A/N: Okay, here is the next installment of my story. It's sort of off the wall but it kind of had to be to work with my plan. I hope you like it in spite of the fact that it's on crack (or maybe because of that fact). Anyway let me know. : ) It's still stealing plot ideas from the same episode of season 5 Friends ("The One Where Everybody Finds Out").

Baby Daddy 12

Mark was sitting in his office doing some paper work when there was a knock at his door. "Come in," He called without getting up. He was slightly surprised to see Meredith open his door and walk in. "Hey how's it going Big Grey?" He asked cheerfully even though something in her eyes told him to be afraid.

"Mark," She paused for just a moment after saying his name. "Just the man I wanted to see." She walked all the way into his office, closed the door and leaned on the side of his desk.

"What can I do for you?" Mark asked carefully while looking up at her from his chair.

"I need you for a consult," Meredith said slowly.

"Oh!" Mark said with relief, "Why didn't you say so? You could have just paged me you know. Who's the patient?" Mark was putting his paperwork away and switching to doctor mode but Meredith hadn't moved from where she was leaning on his desk.

"No Mark," She began, "I need you for a consult." She emphasized the word 'I'.

"For what?" He asked dumbfounded.

"Well," she began with a slight pout, "I'm sure you've probably noticed that I've put some weight on recently," She pulled her shirt against her slightly protruding stomach.

"Oh! I, um, haven't noticed a thing actually," Mark struggled to sound nonchalant.

"Well I have," said Meredith, "And I don't like it. And I don't like what it represents."

"What it represents?" Mark asked, worried.

"Yeah, the weight is just a symptom of a larger problem," When Mark didn't respond Meredith just continued, "Clearly I'm getting old and my metabolism has gone right out the window."

"What?" Mark asked with shock. He'd been sure she was going to tell him that she was pregnant.

"Yes. And I've been thinking about this for a while now," she began again, "I don't just want you to do the liposuction."

"You don't?" Mark deadpanned.

"No. I'd also like a face lift and I think also breast augmentation," Meredith said as she pretended to examine her breasts.

Mark's eyes got really wide as he realized what she was saying, "You want me to give you a boob job?"

"Yes," She responded with the same blasé attitude that was really starting to freak him out.

"Wow Grey, I didn't really think you were that kind of person to get plastic surgery. What does Derek think about the idea?" He asked, hoping that Derek would be able to talk some sense into her.

"Oh, I haven't told Derek yet," Meredith responded easily.

"You haven't?" Mark asked, trying not to sound too disappointed.

"No, I think I'll just surprise him when it's all done," Meredith said with a giddy smile.

Mark raised his eye brows, "You're going to surprise Derek by getting plastic surgery?" He asked in shock.

"Yeah, why? Do you think he'll guess that's what I'm up to?" Meredith asked sweetly.

"No I think we can safely say that this would be the last thing in the world Derek would think you were up to," Mark said slowly.

"Great so you'll do it?" Meredith asked cheerily.

"Um, I don't know Big Grey. Maybe you should look for someone who's not so close to you to do it. I mean do you really want my hands to be you know…" Mark's sentence trailed off awkwardly for a moment before he added with a shudder, "Touching you… in… places?" His hands were gesturing awkwardly in her direction.

"Mark, I want you to do it because you're the best around," Meredith started to say.

"Well I guess that's understandable," Mark interjected with a small proud smirk.

"I've seen you work Mark and you're amazing. You're like a God in the OR," She added hoping she wasn't going over the top.

"I can't argue with that," Mark said somewhat arrogantly, "I'll tell you what Grey, I'll think about it and get back to you later," he added hoping he would never actually have to get back to her.

"Well I guess I can't ask for more than that," Meredith said as she stood up and started heading for the door. At the last moment she turned back to him and said, "But let's make it sooner rather than later." With that she walked out and left him sitting dumbfounded and alone.

