliot, don't mind me! I don't want to interrupt anything!"

"Kathy, wait!" Elliot cries, but she is already half-way out the door.

He runs out the door after her, grabbing her wrist.

"Let go of me!" Kathy orders, but Elliot remains strong.

"Kathy, it's not what you think!" he snaps.

"I heard what you said to her!" Kathy snaps back. "Elliot, what am I supposed to think! I can't have you cheating on me, Elliot!"

"You think…?" Elliot begins. "Kathy, no! No, no, no, Kathy, that is NOT what is going on here."

"Well what is going on, then, Elliot?" Kathy demands.

"Olivia's going through a tough time right now, Kathy," Elliot replies, "and she's having some issues she's having trouble working out. I need to be there to help her."

"What is it, Elliot?" Kathy asks, more concerned than angry now. She has never really hated, me, I realize… it was more just the general case of jealousy than anything else. But her nurse's instincts clearly have taken overs, and I can see she is now calm. "What's wrong with Olivia?"

"Kathy, she…" Elliot sighs before continuing. I give him a slight nod, allowing him to continue. "She's been cutting herself."

Kathy's heart has melted, and she runs back into the room. She embraces me tightly, tears running down her cheeks.

"Olivia, I'm so sorry!" she cries. "I never realized-!"

"It's okay, Kathy," I reply as she releases me. "I didn't mean to take Elliot away from his family."

"It's okay," Kathy replies. She fixes her bag over her shoulder, any evidence of her past sympathy gone in mere seconds. "I'm going to get the kids. Elliot, we're going out to dinner. You're going with your family."

"Kath, I'd love to, but I have to be here for-" Elliot began to say.

"Olivia can manage for a night without you," Kathy interjects sharply. "Get ready, Elliot, we're leaving."

Kathy leaves, and I put a hand on Elliot's shoulder.

"I'll be okay," I assure him. "Go ahead."

He just sighs and leaves, and I rub my arms nervously.

You're not going to make this easy for me, are you?

Not by a long shot.

Notes: I am SOOOO sorry I haven't updated in a while but my internet has been down for the longest time because of a virus that caught my computer before I had the chance to get protection. The virus was a scam called Best Malware Protection, and caused my internet to malfunction. We got rid of the virus and got virus protection before any real damage was done, but that's why I haven't been able to update. If you guys ever see this Best Malware Protection, it is a SCAM and will screw with your computer. Haha my safety bit is over now. More angst and drama to come in the next chapter. X3 Thanks for reading and please review!