Dear Kurt Chapter 4, a glee fanfic

Kurt couldn't stop crying. The shock of what had happened had worn off ages ago and now there was just an aching that he couldn't describe. He lay on his bed with a box of Kleenex, the Les Miserables soundtrack blasting through his iPod earphones. He needed to talk to someone. His dad was upstairs, but he wouldn't understand. He'd just be pissed off about the Karofsky of it all. He couldn't even imagine having a decent conversation about this with Finn. He'd tried talking to Blaine, but that hadn't worked, and what could he really tell him after what he had done now? He considered calling Mercedes, but he knew that she was too busy worrying about her own love life (she was in love with Sam, but wouldn't admit it).

The one person Kurt needed right then was his mom. It was times like these that he missed her more than he could even understand. He knew that he could go to Carole, and he probably would, but this was one of those things he wished he could talk to his mom about.

Trying to compose himself enough to get to the study where Carole was working without alerting his dad's "Kurt Senses", he got off the bed and made his way as nonchalantly as possible to her. He was grateful for Carole in new ways every day. She was perfect for his dad and made a great makeover subject, but more than anything, it was times like this that Kurt found he could really be grateful that there was a woman in the house.

"Carole?" he said knocking on the door of the study. She was typing away furiously, no doubt trying to shift enormous piles of paper as usual. He marvelled at how hard she worked at something that would have slowly sucked the life out of him. She looked up from her work, pushing her glasses down so that she could see who it was.

"Hi Kurt," she said with a smile, "is there something I can help you with?" Kurt nodded and lost his composure again. "Oh honey," Carole said, standing up and putting her arms around Kurt. She closed the door and led him to the small sofa in one corner of the study. She let him cry for a few minutes, handing him Kleenex after Kleenex. Finally, when he calmed down a bit, she asked him what was wrong. Kurt explained about the letter and then Blaine and finally about what had happened in the gymnasium.

"I'm just so confused. I thought things were going to be easier after Karofsky apologized but everything just keeps getting screwed up. I don't even understand my own feelings anymore. I really, really like Blaine, but I didn't hate kissing Karofsky either. I just don't know what to do anymore."

"I think the best thing you could do right now is get a good night's sleep. I'll tell your dad and Finn that you're not feeling well and that they shouldn't disturb you. You go sleep it off. You have the whole weekend to deal with your feelings." Carole kissed Kurt on the forehead affectionately and gave him a tight hug.

"Thanks Carole," said Kurt. "You always know what to say."

"I'm glad I could help. Now I'm serious – get some rest. No more Les Mis." She said with a wink, sending him off to his room.

Kurt went back to his room smiling slightly. If he couldn't have his mom anymore, he was glad he had Carole.

Santana was bummed out. It was her and Karofsky's "date night" and while he had done everything right so far, she could tell his head wasn't in the game. He was miserable and he wasn't eating. She watched him push the same meatball around his plate for a full six minutes before she snapped.

"Okay Karofsky, you have thirty seconds to explain why you're acting like a panda who's mom got poached," she said, an annoyed look on her face.

"Sorry, it's just been a bad week. I'm trying, but I'm just not me tonight," he said, putting his fork down. She didn't like seeing him like this. Did this have something to do with the letter? She hoped not. That wasn't the look of someone who had successfully confessed their love to somebody. That was the look of someone who was in love with someone who was in love with someone else. She knew that feeling.

"Hey, if you want to go home, it's ok. I only live a couple of blocks from here. I'll sponsor this one," Santana said, placing a comforting hand on Karofsky's.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"Positive. My life is depressing enough without you being all lame on our dates," Santana grinned.

"Thank you," said Karofsky. He gave her a quick hug and went to his car. He had never felt worse in his entire life. How do you justify torturing someone, despite being in love with him only to kiss him now that he's found somebody who would actually treat him right. He didn't deserve Kurt and he knew it. So why couldn't he just leave it alone?

He needed to find somewhere to think and maybe vent a little. The idea of the school auditorium suddenly entered his mind. He'd never admit it, but he loved to sing and the idea of the stage and the big, empty hall gave him an idea.

Kurt was making no progress in sorting out this crisis. Blaine kept texting him and Kurt kept ignoring him. He couldn't face him, not after what he had done with Karofsky and he didn't even know if he wanted to. Blaine had pissed him off and it would take more than some cheap text apology to change that.

