Chapter One

I fought the whole way to the hospital; I couldn't let the drugs pull me under. I knew if I could just stay awake until I got there, someone I knew would help me. The paramedic, who had helped me at the start, kept telling me to relax, to let the drugs do their work. I wished, in that moment, looks really could kill, because this guy was getting on my nerves. "Shut up. You tried to sedate me, while my child could be lying here dying, don't speak to me!"

I was just gearing up to continue my rant when the ambulance slowed. I don't think it had even stopped before I was shoving things out of my way and dashing out of the back. The paramedic tried to grab me, but I snarled at him as his hand made contact and then released me. Maybe it wasn't the smartest thing to do, but right now, nothing and no one mattered but Jake.

I rushed into the hospital and ran straight into Steven. "Steven, my baby, where is he?" I begged.

"Elizabeth, what's wrong with you, have you been drinking?" Steven inquired.

What the hell was wrong with everyone, my baby was probably dying and they thought I was drunk… "Let me see Jake, take me to my son now!"

"I can't, he is being prepped for surgery as we speak, and you should know he is in rough shape. What did you do to him, where is Cam?"

My heart constricted, the faint pain in my throat suddenly intensifying. The blackness that was threatening a fainting spell suddenly retreated and in its place a red haze swarmed my vision, consuming me.

Steven reached a hand out to grab me, maybe to shake me, I can't be sure, but whatever he was planning to do stopped as I whirled away from him. I saw Epiphany was on the phone, but her eyes were locked on me. A mix of sadness and horror, her face, for once an open book, but just this once, I didn't care what she had to say, I needed to see my son.

I had one destination in mind, and no one was going to stop me from getting there. I saw Patrick and Robin moving towards one of the operating rooms and tried to get them to stop, to talk to me, to let me see my baby, but they just glared at me and moved on.

I couldn't breathe; every breath I took seemed to get lodged in my throat, never making it to my lungs.

I couldn't handle the looks anymore, so I did the only thing I could in that moment, I screamed, long and hard, for my son "Jake…" If no one was going to help me, if none of my friends could be bothered with me, then I'd have to find another way, because the only thing that mattered was my son. In that moment, I realized, he was never Lucky's son, he was never Jason's son, he was mine, they couldn't be bothered with us, with him, then screw them. I moved quickly to the observation room, seeing as how I couldn't get into the operating room, it was my last choice.

I stood there for what seemed like hours, watching as Patrick and Robin and the other nurses worked on my son. I could see their faces grow bleaker as time passed. I'm not sure how long I actually stood there, but when they walked out of the room, I felt my heart finally fracture, and then I was collapsing, but before I could hit the floor, arms wove around me, pulling me close.

I didn't need to look to know who had me, I would always instinctively know that embrace. My sobs were silent, I couldn't make a single sounds, vaguely, in a far away part of my mind, I understood I must have over taxed my vocal cords, but couldn't find it in me to care.

As I shoved Jason away from me, I mouthed, "Let me go, don't touch me."

"What? Elizabeth, what's going on, what happened?" Jason asked quietly, pain evident in his voice.

Before I could reiterate, Patrick and Robin walked up to us, their expression sorrowful, but right below the sorrow was distaste, perhaps even resentment. I couldn't fathom what was going on, why was everyone so pissed at me? I know I turned my back for a moment, but, he was on the stairs, playing with his motorcycles, he was safe, the door, I swear was locked. But I wasn't going to tell these people, if they were going to condemn me, without knowing the facts, then I obviously didn't need them in my life, didn't need to call them friends.

"Where's my baby?" I mouthed, pissed off that I couldn't speak.

"What is wrong with you Elizabeth?" Patrick asked his voice self-righteous as he glared at me.

"I want to see my baby, take me to him now, or tell me where he is." It came out squeaky and I could barely hear it.

Robin must have understood, because she pointed to a room down the hall. "Second door on the left after you leave here, he's brain dead you know."

The condemnation in her voice almost destroyed me, but I moved with purpose, she didn't matter, only Jake. As I pushed into the room, I felt Jason on my heels, hovering.

He didn't say anything, just paced to Jake's bed and grasped his little hand, holding it firmly in his own. Tears coursing down his face as he looked at the broken little boy laying there, his voice startled me when he spoke, "What have you done Elizabeth, how could you do this?"

