A Glimpse of the Eye
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon and News Corp. own all things BtVS. George Lucas and News Corp. own all things Star Wars.
Author: tainteddr34ms
Beta: Leigh. Her's are the small things that bring the narrative to life.
Crossover: BtVS & Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic
Pairing: Buffy/Willow
Note. Complete AU for Buffy. AU for Star Wars, but will feature more Star Wars canon. Sorry for the extreme wait for this update. Computer issues, but they're now fixed.
Chapter Two
A Glimpse of the Eye
I throw myself across a comfortable twin bed and stare up at the ceiling, feeling trapped. They said we weren't prisoners, but the door's still locked. Looking over at Willow, I watch her going through her pocket like a girl possessed by…pocket lint? I don't know. Just looking at her makes my chest feel tight and fills my tummy with butterflies. After watching her pull a shoestring and several folded up scraps of paper from her pockets, I turn my attention back to the ceiling.
Clueless. The thing is, I believe these monks. They have an explanation for how I feel, how I learned their language. One that even makes sense. My mind spins around the events of the past few hours, unable to make much of my whirling thoughts. Foremost, I almost kissed Willow. I have no idea where that came from, but as I lay here thinking about that moment, fidgeting on the bed, I know I always have been…gay. A lesbian.
I'm surprised, I really am. Mostly 'cause I've never thought about liking girls before. I'm clueless as to what comes next. Realizing I know the ceiling holding my gaze better than I know myself, I try to ask myself what this means to me. I don't know what to think about it…about being gay. Overwhelming, to say the least. Am I ashamed? I don't' know, maybe? Is it wrong being gay? Do mom and dad think so? Are they right if they do? I don't know. I don't think so, but still, I don't know what to think about anything.
I know what I am though, and I'm not going to run from being gay like I run from most things. Even if Willow doesn't like me like that. Besides, I don't know anyone here. What do I care what they think about me? Absolutely nothing. Except Willow. Would she have been disgusted if I'd kissed her? Would she call me a freak and tell me to get away from her? I guess that's what I'm really afraid of. The thought of her not liking me the way I like her is scary enough, but what happens when I slip up and she finally understands just how I feel? I don't know what to do. I'm terrified.
I guess the magic monk stuff, the Jedi stuff, doesn't worry me near as much. Why should it? The Jedi Council's not much different than the Watcher's Council. Control Freaks with tight lips. They share nothing. Not a word more than necessary for whatever generality they choose to answer a question with. I don't like them and I definitely don't trust them. What's the big secret anyway?
Some of them think I'm evil. I can see it in their sideways glances. They don't trust me. Maybe I'm an unknown, and that's what they don't trust. I hope so. I don't like being feared. Well, that's not entirely true, but I only want evil to fear me. I'm good. I think. I mean, yeah, I've tried to run away from this Slayer gig more than once, but I've always come through in the end. My duty. I do it reluctantly, but I do it. Is that wrong? To want to have my own life? Sometimes, overwhelming guilt consumes me. I can't save everyone, but sometimes I don't even try. People died I could have saved if I'd done my duty. I hate it. I hate all of it. I never wanted any of this. It's so unfair. Does that make me wrong?
I need to get away from here, away from Willow so I can think clearly about everything. I breathe in her scent with every breath. Lilacs and vanilla and her body's own unique smells. If I listen hard enough, I can hear her heart beating nearly as rapidly as mine. If I'm not, I'm still lulled by the sounds her even, shallow breathing make. When I look at her, she's all I see. I'm blinded to the rest of the world around me. I want to touch her. I don't want to scare her though, or freak her out.
"I found it!" she squeals triumphantly.
Hopping off the bed, I cross the room to stand beside her. "Whatcha find, Will?" I ask. "Gum? I hope it's gum, 'cause you'd think if they were gonna keep us prisoner, they'd at least leave us some food and water." I fight the urge to start pacing. "But, no, not even any gum."