He was now also confused with his feelings towards Karofsky. That kiss had been pretty amazing. Unlike with the first one, Kurt knew that this time it wasn't to mess him around or screw up his life. He was starting to believe that Karofsky was indeed a new man. At the same time, he couldn't ignore what had happened. He wished he could understand these ridiculous feelings.

What he needed was the auditorium and a grand piano. So, after letting his dad and Carole know where he was going, he climbed into his car and made his way to the school. Mr Schuester had given all the glee club members (except Puck – quite wisely) keys to the auditorium so that they could practise if they needed to. This was the first time he had taken him up on his offer. It felt amazing to be in the deserted hall with nothing but the grand piano and his voice. After a deep breath, he began striking the keys, playing the intro to one of his favourite songs. Then he began singing.

Story of my life
Searching for the right
But it keeps avoiding me
Sorrow in my soul
Cause it seems that wrong
Really loves my company

He's more than a man
And this is more than love
The reason that the sky is blue
The clouds are rolling in
Because I'm gone again
And to him I just can't be true

As he sang, he heard a noise backstage, but being the professional he was, he refused to stop singing to investigate. He allowed power to build in his voice as he went into the pre-chorus.

And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying

Suddenly there was someone singing in harmony from somewhere behind him. It wasn't a voice he recognised, but it was beautiful. He glanced over his shoulder to see who it could be, but he couldn't see at his angle. Instead of worrying about it, he revelled in the moment. It was so dramatic, singing with a stranger.

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
A murderer

The mystery singer was standing directly behind him now. His deep voice blended perfectly with Kurt's high voice. The sound that flowed through the auditorium was truly beautiful. As much as he was enjoying singing with the mystery singer, he really just wanted to finish the song so he could see who it was.

I feel it in the air
As I'm doing my hair
Preparing for another date
A kiss upon my cheek
As he reluctantly
Asks if I'm gonna be out late
I say I won't be long
Just hanging with the girls
A lie I didn't have to tell
Because we both know
Where I'm about to go
And we know it very well

Cause I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying

The song was taking forever, but the mystery voice was making it worth it. On more than one occasion, Kurt felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up with the beauty of it.

Our love, his trust
I might as well take a gun and put it to his head
Get it over with
I don't wanna do this
Anymore
Uh
Anymore (anymore)

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
And everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
And I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
A murderer (a murderer)

As the last note of the piano faded into the silence of the auditorium, Kurt turned around to see Karofsky standing there, seemingly midway between laughing and crying.

"David?" he gasped. He had seen him perform once before, but that time he had been a part of a chorus. This new side of him was both shocking and beautiful. "You've been hiding that voice all these years?"

"Another reason to be jealous of you, Kurt Hummel," he said, taking a seat next to Kurt, facing away from the piano. "Look, about yesterday –"

"David, let's just forget what happened yesterday," Kurt said, running his fingers lightly over the piano keys.

"I can't," Karofsky said, looking directly into Kurt's eyes.

"Me neither," he admitted. "I don't know what to do. I mean, I'm with Blaine and I – well I was happy, but that kiss messed me up pretty badly."

"So that song we just sang, that was how you feel?" Karofsky asked.

"Yes," Kurt said. Karofsky smiled and Kurt could see him leaning in closer. "David, let's not. I'm still not sure how I feel about you or Blaine and you aren't even out."

"If we were together, I'd come out," Karofsky said, taking Kurt's hand.

"Please don't put that pressure on me, David," Kurt replied, looking into his eyes. "I don't want my decision to be the basis for whether or not you come out. That's too important to base on me."

Kurt stood up and Karofsky followed suit. "You're right," he said, "I'm sorry. I just... I don't want to do it alone."

Kurt took his hand. "I need to work out my feelings towards Blaine before I can explore any feelings towards you. It's only fair. But you need to be honest with yourself. If you don't, you'll just end up going insane."

"I know," Karofsky said. Kurt pulled him into a tight hug.

"I forgive you, for what it's worth," Kurt whispered. Karofsky nodded, unable to speak. "We should get out of here."

Kurt left the auditorium much less confused. He knew now what had to be done.