Meredith closed the door behind her and as she turned around the corner she saw Lexie and Cristina waiting for her. "Oh my god that was terrible," Meredith said as she walked up to her friends. She shuddered a little as she tried to mentally remove herself from the horror of that conversation. She laughed slightly before adding, "He was totally freaked out though. He's definitely going to run straight to Derek."

"He really bought it? He's dumber than I thought," Cristina said with surprise.

"Lexie had it exactly right. All I had to do was mention my boobs, flirt a little and give him over the top complements. Poor guy never even knew what hit him. Thanks Lex!" Meredith laughed a little.

Lexie just groaned, "Okay, that's just gross," she gave Meredith a look of disgust before adding, "I helped you trick Mark and get your weird revenge ball rolling now can I go? I just want to hide somewhere until this whole thing blows over."

"Yes Lexie you can go," Meredith said with a smile. Then she added, "But that doesn't mean I don't reserve the right to call you back without notice." Lexie just nodded and quickly walked away without another word. Secretly though, she was more than a little pleased that she still knew how Mark worked well enough to get him into trouble.

Once Lexie was gone Cristina and Meredith turned and started walking down the hallway arm in arm. "I really can't believe I just did that," Meredith said in a tone that was equal parts awed and disgusted. "I think I need a shower," she joked before adding a serious comment, "But first I'm headed up to OB for a quick check up."

Cristina turned and looked at her friend with surprise, "You're going without Derek?" She asked.

"Oh don't look at me like that. It's not going to be a real appointment. Just, you know, confirm that I'm actually pregnant, see how far along I am and make sure everything's okay. I really should have gone to the doctor a long time ago. There could be something wrong and I wouldn't even know it. I just can't have this worry hanging over my head if we're going to be keeping this a secret a while longer. Besides if he wanted to come he should have told me two months ago like a normal person," Meredith was rambling a little, but she had every right. This was an entirely ramble-worthy situation.

Cristina just shrugged and asked, "Well do you want me to…"

"No I'm perfectly capable of going to a doctor's appointment by myself," Meredith said a little defensively. Really though, she'd decided that if Derek wasn't going with her then no one was.

"Okay, well if it's any consolation, your blood work looked great," Cristina said with a smirk.

"My blood work?" Meredith asked, surprised, "Nevermind, I really don't think I want to know." With that the two friends lapsed into silence as they continued to walk.

Meanwhile, back in Mark's office, he was flummoxed. He actually pinched himself to make sure that what just happened wasn't some kind of crazy dream or hallucination. When he didn't wake up he decided that he really had to talk to Derek. He got up and headed over to Derek's office. He burst through Derek's door without knocking and said, "Okay, you really have got to tell your wife that she's pregnant!"

Derek just groaned and threw his head down on the desk, "I Know!" he said into his paperwork.

"No. You don't know Derek," Mark started. "You don't know, because if you had any idea…!" Mark was pacing in front of Derek's desk.

Derek finally caught on to the fact that Mark was even more freaked out than he was and just looked at him for a second before asking, "What's up Mark?" in a patronizing tone.

"Meredith!" Mark shouted a little, "Meredith is what's up!" Derek just looked at him. "She just came into my office and asked," Mark paused for a moment, "She asked for…" he couldn't even bring himself to say it out loud.

Derek just looked at him like he'd lost his mind, "She asked for what, Mark?"

"She just asked me to give her plastic surgery!" Mark finally just spit it out.

"What?" Derek asked with a laugh. "Very funny Mark. I don't really get the joke but I'm sure it's hysterical," he continued with a shake of his head.

"No, I swear to god man. She was acting really weird!" When Derek didn't say anything he kept going, "I'm not kidding! She thinks she's getting old and fat or something. Seriously! She just came into my office and said she wanted me to give her breast implants!"

Derek just looked at Mark like he'd grown a second head, "You're serious?" he asked incredulously.

"As a heart attack," Mark said with assurance looking him straight in the eye.

