Chapter 9

"Isn't it weird that I make the same mistake twice?" Luzi laughed bitterly. "First I'm friends with Timo and he lies to me because of Sophie, then I'm his girlfriend and he lies to me again because of her."

Emma looked at her friend who sat on the opposite bed in the little hotel room they shared while they were staying in Hamburg with the STAG. What should she say to her? She wasn't really an expert when it came to happy relationships, was she? She hadn't even had the guts to face Jenny again to apologize for her behavior. She'd ruined it, she'd ruined it for good, and it was all her fault. But the prospect of admitting her feelings for Jenny to Timo had just been too much for her. She'd panicked. The images were still so vivid in her head as if it had all happened five minutes ago. Jenny's shocked face as she'd pushed her away. The hurt in her eyes when she'd yelled at her. 'How dare you?' Her own accusation still echoed in her mind. 'I wanted to give you time because I know how hard it is, first of all you have to figure things out for yourself. But after that stunt you pulled I'm not sure if it makes that much sense anymore.' Jenny's words still cut through her like a knife. What had she done? And most of all – why? 'Because you're a coward.' Emma answered her silent question. And now she'd lost her because she hadn't been able to handle her fear.

"Perhaps Timo is just afraid and that thing with Sophie doesn't mean anything at all." Emma ventured carefully, fully aware that she was transferring her own feelings on Luzi's situation.

"If you're in love with someone you shouldn't be afraid." Luzi replied with conviction.

"But sometimes it's not that easy!" Emma insisted, not really sure if she was defending Timo or herself right now.

"We're not talking about stage fright here! I'm talking about a real relationship."

"Me too!"

Luzi looked at Emma carefully. "I didn't know that you're in love."

"I'm not!" Emma denied hurriedly and avoided Luzi's inquiring gaze. "I…I'm just reading this book, you know, about two friends who hate each other at first but then they realize that they actually like each other….a lot…or even…more than that."

Luzi studied her again for a couple of seconds. "Hm. And?" she asked softly.

"Ah…it's actually so depressing that I don't really want to read any further."

"What happened?"

"One of them hurt the other a lot because he was too scared to admit his feelings." Emma continued hesitantly, gulping down the tears which threatened to well up in her eyes.

Luzi nodded slowly. "I think those two friends really need to talk to each other."

"But what if…what if he isn't so good with words?"

Luzi smiled. "Well, then she should…I mean he should write down what he wants to say." she said gently. "The most important thing is that they're honest with each other. Otherwise they'll hurt each other even more."

Emma nodded, grateful for her friend's advice and that she'd played along although it was more than obvious that she'd been talking about herself. Luzi was right. She had to explain her feelings to Jenny if she didn't want to lose her. ' If it's not already too late for that.'

ooooo

Jenny's body writhed to the pumping beats while the flickering light effects drew a maze of colors on her skin. She laughed at Ben who was dancing close to her, his hands on her hips. She was glad she'd called him and gone to Chulo's instead of licking her wounds at home. The whole evening she'd lain in the Bergmanns' living-room, wallowing in self-pity, the images of Emma kissing her and pushing her away shortly afterwards doing constant reruns in her head. 'I can't believe she did this to me. I don't cry over people. I don't cry, period.' Jenny flung her arms around Ben's neck and pulled him closer. 'And I can't believe I've been this stupid. How could I make myself so vulnerable?' Jenny threw her head back and lifted her arms up in the air, abandoning herself to the music, fully aware of the impact her rhythmic movements had on Ben and the other guys surrounding her. 'They wouldn't think twice if I told them I wanted them. They wouldn't push me away or be ashamed when anyone saw them kissing me.' She defiantly lifted her head and licked her lips before she broke into a suggestive smile. "Why don't we take this somewhere else?" Ben didn't hesitate and took hold of her hand, dragging her behind himself towards the exit. 'Fuck you, Emma.'

Only minutes later they stumbled through Ben's father's front door, giggling and slightly tipsy. Ben turned her towards himself, looking at her with a smile on his face, waiting for some kind of signal that she really wanted to go through with this. 'If I were into men I'd say he's cute.' she thought and pulled him roughly against herself. Ben needn't be asked twice and followed Jenny's lead, pushed her against the wall of the hallway and kissed her passionately. She felt his soft stubble graze her skin and couldn't help the mental image that had flickered into her mind. Emma's soft lips on her own, kissing her so gently yet so intently that it took her breath away. 'No.' she thought angrily and sneaked her hands beneath Ben's shirt, running her nails down his back before she pulled him with her down on the stairs, edging him on. Ben pushed her jacket down her shoulders and started kissing down her neck. As she closed her eyes she saw Emma's face in front of her, the way she'd looked at her after their endless kiss on the couch. Happy. Amazed. Gorgeous. 'Fuck you, Emma.' she repeated silently and grabbed Ben's hand to pull him up again and drag him towards her bedroom. Once they'd entered the dimly-lit room she took off his shirt and started to kiss him hungrily, desperately trying to forget how different Emma's kiss had been. She'd never wanted it to stop, although she'd almost been shocked by the wave of emotions the blonde hat elicited in her. 'Stop it.' She let herself fall down on the bed, pulled Ben on top of her before she rolled them over and pulled her own shirt over her head in one fluid motion. She reached behind her back and opened the clasp of her bra. 'Fuck you, Emma.' she repeated for the third time as the straps of her bra slid down her arms.

ooooo

She didn't know how long she'd just sat there, staring at the mint-green wall of the hotel room. Luzi had left some while ago to find them something to eat. Emma knew that Luzi was right. She had to tell Jenny about the feelings she held for her. And as her mind seemed to turn blank whenever she was near her, she'd decided to take Luzi's advice and write it all down. She couldn't get Jenny's hurt expression out of her mind. 'What if she can't forgive me?' Emma slowly shook her head. 'What if she's sick of my cowardice?' She couldn't lose her. Not now that she…. Emma hesitated before she finished that thought in her head. 'Not now that I'm in love with her.' Emma brushed a lonely tear away that had trickled down her face and started to write.

'Dear Jenny, I don't really know where to begin. I don't even know if you're able to forgive me. I'm sitting here in Hamburg and the only thing I can think about is you. Never before have I felt so much for anyone like I do for you. Our kiss was the best thing that ever happened to me. But despite all this I managed to hurt you. Because I was too much of a coward to admit my feelings for you in front of Timo. I'm so ashamed of my behavior. Nonetheless I can't promise that I will be brave enough when it happens the next time. I wish you could help me to gain a little bit more courage. Yours, Emma.'