Chapter 8

'Outing yourself in front of your classmates or colleagues requires a lot of courage. In most cases the reactions are positive. It is an important step which cannot be reversed.' Emma looked up from the brochure which she'd hidden inside an exercise book. Could she really do that? What if she wasn't even gay? Perhaps she was just bi. Or just into Jenny. She couldn't even explain it to herself, how should she be able to explain it to her friends then? What was she supposed to say anyway? 'Guess what, Jenny and I , we kissed and it was amazing.' Emma shook her head. First of all that would be the understatement of the year. Kissing Jenny had been far more than amazing. It had been…indescribable. Unique. Overwhelming. Only thinking about it was enough to make Emma's head spin. They'd been kissing endlessly last night until Hotte had walked in on them, and even afterwards they'd lain on the couch as close to each other as possible without being too conspicuous and had still been holding hands beneath the blanket, both of them unwilling to break the physical contact. And this morning when they'd been on their own in the art room and Jenny's face had been right in front of her she hadn't been able to resist and claimed her lips again. But what did this all mean? Was Jenny her girlfriend now? 'Girlfriend.' Emma rolled the word around in her head, trying to get used to it. 'Jenny Hartmann is my girlfriend.' She couldn't help the smile that spread across her face. 'Wow.'

She thought back to the time about a year and a half ago when she'd still been with her former boyfriend. He'd been nice enough, but if she was perfectly honest she had to admit that she'd kind of stumbled into that relationship before she'd really figured out for herself if the feelings she had for him were more than mere friendship. After only seven months they'd called it a day as they'd acknowledged to themselves that they just didn't fit. But with Jenny everything felt different right from the start. Jenny simply took her breath away and filled her heart with so many feelings that it might burst any second. Her desperate attempt to run away from Jenny and the turmoil of emotions she evoked in her had been futile right from the beginning, her initial denial crumbling away piece by piece until she hadn't been able to lie to herself any longer. But what about her friends now? Should she tell them? And what about her family? What would her parents say when instead of a potential son-in-law she'd introduce a girl?

"Ooh, sorry."

Emma gave a start at the sound of Hotte's voice and hurriedly closed the brochure.

"I thought this room might be empty. What are you doing in here, Emma?"

"Oh, I…I just wanted to be by myself for a little while. Preventing cabin fever, you know."

Hotte opened his mouth to utter a reply but Emma had already blanked him out again, suddenly caught up by her bad conscience. She'd lied to him the night before, too shocked by him walking in on them. Her own words still rang in her ears. 'Girls sometimes do things like this. You said yourself that Jenny always does things she's set her mind on, just to give it a try. It's been an experiment and it didn't mean anything.' Not only had she lied to her best friend, even worse she'd diminished those wonderful hours she'd had with Jenny into some kind of silly experiment between schoolgirls. 'If I can't even tell Hotte about my feelings for Jenny, how am I supposed to tell the others then? Luzi, Timo, Ben, my parents?'

"Wow, Emma, you won't guess what…"

"Hotte! Which part of the fact that I wanted to be on my own didn't you understand?" Emma interrupted him harshly, regretting her outburst at once. Before her weird mood would get the better of her again she hurriedly grabbed her bag and left.

ooooo

When Emma entered the common room, her gaze immediately fell on Jenny who sat on the two-seater all on her own, absent-mindedly leafing through a magazine with head-phones on. She paused and just watched her until Jenny looked up. The way Jenny's face lit up and broke in a wide smile when she saw her made Emma's heart swell again.

"Hey." Jenny smiled as Emma flopped down beside her. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah. I just mulled over things."

"Over us?"

"Did you know that homosexuals are still facing reprisals? And I'm not talking about outspoken discrimination but about behavioral patterns of implicit discrimination."

"Emma!" Jenny laughed. "Did you memorize some kind of coming-out brochure?"

"No!" Emma laughed, a bit embarrassed now. "I just read up on it a bit."

"Emma, listen." Jenny started, suddenly serious. "You don't have to do that."

"What?"

"No one expects from you a public coming-out in front of all the others."

"But we'll have to tell the others someday." Emma insisted.

"Why?" Jenny asked matter-of-factly.

"Because the others will be wondering what's going on between us."

"Well, let them wonder. That's not our problem, is it?"

