Pulling back John took a last lingering look at Randy. Somehow he looked younger when he was asleep but he was still frowning and John hated that. He hated that this situation was ripping Randy apart when all any of them had wanted was to rebuild Randy after his breakdown. Sighing he ran a hand over his head then turned on his heel and headed back to the lounge.
Sinking onto the sofa he pulled the blanket over his body and lay down. For once he was grateful for the large overstuff sofas Evan had insisted on at least he could lay on them properly. Closing his eyes he gave a sad sigh then slowly drifted off into a restless sleep.
In his room Cody sat on the edge of his bed trying desperately not to cry. He didn't know what was wrong with him. He was so angry at what was happening and yet he knew it wasn't really anyone's fault. He rubbed at his eyes swearing angrily. Tilting his head back he gave a ragged gasped then spat angrily, "For fuck sake – I just...why the fuck is everything so hard?"
He gave another angry sniff then glancing at the clock he swore and reaching over he grabbed his phone and dialled the all too familiar number. After a few rings a sleepy voice answered and smiling weakly Cody sniffed, "Hey, it's me. You free to talk?"
"For you anytime," came the friendly voice on the other end of the line.
"I feel like everything is falling apart for me," Cody flopped back on the bed staring at the ceiling.
"Things are worse than what you last told me?"
"Yeah," Cody held the phone fast to his ear. "Everything was so perfect until that night when Randy snapped."
"You never really told me what happen that night other than Randy had a breakdown or something like it," the voice replied. "Have things really changed now that John is there?"
"Not really," Cody paused. "Well a little but it shouldn't be affecting me like this."
"Do you want to get away for a while? You could always come and stay with me," the voice offered, and Cody could hear the hope in the familiar voice, "You could stay as long as you want until you decide if you want to go back or not."
"I think that's a good idea," Cody closed his eyes. "I think I need time away to think."
"Call me in the morning and we'll work out when you're coming here, okay."
"Yeah I will," Cody sat up. "Thanks for listening to me."
"Anytime, you know that. Call me in the morning."
"Will do," Cody hung up the phone. "Should I tell Randy now or in the morning when John will be around too?" sighed Cody.
He sat in silence for a few minutes trying to work out what to do. He knew the longer he put it off the harder it would be but he knew too Randy was exhausted and an exhausted viper might not be in the best mood if he woke him up and had that talk with him. Screwing his eyes shut Cody swore again then rubbing the back of his neck he decided to get a drink.
Padding through the silent house he paused in the doorway of the lounge. He was actually surprised to see John sleeping on the couch. He'd assumed that despite saying he wanted to be alone Randy would have taken the big lump to bed with him. But instead John was strewn over the sofa looking decidedly uncomfortable. Feeling a pang of guilt prick his conscious Cody bowed his head and continued to the kitchen.
He was half way through making some hot milk when a soft yawn and a mumbled, "You'kay?" made him turn round.
John was stretching in the door yawning sleepily and looking as shattered as Cody felt.
Cody stared at him a moment then without knowing why he blurted out, "I'm thinking of leaving...for a few days I...I..." he slowly locked his eyes with John and with heartbreaking honesty stammered, "I can't do this I can't...I'm sorry."
"I understand," John leaned against door. "Randy figured you would need to get away for a little while."
"He did?" Cody looked somewhat shocked as he stirred his milk.
"Yeah he said you would probably leave," John walked over to the counter. "I know he doesn't want you to but he's accepted the fact you need a break to figure out what is right for you."
"I'm glad he understands, that takes a load off my mind," Cody poured the milk into a glass. "I guess I can just tell him in the morning."
"Yeah no need to wake him up," John yawned again. "So where are you going?"
"I rather not discuss that because I really want time away without anyone calling me," Cody took a gulp of milk not catching John's eye.
"Okay," John said and left it at that.
"I feel shitty leaving while Evan is in the hospital but I'm not going to help matters," Cody moved away from the counter holding his glass. "I'll just upset him."
"You don't know that," John watch Cody start to leave the room.
"I do know," Cody took the last drink of his milk. "I'm going back to bed. I don't think that couch is made for you - just go upstairs and sleep with Randy. I know for a fact Randy hates sleeping alone."
John stared at him his mouth hanging open slightly. Cody gave a sad strained smile huffing, "Just go to him okay. One of us should be with him and..."