As I stared down, watching the machines live for him, I glanced quickly at Jason, trying to understand when I became the bad guy, the garbage they scraped off the bottom of their shoe. I reached into the nightstand beside the bed and grabbed the paper and pen that were in all the rooms. Hastily I wrote, not even bothering to glance at the man I had once loved beyond reason.

"What have I done, how could I? Are you serious, you don't even know what has happened, and you are blaming me, standing there with a look of hate…I'll tell you what happened you egotistical bastard, I'll tell you! I turned away for a moment; I was trying to clean up the table, getting it ready for the boys to eat. I wasn't supposed to have them, Lucky was supposed to have the boys, but 'something' came up and he left them with me. I knew they must be hungry, so I was hurrying, Jake was playing on the steps, and Cam was washing his hands upstairs." I took a breath, even though I was writing it and not saying it, it still hurt, it still threatened to consume me.

Take another deep breath, I continued. "I felt a breeze waft into the room, and turned instantly, the door was open and Jake wasn't there. I ran out into the yard and then further, to the road…" My tears were flowing so hard, I couldn't see through them to continue to write. After a few moments, I pulled myself together and finished. "I collapsed next to him, I tried to pull him into my arms, but I must have passed out, my screams must have alerted someone, because I came to when the paramedic was administering smelling salts. Happy, did you get the answers you needed, want to blame me some more?"

It wasn't like I wasn't blaming myself, but, I knew, whether I could admit it to myself or not, it was an accident, a terrible, horrific accident.

"Why do you look drunk?" Jason asked in a cold tone.

I laughed a silent humorless laugh, "The paramedic thought I was being irrational in my despair and injected me you ass! I look and feel drunk because I am trying to fight off the need to succumb to sleep you sanctimonious jackass!"

I pulled the chair closer to Jake's bed and took his hand again, there was so much I wanted to say to him, so much I needed him to know, but, I had ruined that, because I couldn't speak. I knew it would take a couple of days for it to heal, but I didn't have a couple of days. The tears I had been holding back surged forward, but instead of trying to deny them, I let them take me.

The worst moment in my entire life, and everyone I know, who I have seen tonight, have turned their backs on me. Damning me for something that was totally out of my control, something I couldn't have fixed or changed, no matter how much wishing I did.

I continued to pet Jake's hand, turning it this way and that, laying little kisses in his palm. Trying to memorize every little detail, every memory I could grasp. I looked fleetingly at Jason's hand resting on the bed, next to Jake's, my eyes shifting between the two, I was about to say something 'write something' when there was a knock on the door and Mac Scorpio walked in. I ignored him a moment longer, their two hands taking my attention fully.

"Elizabeth we need to talk." Mac said sternly, disgust in his voice as well.

I shook my head, a thought growing larger every moment that ticked slowly by. I still hadn't looked at him; my eyes were riveted on their hands. I grabbed Jason's and brought it closer to the one I held. He tried to yank it out of my grasp, but I was having none of that. It was wrong, but I couldn't stop my self, I laughed, of course it didn't sound like a laugh, there wasn't much noise to it at all, but I was laughing.

I dropped both their hands and grabbed the pad of paper, writing with haste, I wrote, "This is not my son, this is not Jake!"

Mac moved further into the room, on Jason's side, and both of them stood their frozen, looking at me oddly.

I dashed out of the room, grabbed a drink and hoped it would be enough, in little more than a whisper, I said, "He is not my son, I don't know where Jake is, but this isn't him. I am truly sorry for his mother, but this is not my baby!"

"Elizabeth," Mac said cautiously.

"Don't Elizabeth me," I whispered vehemently, "I'm not crazy, ask the paramedic, he gave me something to calm down, ask him, I know my child and this isn't him Mac, please believe me." I couldn't tell if they heard me or not, but one look at Jason and the pitying glance told me it didn't matter.

Mac walked out of the room with barely a, "be right back" thrown over his shoulder.

When he returned he had a doctor with him, and he was explaining what I had said. The doctor shook his head sadly before walking over to me. "I'm sorry Elizabeth, he is your son." Before I had time to say anything, Mac and Jason were holding my arms, and the doctor was injecting me with another needle. I tried to fight, I really did, but there was just too much, it was too much and I slumped to the ground.

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