Torture

Suzaku Kururugi lay in bed staring at the ceiling and following the shapes made by the shadows in an effort to distract himself from his thoughts, the tornado of emotions swirling incessantly in his mind. Guilt, betrayal, pain, loss and above all a feeling of emptiness. He could not bring himself to tear his wandering mind away from the memories of that precious day, the singly day that he had spent with Princess Euphemia, the joy of experiencing a whole day spent with the woman he loved and the feeling that they were the only two people in the world. With a sigh he closed his eyes and drifted into the darkness of the night and lost himself in his beautiful memory once more.

The sun was shining brilliantly, a few clouds in the bright blue skies, birds faintly chirping in the distance, Suzaku stood at the back entrance of the palace waiting for Princess Euphemia, he smiled as he looked up at the sky and couldn't help but think of what she had said to him a few days ago in the heat of battle, while he was desperatly trying to find Zero, Euphie had exclaimed

"suzaku kururugi i command you to love me!"

on hearing these words he had done a double take not knowing wether it was his wishfull thinking or her teasing his heart but as she professed her love for him everything else seemed to fade away, the battle in front of him, Zero, him being an 11, her being a princess, everything that did not involve him as a man and her as a woman melted away in that moment as his heart leapt and his face streched into a smile without him even thinking about it.

"Suzaku?"

her angelic voice snapped him out of his reverie. He turned around to see the woman he loved standing there as beautiful as ever her hair dancing in the slight breeze her kind smile and sparkling purple eyes drawing him in.

"Princess Euphemia" he wispered her name not even realising it as she captivated and monopolized his every sense.

"I told you today i am not Princess Euphemia Li Britannia Sub Viceroy of area 11 but just Euphie" she inched closer to him still smiling brilliantly, she slipped her hand softly into his and added "Suzaku's Euphie."

Suzaku sat up abruplty in bed sweating profusely and hyperventilating. The memory caused him soo much pain but he could not help but be drawn back into it, like an addict he kept going back for more even though he knew he would gain nothing from it, he couldn't help himself, everytime he remembered his senses seemed to decieve him, she felt so real her voice sounded so close, the warmth of her hand in his, the sight blush on her cheeks, how could these tantalising feelings be false? how could he feel her presence so vividly? he lay back down tears running down his face as he slipped once again into the darkness to torture himself.

"So were are you taking me on our very first date?"

Euphie was smiling as she walked hand in hand with Suzaku down the sunlit street, a slight spring in her step that made her movements seem like she was dancing.

"Well i was thinking we could start off in that little cafe over there"

he pointed across the srteet to a small store with tables and chairs placed outside for the customers to enjoy the day, "they serve lots of different types of tea and i know you like that so..." he trailed of and scrathed his chin slightly embarassed, Euphie smiled even wider as she realised how much thought he had put into this day,

"lets go then" she declared brightly as she squeezed his hand and led him to the cafe.

'it's a lie, all of this is a lie...' Suzaku and Euphie were laughing and talking at the cafe, she took great delight in choosing the tea, suzaku had left the choice up to her as he was terrible at that sort of thing. They had both been nervous before the day started agonizng over what they could talk about, what to wear and many other things but in the moment they seemed to have endless subjects to explore and laugh about.

"I only wish i didn't have to come in disguise it isn't really fair to you." Euphie pouted.

Suzaku just laughed and waved away her misconception, "I only care about being with you, i don't care if you are in disguise or not,"

he smiled and placed his hand on hers and saw her cheeks turn light pink as she giggled at his cheesy lines. 'nothing is real, nothing at all, she's gone forever...' They were now walking in a garden surrounded by happy couples taking advantage of the beautifull day like they were. After a while they stopped at a large tree and Suzaku lay down his jacket on the ground and gestured towards it, Euphie blushed even more as she sat down and then her face turned crimson as he sat down beside her, he was so close thier arms brushed against each other and Suzaku took the initiative to hold her hand. They sat in a comfortable silence and watched the clouds, it felt to them as if they were the only two people in the world, to them in that moment nothing else mattered, nothing else was important, just the person sitting beside them. ' gone forever, dissapeared into nothing, nothing, nothing...'

Suzaku's eyes opened once more, his face and pillow wet from the tears he had shed as a result of his dream, no nightmare was more accurate now, what had once been a beautifull dream, a memory that inspired hope, had now become a nightmare a bittersweet rememberance over something that once was but now could never be. His beloved Euphie had dissapeared, he would never again hear her voice call out to him, look into those beatuifull eyes and lose himself in her beauty. She truly was an angel now and no matter how hard he tried not a trace of her presence could be found, he had nothing to console himslef with, only the memory that taunted him and teased him with the endless possibilities that can never be realised. He unwittingly let the darkness engulf him again.

"I had such a wonderful time today to others it may have seemed to be a normal day but to me it was incredably special, thank you Suzaku" Euphie looked deep in his eyes as she said this.

They were now back at the palace saying their goodbye's as the sun was slowly setting. "It was no problem i wanted today to be perfect for you euphie but i guess even if everything had gone wrong i wouldn't have minded because all it takes is for you to smile and i feel like everything is fine" he smiled at her blushing at his emotional confession.

Euphie started to blush as well and for a while the two of them stood in front of each other hand in hand staring deeply into the others eyes and then finally Suzaku managed to gather his courage and he leaned forward towards Euphie and as he inched closer to her she did the same eventually meeting him in the space between them as thier lips touched each one felt something akin to fireworks as they grew closer together rapidly closing the distance between them. Suzaku had slipped his hands around her waist and pulled her into him, and Euphie had placed her hands on the back of his neck and pulled herself closer to him. They stood, thier bodies glued together in a passionate embrace neither one breaking the fiery kiss. Eventually they pulled back for air and stared into each others eyes, all traces of embarressment long gone and they wispered simultaneously "I love you".

For the third time that night suzaku's eyes opened, 'why? why do i keep doing this?' he wondered to himself why he continuously tortured himself with that once beautifull memory, he raised his hand to his lips, it had felt so real but he had known all too well it was a lie. All his senses decieved him they let him feel the wonderfully tantalising sensations he had felt that day and then they pulled him mercilessly back into his reality, no matter how dark and empty it had become. Her memory taunting his mind with the possibilities of what could have been, the reality showing him what is, his emotiong swirling in an unrecognisable stream, so many mixed feelings, guilt, pain, loss, fear, depression, anger, hatred and above all emptiness.

They were all turning inwards and driving him insane, he could not cope with the reality of losing her, he did not want it to be real, what he wanted most was to end his life so that he could be with her once more but something was holding him back, he had to get vengance, he needed to avenge her death and make sure that it had not been in vain, then he could join her in whatever awaited on the other side of death. Till then he had to live or rather go through the motions of living in this world that, to him, had become nothing but a dark empty abyss, were there was nothing but himself and his bittersweet memories that he tortured himself with...

But the torture was the only way he could assure himself that she had been real, thier love had been real and that he had not always been a hollow shell but rather he had been turned into one. No he would tortue himself till the day he stopped breathing, to remind himself that she had been real, to remind himself who he was alive for, what he was alive for and what awaited him when his heart stopped beating. He uncontrollably fell into the darkness again her words echoing in his turbulent mind 'I love you suzaku...'