My alarm clock kept flashing blue light into my room. The power had gone out for about five minutes around 3:30a.m, it was currently 4:32a.m. Some idiot drove into one of those electrical poles around the corner. Sirens were going off, people running outside to see what happened, children screaming. I wanted to scream, I had become such a light sleeper. I probably would have woken up anyways with my dreams.

It was all quiet now, except inside my head. Lately, it was rarely quiet inside there for long. The blue light continued to flash. Why hadn't I stopped it already? I reached over to the little nightstand that was at the foot of my bead near the door and hit the snooze. It was pitch black save the dim alarm clock light. I was huddled together on the middle of my plain bead. It only consisted of some old sheets, a pillow covered in a white pillowcase and a dingy, brown, wool blanket. I was fine with it though.

5:02a.m. I was going to go nuts. I couldn't stop thinking, but I also couldn't think. Everything was rushing by too fast. It was hard to process. And what I could process, I didn't like. I hated this. I hated when I didn't have easy access to alcohol, when I couldn't wash everything away.

By 5:30a.m I was too fidgety, pacing back and forth wanting to rip my hair out. I kept dragging my hands down my face like a wet paper towel would make its way down a sliding glass door. My head killed me. It was moving too fast, but my body was so tired. I needed a drink. It was too quiet, I couldn't stand it. I needed a damn drink!

It was times like this that I wished I still talked to Garrett. He never just the door on me and was always there for me since I came to the orphanage. Our friendship lasted four, almost five months, but it's my fault it ended. It had to end though.

The music thumped in my ears and the whiskey burned my throat as I leaned against a wall with Garret, his dirty blonde hair resting perfectly under his bandanna. Mine was probably frizzy because I like to touch it when I was out of it. I was always so hyper and child-like when I was drunk.

The party was roaring with life, but the noise was inaudible which was good. I was drunk, but not drunk enough. I looked over to Garrett, blank-faced, starring at all the dancing teens.

"It's too quiet, let's talk." I slurred, glancing to the handsome fellow next to me.

He sighed, knowingly. "What do you want to talk about?"

"I don't know." I started to laugh. "Wouldn't it be-" But, I was cut off.

"Stop, I know what you're going to say. We had this conversation earlier, twice. If you want to talk, then let's talk about this: you need to stop blaming yourself."

I was quickly sobering up now, something I didn't like. I liked to stay clouded.

"I don't want to talk about this."

I knew he was annoyed, but I was getting pissed. He persisted.

"Things happen, you can't-"

"Shut up, shut up!" I didn't scream for the fact that I gritted my teeth together.

"No! You need-"

We were both standing right now. I was ready to leave any moment. I wasn't going to take this shit; I could live however I wanted.

"You, have no clue what it is like. You do not have the right." My words were very slow and quiet; deadly.

"Jayden…" He said softly, trying to calm me down.

"I shouldn't have told you, just stay away from me." I was crying now.

It was too early for anyone I knew to be up or willing to fulfill my craving, (besides him), but it was too late to try because everyone would be getting up in a couple hours and I would get caught. I'm sure there's something in my file that skims over my tragedies in life and I'm sure they got to know I'm fucked up, but I don't need them adding alcoholism to it.

By the time 8:30a.m rolled around, people were up and getting ready for the day. Showers could be heard; lines waiting for the bathrooms could be seen. I'm glad I didn't need it since we only had two, both on the top floor where my room was. The down stairs consisted of the kitchen, Mary's-she owned the place and took care of us-office, her room, and the living room which was almost empty. The kitchen was the fullest since the only employees, (there were three), here were trying to feed everyone.

The smell of fresh bacon and eggs made me want to hurl. The smell used to make my mouth water, but now food in general made me nauseous. I had to eat though, so I grabbed a bowl of cereal and sat myself down in front of the T.V. I didn't know what cartoon the toddlers had decided to watch this time and I didn't care. I would be leaving as soon as I was done eating.

It was warm outside, but I still wore my blue, low-rise jeans that had a rip or two in the thighs with my slip-on, black, fitting sweatshirt. Underneath, I had on a regular black t-shirt. I was making my way to the park or that's what Mary thinks I'm doing. I might later, but I feel like walking around town. You'd think I'd be more cautious and not go alone after what happened. You'd think I'd be scarred, I am, but I don't really care about anything anymore. Plus, I'm too paranoid and untrusting to bring anyone with me. If anything did happen they'd only get in my way, that's why I don't hang out with anyone for too long, I'm mostly alone.

"My god, you couldn't wait thirty minutes for me! I had to run all the way to catch up to you!" A girl screeched in my ear. I only know one girl who would dare to do that. Who am I kidding? I only know one girl.

My best-y, if you wish, was at my side with that infamous crocodile grin on her face. Her blonde hair now had blue in it. I'm sure she wanted to tell me all about her three-day camping trip with her mother and how she talked her into letting her color her hair. Jacklyn, my 'best-y', is in the orphanage because her mother was proven unfit, but is trying to rehabilitate herself, so until then Jacklyn belongs to the state.

I laughed as we continued down the street, most likely unconsciously heading towards Adam's. He always was throwing a party or at least had booze to offer. The sidewalk wasn't packed with people like the street was with cars. It was good with me since crowds made me anxious. But, I go to parties? I know, right. But, I guess I'm fine as long as I stay to the side.

I didn't get to hear what Jacklyn had to say because we arrived at Adam's, going our separate ways, but both getting shit-faced. And on the way home we were too busy giggling like school girls and sneaking into our rooms before we were noticed.

I managed to do it, but I wasn't sure about Jacklyn. I didn't hear any yelling, so I assumed it was safe. I stripped off my shoes and sweatshirt making my way towards my bed. I bumped into my dresser across from my bed, near the window. I had knocked a picture off of it. I picked it up and sat on my bed. Looking at it, my heart sank.

Sometimes I wondered why I never tried to get a hold of my dad when I was younger, but now, sometimes I'm glad I didn't. What would he think if he saw me this way? I loved him and I didn't want to disappoint him. That's why it's better to not be around him or think about him. It was of my father and me. I was on his lap and I was wearing my beanie that said: Baby Shadows.

You wouldn't like what I became daddy.