Chapter 5

I can't move.

I lay in my bed, shivering as another spasm induces me. I cry out in pain, but I know no one can hear me. It had crashed over me soon after Elliot had left, and I knew once he was gone he wouldn't be able to come back. I had assured him I would be fine, but I had lied. The truth was, I hadn't known if I would make it through the night. Now I was sure I wouldn't make it. My dreams had been riddled with nightmares, and I still shiver at the dark, violent memory.

I was in Central park in the dead of night, shadows wrapping around me like clouds. They took one swipe at me after another, and I cried out each time. It shook my entire body, and I ached all over.

"What do you want?" I cried in angst. "Stop! Please, stop!"

A dark form manifested in front of me in the shape of a man, his hair slick and his eyes dark as the shadows around him. He had the voice I recognized from my… conversations. But his voice had never sounded more dark and evil than it did now.

"You're growing weaker, Olivia," he taunted, and with a swipe of his hand a shadow lashed out and swept through me, my entire body rippling with pain. I felt as though the was a giant hole in my chest, as though I had been hurt emotionally too. "He left you, Olivia. He chose his wife over helping you. And now you'll die here, alone, and unloved."

I wanted to reply, but I couldn't speak. He had stolen my voice, and all I could do was to sob on my side and wish for it all to go away. And then, everything had disappeared, I was falling.

I couldn't find anything to cling to, and I fell so much deeper. I reached out for anything, anyone to grab onto. But they all fled and turned away. And with each rejection I fell deeper. First it was Alex, and then Casey. Then Fin, Munch, and Cragen. When Elliot approached, I was sure he would help, so I reached out my hand.

"Please," I begged.

But he shook his head sadly, and Kathy came up behind him, gently stroking his neck and purring.

"I'm sorry, Olivia," he whispered, and then he was gone.

And I fell deeper than I ever had. Then finally, I hit the bottom with a jolt, and I curled my knees to my chest in the darkness. I hurt physically, mentally, and now emotionally. I was going to die here, I realized, like he had said. Alone, and unloved.

"No one loves you," the voice told me as the shadows returned and began to spiral me, "they proved that to you now. Your boyfriends never work out because you drive them away with your work, and the one man you love won't give up the other woman for you. Why, you ask? Because he thinks you're not worth it, Olivia. You're not worth it to him."

I sobbed into the hard, cold ground.

"Why are you telling me this?" I demanded. "Why do you hurt me like this?"

"Because," he replied, his voice suddenly soft, "it doesn't have to be this way."

He kneeled down and rubbed my arm tenderly, and suddenly all of my pain was gone. I was alive again, and I could see.

"This is how you could feel forever," he told me.

"What do I need to do?" I whispered.

"End it," he replied. "You know how. It will come anyway, Olivia. It's best it happens now, before others have the chance to get hurt."

And like that, he was gone.

I open my eyes and blink, the voice ringing in my ears.

End it. You know how.

I look at the scabs I have scratched at; they are still bleeding. But it isn't working. I need more blood. I get up abruptly, my body screaming at me through the aching to stop moving. But I ignore it, because if I can do this is will all be over.

Don't do it, a part of me whispers. He's tricking you. He feels cheated, and he doesn't want you getting away again.

I ignore it and look around. At the bed. At the lamp. At the table. Nothing is sharp enough to do the job I need. It would be easier to just jump out the… window. I spin around and look at the window. It is glass; it's perfect for what I need! All I need is something to smash it with! I grab the lamp numbly and thrust the butt of it against the window. It rings out with a thump, but the window doesn't break. I grit my teeth and do it again, harder this time.

"BREAK!" I shout, but it doesn't do as I say.

I cry out and do it again with all my might, and to my satisfaction, the window shatters to the ground. The broken pieces of glass look like raindrops on my carpet, but I can't marvel in it now. I have to end it. I know how.

My somber beauty, the voice purrs. It's your time to come to me now. Go ahead; end it. We will love you over here, Olivia. We will never abandon you.

Images of my mother flash before my mind, and I grab a particularly sharp piece of glass in angst. I bring it to my skin, but hesitate. I can hear Elliot's words in my thoughts.

"Olivia, don't! Don't you dare!"

"I'm sorry, Elliot," I whisper.

And the glass begins to slice through my skin.

It's not through a vein. You need a vein.

I look down to see I have missed the veins in my wrist.

If I bleed enough I won't need a vein.

A vein will be faster. Easier.

Okay.

I go to the vein.

"Olivia no!"

And again, I hear Elliot's voice. He seems so close.

"Elliot," I whisper, "is that you?"

"Olivia, put the glass down. Now, Liv, I mean it."

"But I need it, El," I whisper. "You don't understand. I need it."

"Don't do it, Olivia! Please! If you do this, I can't help you anymore."

"Don't reject me again, Elliot," I begin to sob. "Don't do it again."

A strong pair of arms wraps around me, and the glass falls from my hand.

"I'll never leave you, Liv," Elliot whispers in my ear. "Never again."

Notes: Pretty intense chapter if I do say so myself. :/ Hope I didn't scare y'all away. ;) Thanks for reading and please review!