Derek just rolled his eyes, "Okay, well there's no way that's right, so you clearly just must have misunderstood what she was saying to you."

"I didn't!" Mark tried to protest but Derek just gave him a sympathetic look like he was talking to a confused child and Mark knew there was no way he would believe it unless he saw it himself. He left Derek's office in defeat.

It was a little before lunch time when Derek saw Meredith again. They had decided to meet in the cafeteria and eat together a little early because that's when they both had time. She was waiting at a table drinking a coffee and lost in thought when he found her. He quietly walked up behind her and kissed her cheek. She jumped slightly but then turned her head toward him and smiled, kissing him gently on the lips. "Hi! I didn't see you coming!" She said cheerfully.

Derek just smiled back at her, "So I gathered," he said with a laugh. Then his eyes caught what she was drinking, "Your coffee smells good," he said, trying to get her to tell him what exactly was in the cup.

"Oh yeah, well I don't actually have time for lunch right now because I have to head in to surgery but I figured I could at least have some coffee with you." She smiled. She was going to have some fun with him. Of all the crazy things she had endured over the last couple months the coffee thing had definitely been the weirdest for her and she was going to give him a taste of his own medicine.

"So you went and got that yourself? No one got it for you?" Derek asked, trying to sound cool. "I mean," He paused, "I just ask because you told me everyone keeps bringing you coffee all of the time."

Meredith just smirked a little and nodded her head in that way that told him she thought he was acting like a freak. "No, I got this coffee my myself," she began, " For some reason I just haven't been getting enough kick from my coffee lately so I had them put in three extra shots of espresso to keep me awake during my surgery." She smiled at him and took a drink. It wasn't really caffeinated; she figured that she'd apparently been living without caffeine for months without noticing so there was no reason to worry about it now. But that didn't mean she wasn't going to have some fun at Derek's expense.

"Oh," Derek said with raised eyebrows, "three shots you say," he was trying to think quickly, the months of practice hadn't really made him any better at taking away his wife's coffee. Yet another reason why he had to tell her as soon as possible. "Can I try some?" He asked, "It sounds really good." He reached out and took the coffee out of her hands without waiting for her response. He then pretended to fumble and dropped the coffee on the floor, "Oh damn. Sorry Mere, let me go get you another one," He looked at her while he tried to act natural.

She just smiled and said, "Oh no that's okay, I sort of thought something like that might happen," She narrowed her eyes at him slightly while giving him a knowing smile, "It has been happening a lot lately," She reached down to the floor by her feet and pulled up a new coffee cup, "That's why I bought two." She held the cup up to him in a salute before taking another drink. Derek's jaw dropped. What was he going to do now? Just then Meredith's pager went off. She looked down at it and said, "Oh damn, I have to go." She stood up with her coffee cup still in hand, kissed him sweetly on the corner of his mouth and left him shocked and staring after her.

It was a couple hours later before they all met up again. Derek and Mark were walking down the hall when Meredith came around the corner from the other direction. Mark quickly shoved Derek behind a supply cart and whispered, "Just watch!" through his teeth. As Meredith approached he called out, "How's it going Big Grey?"

"Mark!" Meredith jumped slightly because she hadn't actually noticed him standing there until that moment. She'd been lost in her own world but when she saw Mark a smile formed on her face. "Just the man I wanted to see! Where have you been hiding yourself all day?" She called back to him as crossed the hallway to talk to him.

"I haven't been hiding," Mark said, but that was a total lie; he'd definitely been hiding. "Is there something you need from me?" Mark asked. He was feeling a little smug because Derek was about to see that he was right.

"Yeah, I was just wondering if you'd given any thought to the conversation we ha earlier," She asked conspiratorially.

"Oh, you mean when you asked me to give you plastic surgery?" Mark asked with a bit too much anticipation.

"Yeah," Meredith said with an almost flirty smile, "I really hope you'll consider it. I've heard that your bedside manner is the stuff of legends." Meredith cringed inwardly; flirting with Mark was definitely gross. But she was willing to endure it in the name of revenge.