"Why not you then?" asked John cutting across Cody's comment.
Cody glared at him. He felt the all too familiar anger rising in him and he hated that. He balled his free hand and snapped, "Because right now if I went to him we'd end up having a blazing row and we would probably end up hating each other. And I...I. just... I..." he gave a little grow of anger hissing, "Just stop questioning me and go!"
John blinked in surprise then without speaking he turned on his heel and walked out of the kitchen. Cody watched him go, hating himself a little more and hating the whole damn situation. He caught a glimpse of the picture on the wall. A picture of the four of them laughing, tangled together in one large puppy pile out by the pool. He wandered over and tracing a finger over the image, his touch lingered on Randy's face as he whispered, "I'm sorry." Slowly his finger drifted onto Evan's form and with a half formed sobbed he rasped, "Oh Puppy, I hope you can forgive me."
He bowed his head. He knew what he had to do in the morning no matter how much it might rip his heart apart, he had to do it.
X x x x x x x x x x x x
John hesitated outside Randy's room. He was torn. Half of him wanted to just burst in gather Randy in his arms and hold him but the other half of him wanted to go back downstairs and comfort the distressed and obviously hurting young man he'd left in the kitchen. In the end he ended up doing neither, he simply stood staring at Randy's door. He gave a sudden gasp as he realised the situation mirrored one from long ago. A time when he'd stood outside Randy's door before. That time he'd walked away. He'd left Randy. He'd abandoned him to the hands of a man who had abused broken and tormented him. With his face falling into a surprisingly serious expression he took a deep breath and murmured, "Not this time. This time I stay. This time – I do what he needs." And with that he carefully opened the door and slipped into the darkened room.
John walked towards the bed that he could just see thanks to the street light outdoors. Gently he picked up the sheet and a soft voice growled, "John - I told you I wanted to sleep alone."
"What you told me and what you really want are two separate things," John slid under the blankets and spooned against Randy.
"I know but what if Cody wants to talk to me?" Randy squirmed trying to get out of John's grip.
"He does not want to talk to you until morning, he told me down in the kitchen," John tightened his hold on Randy.
"If it was anyone but you or Evan I would say that's a lie," Randy stopped struggling and leaned back against John. "But I know you don't lie."
"What else did he say? Please it will make it easier on me in the morning," Randy shifted and rolled over so he could snuggle against John's chest.
"Said he was going to take off to a friend's just so he can figure things out," John explained.
"Ok good I expected that so did Evan," Randy pressed his forehead to John's. "I'll understand if you need time too John."
"Do you want me to go?" asked John not really wanting to hear the answer.
Randy was silent a moment then shaking his head he confessed, "No. I don't want either of you to go but I...I can't make you stay either. I can't..." his voice faded and he closed his eyes. Everything was going so wrong and he had no idea how to make it better.
John gave a sad smile and tightening his arms around Randy he gave a low huff of laughter confessing, "Glad to hear it because I'm not going. I'm gonna stay as long as you need and want me. I gotta say this last month with you and Evan," he paused trying to compose himself knowing what he was about to say could do more harm than good, "its been the best month of my life. I mean it. I've never felt so...so wanted and I...Randy I...I really don't want to walk away from that."
Randy was silent. He lay in John's embrace, his eyes screwed shut. He was biting his lower lip. His face twitching as he battled internally with his warring emotions.
It was only John's whispered, "I'm sorry," that made Randy respond.
Pulling back slightly Randy frowned and staring down into John's worried eyes, he growled, "Don't apologise. Don't ever say you're sorry for being happy." He hesitated then without warning he kissed John, his mouth smashing into John's with so much force it took John's breath away.
When John regained his composure he kissed back, opening his mouth so Randy's tongue could stroke his. John and Randy pressed tightly together as they could, however there was not rutting , no grinding of parts, this was just a kiss to show the other how much they cared for one another.
"Wow," John smiled as they pulled apart.
"Yeah," Randy snuggled into John's chest. "We should get some sleep tomorrow is going to be hectic."
"Ok," John pulled the sheets over them so they were well covered.
"Don't go down without me in the morning," Randy mumbled sleepily into John's chest.
"I won't now get some sleep," John felt Randy relax in his arms and within moments he could feel Randy sleeping, chuckling to himself, "That was quick."