My breath catches as Willow turns her head to look at me. Holding up a dime she's pinching between her thumb and forefinger, she gives me a radiant, open mouth smile. My heart flutters. Making the mistake of looking into her green eyes, I get lost for a moment until she snaps me back to reality with the word, "Screwdriver!"
Huh? I musta missed something. "Huh?"
She never answers me, instead turning to the door's control panel and using the dime, she starts carefully loosening the screws holding it in place. I hope she knows what she's doing. As she concentrates on her task, she bites the tip of her tongue. I stare at the side of her face a moment, feeling an overwhelming desire to run the tips of my fingers along her cheek. I turn away from her quickly and start pacing. I wish I knew what's really going on.
Beads of sweat form on my brow, the room feeling ten times smaller than it did moments ago. I don't like that this is all setting me on edge. Maybe it's just being locked up, and Willow has nothing to do with my nervous energy. Yeah right. Who am I kidding. I'm locked in this room with Willow. There. That's what it's all about. I'm afraid being this close all the time, I'll slip up and she'll figure out how I feel.
Would it be so bad if she knows how I fell? But what if she rejects me? I'm not talking about I just wanna be friends rejection either, I can handle that. What if she wants nothing more to do with me? Could I face that? And if I have to? Am I strong enough to live a lie? AM I brave enough not to? I already promised myself I wouldn't run from who I am, so the answer is no, I can't live a lie. I need to tell her sooner than later.
"Yes!" she squeals, stopping me in my tracks as the door slides into the wall with a woosh. I turn to her, a huge grin spreading across my lips.
"You did it!" I squeal, surprised but delighted she managed to get that door open with a dime.
She turns to me and gives me a big toothy grin. Smiling back at her, my gaze lingers a bit too long on her lips. She catches me staring, tries to hide a brief wave of confusion washing over her green eyes that's gone so quick I'm not sure if I imagined it or not. Guilt may be driving me. I shouldn't be checking out her lips or any of her other body parts. At least not until I know how she feels about me and about me liking her that way. Which probably means never, 'cause honestly, I'd rather not know and I'd rather she never finds out. Yeah, cowardly, I know.
Looking down at my feet to stop myself from staring into her eyes, I move past her, out the doorway.
-BtVS-
We slink down the dark, empty corridor, looking for…I'm not sure what. Information mostly. Grumpy's right, we have nowhere else to go. We're not escaping. Willow's soft footsteps echo gently around us so I don't bother trying for silence. We're probably being watched anyway, or the tingle running down my spine is making me paranoid. Neither makes me as anxious as being near her. I've had crushes before, but my feelings are so much more complex and stronger for her. I'm pretty sure I'm in love. Also pretty sure I have the worst timing in the world.
Would I be freaking more about loving a girl like that if we were back home? Yeah, most likely. But now, being gay just seems so insignificant. Really, her reaction is the only thing causing' me to wig a little. I'm dwelling, circling around the same worries over and over again. A puff of exasperated air causes my bangs to temporarily defy gravity. This isn't doing me any good, just piling more and more crap on my shoulders. Shut up brain! Just 'cause everything's gonna blow up in my face doesn't mean I need to light the fuse. She has to notice how weird I'm acting. Actually, I'm pretty sure she already has. Will's not only smarter than me, she's also a hell of a lot more observant. I've only known her a week and that was obvious six days ago.
I finally manage to calm my mind down enough to concentrate on our…mission I guess. Mission, goal, whatever you wanna call it, it's all the same. A way to get me out of that room. To feel like I'm not just sitting there waiting to be rescued from wherever we are.
We round a quick corner and pass under an archway, stumbling into… a training room? I spot a woman in brown robes sitting cross-legged on a blue mat. I guess I'm not concentrating as well as I thought I was. Her long platinum hair is tied back in a loose ponytail. Intensely cold gray eyes stare at me, taking my measure, captivating me with promises of hidden knowledge.