Mark's eyes got wide. He was glad she was proving him right but he also didn't need Derek thinking he was flirting with another one of his wives. "Okay Grey, I'll think about it but right now Hunt needs you in the pit." He dismissed her quickly and unceremoniously. Once she was gone he turned to face Derek, "There! Did you see that?"

"I did see that," Derek said as he came out from behind the supply cart with a quizzical expression on his face. He looked at Mark and then at the space that Meredith had recently vacated and then back at Mark like he was looking at a puzzle with a missing piece. Then it all snapped together. "Oh my god she knows!" he shouted a bit too loudly.

"What?" Mark asked with a befuddled expression.

"She knows she's pregnant!" Derek whispered. "She knows she's pregnant and she knows that we know!"

"Huh?" Mark asked, "You lost me man."

"She knows and she's just trying to freak us out!" Derek exclaimed, "That's the only explanation for it!"

Mark was a little offended that Derek thought that was the only explanation, "But what about my godlike surgical skills and legendary bedside manner…" Mark started to ask before his voice trailed off a bit; realizing how silly that sounded when he said it out loud, "Oh my god she knows!" he exclaimed. He paused for a second letting the realization sink in; he was really relieved that she didn't actually want him to operate on her. "So what are we going to do?" He asked with his arms crossed in concentration.

"First we need confirmation!" Derek called as he rushed off down the hallway with one hand pointing in the air. Mark just stared after him for a second before reluctantly following his lead.

The two men came to a stop at the doors of the cafeteria with Derek scanning its occupants. His eyes landed on a target; sitting alone in the corner sipping a juice box. He headed off in her direction. "Lexie!" He said as he came to a stop next to where she was eating.

"Yes?" Lexie asked with a puzzled expression.

"Does Meredith know that she's pregnant?" Derek asked while he looked down on her with his arms crossed.

Lexie's stomach dropped at the question. "What?" she asked to buy time before saying, "Um no. No I don't think so… Why?" she was trying to sound casual but failing miserably.

"She knows and she's trying to mess with me!" Derek said excitedly.

"Okay, I'm sorry," Lexie visibly deflated, "I would have told you but they made me promise not to tell!" This was all starting to be too much for poor Lexie.

"Wait 'they'? Who's 'they'?" Mark asked, realizing that this may have been a bigger conspiracy than they originally thought.

"Oh um," Lexie started, "Meredith and…" she really didn't want to tell them everything. She just had to think of something to say other than Cristina, "The baby!" She said, knowing how lame it sounded, but trying to back pedal anyway. Meredith and Cristina were way scarier than Derek and Mark.

Mark and Derek just stared at her for a second, "Lexie!" Derek said in a way that made sure she knew there was no why they were buying it.

"And Cristina," Lexie said and she threw her head down on the table. Then a thought occurred to her and she jumped up. "But hey! It's over now! Because you can tell them you know she knows and I can go back to knowing absolutely nothing!" She said with excitement.

Then Derek waved his hand in the air, "Unless…" he said as he began to form a much better idea.

"No. Not 'unless'!" Lexie whined. "This must end now!" she added with a pleading tone.

"Oh man they think that they are so slick messing with us!" Derek started with a smile, "But see they don't know that we know that she knows!" Derek said with his eyes darting back and forth like he was watching an invisible scoreboard.

Lexie was totally lost but Mark seemed to get it, "Ah yes…" he said slowly as if he too was examining Derek's invisible scoreboard. "The tables are going to turn," he said with a smirk. "They thought that they could mess with us but we are going to get them so much better!"

Lexie just threw herself back down into her chair and ate a donut that she had on her lunch tray.

TBC

Special note to Grey'sAnatomyfanatic: I was totally thinking of doing the thing with the coffee but then I completely forgot when I first wrote this chapter. Then your review reminded me so I added it in! Thanks! : )