Dear Kurt
I don't expect you to forgive me any time soon – if ever – but I need to apologize anyway. The things I've said and done to you have been playing over and over again in my mind and I want it to stop. I need to clear my conscience.
Let me start by explaining myself. I know that I have no excuse for the things I've done, but I need you to understand my side of the story.
My dad is deeply religious and because of it, my whole life I've been led to believe that whatever God says goes. If God says we go to church three times a week, then we do. If God says disobedience is a sin, then you don't disobey. If God says homosexuality is evil, then you sure as hell can't be homosexual under my roof. We didn't even speak about it. The concept didn't exist.
In elementary school I had my first crush – a boy called Mark. I really liked him. He was in my class and he went to my church so we were pretty good friends. On Valentine's Day, I made him a card I'd made during arts and crafts period. He didn't say anything – to me anyway. When I got home that day, his parents were sitting in the living room with my parents. They were pretty pissed off. My parents told me to go to my room until Mark's parents left.
I wondered what was going on. Why were they so angry? Where was Mark? Why did my parents look so shocked?
Not long after, my dad came into my room looking really serious. He asked me if I gave Mark the card as a friend or if I meant it as something more. I answered honestly, because I had no idea that it wasn't considered normal for a boy to like a boy. I had never experienced a punishment like it in my life. My father was furious. He said that I'd ruined a friendship that he had had since high school and that I was a disappointment.
I was picked on right through middle school because of it. It got so bad that when my dad got the job offer to come here, he didn't even blink. I had managed to convince him that I knew what I did was wrong and that it wouldn't happen again. Even though he had forgiven me, I knew that I needed to prove that I was a real man. So, when I started at William McKinley, I joined the football team and made myself out to be the man that my father wanted me to be. Inside, I was dying because I knew that I was lying to myself and there was nothing I could do to change it.
Then you came along. You were so confident in who you were, so proud to be you. Even though you were the only openly gay kid in the school, you had no shame. I can tell you with all honesty that the more I thought about you, the more jealous I became. I desperately wanted what you had – a group of friends who love you for who you are, a father who would stand up for you...
And it didn't help that I was starting to fall in love with you.
That day I kissed you – I don't think you understood that I needed you. I know I had no right to feel that way - especially with the way I'd been throwing you around – but in my twisted mind, I thought that if we were already together, it would be easier for me to come out. When you pushed me away, it was like being snapped back to reality. It didn't surprise me that you didn't feel the same way.
I know you have a boyfriend now, and I respect that. I just want you to know that I'm still in love with you. That kiss wasn't just repressed emotion; that was how I really feel about you. You're beautiful and though I know you'd probably never consider me after all I've done, I wish you would.
I know this letter will probably never leave my hands. I just needed to admit who I am and to apologise for what I've put you through. Santana is showing me that it's ok to be who I really am. I'm considering coming out one of these days and when I do, I'm going to tell you to your face how I feel about you, boyfriend or no boyfriend.
Until then, I'm going to have to admire you from a distance.
All my love
Karofsky