Emma groaned. "Now I'm completely confused. I've read so many times now that this is normal. But what am I now? Am I lesbian or bi or what?"

Jenny smiled at her so warmly that Emma would have kissed her hadn't she been afraid of someone barging into the common room any moment.

"You're Emma." Jenny simply said as if this was the only thing that mattered.

ooooo

"I can't believe Hotte is leaving." Emma said for the umpteenth time. Jenny smiled at her lovingly and wished she could help her somehow. She could only guess how hard it had to be for Emma to lose her best friend whom she'd known since her childhood days. She'd never had a friend like that in her life, a constant companion who stood by her through thick and thin. Emma had been reminiscing about hers and Hotte's shared adventures and experiences since the STAG and finally Hotte had left the auditorium after Hotte's final performance.

"The last time I've thought about my marriage I was still playing with dolls." Emma laughed. "Back then I wanted Hotte to marry me. After all he was the only boy who didn't tease me!"

"Hmm…I guess I should be glad then that Hotte is leaving for Las Vegas." Jenny replied with a wink.

"Yeah. He's really leaving." Emma repeated, sadness creeping back into her voice again. She moved towards Jenny who took hold of her hand. 'I'll be there for you.' Jenny promised silently. She'd do anything to help her make the first steps into that new phase of her life where she'd have to say goodbye to her long-time friend and at the same time accept that she had fallen for a girl. She knew from personal experience how hard it could be to face the reactions of your family and friends or hurtful insults from others who couldn't wrap their heads around the fact that loving a girl was neither a terrible sin nor something to be ashamed of.

Emma still held on to her hand and sat down next to Jenny on the piano bench. "We're all alone in here." Emma said quietly, her face only centimeters away from Jenny's. Jenny could only nod, transfixed by Emma's lips right in front of her. 'I love you.' At first, that thought had frightened the hell out of her but she was getting used to it and hoped that someday she'd have the courage to say it out loud. She sighed contentedly as Emma's lips touched her own and lost herself in the tender kiss. 'I love kissing her. I love everything about her, I…'

"Emma, did Hotte finally re…..erm…reappear…" They both started at the sound of Timo's voice. 'Shitshitshit.' They hurriedly broke apart and turned towards Timo who looked at them with wide eyes as s if he couldn't quite believe what he'd just observed.

All of a sudden Emma jumped up from the bench and pushed Jenny away. "Are you crazy? How dare you?" she shouted at a flabbergasted Jenny who stared at her in shock. 'No. She didn't really do this. Please tell me this is just a terrible nightmare.' But one look at Emma's panicked expression told her that her mind hadn't been playing a cruel trick on her. It had been real. And it couldn't have been worse if Emma had just slapped her in the face. 'How could she? How could she do this to me?' Jenny gulped down the angry tears which threatened to well up in her eyes. 'I would have done anything for her. I would have given her all the time she needed.' She felt her own expression turn to stone as Emma turned on her heels and almost ran out of the auditorium.

ooooo

"Emma!" Jenny shouted as she tried to catch up with her.

Emma halted but couldn't look her in the eye. "I'm sorry." she mumbled.

"You're sorry!" Jenny snorted angrily. "You made me look like a horny lesbian in front of Timo and everything you can come up with is that you're sorry?" 'She doesn't even realize how much she hurt me.'

"I just can't do this." Emma looked at Jenny pleadingly. "The others have already marked me down as a complete loser, and if they pick up on the fact that I have a crush on you…"

"For fuck's sake, would you stop worrying about what the others are thinking of you for once?" Jenny exploded. "You shouldn't give a shit about that!"

"It's not that easy for me!"

'Face it – she cares more about what the others might think of her than she cares about me.' Jenny just looked at the blonde in front of her before she nodded slowly. "Yes. I can see that."

"What do you mean with that?"

"I wanted to give you time because I know how hard it is, first of all you have to figure things out for yourself. But after that stunt you pulled I'm not sure if it makes that much sense anymore."

"What are you talking about?"

"You need to make a decision, Emma! If you want to be with me then we'll be seeing this through together and I won't let you down, I promise. I don't expect a public outing from you or anything, but this….this is an absolute no-go!" With that, Jenny turned on her heels and walked away. 'How many times will I let her break my heart? I am so fucking stupid!'