Back home, what she just offered me with her look would've bored me silly, and would've got about as much of my attention as my history teacher. Here, I have a strong feeling I'll need every advantage I can get. A hurricane blows around me, gossamer tendrils riding the howling winds, shifting patterns of the future spreading out, beckoning. Am I the storm? Should I tell them about my demon's heart? Giles doesn't know, but I read the Slayer's Handbook when Merrick gave it to me back in L.A.. Even if they lost the shadow caster, that whole section was pretty obvious, what with the whole girl chained to the earth thing.
"Does it make a difference?" she asks, startling me. I should look away from her, stare down at my feet and close myself off from her as best I can. Backing down's not in me though. If Giles can't stare me into submission, she sure can't.
"Pardon me?" I ask as Willow moves behind me. Smart girl. I don't need to tell her where I need her so she stays safe. And alive. Can't forget alive. Number one rule, stay alive.
"Does it really matter who you are? Will the answer change anything?"
Having no answer to her question, I close my eyes and let out a quiet sigh. I have a feeling she want's me to fall to my knees, but there's no way I'll give her the satisfaction. As my waking vision overwhelms me, I suddenly feel like I'm falling from a great height. I only ever get the visions in dreams, but something about this woman triggered one while I'm awake. She's a big part of my immediate future, I see that much. Willow's pretty much left my thoughts for a change. Oh, I'm vaguely aware of her presence, but the swirling hurricane engulfing me separates us.
"I'm Arren Kae," the seated woman says, standing up and placing a hand on my shoulder. With her touch, the gossamer hurricane is gone, leaving a bone chilling dread in its wake. Looking into her gray eyes, my whole body trembles beyond my control. My breath comes in gasps.
"What did you do to her?" Willow demands, moving next to me and wrapping an arm tightly around me. She comforts me, tracing gentle, soothing patterns against the nape of my neck with her free hand.
"What did you see, child?" Arren asks, ignoring Will's question.
Willow's touch calms me slowly as my breathing evens out and my body stops shaking. Should I answer the woman? Do I even know the answer? Do I want to tell her?
Uncertainty eats at me, a thousand butterflies fighting for the privilege of flapping against my tummy. What if I make the wrong choice now? Is this the moment that unleashes the hurricane? Am I the calm in the eye or the rage fueling the maelstrom? I have no clear picture of what I saw; too much happening at once, too much information to make sense of any of it. I focus on a mask.
Staring hard into her eyes, grim determination reflecting back at me, I say, "A red and black mask hiding a face."
She nods and smiles. "There are many paths open to you, young one. I shall teach you the ways of the force and together we'll see that you pick the one right for you."
"I…I…I've always had to be asleep to have a vision," I say softly. I return her smile with a subdued grin of my own. The deep sense of dread is gone. I've no idea why I suddenly feel better, there's nothing reassuring or comforting about this woman.
Nodding, she says, "Your powers are growing rapidly. You need to learn to control them, to summon them at will." She pauses a moment before adding, "To not let them rule you."
"I'm afraid," I say out of nowhere. Just because I pushed my fear to the back of my mind and buried it deep enough to not consume me anymore doesn't mean my fear no longer exists. My vision was terrifying, full of blood and death. But really, when aren't they? It's the uncertainty of my role that's beating down on me.
Her expression turns harsh, her eyes narrowing, her lips going from a smile to a scowl. "Fearing your destiny will do nothing to change it."
Maybe I should have lied, 'cause for some strange reason, what Arren thinks of me matters a great deal. Shame fills me at the thought, my eyes lowering to the floor. Why do I feel this way? I've been living a lie over the last year. I mean, sure, the dishonesty bothers me sometimes, but I've gotten used to it since I became the Slayer. Maybe it's because if I had my way, Mom, at least, would've been in the know. I told her once. Dad too. Or tried to anyway. And what did that get me? A few weeks in the loony bin. Lying became a lot easier after that.
She takes my chin in her hand and lifts my head up so she can look at my face. Her touch leaves me bare, my walls crumbling. "Don't let the other masters scare you. Fear is natural. No one can go through life without feeling fear. The trick is to not let it control you." As she lets go of my chin, I nod.